Coping with 2 children

[Hendymum]

Hi there

I have a 19mth old DD and a 6 week old DS which I'm finding hard to cope with. DS is particularly unsettled in the PM's (maybe colic) and it's so hard to deal with him as well as a demanding toddler!! There doesn't seem to be much advice in books about how best to deal with 2 children....it's really hard feeding DS when DD wants attention, also trying to get DS settled for sleeps with DD around is a nightmare!!
Any tips from Mums who have more than 1 child would be much appreciated....especially when did you try and get youngest into a routine and how did you do it??!!

Thanks!

You have my total and utter sympathy. It's bloody hard, isn't it?

I have a very similar age gap, DD was 18 1/2 months when DS was born. TBH for me the first 3 or so months were a case of just trying to survive and get through the day any way I could. It felt like it would never end.

It does get a lot better very quickly, although it felt like it took forever at the time. DS is now almost 8 months and it is a world of difference. They are starting to play together and I find DS needs a lot less attention than DD did as a baby, because he is SO interested in watching her play.

I tried to respond to DD first when they were both crying, just because I knew she understood what was happening and didn't want jealousy issues to develop. I also made a lot more use of the television than I was really happy with, but as I said it really was a case of surviving any old how.

Firstly, congratulations! My DS1 is 23 months and DS2 is coming up to 3 months so I feel your pain. For one, DROP your expectations and standards. Put Cbeebies on, or whatever keeps your DD entertained. Try and stay calm (easier said than done especially when DS1 was playing peek and boo with the curtains and I was trying to put DS2 to sleep in the same room!). It's a matter of survival at this stage...

Is there a 'safe' room you can shut your DD in or a cot to put your DD in while you are trying to get DS to sleep? We have a stairgate for our living room and it's a small room and DS1 has been playing in it since birth so we know it's safe (low furniture, nothing breakable, lots of toys and the TV!). I put DS1 in there while I put DS2 to sleep for his nap. He might protest a bit at first but he usually ends up watching the telly or playing with one of his toys. I always telling him that mummy will come back and play with him once his brother has gone to sleep.

How about a sling? Do you have one? Just carry your DS around if he's awake while you are dealing with DD.

FYI, I hit a wall when DS2 was 6 weeks old, I felt it was so difficult and I couldn't get up the next morning to do it all over again. But I did... And guess what? Things got better after that. DS2 started going down to sleep at about 10/11 weeks at around 7/8pm so we have now developed a bit of a routine and life gets a lot easier then. Good luck, you can do it. When it was most difficult, I just kept telling mummies all around the world do it all the time and I can too!

Its very hard, my ds1 was a week shy of 19months when i had ds2 & he suffered BADLY from jealosy he wud smack his tiny little bro if he got close enuf & wud hit me too, everything was so hard for the 1st few months id jus hav ds2 asleep ds1 wud start shoutn his name to wake him so what i started to do which really helped me was lying down n bed wit my boys on either side of me, ds2 bf'ing on his side & ds1 nd me readin a little book on his side, ds2 wud nod off after his milky cuddle & i cud either sneak away wit ds1 or read a little longer or if it was ds1's nap time all 3 of us wud hav a little sleep together & that break & sleep made such a diff to me! i was able to b happy again & enjoy my boys i started this around the 4wk mark cause ds2 could latch on well & kept doin it til ds2 was bout 18mnths! but id jus read a book or internet on my phone when i wasnt so exhausted & i really enjoyed dat relaxin time but then ds1 didnt want to nap anymore so when ds2 wud fall asleep we'd go colour or sumit also when ds2 was very lil id pop ds1 n his high chair wit colourin & a thomas tank engine dvd to pop ds2 for his early or eve nap if dh wasnt hme from wrk yet. my ds1 loves his bath so everyother morn id pop lil baby n buggy or swing then wit him at the bathroom door id put ds1 n da bath splashin away i cud bf ds2 (sitting on the top of the toilet lovely i know but needs must!) then pop him back n buggy to take out ds1 it def helped me!

Sorry you are finding it tough - I'm sure everyone with a gap like yours does. My gap was a bit bigger, but a couple of things come to mind from experience and tips I remember:
Get sorted with cushions etc and everything within reach so that while feeding the baby you can:

• read to dd
• sing with dd
• reach the TV remote
• have your water in a sports bottle, not a knock-over-able glass!

Have a box of toys/treats which you only bring out when the baby is feeding or needs your attention. even if you have to spend a little money on some little things - novelty is great for occupying them for a crucial few minutes.

Get out of the house! It may seem like it's terribly hard to cope at home but if you go out you can engage dd and use up some of her endless energy so she'll be easier to deal with at home. Also ds will sleep/settle in the pram/sling so you can give dd quality time without using up that precious time when they're asleep at home.

Do you have any friends with toddlers? Going to their houses will be novelty for dd without the cold.
Do you have any toddler groups etc? Ditto.

I think most 2nd children have much less "routine" and more watching siblings and grabbing sleep when they feel like it!

Finally, go to bed early and ignore the house... make sure you have some energy too!
Good luck!

Oh Hendy, same age gap here, and I SO remember that bit. Echoing advice already given, just get through it. DD is now 3 and DS 15 months and I LOVE that they are so close in age now. But I wouldn't do it again! CBeebies, DVDs, ANYTHING to get through. Thinking of you.

One more thing that has kept DS1 very entertained. You can get bath crayons from ELC for £4 (for a set of 10). I pop DS1 in the bath (dry!) and he can then crayon like mad. Then I give him a semi-wet sponge and tell him to clean up the mess and that keeps him entertained for a bit longer... And very safe if you keep the door open so you can listen out for running water should the toddler turn on the tap. You can just wash it all off later.

O also making plenty of meals in double quantities eat one today diff meal tomorrow then same as today the following day & using plenty of frozen veg, mash & gravy dinners when really stuck for time... Preparing food when they'd home to bed and doing a load of washing at night i could still relax watchin tv or listening to music but i wud hav a pot of potatoes/carrots etc and a peeler n my hand while watchin desperate housewives and def, tv is your friend when they are little... Hth

Get a sling - baby lives in there and is fab for colic. You then have your hands free and able to run around and do things with your oldest.

This is the kind of thing you need.

'Tis marvellous.

I recommend getting the kids to nap at the same time so that you can have a nap or break too! Takes a bit of practice to work out how to maipulate baby effectively but can be done.

I also recommend going out lots. I got some of my best 1:1 time with lo at toddler groups where the older one was occupied playing/doing craft and I could feed and coo over new baby. Most people are happy to help out by helping/discipling older one if you have a small baby. Older one is then worn out and naps well too.

I also used tv a lot more then I had previously.

It does get a lot easier very quicky. Little one will like to watch older one potter and play. Very soon they will be playing together. Mine are 3 and 19 months now and am sort of wishing I had started trying for number 3 a bit sooner as the close age gap is so nice now and am worried DC3 will be left out when s/he comes along!

Oh and I started to get older one out of bed when I got up with baby so I could put him to bed earlier that night, if I was up, he migth as well be up as well!

Undescribably tough - and being told it gets better (it does!) is absolutely no consolation. Sling was a must for me. Definitely drop the standards. If I were to do it again, I would have a lot more flexibility in DC1's evening routines.

On the contrary, I found being out incredibly hard work, and the only days that were manageable were the ones when we stayed home all day.

As to getting DC2 into a routine, they find their own routine when they're ready. I actually got to the stage of keeping notes as to when DC2 fed/slept/was happy/cried for a couple of days, and found there was a pattern in the chaos. I was then able to organise my day a bit more. But I remember it taking me about a week to organise a piece of paper and a pencil to make the notes! but it was worth it in the end.

I also found on the contrary I preferred them alternating their naps so I'd only have one kid to look after at a time!

Thank you all for your ideas and support!!

I know it will get easier but when you're stuck in the middle of chaos it seems like a mountain to climb!!! Doesn't help that I'm recovering from an emergency c-section so still don't feel 100%!!

We haven't got it all sorted... I had such a tough day today... DS2 who is suffering from a touch of reflux seemed to be getting better but he threw up 3 times today and I want to cry. Instead, I shouted at DS1 and DS2 and then ended up sobbing cos I felt so bad for my two babies to have such a bad mummy. But they are both asleep now and tomorrow is another day...

Had a rubbish night hardly any sleep...DS just would not settle no matter what we did. As soon as he was drifting off to sleep and we moved him to his cot he woke up crying!!! Any one got any ideas on how to settle in moses basket/cot??!!

O angel ur not a bad mum, we all hav days like that hope ye hav a better day 2day, reflux is very hard to get through

Hendymum Have you tried swaddling? That helped my DS2 sleep in the first 8 weeks of his life. If you want any swaddling blankets, I can send you a fleece Kiddopotomus one to try out? I'm happy to help you out!

Poohbearsmom Thank you so much for your support. It's so difficult to see your baby throw up everything... Everyone wants their babies to sleep through the night, I have the opposite problem. DS2 is refusing any night feeds, preferring to sleep but I am so STRESSED out by him dropping a bottle as he is taking so little already (and throwing some of it back up!).

Ax

Mum of toodler and 6 week old here - doesn't have time to read any other replys so sorry if repeating.

I have a 2.8 yr old DS and a 6 week old DD with reflux and colic. She screams day and night and the feeding is horrendous due to reflux making it painful for her so she is on off on off screaming, rigid. It's torture. My son had reflux too but wasnt this bad until 3-4 months.

My DS who was a lovely calm boy with great personality has morphed into the annoying, hyper, badly behaved child from hell (understandably). Im torn as to which is stressing me more, loosing my lovely DS to this horror or the constant screaming and feeding nighmare - ooh how to pick!

I feel exactly the same as you, harrassed and stressed.

My only tips are

1. get out (even if one or more is still iun PJ's)

2. White noise - hairdryer or hoover until you can purchase a white noise CD, will help to settle him in his cot/basket...along with

3. I cant recommend more putting him on his tummy to sleep during the day when you can keep an eye on him (although ive resorted to all night too). This soothes a colicy baby no end and they sleep deeper due to not having startle reflex in that position (you can thank me later )! Make sure you have hairdryer on when you put him in this position and do it when he has eventually calmed down/fell asleep on you, this will all help to making the new position less of a shock to him!

4. Get help from others. I never left my DS with my in-laws as they have 'different' ideas from me. They are a bit, em, thick so I didnt trust them to not kill him accidently and they would feed him crap all day. - Guess what, those very in-laws are having him for lunch today! At the moment Hanibal Lector would be fine to babysit!

Hope some of that is helpful and if you have stuff you could tell me Id be happy to hear too!

Toodler - ha!

You guys are fab....it's really nice to know I'm not the only one going through a tough time!

Angel1976 - thanks re: swaddling....I had the same thought as he is definitely waking himself up with startle reflex......we did try swaddling him when we were still in hospital but he managed to get his arms out, little monkey!! We have a stretchy swaddling blanket...are Kiddopotomus ones better?

Hendymum I find the Kiddopotomus ones easier to use due to the velcro. They seem to stay put that way! Email me at eangie at hotmail dot com with your addy and I will send you mine tomorrow if you like. You need to swaddle tight.

I agree with whensmydayoff about sleeping on the front... We had DS2 sleeping on his front during the day for his naps in the living room for the first 8 weeks and swaddled at night. He has very good head control at 8 weeks and we decided to put him on his front to sleep too. He now sleeps through so much so that I cannot even wake him to feed! But we assess the risks before we made the decision and this is something you can only make for yourself.

I am still finding it hard: DC1 is 26 months and DC2 4 months, not a single waking minute goes by when I'm not frantically busy and harrassed! Its not a great time of year is it? The weathers been awful and its hard to get out in it, especially with a tiny one as well as your toddler. FWIW my tips for the early weeks would be:

• lots of attention for DC1 to avoid jealousy issues (can you cuddle the baby, put them in a sling while playing with your toddler?)
• give DC1 a drink and snack and put CBeebies on when you're about to do a BF for DC2

• make that CBeebies for DC1 whenever you need to..
• I have a stairgate on the door of the lounge/diner so I can see DC1 at all times when BF DC2

- teaching DC2 to use a dummy to sleep with. S/he doesn't have to have it all the time if you don't want to, but it can be a good sleep cue if you give it as putting them down to sleep each time. (Actually my DC2 gets a dummy whenever I can't deal with the crying!)

• my DC2 won't sleep in her cot in the daytime. I've given up trying to force it, and she now sleeps in the pushchair in the hall each time. I can rock her a bit, and still listen out for DC1 in the living room without having to leave him downstairs on his own too long.

DC1 tantrums are hideous at the mo, especially over nappy changing and getting coat etc on to go out of the door, even if we're going somewhere he really wants to go, and knows thats where we're going! (If anyone has any tips on that I'd be really grateful..)

DC2 doesn't have any routine, apart from a bedtime one, which we started a month ago. Apart from bedtime, her day is totally random, I don't really know why as DC1 was in a really good routine at the same age. Sorry I have no answer to that one!

I also still find it hard at times. I have 11months between by boys now 2.4 and 1.5.

I personally found mother & toddler groups a lifesaver in the very early days as everyone wanted to coo over the baby and i managed to get an hour to play with DS1.

when they were a bit older (DS2 about 6months) we went to soft play on a quiet day. DS2 would sit and play with balls and DS1 got a chance to run off energy.

I also found that long walks to the park good as DS2 slept in the pram and DS1 got to tire himself out (I still do this and have invested in salopettes for the winter for DS1)

My main tip is to get the bedtime routine down to a fine art. Mine are upstairs in the bath by 6pm, play for a bit but are in bed by 6.45pm with their story. Then i have the evenings to do washing/ironing/tidying.

We have a larger gap with a 3yo and 6 month old, but honestly, the first few months were miserable trying to get into some type of schedule. It's starting to get much easier now, although some days can be a bit of a relapse. I think it's just down to being comfortable enough to let some things that are less important go a bit and by making sure you get a bit of time (even if it's just 10-15 minutes) for yourself.

hey hendy i have exactly the same ages as you ds1 19 months ds2 6 weeks

i have to agree about others said get out the house with them, my ds1 behaves better @ home if i take him to a few groups during the week to use up his energy, or if missed the times of the groups (sometimes not able to get out the house on time..) then just to the park
or even if not that take them both out for a long walk in the buggy, ur baby should definitely sleep while on the move at least?

i've put my ds2 into a bedtime routine now and i feel much more relaxed cos i have evenings 2 relax and get other things done that need doing, so as soon as ds1 is put in bed ill go back and start on ds2 (i keep ds2 in bouncing chair while ds1 bedtime, he is okay sometimes sleeps then or else ill just be quick and he is alright sat there for a bit, but if worried about ds2 crying or needing me back quickly then ill drop the bath for ds1) for ds2 he has 2 have a bath every day cos he is still in the stage of establishing a bedtime routine so he'll need it to give the signal that its bedtime.
just try to decide what u want in ur routine, eg bath, feed, bed or anything else like if u want to do a song, baby massage or nething else, and just start doing it every day @ the time u want him to go to bed and you never know it might just work, or if not keep doing it and eventually he would get the message?