son is going to live with his dad

[nonstopmom]

Hiya

did add this to a thread that had already been started but have been advised to start a new one so I could get more advice.

My son has said that he wants to live with his dad as he doesn't moan at him (ie about homework, getting up for school etc). Also, his dad has filled his head full of rubbish saying that my partner and I were having an affair before my son was even born! ( I didn't even know him until he was 3)
I haven't had any contact from my son for nearly a week and the last thing his dad said is that he wants him living with him permanently, but he doesn't work, smokes cannabis and would rather look at the 4 walls then do something constructive with his life. He says he can't afford to have him live there so wants child benefit, and claim for him etc. He also suffers with depression - I just think his home is not a good enviroment for my son and his dad is not a good role model.
My partner says that I should let him go and live with his dad permanently otherwise my son will keep walking all over me but it's breaking my heart.
Really don't know what to do - I do everything I can for my son, but he told me that because I 'moan' at him he respects his dad and not me.

My son is 12, nearly 13. It's been a week now and haven't seen him. What makes it hard as well is that his dad lives within walking distance from our house, so what is happening is that when I am trying to make bounderies for my son and he doesn't like it, he says he's going to live there (this being the 2nd time now), then his dad takes over and says that he wants him living there permanently because I can't control him and that if he lives there, he will.
I can't communicate with my ex anymore as we just end up arguing, when i try and talk he just brings up that I have messed up his life. We broke up over 11 years ago and blames everyone else for his problems, he's very paranoid and has always suffered with depression since I've known him, but of course the cannabis would make it worse - so you can imagine what he's saying to my son.
When it happened the first time,my son started popping in on his way to school if I wasn't at work. Then he said that he'd have to start staying at home sometimes as his dad didn't have any food, then he just ended up back at home. This time his dad is saying he wants to do it properly and get his child benefit etc.
My partner and I also have a 10 month old baby girl. I've told him how I feel, and he thinks that if I get my son to come home and it's not his own choice, that he is just gonna keep walking all over me and he doesn't want any arguing because of the baby. Which is true but what else can I do? My son has got the attitude that he can do what he wants, if I said that he's not to go down his dads after school and I want him to come home, he will just say that he was. I've tried taking things away from him, but then he can go to his dads and do what he likes.
I'm trying to be happy all the time for the sake of my baby, but just want my other baby to be at home too, I feel lost without him.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

I couldn't let this go unanswered any longer, but I don't have any advice as, luckily for me, I have not been in this awful position (yet)

I do have a son of the same age as you though, and he is very close to his dad (who only lives up the road)So I sympathise.

This age seems to be quite difficult. My DS1 is not a little boy anymore, and not quite a stroppy teenager, and he is definitley testing my boundaries. Your XP is holding quite an attractive incentive to your son by essentially letting him do what he likes.

A couple of things to think about - until someone better equipped to help comes along -Have you tried texting him? Have you been a bit shouty with frustration? What I mean is that if I hadn't spoken to my DS for a week, I would be besides myself. You must be feeling awful, and I just wonder if this is making the communication between you and your DS break down even further. I would be sending him a text (if he wouldn't answer my calls) saying something like. "DS, I love you very much and would really like to talk to you. I promise no shouting, just a chat. Love Mum" or whatever.

Is there tension between your partner and your son, because it comes across that way.

Good news - I sent my son a text today and he popped in after school and had some tea, but said he was going to his dads after and had just come to get some things.

I didn't put any pressure on him and asked any questions, just had a nice time. Seemed like he'd missed us, so he'll probably keep popping in, but just don't want this situation to keep happening. I feel like I have no control over him or what he does anymore and he's only 12! I know this has happened because of his dad. Everything I've ever tried to do positive for my son, his dad has always turned it into a negative eg.gymnastic classes across the otherside of town once a week - I dragged him in and out of clubs all his life!

There is only tension between my partner and son when my son is being disrespectful to me. He feels like he cannot ask my son to do anything as he just doesn't do it anyway, so he just lets me deal with things.

Oh Good, I'm sure you feel better for having seen him. Did he look well?

It's interesting that you say that your partner has completely stepped away from any parenting of your DS. This seems like a major issue to me. Unfortunately though I can't help with step-parenting issues because I have remained resolutely single!

The negativity between your X and you is also likely to be affecting your son, I know that if I ever said anything negative about my son's dad, he would immediately clam up. So this is maybe something for you to think about?

I hope someone else will come along and help you soon.

hiya - thanks for replying

He seemed ok - although I knew he hadn't brushed his teeth and his uniform hadn't been washed over the weekend, but didn't say anything as I knew it wouldn't help. Just said there was a clean shirt hanging in his wardrobe for him if he wanted to put it on.

It is a major issue about my partner stepping away from any parenting, but when he tries he justs gets a mouthful or a tantrum starting and if he won't do if for me at the moment, he certainly won't do if for him. My partner and my X actually can communicate with each other. My partner has explained to my X about the situation for him and my son and my X has said that he has told him to behave for him but he still doesn't. My X also says that my son doesn't misbehave and be cheeky to him, so because he does for me, I must be doing something wrong.
I always bite my tongue when my son will say things that his dad has said, but have got to admit I have said a few things. I know I shouldn't but it's hard when he's having a go at me about wanting money for something, but thinks because I work and his dad doesn't I should give it him. His dad doesn't provide anything and I know in the past he has worked the odd casual day here and there and will tell my son not to say anything, but I find out that he has. I never ask him for any money, but had started to say to my son about him asking him for a bit of pocket money, but he'll just say my dad hasn't got a job and can't get one..it's so frustrating, so don't bother now.
I know what you're saying though about not saying anything at all..I do try my best
Just hard when you try your best and everything gets twisted round to make it look like I'm being a horrible mom.

My brother lived with my mother after they divorced
My biggest piece of advice would be that you need to write to your son and let him know that you really really miss him and love him
Let him know that he always has a place with you
Tell him you respect his wishes and that is the ONLY reason you have let him go but that you are lost without him
Tell him although he doesn't know it now that the boundaries you set are to help guide him into adulthood and to grow up safe and sound
Keep repeating this message to his face in letter in little txts

My father did a really terrible job on my brother persuading him that he wasn't really wanted with my mum...over time it stuck as he was just a young lad like your son
Please don't allow a chance for this to happen...include him in everything, keep asking him home, keep telling him you love him
HTH

How long have you and your current partner been together?

I know what you mean about hard it is to keep quiet about your X, I have had the same thing in the past, and a couple of times I've had to go to the loo and have a bit of a "moment" just so that I don't say anything.

I wonder what your X's motivation is in all this. You say that your partner and ex are managing to communicate effectively. Is there any way this could help the situation?

I'm sure you're NOT a horrible mother, rather one who is doing her best in a difficult situation.

Thanks both for the replies - I sent my son a nice txt yesterday with what you suggested Ronaldinhio, he didn't txt back after but did send me a text when Aston Villa won last night - I didn't see him yesterday, but I knew because the football was on his dad probably would of invited his nephew round to watch it, so it would of been a bit of a lads night which he would enjoy. So was nice when he text me.

I have been with my current partner for 10 years so he has been in my son's life since he was a baby, so he's very used to him being around. They have always had their ups and downs and my son see's my partner more as a mate rather than a step father as they get on like mates do - best buddies, then they fall out. So that's why it's hard because I don't think my son really takes him serious when he asks him to tidy his room etc.

Are there any mediation counsellors near you that you could ask all adults, parents and partners, to attend to get some ground rules set for your ds?

have thought about this and I'm very sure my X partner wouldn't attend anyway, it was hard enough trying to get him to go to a parents evening with me as he says he can't cope with them sort of things.

My son had no school today and he came after school yesterday and wanted to stay last night which was great. I said that he'd better let his dad know and I could hear him on the phone to his dad telling him that I hadn't made him stay and that he just wanted to stay.
I think his dad will try and claim money for my son and say he is living there now, when I really do think that my son wants to be at home but thinks he's got to keep his dad happy.

feel really distraught today - my son stayed at home at the weekend and we had a really nice time, then he said he was staying at his dads sunday night. My partner only told me on sunday that my X had been in touch and that he wanted to know what was happening and that he would go and see him Monday (yesterday)for a chat.(ie. would I agree to saying that my son is living at his so he can claim benefits for him)-I told my partner that there is no chance I will agree as I don't want it as a permanent thing. My partner has said that it will just make my son turn against me again, so I suggested that if we say he can see his dad when he wants but we still pay for everything it shouldn't be a problem. My partner and X had a chat yesterday and my X said that he needs to know so that he knows whether he can apply for a part-time or full time job, even though he hasn't had a proper job for about 8 years -probably longer. I know he's just using this situation now as another excuse not to work. My X has also said that he wants my son at his in the week and to come home at weekends. My son went to his dads happily on Sunday night saying he was gonna come round after school yesterday but he didn't - I now think his dad is making him not come here or has made him think I'm being the horrible one again for not agreeing to what he wants.
My x also said that he is going to take it further.
I've sent my son a nice text today, but he hasn't replied, I just feel like I'm losing him. His dad was also having the internet put into his flat yesterday, my son will now be allowed to play on his ps3 online day and night. We have banned it from our house for a while because he didn't stick to the agreement of when he could play it and it's what caused the argument in the first place. So that will be another way of enticing him into living there..no boundaries set, lets him play on the console when he wants for hours on end, but never takes him outside and kicks a football with him, or even a walk in the park (which is right by his house) or has never even taken him to the cinema (because he never has any money) but has money to buy weed! Sorry to rant and I don't say these things to my son, but why am I the one who has put all the effort in and is looking so bad! Just feel sick with worry of what my son is going to turn into.

does anybody have any further advice - was gonna seek legal advice, but think i'll look more like the bad one - just don't know what to do

Please remember YOU ARE THE BOSS!

Your son can have a say in his upbringing but you are his parent and the buck stops with you.

Go and get your son and bring him home.

wish it was as easy as that! I'd have to get through his dad first and there would be no chance of that! I'm at work today so I am going to make an appointment to see CAB for tomorrow and see what I have to do to get him home. I know I've got to do something and I know my son is gonna hate me, but his dad is not a good role model and now condones smoking weed in his flat, how long is it gonna be before my son is doing it!!

Sorry to hear this situation has escalated again.

I'm a bit surprised you're not getting more responses actually, wonder if this would be better in "lone parents" or maybe even "chat"?

Nonstopmom - this is awful for you, my heart goes out to you, I could almost have written your posts. I went through almost identical heartbreak with my ds who was 13 at the time (now 14). I have been with dp for 12 years, since ds was a baby also. Exh moved in (with a woman) down the street about 18 months ago. This caused an awful lot of unrest, boundaries being ignored, rules ignored and it was a complete nightmare. To cut a long story short, last summer ds decided he wanted to go and live with exh. I was absolutely gutted, and you will know the feelings of nausea and anxiety. It almost killed me to do it, but I took advice from several friends and helped ds to pack a bag and told him he was welcome home any time and that I loved him. I was totally devastated.

After a few days of course exh began to realise the enormity of this and within a week ds started to come up to ask for stuff and maybe he would stay for dinner and eventually within just over a week he was officially back home, having I guess, learned which side his bread was buttered etc.

Like yours, my dp pulled back from the parenting role he had undertaken previously, I guess because he felt undermined by exh. He was deeply hurt and still is, ds and he have never quite returned to the same relationship as before but I guess that's between them and I try not to interfere with it. I am hoping to move in with dp soon but I suppose I'm dragging my heels at bit to see how this pans out.

There are a lot of similarities here. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone, and maybe, just maybe if you play along your ds will want to come home permanently.

As for handing over residency to your exh so he can claim the benefits to support your ds, hoping I don't sound vidictive but I wouldn't have done that in a millions years, exh would have had to drag me through court to officially get ds 'off me.'

What I'm trying to say is perhaps your ds, given the time and space, will realise himself that the best place for him is with you and your family.

I really do hope this works out for you all.

Nonstopmum - also exh's behaviour is similar. He took ds on a trip to Belguim one day, without me even knowing, and he should have been at school. When I found out, I was up front with the school and told them exactly what had happend and exh knew this and realised he was on very shakey ground.

I did make a muttering about calling social services so they could assist with resolving the issues.

Think that might have helped exh see the light too!

Thanks Monty27 for this - it does help to know that people have been through this and come out the other end.
I'm just so worried for my ds as his dad has such an influence on him. I'm definitely not gonna hand residency over to him and my x apparently is gonna take it further, so will have to see what happens. Will get on the phone tonight and start sorting legal advice etc out and I'm keeping a diary of everything that is going on.

I've also posted the link for this on another topic discussion so thanks WhoIsAsking for your help too X

No worries nonstop, more than glad to give you a word of comfort or help. Thank goodness your dp is so supportive too.

When I muttered to exh about social services I said it, not in a threatening way, but more out of sharing with him my concern for ds's behaviour, but as soon as I said it, exh knew that if ss took one look at what he had to offer they would never agree to ds living there.

I hope you and your family come out the other side too.

nonstop I'm sorry my reply earlier sounds flippent, I didn't mean it to.

What I should explain is that I have a 13 (next week) dp, a feckless abusive violent ex, a lovely dp and a 7wk old baby.

I have been through the courts several times and my ds has had to speak with cafcass.

My ex gets legal aid, I do not so he prefers this option rather than talking.

I have at least two friends I can think of off hand who's year 8 children have decided to live with their single fathers due to less boundries and unlimited games/internet access. I think it's quite a common predicament to find yourself in - but that's not to belittle your situation in any way.

I think legal advise is a good idea. Could you also ask the school to keep an eye on how he is there to see if there is a change?

I'm hoping your ds will get bored and come home soon. I do feel for you.

thanks ninjacat - trying to get things sorted today while I'm off work. I know I have to be stronger through this rather than keep getting upset. Gonna try and get hold of his form tutor today x

just to say i've been following this. not posted as i have no advice....have no idea what to say!! its tough but wishing you luck

This won't be popular but if it was my situation and my son (who is nearly 11) was involved the folowing would be what i'd do:

Expect the total support of current partner, remind him how he'd feel if it was his child. get the son back home, set out the house rules, rewards and consequences and so on.

With drugs involved with a child at a vulnerable age i think you have good grounds for seeking sole custody.

You'll be unpopular for a while but why do we all think parenting is about being popular these days.

Children need boundaries and this child is testing them. finding out if he can do whatever he likes, so far he's found out he can. No one ever says no to him so now he's in freefall.

I'm divorced with 4 children, always unpopular and often tried to make everyone happy in the early days. Now I'm back in charge its easier and everyone has more respect for me as I do for myself.

eat in my house, sleep in my house, live by my rules. The ex husbands environment is not a healthy one for your son and shouldn't be allowed as an escape from the guiding, nurturing, structured home you have. We all have to live as adults in the world with others and can't escape its realities whenever we feel like it. You must resume teaching you son these lessons.

You have nothing to feel guilty about but must take charge, no one is better qualified or better placed to give your son what he needs

OMG just read the bit about ex condoning smoking weed - do you mean he smokes it infront of your son? alows your son to smoke?? either, whatever,

GO ROUND THERE WITH CURRENT PARTNER, PHYSICALLY LIFT UP SON, PUT IN CAR TAKE HOME AND KEEP.

I'd not hesitate involving the police if anyone smoked drugs infront of my 12 yr old daughter, especially if it was her father.

Cal2010 - 'put in car take home and keep' it isn't as easy as that.

When a similar thing happened to me, the last thing I wanted to do wash push ds away even further. Young boys only see the 'freedom' not 'the lack of boundaries'.

Nonstop did you get hold of his tutor? I'd let the school know exactly what's going on.

I know I need to get something done but I'm afraid it is gonna push my ds away further. I did manage to have a meeting with my son's head of year today and explained what had been going on. He told me that my ds has been ok lately, not brilliant behaviour but nothing to worry about but would keep an eye on him and to keep him informed of what's going on. I then got home and had a call from ds's science teacher saying that she had had enough of my ds's behaviour as he keeps turning up late for his lesson, and when she asked him why he hadn't turned up for a detention she had set he said it was because he didn't want to and that he would get a note from his dad saying that he wouldn't have to do it. I then told her what had been going on and that he speaks to me the same, and asked if she could phone his dad to let him know. She said that there has definitely been a change in his behaviour lately and she's had enough of him. I'll be calling the school back tomorrow to find out what is gonna be done and to see what his dad has said.
I also called parentline this morning and they advised me to try and be patient about the situation and just keep talking to my ds and explaining why I want him home.