Rules for siblings on sharing - what are yours?

[hester]

I have a dd (4) and am hoping to soon adopt a younger child (probably 1). I have discussed this with dd and she is generally positive, but adamant that she won't share her room or her toys.

I'm sympathetic to her being able to keep some things sacred from a grabby toddler, but obviously she does have to learn to share - space, toys, parental attention - with her new sister. I realise I have absolutely no idea what the 'rules' are in other families. So what do you do? Are your children allowed to ban siblings from their rooms? Are they allowed to refuse to share certain toys? I'd like to set expectations from the start, so would be grateful for any advice.

I have my own 2 a dd and a ds and a stepson (doesn't live here though) and the same rule applies to all.

There is obviously a certain amount of sharing but they are allowed to kep special toys/possesions but they must be put away in childs own wardrobe/bedroom cupboard when not in use if it is left lying about it is a free for all.

My own 2 are used to having each other these rules have always been loosly followed by us but are more for dss benefit who is a few years older and an only child so sharing not his strong point.

I try not to let them ban each other from rooms but also see no problem with saying they are not allowed in without premission as that is the other persons space the same also applies to me I knock before going into their rooms and ask the same from them in my room.

My ex has a DSD with his new partner and she is a bit spoilt and was/is not keen on sharing but ex and his dp did ask hoe we keep the peace in our house and started applying the same at theirs and their dd has just got used to sharing over time and she does often put things away in her wardrobe as she learnt soon enough that the others would play with anything left out.

I do also try and live by the rules too though there are obviously things any of us wouldn't share with the dc's but I do try to allow them requests of borrowing or using my things to lead by example a bit.

SOrry that was rather long and rambling and probably absolutely no help at all

Mine are 7 and 3 and it is drummed into them that all toys are to be shared and if one "owns" a toy that they are not actually playing with at the time, it is available to other DD. If one DD is wanting to play on her own, she says so and other DD will leave it. Similarly, both girls have free access to each others rooms unless they say they want to be on their own. As they have grown up with this, it works well. As they get older and teenagers, then I expect that they will need more privacy in their rooms.
I grew up never being allowed to play with my sisters toys or books and even into her room ,and I vowed that my kids would learn at an early age otherwise!
You are in a harder position as obviously your DD has got to age 4 without having to share at home and it will be hard for her having to share you on top of her toys/room etc.
I am no expert but I would suggest that she is allowed to pick a few "special" toys that she can keep to herself and maybe agree a certain time of day, maybe before tea for an hour or whatever suits, that she has her room to herself.
If she is too stroppy, then emphasise the new toys that new child will be getting and she won't be able to play with them at all, if she does not share her own! At this stage, you cannot force her to share, but subtle blackmail may work!
Good luck.

Thanks, both - very helpful. I'm hoping that the age gap between them will mean they won't be interested in the same toys... oh, who am I kidding, what self-respecting toddler doesn't want to play with everything they're not supposed to?

Growing up we had rules similar to Cat64 with personal room/space and like Ineeda toys were kept in rooms except share toys like lego / art&craft etc, they were in the family room.

Oh boy, with three boys aged 8, 6 and 3, they have to share everything. Two share a bedroom (and normally a single bed - through choice!). The only rules are/were:

1. when little one was little, small bits of lego had to be cleared up when I said so.
2. you get to play exclusively with things on christmas day/your birthday. after that (or perhaps for a couple more days for really real favourite toys) everything is fair game.

I like to think that my boys get most of their arguments over sharing done with in my house so they don't have to have them when they go to friends.

Oh, and we have an old kitchen timer that we use to ensure that if there is an argument over how long someone plays with a toy, I can make sure they share evenly. Actually, they love the timer.

However, I can quite understand that in the circumstances (big gap between children, and adoption) it might be right to let your dd keep some stuff just for herself to emphasise that she's not being 'set aside' because there's a new baby in the house. sorry, badly expressed, but hope you get my drift.