son is going to live with his dad

[nonstopmom]

Hiya

did add this to a thread that had already been started but have been advised to start a new one so I could get more advice.

My son has said that he wants to live with his dad as he doesn't moan at him (ie about homework, getting up for school etc). Also, his dad has filled his head full of rubbish saying that my partner and I were having an affair before my son was even born! ( I didn't even know him until he was 3)
I haven't had any contact from my son for nearly a week and the last thing his dad said is that he wants him living with him permanently, but he doesn't work, smokes cannabis and would rather look at the 4 walls then do something constructive with his life. He says he can't afford to have him live there so wants child benefit, and claim for him etc. He also suffers with depression - I just think his home is not a good enviroment for my son and his dad is not a good role model.
My partner says that I should let him go and live with his dad permanently otherwise my son will keep walking all over me but it's breaking my heart.
Really don't know what to do - I do everything I can for my son, but he told me that because I 'moan' at him he respects his dad and not me.

My son is 12, nearly 13. It's been a week now and haven't seen him. What makes it hard as well is that his dad lives within walking distance from our house, so what is happening is that when I am trying to make bounderies for my son and he doesn't like it, he says he's going to live there (this being the 2nd time now), then his dad takes over and says that he wants him living there permanently because I can't control him and that if he lives there, he will.
I can't communicate with my ex anymore as we just end up arguing, when i try and talk he just brings up that I have messed up his life. We broke up over 11 years ago and blames everyone else for his problems, he's very paranoid and has always suffered with depression since I've known him, but of course the cannabis would make it worse - so you can imagine what he's saying to my son.
When it happened the first time,my son started popping in on his way to school if I wasn't at work. Then he said that he'd have to start staying at home sometimes as his dad didn't have any food, then he just ended up back at home. This time his dad is saying he wants to do it properly and get his child benefit etc.
My partner and I also have a 10 month old baby girl. I've told him how I feel, and he thinks that if I get my son to come home and it's not his own choice, that he is just gonna keep walking all over me and he doesn't want any arguing because of the baby. Which is true but what else can I do? My son has got the attitude that he can do what he wants, if I said that he's not to go down his dads after school and I want him to come home, he will just say that he was. I've tried taking things away from him, but then he can go to his dads and do what he likes.
I'm trying to be happy all the time for the sake of my baby, but just want my other baby to be at home too, I feel lost without him.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Nonstop - I feel your pain. Keep telling him you love him and miss him, it is still his home and you'll be glad to see him back. It was fortuitous (sp?) for me that when at my wits end I was about to contact ds' school and they contacted me first, they had picked up on his behaviour, hauled him in to a counsellor and I think that all helped. Is there any such support in your ds' school?

I'll say again that when exh thought he might be investigated in any way he backed right off. twunt

what a heart-breaking situation. huge sympathies.

fwiw I think firstly that you must seek as much professional advice as possible - school's a good start, and parentline, and cab. keep looking for as much of this as possible to allow you to form a strategy and a plan that will see your son in a stable, nurturing environment, with boundaries and responsibilities, doing well at school, enjoying life out of school - he needs those things so much as he moves towards being a teen.

I agree with the stuff about telling him you love him, but to my mind you need to explain to him what this means - he needs to know that this love is about him and his (long-term, serious) needs - not your needs. if the message he gets is that you need him more then he needs you then that puts him in charge. which, imvho, he just isn't old enough to be. he needs to know his thoughts and needs are respected - but they aren't the bottom line. the bottom line is a joint effort. and the more responsible he is the more say he gets.

what i'm trying to say is that he must understand that you loving him means that you want him to grow up happy, safe, responsible, and educated and taht sometimes loving him in this way means you have to make unpopular decisions/set boundaries - like how much nintendo he can play. and even if that means he doesn't like you, you're prepared to do it. because you love and care for him. you're in it because you love him. not because you want to be popular. i think very young kids grasp this and understand it's a far deeper love than the kind of "love" that lets them do whatever they want.

remind him too that loving him means you'll feed him properly and wash his clothes. but that he has to repect and appreciate that.

on the actual living arrangements - see what the professionals say but I can't imagine him being in the driving seat quite as much as he is is good for him. i would have thought that he needs a system, that everyone involved can cope with. obviously he must get a big say in what that is - but not on a day-to-day basis. it needs to be negotiated, planned and firm - if the 4 of you can't sit down and agree it then I really do think you needs to try some sort of mediator. again see what the professionals say - but it could even be a mutual friend who will make suare everyone gets a say, and that fair decisions are taken.it will probably take time - and I guess he needs time to process everything around him.

good luck. don't give up. get the professional advice.

Hatwoman, I take my hat off to you. Beautifully put.

thank you all so much for your advice to help deal with this situation, it really has been a great help. I have an appointment with a solicitor, but can't see me until the 9th feb, but at least it's booked, so can get some advice there. Left 2 messages with the school today and have been calling them all day and no response or line is engaged, so don't know how to deal with the situation from school and my son will be here soon. I've got to say something about it, but I'm afraid he's just gonna go to his dads again cause he won't like it..nightmare!

Sorry to hear your DD has not returned yet TSC.

i'm glad my post made some sense - i was quite nervous because it's based on instinct and reading rather than personal experience. my only vaguely relevant experience is that my parents divorced and I do remember feelng quite powerless - but I never tried to assert myself quite like your ds is doing. nonstopmom - you sound like an ace, caring mum, who's doing everything they can, with ds' best interest at heart. i'm sure there'll be awful pain but I hope I'm not wrong in my belief that things come right in the end for people like you, who do the Right Thing.

You're doing the right thing though. Just remember that.

Oh Jesus, I'm sorry.

I'm sure your DP understands your distress.

You really are doing the right thing, it's just a fucking shame that those around you can't see the iffy road she's choosing. Honestly, I really hope she's going to wake up soon and come home.

(God, I sound like a mad stalker - just read a couple of your threads and remembered the details as I am shocked at what's been going on)

You've got so much on your plate at the moment. Did I read that you're expecting another one or did I dream that?

He probably doesn't get it to be honest. But I'm sure he understands that you're feeling like shite. Don't be ashamed at being upset, it's only natural. Have you spoken to DD recently?

Just so as you know if you have residency your ex is in contempt of court "might be useful"

Nonstop - keep trying at the school. As Hatwoman says you have his best interests at heart and that is the focus of you parenting him as opposed to exh.

Hope you're OK. Unmumsnet big hug to you.

Try and think, that you will get him back at some stage. Maybe not today, but at some stage he will come home.

TSC - sorry, had to dash offline for a bit.

I'm going to go and find your other thread and post to you there.

nonstopmom.

I would consider telling your son and ex that as far as you are concerned this is a 4 month trial and at the end of those 4 months you will consider transfering child benefit to him. However I would now be citing that during the school week he needs to be at yours because of going to school late regularly.

If you have him sleeping at yours 4 nights a week, mon, tue, wed & thurs then you still have majority care even if he went to your exs between school and bed time it's where he sleeps that counts.

HTH

Cal 2010 said: 'You have nothing to feel guilty about but must take charge, no one is better qualified or better placed to give your son what he needs'

Please listen to that advice nonstopmum. Be the boss and don't be apologetic about enforcing boundaries that protect your son. Get all 'lioness' about it!

My 12 yo DS and his dad flirted with the idea of living together a couple of years ago and I slammed on it like a ton of bricks. Amazingly, once I stood up to my Ex he gained a new respect for me and since then (it was a horrendous couple of months when I had to force myself to be brave) all the visitation has gone swimmingly. Our son has a great relationship with him and everything worked out. I explained very carefully to my son every step of the way why I was obstructing the move, in the same way as I would prevent him running out into the street. 'No negotiation. If you don't like it, tough.' Things are much better than before it all came to a head. My Ex has even started being supportive of me and contributing more to our son's practical needs. If you knew him, you'd be as amazed by this as me!

Wishing you luck and a good fighting spirit!

hi nonstop...

i agree go straight to his school as speak to the headmaster and ask to be informed if any behavour changes for the worst.. id also call ss and explain to them the situation!! i bet when they are both involved and in his business and his condoning weed smoking in the house the ss will have an issue with i bet he wont be so smug them.
if my son was in this situation id def give the local police a call to see what can be done. id fight for my son to be home!! not with a waster like your ex!!!

my DD's dad is the same but on herion now and she is only 3yrs. i banned him ever taking her anywhere n moved but i know this isnt the answer in your situation!

As far as handin over money!! DONT!! he'd have to take me to court for rights n let him take further action theres no way the courts will allow your son to stay there in those conditions! its great your keeping a diary xx

its a horrible situation n i have greatest sympathy for you.. be strong.. and smile knowing your doing your best.. thats all you can do as a mother

SmilerJane, I think we're singing from the same hymn sheet.

Mine soon backed off at the mention of ss.

Nonstop, are you on talking terms with exh. Whether you are or aren't I'd say to him that you want a profession opinion of where ds should be and see if he sees the light. This is for your ds' best interests.

Have you managed to see DS? I've been thinking about you.

professional.

hi all - thanks again for all your support with this.

I have managed to get hold of my ds head of year today and he wasn't aware of the incident with my ds science teacher - he said he will speak with her and come back to me as she hadn't reported anything to him. Tried to have another chat with my ds yesterday and he is still insistent on living with his dad. I explained nicely all the reasons why I don't agree. He thinks that if it goes to court that he could choose because they will listen to what he wants, also explained that the court will listen to his thoughts and feelings but will choose what is best for him.
I have an appointment with a solicitor on 11th Feb who deals with family law and will wait and see what the school come back with.
Still trying to stay strong, but finding it hard today.

So sorry Nonstop. The sooner this is resolved the better. Did you speak to your exh?