third child or not? thoughts please!

[littlebylittle]

Have 14 month old ds and 4 year old dd. Facing the question of whether our family is complete and the first big potential disagreement with dh in years (not over day to day stuff obviously, plenty of those!). I'm feeling as if third good idea despite very tough first year with ds and dh hasn't ruled it out but is very scared on a number of levels - I'm 36, will baby be okay, exhaustion levels, the only people we know with three wouldn't necessarily recommend it, his dad one of three and doesn't think it's a good idea. And to be honest I think he thinks things are pretty balanced and I'm not so sure.
Just don't know enough folk with three that I can ask deep questions to about how it is with three, both at the baby stage and beyond and how they decided to go for it , or people who were one of three to know how it is to be one of three. It was a long and complicated process to get to number two and whilst I don't want that to be the factor that decides, we'll need to be sure what we want before we even start. Sorry if this all seems too personal to ask, but if it is then please ignore!
Bit long post too - sorry

Hi littlebylittle I've got three and they are 18,16 and 13 now. I have never regretted having three even though it was a bit manic when they were small. DS (number 3) was the easiest baby in the world which is just as well as he never had his coat off. We originally wanted two and had DD1 and DD2 two years apart but for some reason I just wanted another. The larger gap between 2 and 3 was because DH needed quite a lot of persuading.

Ask away if you have any questions but the baby stage is all a blurred memory now .

Hi LBL

I will be in exactly same position a year from now. I have 2.8 yr old DS and 4 week old DD. I started a thread a few days ago asking people pro' and cons of a third. There was lots of helpful answers. The thread was 'mums of 3 - do you recommend'. It must be on the last page as I cant see it now.

Im clearly nuts! I cant stop wondering if she is my last. I dont know why the hell it matters right now but it flits in and out of my head all day.

My DH is horrified!

Hi, I'm a mum of 3, having had my third at the age of 36. They are now 7, 5 and 2.5. Age not really an issue, although I did find it very tiring being pregnant with number 3 while looking after 2 lo's.

I always thought 3 was the number for me, although have to say I find it bloody hard work but maybe that's because they are close in age. I have dd1, ds and dd2 - the dynamics aren't great as there always seems to be someone left out. They are always bickering - it drives me nuts! And just getting out of the house can be a nightmare. . .

We also needed a bigger car and will have to move in the next couple of years. Going out can be expensive so I have become great at thinking of cheap days out although I am very fortunate in that I live by the sea.

Of course, I wouldn't be without my 3 dc's but if I had my time again I probably wouldn't go for 3.

Sorry to be negative, but I find looking after 3 small children a challenge. But if you enjoy being part of a noisy, chaotic house go for it!

It's not number 3 that's the problem, it's number 1 & 2 !

oh gosh jay11, don't say that! I am 35 wks pg with no. 3 with almost identical age gaps - and also 36 - tell me it will all be OK, pleeeeaaase Am def. finding being pg with 2 very hard but friends have said having 3 out is easier than 2 out and 1 in IYKWIM - is it all lies??!!

mine are 10, 8 and 6. dc3 suffered birth hypoxia and has cerebral palsy, so the first couple of years were very traumatic - and i think my ds, who was 21 months when dd2 was born, has very probably suffered even more as the middle child as a result!

now that things are more stable, i often wonder whether we did the right thing by getting dh's vasectomy done asap after dd2's birth. even dd2 would like another baby, but there was just no way we could contemplate going through it all again at that point.

my point really, is, no-one knows what's going to happen in the future. whatever does happen, you will find your way round it.

i will say, (sn not withstanding) trying to get 3 different children to after school activities, parties, sports, is no picnic lol. this is the first year that all 3 have been in the same school - having spent some years ferrying children to different schools and nurseries (for three years all three were in different settings) it's a logical issue lol!

of course, none of the logistics matters, really, it's your family, after all. but if you get stressed out by the idea of having to be in four places at once, don't do it lol!

Sorry drskidaddle! I was lucky dc3 was a very easy baby so definately easier out than in! I found the first year ok tbh but, as Mad says, its getting everyone to after school clubs, activities and just school that is difficult. And mine are still young!!

I guess it depends how you are as a person. Unfortunately, I like peace and quiet - obviously I'm in the wrong job

Again, sorry to be negative - I guess I've had 3 weeks of arguing and telling tales so am at the end of my tether!!

Btw, my dh loves having 3, loves all the shouting and madness!!

I also like peace and quiet jay11 - what have I done??!!

But I'm sure mad is right - all the stress/chaos/work etc doesn't even come into it when you ask yourself whether you are glad you had your last baby - that is why we decided to go for no.3 - because we thought we would never regret having a baby but we might regret not having one.

And jay11 I'm sure my DH will also love having 3 but he will not be at home with them all the time!

Have you been scared off LBL??!

I think you're right, I would have regretted not going for number 3. And I guess dh loves it cos he is not at home with the 3 of them!

If you are laid back I'm sure you'll be fine. I think being organised also helps.

I have just had a great 30 mins playing wii with the kids. And then a nightmare trying to get them bathed and ready for bed, with them running round like loonies - but this happens no matter how many you have.

I was 42 when I had no. 3. I went through the agony about having 3,would the baby ok healthy, would they all get on,can we cope, money etc.? Now I can recommend it highly, each play with the other (3 yrs apart) and all 3 together. We cope fine the money seems to cover exra food etc. Any comprise outweighs the bonus.

Littlebylittle - I'm in your position (4 year old and 11 month old) so am interested to read this thread. The way I look at is, when I am old and grey will I regret not having another child. For me it's not about having another baby, because we all know how tough the first few months are. The logistics and money worries of having 3 scares me, and how the family dynamic will change. Good luck with your decision! I'm nearly 34, so I will be thinking about age. I couldn't cope with a small age gap, 3 years minimum.

I'm one of three children, as was ex-h and I think that's why we thought of having 3 as the norm.

There's quite a big gap between DC1 & 2 and a smaller gap between DC2 & 3 which made life easier than having them all close together.

I loved having 3 and possibly would have had more if I hadn't gone through an early menopause.

Our house was always full of children - ours and their friends, and it was busy, lively, noisy and crowded - but great fun.

Financially, it wasn't easy - I didn't go back to FT work till DC3 was at school - but I loved being a SAHM and look back at that time as being really happy.

This is all really honest and helpful, thank you. And hello to those facing a similar dilemma. I know that there must be another side to it too - people who've had this dilemma and plumped for sticking with two. Wondering how that process goes too. I am imagine that if we do stop there will be a "moving on" process to get through - letting go of having small children after it's been so all consuming and dealing with how I feel without making it dh's "fault" for not wanting three. People must get through and I just need to know how it feels to be on the other side. After all, even if we do have three everyone has to stop having children sometime after one, two or nearly twenty (like that lady in Arkansas!).

littlebylittle you echo my thoughts.

I look at my DS (2.8) who is so cute and funny and think about all the happy times and not to mention cuddles(forgot all the shit times)!!

I also look at my tiny 4 week old DD and I feel sad at the thought of how fast it all goes. I want to keep them this age forever. Well, possibly not DD, im bloody knackered and I hate BF!

BUT DS, I don't want him to loose his cute baby face and his funny little toddler quotes that have us in stitches. Im so proud of him when we are out and about and he chats to anyone who will listen!

What will happen when DD gets to nursery and he is at school? Im a SAHM and I will feel - made redundent!

I dont want a mega noisy house. I get stressed when the place is a mess and ironing is my least favourite activity ever. Im not the most patient person so thinking of me with 3 is madness.
I think I just want to pro long the baby years which is stupid.

I also (getting really honest now) feel we need back up . What if one kid emigrates and the other is a nightmare headache. I know my brother brings the family nothing but misary and stress.
2 is just not enough to guarantee and grandchildren is it, lol

Those are my really stupid reasons....back me up people to get the thought of a third out my messed up mind!!

Well, mine are 8, 7, and getting on 2.
I just didn't feel 'finished' with two. I also sort of felt that with the 2 adults, 2 children dynamic it was all quite set. Part of me said, 'why would you want to disrupt that?', another part of me wanted to shake up the dynamic a bit.
Another more personal reason why we wanted to have three is that both of us are from families with 2 children. In my case my brother has died, and in my husbands case his sister has a major illness and will not have any children. I think that both of us felt that 3 was somehow a bit more insurance. Certainly not our main reason for having a 3rd, but it was hanging in the back of our minds.
I was 38 when 3rd was born, and was nervous that all would be well, but it was fine. I did find it very tiring to be in F/T work, and pg. I took 9 months off and then went back 3 days/week.
For us it has been a wonderful thing. We all really love the baby, and it has positively affected the dynamics of the family. It is more chaotic and loud, and I am aware of money stretching a bit more (eg visiting my parents in the states will be more difficult to afford the fares), but basically, we are all really glad we went for it. And I do feel finished now!

My dc are 6, 4 and 2 - as everyone else has said it is constant chaos, at the times it matters (before school and bedtime) I'm like a sargent major at all other times I sit back and let chaos rule! 80% of the time I'm happy with this. 20% of the time it's ruddy hard work but it is so worth it.

I'm 1 of 4. So when people say you should have an even number of dc so they don't gang up on each other I can say from experience that we used to (and still do) gang up, 3 against 1 and that's worse! However, always have someone I can call on and it's us against the world.

3 is definately the magic number (however not sure dc2 is! - but atleast it turned him into the middle child so he could live upto that name!)

Mine are 5, 3, 6 months. It's hard work. Alot of washing. Constant washing. Dd3 is constantly backward and forwards in the buggy to/from school/nursery. She screamed for the first six months as had terrible colic. Things are settling down a bit now but it feels like a long slog. She is lovely though. I find things like taking dd1 to after school activities difficult with threeand gave to rely on friends to help her have a social life but things are getting easier, slowly and I think in another 6 months it will be better.

I was having the same dilemma a few months ago. I didn't actually reach a decision as to whether to have a 3rd or not, but now I find myself 16 weeks pregnant! (We'd had previous fertility issues too, but shockingly found ourselves conceiving the first time we had sex after having ds (who was 11 months at the time )).

I imagine that the first few years will be very hard, but with lovely moments, and that it will get easier as they all get a bit older.

I am also 36 and have a dd who will be 4 next month, and a ds who is 15 months.

I have two boys of 5 and 2 and have decided not to have any more. The decision was mainly made due to a 36 week loss and a 14 week loss. I had to really convince myself of the good points of having no more and it eventually worked! Now I truly am happy with the decision and can't imagine having another. Life is lovely with my two boys, close to perfect in fact. [whispers that last bit so as not to alert the Jinx Fairy!]

I don't think I should go into a big waffle about why stopping at 2 is so great as I don't want to offend all those that went on to have more!

Butterball - I think everyone with 3 (or more) dc are highly aware of the benefits of having 2

Hi

I am mum of two, DS6 & DD4.

I always read/search for the "having baby 3 posts".

Since my DD, was born I have always wanted another, but for me I wanted to wait until DD was at school - well she will start this Sept & now TBH I just can't make a decision either way.

Worried about upsetting the family dynamics, worried of how I will cope - am not very patient & do get stressed at the mess/noise.

But the thought of not going through it all just one more time makes me feel very sad.

I do know that I don't just want another baby but would like another child to make the family complete.

However, I do have a really strong feeling of "not pushing my luck" & just being grateful with the two heathly DC that I have got.

I could go on ALL day with the pros/cons, but do know I spend more time than I should thinking about it!!!

I have just turned 36 so feel that due to DC's ages/my age the decison needs to be made sooner than later.......

Hi, I have 3 dc's 4, 2 and 15wks. I'm loving it, I think it was much more of a shock going from 1 to 2 children than 2 to 3. dd2 has just fitted in to the routine, it does take ages to get out of the house though!

Also my house isn't that chaotic, you have to be quite organised about everything though. There isn't much room for being spontaneous, everything has to be planned.

My sister has 4 dc's (2,4,6,8 years) and is pregnant with number 5, now her house IS chaotic!

I think I'm stopping at three although I may be tempted to have another...