Am I bad if I crave time alone and find being a full time SAHM utterly tedious?

[bintofbohemia]

Is this fairly normal or am I a bad mother? Have been at home full time since DS1 was born 3 and a half years ago, and two children later am so over being a full time mum. Am not very good at it, and am ashamed to say I find it utterly boring. I jump at chances to be alone and fantasise about buggering off by myself for a weekend, and when I am with them I dont' think I'm doing a very good job. THey fight, they squabble, they don't listen and I find it so frustrating that I actually really don't want to do it anymore. Unfortunately what with the cost of childcare for two and difficulties in the job market I don't think that going back to work is an option, although I desperately wish it was.

I just feel so guilty, I should be enjoying it, I should be motivated to do educational and fun things with them, and I'm just not. Of course I love them, and bits of it are magic, but quite often they do my head in and I think I'm failing and trapped. I'm fairly intelligent and finding myself having to repeat myself incessantly and deal with the relentless demands just drives me to distraction. Do other people feel like this? It's the guilt that's the worst. I have no doubt if I went back to work I'd feel guilty about that too, but then maybe the pros would outweigh the cons?

Thanks Layton i'm really excited about my new 'job' but a tad worried as i think people might expect me to be housewifely when i really just want to play with the kids
or have time to myself, as the thread says

Very glad to read this thread!

I'll be 27 soon and have a 15mth DS. My career never even got started before I fell pregnant and I was glad to leave my job as I was starting to hate it but being a SAHM has been so much harder than I thought!

My family are all SAHMs and so they expect me to do what they did, i.e. work myself silly for an immaculate home, cook and bake and do absolutely everything for my DH and DS. I found myself going crazy pretty quickly. DH encouraged me to study because he knew I loved it and so I am doing a degree with the OU, primarily to have some brain food.

Still, I feel guilty pretty much all the time. Guilty because the dishes aren't done (we've just bought our first house and have no dishwasher anymore), because the laundry has piled up (no tumble dryer either), DH does most of the cooking (I never learned how to cook and am only learning now) and I LOATHE mum & baby groups (great for DS but I hate them)

Now that it's snowing (again!), I'm reluctant to take DS out. We live in a hilly area and buggies just are not designed to plow through snow and ice. Every time I have to say to DH "Oh, no I don't think I'm going to take DS out in this...", he gives me a look that makes me feel guilty I don't think he does it on purpose, he's just an all weather bod who would consider it a challenge to get DS through the snow!

sigh - I'm really glad to know I'm not the only one...

Concordia - don't worry about keeping a spotless house, otherwise you'll probably drive yourself silly cleaning up after your lo all the time. My house mostly looks like a bombs gone off. I just find I don't have the time/energy to have the 'perfect' home.

Squitten I'm the same as you - I find it impossible to get out in the snow & ice with the twins. I had to drag them up to DD1's school at the beginning of the week & was shattered (& bad tempered) by the time I got them all home.

I haven't manage to read all of the thread as my 3 year old won't let me, but I have got the gist!

I'm on maternity leave following the birth of my 9 month old. I'm due back in April and really don't want to go back. Generally, I find SAHMdom fine and dandy but some days are hell. I'm not convinced that I want to go back to work but will do in order to make a decision. After all, I may love work when I get back!

I'm in a different position as DH as set up a business and I will work there on a very flexible basis if I do leave work.

I find it a lot easier to cope if I can get out every day and make time for my own exercise. If I get that then I can normally devote to worthy activities to entertain the troops.

My house, however, is as messy as ever.

Ladies - congrats on doing the hardest job on earth. I was a SAHM and worked from home when my dd was little. She is now 14 and, believe me, the day comes when they don't need you and it is quite a shock. Sometimes I still don't know what has hit me - it almost hurts that they don't need you as much. When she was little I could never imagine that ever happening. And now it has! I'd say, try and make the most of the good times because it is all so fleeting and then comes the day when they hardly want to talk to you. Talk about feast and famine!

I think you are doing a great job battling against the weather and being inside all the time, which makes it all a lot harder. All the best to you all.

i love being a SAHM..... but only cause my dc are out the house for 4 hours every morning!!!!! i can cope with them happily the rest of the day cause i have that time to do the rest of the jobs and to get some "ME" time"!

on weekends i'm not such a great mum - i could sometimes give them away by 3pm!!

Dont be so hard on yourself - it is a really hard job having dc with you 24/7. I agree with the others - you need some time to yourself at least once a week! a course is a great plan cause you dont want to miss it!

Fantastic - we should be saying this so much more often and much more loudly. As a mother and psychotherapist I have come to think that there is something very wrong with the belief that mothers must be delighted to spend 24/7 with their kids and if they have a need or thought of wanting a life, time, an identity of their own that is just them, not as someone's mother or wife/partner there is something wrong with them. Fathers do not have that pressure. A father is still himself, a man in his own right. It is time we rejected the belief that mothers are all and only mothers and no longer women in their own right. I wrote about this in my book "The Silent Female Scream" www.thesilentfemalescream.com. I am writing another book at the moment because it is time to expose the generations old beliefs and expectations about mothering that are creating huge amounts of unneccessary guilt. Beliefs that are stopping mothers from feeling fully entitled to have a life outside of mothering. We talk a lot about what our kids need in order to feel nurtured, but not a lot about what a mother needs to create a life that nurtures her. Somehow that is a taboo subject! It is time we readdressed the balance. It is wonderful to read that women are reacting and speaking up. Go for it girls - have that time and as much of it as you can get!!

Good lord you're not a bad mother! Some people love being SAHMs, some don't. The same way some love working in sales, or being dentists (just thinking of other professions which I'd rather gnaw my own arm off than do myself). It's just human nature.

I went absolutely stir crazy being a SAHM, and wasn't a good mum while I was doing it. I'm not good at thinking up stuff to do or playing with them all the time. What I'd really like to is work part time, sadly I could only find a full-time job but it's still a million times better than being at home!

But, I'm sad to report, you'll feel guilty whether you work or stay at home. Guilt is an inbuilt part of motherhood - you'll never get it completely right and always feel guilty about something!