Not sure how much longer I can do this. Please someone talk to me

[roslily]

My ds is 18 weeks old. He has never been a great sleeper, but we were managing 10.30pm-3am and then til 5am. Great! But now he is waking every hour again, and the closer it gets to 6am the shorter the time.

He doesn't nap in day much, maybe for 45mins, so not really able to catch up on sleep. He has occasionally slept longer, but these are one offs. He will sleep longer in day if I lie down next to him, but I can't keep doing that as I return to work in 8 weeks and the childminder can't lie down with him!

This morning I cried at 5am when he wouldn't go back to sleep. I am so tired I can barely function. I won't be able to cope at work like this. I am a teacher and have had time off for depression before. I cannot have any more time off.

I can't really express the desperation I feel at the moment. I have thought about hurting myself just so they will take me away and I will get a break.

My dh refuses to do nights, and not much point as as soon as he cries or gets grouchy he brings him back to me. I am on ADs, already 40mg. Don't think it is worth going back to doctors as she can't make him sleep.

I nearly walked out of house this morning just to get away. I have no family near by

Do you have a children's centre near you?

You are in Leeds aren't you:

any of these?

If so ask to speak to a family support worker. They are fab - will come round, sit with you, hold the baby, help you with routines (if you want) and generally help take the strain of a difficult baby. I bet you could even grab a couple of hours sleep while they played with the baby if you explain how desperate you are.

And don't worry about work - if you are ill, you are ill - get signed off with the PND and concentrate on getting better x

You poor thing - its so brutal when you're so tired. Shame your husband isn't more helpful, have to say mine wasn't either....cue some very angry conversations several months later! I'm still touchy about lack of sleep now.
Could your Mum come over at the weekend for a day? Even being able to catch a couple of hours sleep during the day helps you get through the nights better.
I'd also suggest (if you're not doing it already) to ruthlessly prioritise your time and make sure you look after yourself and your baby - don't worry about cleaning etc..

Thats great that your dh finally understands a bit of what you are going through ,enjoy your well earned rest . If you did get to the 'i want to hurt myself' stage again ,im not far from you and would happily come and relieve you for an hour or so ,actually it would probably be more like a day ,id end up getting trapped on the armley gyratory in an endless circle too afraid to get off

Also is there any chance you can get a mortgage holiday for a few weeks to add and extra half term to your mat leave ? just thought it was worth mentioning .

Oh good. Mr roslily- your lovely wife and son are having tough times and need a bit of help badly. It is great that you are rising to the occasion. Can any other family members help also?

Have a good sleep, ros.

great post below, snowsquonk, btw.

Well done, really glad DH is taking over this evening and you can go to bed really early. This needs to happen regularly for your sanity.
I know you say you must go back to work for financial reasons. My experience was very similar to yours - bear in mind that teaching is not like many jobs, and you need a huge amount of physical and mental energy to do it properly. My Mum also lived a long way away, and couldn't come over to help very often. Bless her heart, she decided to help in the only way she could - and paid for a cleaner for me. Later on, when she received a small inheritance, she gave me a small lump sum which enabled me to stop work for a a term. After this break, I felt a lot better, DS was sleeping better, and I went into supply teaching and tutoring. I know I was incredibly lucky - but if you absolutely cannot manage unless you go back in 8 weeks, could your Mum help a little? She might be glad to - she can probably see how tough things are, and is frustrated she can't help.

Hope you have a good night.

Roslily,

There are hundred's of Mums out there who know exactly how desperate you feel. I've spent months knowing that if anyone asked how the sleep was going, I would just burst into tears!!

Not sure how MrsJuan worked out you were in Leeds but I'm not far away if you fancy meeting for a coffee!! We paid for a private sleep consultant and in 5 weeks have gone from being up on average 10 times in the night, sometimes every 20 minutes and sometimes for up to 2 hours to having DS on his own in his cot for most of the night!! Best £100 I have ever spent!!

Good Luck and it's not your fault - DS was my third and my middle child was a great sleeper - some babies find sleeping alot harder to learn than others.

i am sorry, i have a dim memory of the nightmare of dd learning to sleep - she is nearly a year now and it is a dim memory: it does pass. i am glad your dh has realised, i hope he will continue to support you, and that your ds works out the sleeping thing sooner rather than later.

can i suggest that you do lie down with ds in the day? one of the issues with dd, i realised in retrospect, is that she was overtired from not sleeping enough in the day and this impacted her ability to sleep at night. we also introduced a soft toy in the cot at about this age, as she was trying to self settle by sucking her thumb but couldn't keep it in her mouth. she still uses the toy (a doudou) when she is settling herself. these may not help, but anything is worth a try. bear in mind that it will get better, don't think ahead to when you are back at work, things may have changed by then. (and if it is at all possible, get your mum to babysit for one night and go to a b&b and just sleep...)

Not much to say that hasn't been said. However, the thing I learnt with my DD was not to worry about the future. There is no point worrying about how you will manage when you go back to work, or how a cm will manage. Worry about the here and now.

Ask for as much help as you can - tell your HV/GP exactly how you feel. Hope your DH will help more now he knows exactly how you feel. If not, please ask you mum to come and stay for the weekend. If you could just get a full sleep for one night you would be able to get perspective on everything.

Sleep deprivation is the worst! Good luck!

Ive not read all the answers. Babies don't just cry all night and day, there's something up.
My DS cried constantly and I was shocked to find out (finally) at 5 months he had reflux. Stomach acid basically comes up and burns the gullet and makes everything from feeding to lying down uncomfortable. Once I was given medication for him he changed over night. He slept 7-7 and 2-3 hours in the day.

I now have a 4 week old DD and she has began crying all evening sometimes from 7pm-3am. It's colic but now im wondering if she had reflux too.

Speak to someone like your HV about these possibilities to rule them out.

You have to speak to your doctor too, you dont have to feel like this. x

Roslily poor you; my life over the past 2 years has been a similar story. If you are going back to work full time and you are the major earner then you need to make sure you are rested enough to cope with your job as you are doing it to keep a roof over all of your heads!

Re ways to manage the sleep deprivation. We have one total night off a week each even if that means sleeping on the sofa with earplugs. This is a massive relief each week adn recharges our batteries. We take turns on other nights. In unsettled periods we have had DS in the bed with us, slept on his floor, done whatever we need to do to get some rest for ourselves!Try and make an arrangement / pact with your DH that you stick to. He will appreciate the off duty time as will you. My DH wasn't great at dealing with a depressed wife but responds well to "having a plan" like this and so does more to help with DS now.

I had PND but did not get on ADs and sort myself out until DS was 18 months old. I coudn't cope at work. I was very low. I felt angry and resentful towards DH. We have no family nearby also. Sleep deprivation played a massive, massive part especially once I was back at work when DS was 9 months old. But part of the problem I had was feeling like a bad mother and unable to "let go" and let DH take over for a bit.

I'm sure I'll get shot down for this, but have you thought about weaning him or at the very least giving him formula at the 10.30 feed?
In my experience (2 DSS), formula can help to get a longer sleep and depending on birthweight/size etc, then some babies do need early weaning. His new increased waking could be related to hunger. (Just a thought, other people please don't start on me)

You have all my sympathy, there is nothing worse than sleep deprivation. xxxxx

Roslilly, I don't know if this is helpful or not - it was helpful to me when it was mine!

Your son is 4 months old. Four months is one of those ages where they go through a whole bunch of developmental stuff, psychological and physical, and it affects their sleep.

These are American resources so I don't know if they get much play over in the UK, but the site 'askmoxie' and the book Wonder Weeks both talk about sleep regressions that occur at various points.

Four months and nine months are the big sleep regression months. For us, sleep got noticeably worse at exactly 4 months and improved only a month later. Nothing we did made much difference, it was a 'grit your teeth and get through it' situation. Likewise nine months.

That's not to say that it's not crushingly hard, and you need all the help you can get (like convincing your husband that baby care isn't actually a voluntary hobby of yous, but something that needs to be done by BOTH of you). But don't worry too much about setting up bad habits or that you're doing 'something wrong'. You're not. Your son is just Four Months Old.

Does your DH work Mon-Fri or at weekends too? If he has weekends off he could at least give you a break then. Could you get a long stretch of sleep in from say 8-1 and then DH go to go to sleep 1-6? When you both go back to work you're going to have to take it in turns anyway.

How did it work? were you able to rest? Hope so

Had a better night last night. Dh did late feed. Ds woke at 2 for feed and i noticed that heating had come on. He then slept til 5.30 so wondering if he has been getting cold. he wears vest, sleepsuit, 2.5 tog sleeping bag and folded blanket. I have tried putting more blankets, but maybe it is air temp?

Or maybe he sensed i was at breaking point and his survival instinct kicked in.

Feel better after some sleep. thanks for all your kind words.

Good!

good for you and dh!

Good Glad you got some sleep.
Just remember your not on your own x

Good, hope things continue to improve!

Roslily, so glad last night was better. Do you know what the usual temp is in your DS's room? My DS sleeps in a room with mostly exterior walls so it is colder than other rooms in the house. When it got really cold last month (our egg thermometer said 11 degrees one morning! supposed to be 16-20) we got a smallish oil-filled radiator from Currys or Comet - cost about £65 - that we use with a timer plug and have set that to come on between 2am and 5am. It also adjusts to room temp so will turn itself down if the room's already warm enough. My DS had gone back to waking several times after getting into a good routine but this seems to have sorted it.

You've got good advice already - it isn't you, some babies just don't sleep well. Don't blame yourself. Glad your DH is helping now. The splitting duties works well. We alternate weekend mornings and each have a turn for a lie in - even an extra hour or two makes such a difference, I have found. And as has been said, it WILL get better.

poor poor you! lack of sleep in some countries can be a form of torture. I hate to ask the obvious but is he always hungry? Can you up his food intake.......? Is he waking beacause of hunger? The man thing does really bring it home how responsible women really are for bringing up the kids. And then we also need to go back to work, not very fair at all

DD is 4.5 months and has just started sleeping the first half of the night after spending 3 weeks waking every hour too. It was horrendous and the sleep deprivation really does make everything seem worse.

I know your DH is doing a stint tonight, could you make this more regular and you could get an earlier night. My DH does Saturday mornings with DD, so he'll have her from whatever time she wakes up and won't go back in the cot and I lie in. DH brings her up for feeding and takes her away again so I can catch up on some sleep. It does make a big difference. I've also taken to doing a morning feed in bed and we'll often both go back to sleep for an hour or so.

Conversely, I think DD was getting too hot (our tiny house heats up fast and stays warm most of the night!). She's now in a 1 tog grobag, sleepsuit and long sleeve vest and sleeping better. I add a blanket if it's chilly when she wakes in the early hours. Worth checking the temperature in your DCs room.

Hugs to you. There's a lot of good advice here, though, and I'm glad that your DH is rising to the challenge.

One thing that jumped out at me was your worry about lying down next to him during the day because of what would happen in 8 weeks. As others have said - no need to worry about that at the moment - just do it, if it helps now.

If lying down next to him for naps and he gets a little more sleep in the daytime, it's just possible that he might then sleep better at night (because of being less overtired) and then by the time the childminder comes in 8 weeks time, things could be better.

Rosily, glad you have had a better night.
My DD was waking every 2-3 hours in the night and the feeding for 45 minutes so most I was getting was 2 hours sleep at a time. She also cried each time I put her back in moses basket. You are not doing anything wrong. Then one night she slept from 12-5 then 12-6 then she started getting tierd earlier so we put her down earlier, she now goes 12 hours without waking. We have done nothing she has done this all herself, letting us know and us reading the signs. IT WILL GET BETTER. Sleep with DS during the day, if he gets better sleep during the day he may sleep better at night.

I agree with other posters, check room temperature, DD room is approx 19 degrees and she has long sleeved vest, socks, sleepsuit and 1.5 tog sleeping bag. Last week during snow she started waking around 5am due to room getting to cold (I thinK)