Am I bad if I crave time alone and find being a full time SAHM utterly tedious?

[bintofbohemia]

Is this fairly normal or am I a bad mother? Have been at home full time since DS1 was born 3 and a half years ago, and two children later am so over being a full time mum. Am not very good at it, and am ashamed to say I find it utterly boring. I jump at chances to be alone and fantasise about buggering off by myself for a weekend, and when I am with them I dont' think I'm doing a very good job. THey fight, they squabble, they don't listen and I find it so frustrating that I actually really don't want to do it anymore. Unfortunately what with the cost of childcare for two and difficulties in the job market I don't think that going back to work is an option, although I desperately wish it was.

I just feel so guilty, I should be enjoying it, I should be motivated to do educational and fun things with them, and I'm just not. Of course I love them, and bits of it are magic, but quite often they do my head in and I think I'm failing and trapped. I'm fairly intelligent and finding myself having to repeat myself incessantly and deal with the relentless demands just drives me to distraction. Do other people feel like this? It's the guilt that's the worst. I have no doubt if I went back to work I'd feel guilty about that too, but then maybe the pros would outweigh the cons?

Oh yes, we all do. But it will get better with time (like when they go to school).

Everyone needs a bit of space, being a FT mum doesn't give you such space unless you have a good support network that allows you to recover in order to deal with yet more things.

Is there any possibility of having some time to yourself? like sending them to nursery for just a few hours so you have some time to recover or to dash and do the things that are stressful to do with 3 small children on tow?

Sometimes, something as simple as asking dad to get in charge of the bed time routine can really make a difference.

I

Just a few hours of space to yourself a week can make a big difference. Find a local nursery or childminder that help.

I sometimes hide in my bedroom with a book and the door shut !

No just honest .

Do agree, you need to find a way to get some time for yourself. Everyone needs it.

There is a book about this, called Torn in Two, I think. Have seen it mentioned on MN a few times. It'a about how you love your children but you don't always enjoy looking after them the whole time.

Is your 3.6 year old at pre-school at all?

My DD went to pre-school at 2.10 and, quite honestly, we were both ready for a break by that stage.

you arev not a bad mother all, stayed at home for 18 months, went stark raving mad until i went back to work p/t

Well, I couldn't do it, so I do sympathise. I know the job market is fairly crappy at the moment, but might it be worth it for your sanity if not your bank balance to go back to work, say, two days a week, if only to pay for the child care. That way you get back into working and also have the time to develop your skills and get some freedom.

Maybe just the act of looking for part-time work might give you a project and make you feel a bit more 'yourself'.

You are not alone.

Thank you for the solidarity! (Should probably say that I didn't word that too well, I only have two DSs, if it were 3 I think I'd be totally insane!)

DS1 is now at playgroup in the mornings, but I still have DS2 full time, although he's much easier to deal with. I've just signed up for Timebank, I reckon even if I do a few hours voluntary work in the evenings I might feel like I'm achieving something useful with my time. Have also ordered that book Doozle, thank for the recommendation.

I think it's worse today because am ill, feeling like crap and DH goes back to work on Monday and I'll be back to the full time daily drudge of it all. I really need to start viewing this a different way - and to make some positive changes...

Glad to have seen this SAHM is very hard its certainly the most difficult job I have ever done....since hubby has gone back to work after xmas i feel like i am going loopy and its only day two! Time Bank is a good suggestion work in a charity shop might be good as well? even a few hours a week as my mum says 'You need a reason to put lippy on'

Not a bad mum. I am a SAHM to a dd of 8.7. I've never worked since she was born due to a combination of circumstances and living out of the UK. Nobody tells you that babies and children in general are boring, they don't start to get interesting till they are around 18 months old, then the tantrums start.

Totally normal. I've been a sahm for almost 5 years, from being a year old, my dc have always been packed off to nursery for a few sessions per week to give me some time to myself. I would literally lose my mind without it. ( as dd1's school is closed on the ONE day this week dd2 is at nursery. My first day alone since mid December. ffs)

Oh god, no, I could have written that post. I have been at home for 4 yrs, dd is 3.9 and ds is 20 mths. Don't even ask how are feel now dd has this week off preschool due to the snow after the never ending holidays.

I will give some advice but pls dont call me a hypocrite as i hyave only managed to do the first one myself.

1. Sign up for some kind of course. I initally started with a sewing machine use one at the local surestart centre which had a free creche, unfortunately I had issues with the creche and didnt finish it but you will prob have better luck. I am noe doing an evening access course at a local uni, its academic so does challenge my brain and is two evening a week guaranteed time out. Dh has the kids.

2. A while back there was an article in my nct mag about creating your own 'tribe' it suggested that it was better to do all the mundane stuff with someone else there. It describes two friend who spent half the week at one house and half at the other and did all the cleaning/cooking etc together. This might be a bit full on, but maybe you could find a friend who would be happy to sit with you while you ironed rather than having to 'entertain' them as guests?

3. Look at local gyms, see if they have a creche, some council run leisure centres do which is cheaper, then you can grab a workpout/do an aerobics class/ sit in the cafe while kids are in the creche

Craving time on your own and finding being a SAHM boring are two different things. I remember that desperation for solitude so vividly. Mkae sure you get it somehow. Do you have a partner? If so, what we did as soon as they were past the BF on demand stage was to divide the weekend into 6 chunks - morning, afternoon and evening Saturday and Sunday, and we made sure that DP and I each got at least one COMPLETELY free chunk every weekens, and another chunk where the other was the "lead parent" and did ALL the wannadrinkwannabiscutneedtheloobeahorseyreadabookhehurtmeshepulledmyhair-ing It sounds calculating, but it really worked.

The other think I did which helped me pshchologically was to think of being a SAHP as my job. That way I didn't feel guilty when I was bored sometimes or didn't do all of it as well as I should or had a coffee break. As a manager, I wouldn't have expected a member of staff to be totally engaged, fascinated and on top form every second of their working day, so why should I expect that of myself when my job was managing my family.

Hope this makes sense.

Thank you so much for this thread. I'm feeling totally rubbish about being a SAHM at the mo - craving time on my own just as you've all said!

I'm finding it all particularly hard this week because it's DH's first week back at work after Xmas and the snow round here has been really heavy, so that's limiting what we can do.

My 18mo DS is sooooo active but doesn't always sleep well, which doesn't help. I'm shattered!

Sorry not to offer advice - just showing solidarity and thanking everyone for posting on here!

Me too! I have been home alone with DD1 (26months) and DD2 (6 months) for the past 6 months, and I have had enough

Love them both lots (obviously!), but I am SO fed up of being at home with them each day.

I think the snow is probably making things seem worse OP, as it easier if you can at least get out and meet up with friends or other mums.

Have packed DD1 off to nursery 2 days/week, which makes it easier as I only have DD2 to deal with, but a whole day alone would be bliss...

Not bad in the least.

I do wonder sometimes whether I'd've had children if school weren't compulsory.....

Being a SAHM can be tedious, a drain, a bore but then most paid jobs have their times like that too.

And getting a break now and then does work wonders for one's spirits. Nobody can be with anyone all the time. It does drive you crackers.....But it's not forever.

And once your first child starts full time school, time just seems to scoot by and then the next one starts and the next and then you'll have a lot more free time to do what you need.

That's the prospect I cling to anyway!

Of course its normal. Its like every other job inthe world - good days and bad days.

The job is more stressful at some times than at others. The longer you do it the more rational and smart you get about it.

I have been doing it 13 years now and pretty much got it sorted.

But being at home with children is normally charicatured as the grateful calling of an earth mother or a fucking doddle. So we are programmed to feel we should not complain and be grateful.
Which is bollocks. I worked, was a WOHM and then was a SAHM. Each has diffuculties. Being a wohm was fucking hard but peoples attitude was 'gosh, what a hard job, you are great'. When I became a sahm people became incredibly 'farking lucky lazy bint'

It is hard. Feel fed up occasionally but it gets easier

Morning everyone. Seeker - I really like that way of looking at it, although I would probably have been sacked by now for not really making an effort. I will try to view it that way and try and challenge myself.

Am having a morning all to myself this morning (lovely, lovely DH) and am spending it faffing about on the computer, rather than reading books and making things which is what I always think I want to do if I have free time (IYSWIM!!) so am off to sort myself out...

Thankyou so much for this talk thread. It has given me much solace, especially as snow feels like a cruel joke against SAHMs - why would we want all childcare closed for an extra week just after the crimbo marathon??? I am currently on maternity leave for a year. Have 3year old and 7 month old and feel I'm doing a really rubbish job. Gagging to go back to work part time, in fact. I get a sinking feeling in my core, sitting on the floor doing endless lego, sitting zombielike in front of CBeebies, failing at potty training. Both boys are really delightful and currently very loving towards each other (though I know this will change when junior starts to move), but it is such a small life and the weather closes off our usual jaunts like the park and swings, scootering, wandering round the shops. It's the guilt that gets me: feel I should be baking cupcakes or potato printing but then I can't be bothered because each activity only lasts for about ten minutes. When, oh when, will it get better??? Can anyone tell us?
Seriously, you are not alone...

Oh the guilt is a killer isn't it?

I 'should' be doing all these interesting things with DD but actually I can't get my arse in gear at all.

The only conclusion I've come to about being a SAHM that we have to be out doing stuff most of the time.

If we stay at home, it's ten times worse. Course it's a little tricky being out in this weather so I think we're all feeling it so much more this week, especially on the heels of xmas break too.

Move the guilt to the side. SAHMs in previous generations were mother goddesses who baked cup cakes and made jell-o because the damn children only popped in for lunch and to go to bed. Families were also bigger so sibblings used to take better care of each other.

The house was their solace, we don't have such privilege.

I was reading yesterday that many mums get depressed because they are constantly presented with the idea that life with children is all about love, affection and fun. A good part of it it is, no doubt about it. But according to the same material 1/3 of the mums do really enjoy parenting, the other 2/3 find it tedious, and frustrating with certain regularly, and from this last group, get badly affected by it.

The solution presented by the same book (The Lazy Husband ) was to involve the father more. Women's responsibilities have increased significantly over the years, and also parents are now faced with more demands over their children schooling (meaning children have to have more afterschool activities and parents are required to play a more active role in keeping up with school work). So, a mum on her own stand no chance, you get the man to help (by doing some of the home chores, taking care of the children or at least facilitating the money to buy the mum some rest).

I only started the book yesterday, but I'm already taken by it... a waste really, as I'm a single mum! (but carefully trying to avoid falling in the same trap!)