Am I bad if I crave time alone and find being a full time SAHM utterly tedious?

[bintofbohemia]

Is this fairly normal or am I a bad mother? Have been at home full time since DS1 was born 3 and a half years ago, and two children later am so over being a full time mum. Am not very good at it, and am ashamed to say I find it utterly boring. I jump at chances to be alone and fantasise about buggering off by myself for a weekend, and when I am with them I dont' think I'm doing a very good job. THey fight, they squabble, they don't listen and I find it so frustrating that I actually really don't want to do it anymore. Unfortunately what with the cost of childcare for two and difficulties in the job market I don't think that going back to work is an option, although I desperately wish it was.

I just feel so guilty, I should be enjoying it, I should be motivated to do educational and fun things with them, and I'm just not. Of course I love them, and bits of it are magic, but quite often they do my head in and I think I'm failing and trapped. I'm fairly intelligent and finding myself having to repeat myself incessantly and deal with the relentless demands just drives me to distraction. Do other people feel like this? It's the guilt that's the worst. I have no doubt if I went back to work I'd feel guilty about that too, but then maybe the pros would outweigh the cons?

I love being a SAHM but there are often times when I long for some peace and quiet and to be left alone instead of constantly being in demand for things. I don't have time to be bored so boredom doesn't come into it - in fact I would welcome enough time to get bored!
You're not a bad mother, just a mother who needs a bit of a break.
When I feel in need of some time to myself, if the dcs are at school and ds3 is happy playing something on his own then I retreat to the kitchen to bake (a pleasure for me) or just sit down with a magazine and grab a few indulgent minutes to myself.
The weather doesn't help as it's not easy to get out and about with lots of snow and ice and I for one don't want to spend everyday freezing my jigs off while the dcs run about chucking snowballs at me!
You say you fantasise about buggering off for the weekend - can't you do just that sometime? 3 friends and I go off for a weekend twice a year without dcs or dh/dps and it is something we look forward to and find very refreshing and on the really bad days we know it's there in the diary to look forward to!

I remember once walking past a wine bar in Richmond pushing the pushchair and feeling positively murderous with envy of all the people in high heels and LBDs without milk stains sitting at little tables with bottles of Chardonnay and dishes of olives If I could have laid my hands on a machine gun there would have been carnage, I promise you. It didn't mean I wasn't a good SAMH, or I didn't love my children - I was just grieving for my past life, which I loved.

You don't have to like all of it, it's Ok to hate some of it. and being good enough with flashes of brilliance is fine.

You are todally not mad. Agree with those who say try and factor in some time out.
For your sanity, and theirs.

Thankyou for this thread - its almost making me cry knowing there are other people out there in the same situation.

I'm a SAHM to a 3.5 and 19 month old DDs. Lovely as they are its made me feel totally useless and unemployable. With the snow this week its been a nightmare. Just get DD1 back off to preschool and it all stops again - and even worse we're housebound. Put that with DD2 cutting out her daytime sleep so she's really grumpy in the afternoons and a husband who works 12 hour days - well, I'm not having alot of fun at the moment.

Sad, but glad, that others feel just the same as I do.

I'm sure they'll grow up one day and then I'll feel guilty for feeling like this, but right now I can't see when they day will be.

I've got a 7yo dd, 2yo ds and 19 wk ds. Sometimes I think I literally can't stand it any more, one day I'll just explode - no that would take up too much energy, more like drip away in a dark corner somewhere. It's unbelievably hard, physically, mentally and emotionally, I feel so used up. When people say it gets easier I don't dare believe them. Dh sweet but fairly useless I need one of those electric cattle prods. Spend the few snatched seconds I have wishing I'd appreciated pre child years more.

Display, I am very much liking your idea of a weekend away with friends. I might just have to start planning something like that.

Schedule regular breaks. You need AT LEAST an hour a week of child-free, chore-free time to do something that's for your own benefit, no one else's ie one evening a week you leave your H in charge of bath/bedtime and go out with a friend, or to the gym, or the cinema, whatever.
The troublesome myth behind it all is the one about women not being quite 'people' but living through and for others - this is rubbish, everyone needs time to be themselves.

(YEs, I know it's harder for single mums, I am one, but a v lucky one with a very involved co-parent).

you fantasize about buggering off for a weekend

only a weekend ???????

I have work as a respite/solace/rest and i still dream of about a month away from them

I am coming through the other side now but I was feeling the tedium a few years ago. Ds1 is now nearly 7 and ds2 is nearly 4.

Ds1 is in school, bliss, and ds2 is in preschool every morning.

I get comments like "so what do you do every morning?" I say eat biscuits and watch TV. Depends who they are I actually get just over 2 hours every morning child free. I do an hour of housework and then have an hour for myself or go food shopping but it is in a large shopping mall so I can do lots of other things like go to a book shop. I also meet up with friends every week. We met on the school gates.

Dh is fab, does bed times, we share it or I do it alone or he does it alone. It is much easier now they are older and know the routine and what is expected of them.

I agree about weekends away. My best friend lives 100 mile away and every 3 months either she comes here (her children are teenagers) or I go there, on my own.

Secrets I will share, you can easily eat chocolate alone if you hide, or play hide and seek and send them off to hide and eat chocolate, gives you a few minutes anyway! Don't give a toss about what you think you should be doing (baking cakes, potato prints) take a bath when Dh is home and LOCK the door.

On a weekend make him take them out to the park so you get the house to yourself to do whatever you want, even a lie in!!!! If they stay in the house he is more likely to get you involved in stuff/ask questions.

I feel exactly the same as some of the other Mums on here. I have a DD1 (4 years old) and DTs (19 months). I was really looking forward to DD1 starting school this week after the Xmas holidays - for the first time in ages I thought I'd have an hour to myself when the twins have their daytime nap and then the snow came. I could have cried!!

I think my DH is overwhelmed by the twins - he doesn't seem to know how to relate to them, so I am left with the bulk of the childcare without much of a break. My Mum does come over sometimes to give me some free time though (which is bliss!!)

I think I also need something to stimulate my brain (if I've still got one!!). I used to roll my eyes at my Mum when she'd walk into a room and forget why she'd gone there and now I do exactly the same.

I just try to remember I'll only get this time with them once & I'm only human so can only do so much. I just hope I'm still employable by the time they're all in school!!

You are just normal as this thread shows. And I'm taking great comfort from it. I'm a WOHM and have just spent two days with mine due to snow and I am so happy to be back at work tomorrow, in spite of the horrendous journey I face. It's such hard work and a nightmare being stuck in with the snow.

Given how very hard it is, why is there such at best, disregard and at worst, (Xenia) contempt for what mothers do?

I think the 'contempt' if that's the right word, is reserved more for those who insist that it's either a woman's destiny or 'wonderful', when anyone with any sense (apart from that minority of people who are just naturally brilliant with children) knows that it's a maddening hard slog.

SolidGold - d'you mean you don't wake singing melodies akin to Mary Poppins as you wake up after a broken night to look forward to a day of nappies, packed lunch making, school runs, hoovering, more nappies, tidying up only to have it thrown all over the place, more food production, another nappy, more food, grumpy tired school-aged dcs moaning, crying, shouting, squealing (and that's just DH when he gets in and sees the chaos that has ensued.....???

Doozle - if you don't already do it, may I heartily recommend a weekend away with friends. It is amazing what a weekend, or even an hour on your own can produce in terms of radiance of cheek, lightness of mood and reduction of snarl!

Morning! This thread is still making me feel better so thank you. I'm still breastfeeding DS2 after nearly 17m and to be honest I'm even getting fed up about doing that. As soon as he's off though, so am I - weekend away sounds like a fantastic idea!

This thread made me feel a LOT better yesterday when I was stuck at home because of the snow with a toddler in a "no" phase and an adorable baby who nonetheless feeds a lot at night.

As a SAHM with a DH who works long hours, I rarely get a break. Essentially we only have each other and no family nearby to take care of the kids. As I'm bf a 4 month old I don't really expect long periods away from them but sometimes an hour or two would be nice.

I am going to take on board some of the good advice on this thread and actively apply it. I'm guilty of going weeks without any "me" time because I forget that I exist as an individual.

My new year's resolution is to make more time for my interests. DH will have to do more solo childcare at weekends but I remind myself he didn't marry me to be a drudge. Once I had a career and was elegant and stylish and had things to talk about, and presumably he would like to see more evidence of those things - as would I!

Anyway it's nice to see I'm not alone. I tell myself this "intense" parenting phase while both DCs are at home with me full time is a relatively short period in my life. In the meantime I can remain sane if I see other adults every single day and have some time off as well.

No other job would require you to be on-call 24/7. I actually find being a SAHM quite stressful - the constant juggling - yet it's viewed as the easy option, the "lucky" choice. In fact, financially, I couldn't cover childcare if I worked in my field.

Anyway, this is longer than I planned it to be!

Thanks for this thread! I too am a SAHM to my 4yo dd and have found it incredibly hard, tedious and some of the time so unrewarding. The love I feel for my child is unfaltering, but the craving of space and sanity sometimes is overwhelming - and I only have one and have had regular breaks right from when she was tiny . I hate to imagine how the last 4 years would have been for both me and also dd if I hadn't have had this time out - I am a better SAHM for it.

Having some guilt free space and time out is the best thing you can do to keep your sanity. I am revelling in a few hours to myself for the first time in a few weeks, after my darling FIL has trudged throught the snow to collect dd to take her back to his house to spend some quality time with her grandparents. I battled for 10 mins to get her into 2 pairs of socks, wellies, gloves (somebody please invent gloves which glide onto kids fingers) hat, scarf and coat but it was well worth it and I leapt about like an overexcited puppy dog when I saw her round the corner and disappear!! (Of course, "missing you already, sweetpea!" ).

The guilt thing has always bothered me - FIL commented that I looked ready for a break after witnessing me growling at dd through gritted teeth to put her hat back on for the 10th time. "Aw", he said to dd, "I think your mummy needs a break". Too bloody right! But I do feel guilty that he can see a chink in my armour, that I am not infallible and have been exposed to him in all my inadequate parenting glory. I feel like this everytime I ask for a babysitter - like I'm somehow not on top of things.

DH often comments how easy I have it and how he'd love to be at home with dd 24/7 and not have to go to work. Of course, he always makes these comments after a bit of quality dad/dd time has been spent at the local Tumbletots or whatvere it's called when dd has been putty in his hands as she's doing something fun that she's enjoying. Hmm, wonder if he'd have felt the same after being stuck at home with her for a week post swine flu like I was recently. That was a barrel of laughs

MIL raised a wonderful brood of 3 well behaved, bright, socially apt and respected children - she did a fab job with them and when she reminisces, makes it all sound so easy. I know she looks at me with slight disdain when dh has commented on the lack of a hot meal on his return from work or the tip of a house he has come back to. Maybe her 3 kept each other entertained while she played the dutiful housewife so effortlessly.

Being a SAHM is the hardest thing I've ever done - we can do without people sending us on guilt trips. All we can do is our best. We want the best for our kids by choosing to be at home with them - dosn't that count for something?

My Mum has come over to look after the kids today for the first time in a couple of weeks, so I am having a few moments to myself...although in the background all I can hear is squalling and fighting and tantrumming upstairs so I feel v.guilty. Think I will have to go and give a hand in a min...

can't imagine the luxury of a whole weekend away...

I said it yesterday, but I'll say it again - thanks so much for this thread! It is so good to hear others are in the same boat - with the snow just making it worse!

So much of what people have said rings true for me - the guilt, the feeling that you're not succeeding and that other people are judging you. Let's face it, a lot of them are. I know I used to look at SAHMs pre-DS and think they had an easy life.

Inspired by you all, I've asked DH for a couple of hours tomorrow - yes, I'll do some housework and some cooking, but I'll be in the house by myself and that's enough after this week!!

Now, I am going to work towards a weekend away - it feels like a pipe dream but you never know!

Laytonrocks, that's the thing isn't it? You don't mind doing some cooking or something just as long as you can do it alone and in peace!

Yes, Doozle - it's a strange but undeniable pleasure!!

It's funny isn't it, before you know it it'll be the teenage years & then we'll be begging them to give us 5 mins of their precious time!!

Perhaps this wasn't th thread to read seeing as i have just handed in my notice to be a stay at home mum
really excited about it.
DS is 3.6 and DD 15 months.
DS will start school in sept - so i don't feel i have much of him left but i think it will be a bit easier then.
we are going to be REALLY tight for money but i have been doing a course for ages and am planning to put DD in childcare a few hours a week when DS is at nursery (if i can find a childminder who'll do this) so i can finish the course and keep my brain active / have a few minutes to myself.
i think without this i will go mad.
DH does help when he is at home (works shifts so i don't get the long days on my own so much) but i seem to be the one 'in charge' dealing with stuff as it arises, have to ask him to look after them for me (which is a bit silly they're his too).

Do you all think i need to get the house a bit tidier when i become a full time SAHM?
How? (have been using working as an excuse for not vacuuming for hmmm a week or two )

Concordia - personally, no. People often expect SAHMs to have clean and tidy houses and produce endless arrays of home-cooked food. But if you're a SAHM, it means you prob have at least one baby/toddler about the house - if not more - therefore it's practically impossible!!