looming domestic apocalypse

[whirlwindwendy]

Hi
First time on Mumsnet - hope somebody out there can advise. I feel like I'm at breaking point.
DD (13 in 3 weeks) in constant conflict with DH - her stepfather - and me. DH has been on scene since DD was 5. Conflict is escalating.
Also have another DD (4) and two DS (15 and 2) - we are all fed up with the shouting.
DD said that I was a 'fat ugly bastard' yesterday. She calls DH (amongst other things) 'weirdo', 'paedo', 'loser', 'saddo'. She also has temper outbursts during which she has smashed up her football trophies, ripped up her posters and carved 'I hate you all' into her wall.
At school, however, DD is an angel. We have had great reports from teachers and her grades are super.
We live quite far from her school, we do offer to take her to friends/have them round but she refuses. She just sits at home and has no contact with anybody at weekends (save from her father, who she sees every Saturday) or during the school holidays.

To exacerbate things further, DH takes his angst out on me, DD takes her angst out on me, and XH also puts his opinion forward (it's my fault). I work full time as a teacher (ironically with teenagers) and suffer from systemic Lupus. At the moment, I can't see a way through it all. I can't seem to make DD happy and everybody is suffering.
Any ideas?

Is there any legitimate reason for all her anger? Just wondering if there's something you don't know about that's upsetting her.

Any rejection of your DP because she feels conflicted between him and her real Dad? Would it help her to talk to a school counsellor, or other professional?

Seems unusual she doesn't want to socialise with friends outside school. What's the story there?

Could just be a teenage "phase". Is she acting out hormonally etc because her family is a safe place to do this in?

Thanks - yes I think that she does feel 'safe' enough to vent her spleen at home; her father is authoritarian and she doesn't squeak in his presence (so DS tells me).
I've tried school; there isn't a terribly good pastoral support system there but they are finally getting involved though. However, major, major repurcussions at home on the evening of the first counselling session/approach at school. Didn't go down well.
Just wish she'd talk. Tentative moves made on my part end in her telling me to 'piss off'.
The joys of being a parent!

Hope someone will be along to give you some good advice.

If she's venting at home I would make it feel even "safer" by giving her some firm boundaries re how she talks you all. Personal abuse is not on, IMO.

Best of luck.

No activities with peers at weekends? No contact with friends? Does she have any close friends? What is going on at school aside from the grades? Not having a social life or any contact even by phone at weekends, and seemingly disinclined to make contact or do anything other than sit at home being miserable might be a sign of depression, so too might be the persistent sullenness, hostility and angry outbursts.

Sorry all of this is being dumped on you. Keep at her. The hardest part is at the beginning when someone doesn't feel right about talking and resents having their little cocoon shaken up even if it's sorely needed. Any chance of renegotiating her visitation with her father. That sounds like an unsatisfactory situation.

i acted like this when iwas 14, not so much the swearing but the withdrwan cant be bothered attitude and no social activities. i was diagnosed depressed a year later. i can only tell you how it was for me and i really hope its not the case for your dd.
my mum struggled with my behaviour but although i threw everything back in her face, i did really need to hear i was loved and not just once. do you get any 1 to 1 time with her?
i think the situation with her father needs to be sorted. your dh needs to be involved too as he is an influence on her. no 1 should bad mouth each other, you should all stay strong. you xh needs to back up your dh in front of dd too. she needs to see you're united.