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Original poster

How to handle this? Invitiing friend home for tea.

28 replies

LynetteScavo · 27/01/2010 10:33

DD is in reception, and has made good freinds with an absolutely lovely little girl in her class, and has asked if she can invite her home for tea.

All fine, except there is no way I would let DD go to this freinds house, should the invitation be reciprcated.

So how do I handle it? Obviously, this girls parents may secretly be eyeing me up and thinking there is no way they would accept a tea invitation from me.

I can't say DD is too shy to go to someone elses house, as she obviously isn't!

DD may well be in this girls class for the next 7 years!

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compo · 27/01/2010 10:37

Why won't you let her go for tea?

Merrylegs · 27/01/2010 10:38

OK. Am I missing something?

Like the part that goes between

'absolutely lovely little girl'

and

'there is no way I would let DD go to this friends (sic) house'

Mongolia · 27/01/2010 10:39

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

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notevenamousie · 27/01/2010 10:39

Can't say without knowing why.
But, I guess just invite the friend and then be honest about why?

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 27/01/2010 10:54

I don't like the way the mum speaks to her daughter. She is very harsh, calls her "stupid", "horrid" "naughty", etc. For doing things like buttoning her cardigan up on the wrong button holes. This is every morning, not just occasionally. It's just a general gut feeling that they don't have a happy home life, the mum is obviously struggling in several ways. I know this makes me sound really snobby.
I would feel differently if it were my 11 yo DS, but feel really protective towards my 4 yo DD.

OP posts:

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 27/01/2010 11:17

So now you now why, what do I do?

OP posts:

Mongolia · 27/01/2010 12:43

I would say you don't have anything to worry about, you won't get an invite back. From what I have seen, parents who act like that are not particulary goof at organising play dates.

Yet, I think that the fact that your DD gets a bit of exposure to less favourable environments and behaviours, is not exactly a bad thing.

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 27/01/2010 12:50

Magnolia, I agree with you about exposure to less favourable environments; when they are older...DD is just so little and vulnerable.

You are probably right about the invitation back...it always seems to be me doing the inviting any way!

OP posts:

stirringbeast · 27/01/2010 12:52

I would say you can only "protect" your dd for so long anyway, so if you don't let go a bit more now, you'll have to do it sooner or later.

One of my friends would never let her ds go anywhere alone, she always stayed at parties etc. He would happily have gone alone but she didn't want him to. That was fine until he was about 5 when people don't expect the parents at parties and playdates and people started asking her why she wouldn't leave him.

witchwithallthetrimmings · 27/01/2010 12:53

I'd deflect it if you get an invite back. Something on the lines of. Tell you what now the weather is getting warmer lets take the girls to the park and have a picnic. That way you won't seem unfriendly but you will protect your daughter from being in a nasty enviroment. you may also find that the mother is actually not as bad as all that when you get to know her

MrsLau · 27/01/2010 13:09

I always say, if in doubt, do nowt. Obviously you have not reached the point where you are ready to hand your child over for another Mum to look after, what i will say though is that everyone parents differently and i think if this little girl is "lovely" well then her Mum has done a good job so far regardless of what you think. Why not arrange a play date for say an hour to start off with rather than tea, will break you and her in more gently. x

MollieO · 27/01/2010 13:12

If there is a reciprocal invite couldn't you go with her?

mrsruffallo · 27/01/2010 13:13

I would go with her the first few times and have a general chat about it later.
In my experience, I find children these age are quite resilient, and hearing adults talk like that helps them to appreciate their own parents more!

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 27/01/2010 14:18

Me go too?

That would just be too painful for me! Seriously, me and this mum and I have zero in common....I've tried striking up conversation with her at pick up time.

Yes kids are resiliant..my DD more than most, but this little girl is oftern in tears because her mum is so horrid to her.

DD is starting to go off this girl a little (they were inseperable the first term), as she's contantly telling DD she is her best friend, and always wants to play with her/sit next to her, which DD is finding a bit stifling I think. This girl has obviously said something to her mum, as the mum was pointedly saying to her this morning "It's no wonder you've got no friends, and no one likes you, it's becasue you are so horrid and useless"

I thought this might be a good time to have her home for tea, to let her know DD does like her.

I would have no probelm with DD going home with anybody else in the class, it's just this family.

OP posts:

MollieO · 27/01/2010 14:21

I reckon you do have to be prepared to go if dd is invited. How do you think this poor girl will feel if your dd is invited and you refuse. You can imagine what her mother will say.

molk · 27/01/2010 14:28

i have ended up in tricky situations too many times now because i feel sorry for a child, or another mum who seems to be struggling, or befriended mums who seem a bit odd but i feel sad they have no friend. my advice to you is don't have this child round for tea, don't encourage your child to be friends with this poor girl. stick with nice normal people. just think of your own children and whats best for them.

icancancan · 27/01/2010 14:44

am at molk suggestion of 'stick with nice normal people'! what an odd thing to say - in order to develop rounded children, they need to be exposed to all sorts of people and situations. as an adult/parent it is better to manage the risk in that situation than never expose your child to it - they are going to meet all sorts of people in life! and you never know, they may actually (shock, horror molk) turn out to be people you like ....

seeker · 27/01/2010 14:47

"just think of your own children and whats best for them." What a delightful attitude to instil into the next generation!

molk · 27/01/2010 16:19

let me explain myself. i befriended a lady who had a lovely little girl the same age as my ds. she sounded like the mother of the above little girl ie always putting her daughter down, saying she was thick, etc. i had this little girl round for tea lots of times - she is a lovely girl. gradually her mum left her with me more and more, and the mother starte to get funny if i had other friends over and didn't invite her, but my ds was never invited to her house. in the end, i was walking to a friends house with my ds and nearly newborn dd, where we had been invited to play, when she screeched up in her car and started shouting at me that i had left her daughter out. it wasnt even my house we were goingto. she called at my house a couple of times after, shouting at me in front of my children. i am sorry with those disagree, but i would rather protect my children from things like that.

molk · 27/01/2010 16:30

i do agree though. sorry i did come across as very narrow minded. the above situation just upset me a lot. i do agree with being friends with a wide range of peaple, but i would just be more cautious now.

MilaMae · 27/01/2010 17:08

I think this is a very valid concern to be honest.

My dc are only 6 and 5 and it is my responsibility to keep them safe. Handing them over to a complete stranger whose house I've never seen or who I don't know is a great concern.

I'd concerned about teenage siblings watching dvds,computer games not appropriate to my dc's age,bad supervision, unsafe dogs in the house,other adult safety,parenting styles,swearing etc.

My dd 4 went round to a friend's house ( whose mother I know very well and would trust implicitly) and the mother rang to ask if I'd be happy if they went to the park alone behind the house which she could see from a window. I was of course not happy(her dd is slightly older) but she'd rang to check so everything was fine as she respected my choice.

Now all mothers may not be the same,what if my dc were left to play on a road alone or saw scary things on TV. I think it's a huge trust thing handing your kids over to a friend let alone a stranger so I have v similar concerns and don't know what to do as playdates are so valuable.

You just can't say can I come and check your house out first or can you? What if you still thought no way,how do you explain that?

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 27/01/2010 18:32

Yes, children do need to be exposed to all sorts of people and situations, to become rounded adults, which is one reason my children go to state schools (The other is I can't afford to go private ) But within reason....I don't want my children exposed to violence or drug taking or erratic behaviour. Especially when I'm not with them.

I didn't let DS1 go and play at a friends house,for example, as her dad had sugested he and DS could play Play Station games together, and the ones he had mentioned weren't age apropriate.

I quite apreciate my DC's will be given sweets, fizzy drinks, etc, and other parents will smoke in their houses when my DC are there. But some things, I just feel I need to be super carefull about, like car safety, and abusive language. Didn't any of you ever go to a friends house when you were a child, and whitness parents speaking horribly to thier cildren? I still remember those instances, and while it did make me apreciate my Mum, they weren't happy moments in my life. Why should I put my daughter in a situation where she feels insecure?

We all have to make judgements about other parents when deciding whether to let our DC's go on play dates, and yes, I would more readily agree to DD going to tea at the home of a child whos parents are both teachers, and seem jolly, than a heavily tatooed mum with a new boyfriend,who drives like a lunatic, both of whom are unemplyed, and are apparently miserable.

I don't think saying stick with nice normal people is a strange thing to say. 99% of people are nice and normal, IMO.

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CantSupinate · 27/01/2010 18:35

In my experience only about 1 in 10 playdate invites ever get reciprocated, so you are almost certainly worrying over nothing.

If it were me with your concerns, I would invite the other child and then hedge about with stupid excuses and "I'll let you later this week" (which I had no intention of following thru with) comments if an invite were to come back.

(Actually I would faint in shock if an invite came back, but then I'd recover & do the stalling techniques as describe).

junglist1 · 27/01/2010 19:35

Lynette consider yourself flamed for the tattoo comment but too short of time to do it properly so [flame emoticon]

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 27/01/2010 21:05

Is nobody going to flame be for the unemployed comment?

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