"I can't go to the loo without someone winging."
Put him in his cot for 5 minutes with toys and take the monitor into the loo but put it on mute so you can just see the colour bars. He will not explode without you for 5 minutes.
"I can't listen to my ipod without someone winging".
Turn it up
"I can't read a book in peace.
Does he not nap? Or sleep in t"he evening?
"i am always worried about safety."
Stop.
"My breasts aren't my own."
Sorry nothing to suggest about that one.
"I am so over co-sleeping as I am not sleeping well."
Well start to transfer to cot.
"The house is a tip."
Well mine was a tip before DC so nothing to suggest there either. I do put him in front of the TV first thing in the morning and try and do a 10 minute blitz so it looks vaguely presentable but it's odds on I will use that time to MN as well.
"I can't go to the pub and meet new guys."
This is over-rated. Honestly.
"I'm skint."
Nothing to sell on ebay?
"I just have no life."
I think you are just having a down 10 minutes. Go back to toddler groups, I just trawled thru them until I found one where I clicked with the other people. Compile a list of places you can go with DC so if you are feeling down you don't need to think where to go just look at your list and pick one.
Investigate courses you can do in the evening to keep your brain ticking over and to think about during the day. Download podcasts which you think are funny/interesting you soon get to learn how to listen to an ipod WHILST reading a story to DC!