Not sure how much longer I can do this. Please someone talk to me

[roslily]

My ds is 18 weeks old. He has never been a great sleeper, but we were managing 10.30pm-3am and then til 5am. Great! But now he is waking every hour again, and the closer it gets to 6am the shorter the time.

He doesn't nap in day much, maybe for 45mins, so not really able to catch up on sleep. He has occasionally slept longer, but these are one offs. He will sleep longer in day if I lie down next to him, but I can't keep doing that as I return to work in 8 weeks and the childminder can't lie down with him!

This morning I cried at 5am when he wouldn't go back to sleep. I am so tired I can barely function. I won't be able to cope at work like this. I am a teacher and have had time off for depression before. I cannot have any more time off.

I can't really express the desperation I feel at the moment. I have thought about hurting myself just so they will take me away and I will get a break.

My dh refuses to do nights, and not much point as as soon as he cries or gets grouchy he brings him back to me. I am on ADs, already 40mg. Don't think it is worth going back to doctors as she can't make him sleep.

I nearly walked out of house this morning just to get away. I have no family near by

Oh you poor thing. I can empathise so much.

Could you have PND? Is there anyone you could turn to, a HV you could talk things through with? I really think you need some help urgently

First of all, my extreme sympathy. You say you have no family nearby but is there anyone who could come and stay for a while to help? What is your relationship like with your mum? Does she know how desperate you are?

I think you need to concentrate on how to make things more manageable now, and not think about what it will be like in 8 weeks. Things can change a lot in that time. It is probably worth lying down with DS in the day, you will both get more rest and it may benefit his night time sleep if he is better rested in the day.

Your DH sounds very unsupportive. Does he not realise how bad things are for you? He has to help you out more if at all possible.

Can you talk to your Health Visitor? Is she someone you get on with?

Hi there,
I duno much about babies as I am only a bit pregnant but I know about depression. You need to tell your GP how you feel surely? Some I know are useless but maybe your ADs are not suiting you. Post natal depression needs treating with more than just drugs but also therapy, CBT etc. What do I know - not alot but I know you won't be alone feeling how you do.
I just want to tell you I am thinking of you and you are not alone.
sx

Are you bf or ff? If bf would you consider co-sleeping, so he can just latch on whenever he wants and you can keep on sleeping?

Make your DH help you out- he just has to. What do you mean- he refuses?!

Finally, there are ways to 'train' your baby to sleep better, I am sure someone will come here shortly with lots of advice.

FWIW, I was a zombie for the first 6 months, total nightmare and it seems like it will never end- but then suddenly, they start to sleep better/ through!

And get your DH to help! Am for you.

You poor love. You need to reach out for all sources of support and - as hard as it is - be forceful about how desperate you are feeling and how you don't feel you can go on like this. Does your DH know you feel this way? If not, you must tell him and MAKE him pull his weight. He should be doing so much more. If you have told him, why is he not helping you more?! It's his child too, he needs to step up as a matter of urgency.

I also second the idea of talking to your HV. It might be that you could get more support that you are unaware of, and there will be direct help from them too. Go back to your doctor and tell them everything you wrote in your post.

Sleep deprivation/baby cries are used as torture in some situations so it's not surprising you are fraying at the edges. Do please reach out to friends, family, local MNers, baby groups, doctor, HV etc. You can get through this but it's perfectly okay to say "Could I have some help please?" and you don't have to harm yourself to get that help.
I hope you are alright, come back and keep us posted. Hugs to you.

OP, I have to go now but I hope this thread keeps going as you really need support. Is there anyone you can phone in RL now? Could you perhaps phone Parentline if not?

And yes, I can tell you it will get better although hard to believe at the time. DS was just like this at that age but got a lot better.

i was going to echo talking to the HV or your dr too.

i really sympathasise my ds is 4 months and a totally rubbish sleeper in the day - max of 45 mins unless we've been out for a walk and he's fallen into deep sleep. i don't get any relief as i have 2 others who are always around. and the night is much the same - i'm resigned to being more or less awake from 4.30/5 ish.

i go to bed early and co-sleep and that helps. i do favour the lying down with the baby to get it to sleep but i do understand your pressures and how that isn't suitable at this time.

Do not worry about the cm. She will have her own routines and ways of getting your ds to sleep.

Can you take longer off workif you need to, so that you are not panicking about what will happen in 8 weeks' time?

Can you get your dh to do the night shift at weekends or whenever he has no work the next day?

You need a break and you need t start being very clear with your dh, your hv, any family, that you need a break.

I don't suppose a helpful relative lives nearby?

My mum has an idea, but as a teacher as well she can't come and stay easily during term time. My dh knows I am tired but he doesn't really know how I feel. His argument is that he has to work won't do night feeds. God knows what will happen when I go back to work.

He doesn't have masses of patience, so if ds cries and he can't work out what it is he gives him to me. He is also an advocate of "letting him cry more" and tells me I am getting him into bad habits by bed sharing.

HV referred us to a sleep clinic back in December- appointment is 22nd Jan, which seems like an age away.

Although I have PND, I am sure that this latest stuff is purely sleep linked. I just don't know what I am doing wrong, so that he won't sleep.

it is totally shit ,the whole sleep deprivation thing , going through it myself st the moment . if your dh really is that useless ,could you ask your childminder to have the baby for 2-3 hours for you ,a couple of times a week ? its amazing what a couple of hours can do for your mental wellbeing . hope somebody can help you , it reallly does get better ,ive got a 15yr old and they sleep at least 20hrs a day given half a chance .

No time to post at length but sending massive empathy/sympathy and really hope you get some help, OP. It is really hard and you deserve more support xxx

Can't your mum stay at least one night at the weekend? If you tell her how bad this is? The way you feel just now, it would possibly be more worthwhile to get a helpful person on board rather than trying to coerce your dh (who really should be doing a lot more but you need urgent short term help.)

I think you could really do with someone who will just deal with your baby all night so you can crawl away and sleep.

My god, I would be happy to do that for one of my own dds one day but I realise all gps are different.

Don;t even think about going bakc to work! Don;t stress yourself any more than necessary.

Have to go back to work. That is when money runs out and as ds was a (lovely) accident and I am major wage earner I need to work to pay mortgage.

I don't mean, don't go back to work. I mean, don't think about going back to work yet.

Your dh needs to help or tell him you will not be able to go back to work.

Whereabouts are you? I would offer to hold baby so you can sleep.

Sounds really tough
3 important things, dont feel guilty, you are doing NOTHING wrong and it will get better.
I had to bounce around the room for 2hours to get DD to sleep, as soon as I stopped and lay down with her or her back touched the cot/moses basket/chair/mat/pushchair she would scream and the whole process started again.
Now she's 16months and is in bed for 7pm, wakes up at 7am it gets better!
Do you have a new mums line in your area? we have a group of volunteer mums who are at the end of their phone 24hours a day and will even come out to you 24hours a day, just to sit with you, give you advice, be a shoulder to cry on, basically they are pretty fantastic. If you dont know of one let me know and I'll call them to find out whats on offer elsewhere xxxx

You poor love. Firstly - it WILL get better, and in time this will seem like a couple of bad nights - take it from one who knows! DS2 was also a rubbish sleeper, and I would be up 3 or 4 times a night with him, then going off at 7.30am to teach all day. It basically can't be done! Your health is really important, and you sound quite anxious about the going back to work deadline - is there any chance you can extend it by half a term? It would take a lot of pressure off you.

DH might not be much help in the night, but surely he could take over from, say 8pm, and you could go to bed that early. At least this would give you a few hours before the first wake up.
I remember becoming obsessed about how many hours sleep I'd had (or not!) Many a time I drove to work with no awareness of driving - how bloody dangerous. Auto pilot. Try to grab an extra half term if at all possible. You have shed loads of sympathy from me.

If you aren't fit to go back then you shouldn't. Talk to your GP and get signed off sick so in 8 weeks you'll be off sick with PND. School can really do much if it is pregnancy related. Doing that will hopefully take a bit of pressure off.

Your DH is being an arse, frankly. You really do need to get him to do a weekend shift while you catch up. I also agree with the suggestion of using the childminder sooner rather than later.

If it helps much, my DS2 was a nightmare sleeper around 18 weeks but he is so much better now. My other son always gets up at 6am so we've just had to go to bed earlier in order to cope with life with an early-riser. Could you do that? It might help to go to bed earlier and just accept that for a while?

Sometimes with women with PND, the sleep problem is theirs rather than the baby - so, the woman is waking up a lot or unable to get to sleep, and hearing every noise that the baby makes - sometimes the baby would be able to settle him/herself back to sleep but because mum is awake and hyper-aware, she goes to the baby and for her, the baby doesn't sleep well. It's part of the illness of PND and no-ones fault.

What helps women with PND is addressing their sleep - 4 hours uninterrupted sleep at night and one hour during the day is both protective and healing - it allows the woman's cortisol levels to regulate themselves.

You could ask your partner to work with you to allow that 4 hour and 1 hour stretch - maybe going to bed at 9pm and he deals with the baby until 2pm - you could use earplugs so you don't hear anything. During the day - could someone take the baby out for an hour or two allowing you some rest time ?

Yes he's at work, but you are not on holiday - you are on maternity leave and have replaced one job with another ! You are BOTH parents and both have needs for things like rest and sleep and it's unfair of him to expect you to do all the night stuff - your tiredness is probably contributing to your PND.

Could you mum help at the weekend or could she take a week's emergency leave to come and help out - the idea of that might shame your partner into pulling his finger out ! Enlist the help of your HV as well - maybe they could speak to your partner about the help that you need ?

If you can sort out your sleep, you will be able to help your baby sleep too.

Hope you feel better soon

I'm with pointy but entirely understand re going back to work. Does DH have any idea just how desperate you are? Mine was the same but when faced with a snivelling heap (me) did finally realise that it wasn't just me doing a little light moaning. Would it be feasable to leave ds with gps for a weekend so you could just sleep solidly.

Hope all works ok for you - you have all my empathy.

Be firm with your husband, set some time to talk to him about the matter, he does really need to help, more so if you are all day long with the baby, you need a bit of a free time to get some rest so you can cope with the next day. And leave DS under his care for a few hours so he can see that he may be working but you are working too!

However, bear in mind that to do so, you also need to work on DS sleep habits, I know you mention you are trying, but you also say that you don't like your exh saying that you should let him to cry.

I think that if you are that exhausted, the baby is clean, not hungry, and doesn't look ill, putting him back in his cot in the middle of the night is not exactly a bad thing. Some children find their own sleep patterns some don't. He will obviously will protest in the first few nights, but if you are this exhausted as to consider hurting yourself... well.. you just have to let him cry, otherwise you will have to let him cry anyway but possible for days rather than minutes...

roslily- has your husband seen any of your threads? I really cannot comprehend how he can do nothing to help when you are feeling so desperate. Would you consider showing him this thread or one of your other ones?

I too think you must do whatever works without thinking too much about the future. If your son sleeps longer when you lie down with him then lie down with him, definitely. The childminder can work out what works for her when the time comes, as pointydig says.

Are you getting out of the house at all?

Yeah I go to baby groups, although if one more person at them tells me how their baby has started sleeping through I might lamp them!

I just broke down in tears and showed him this. he didn't realise really. I am going to bed now and he is going to do 10.30pm feed and be in duty until 2am one.

Ditch the idea that it is anything you are doing wrong. Really, most of it is luck.

Hope you get more rest tonight and DH starts listening and understanding.