What really absurd things have you said to your DCs?

[Gumbo]

The other day we had the neighbour's son over for dinner - which included broccoli. A surreal converation ensued...

Neighbour's child: "I don't like broccoli". Pushes it to the side of his plate.
DS (wolfing down his own dinner) "Can I have some?" Without waiting for an answer, leans over and grabs a bit off the plate.
Me: "Just a bit, then."
DS grabs some more, then more.
Me: "No - that's enough - stop it!"
DH (looking at me incredulously) "Would you just listen to yourself!!! You're telling our child to stop eating so much broccoli!"

In my defence, DS is rather greedy and will eat anyone's food given half a chance....

Please tell me I'm not the only one who says utterly ridiculous things to my child?

oh yes I've caught myself telling ds to eat less veg a few times

the joint winners today were, "no, you may not press telephone buttons with your penis", and "stop trying to fit that drinking straw over the end of your penis." Things I never thought I'd hear myself say

LOL - I see a bit of a theme in your house!

I told DD 3.5 to stop being so obstreperous which recieved a well-deserved blank look.

Don't be childish. She was 5.

lol phdlife - one of the most uttered phrases in this house is 'it really shouldn't stretch that far'.

I found myself saying 'I'm sure no-one will notice that hole in Jesus' hand' earlier today (DS1 had given the papermache doll in the nativity play a bit of a stigmata during the dress rehearsal).

"Yes DD, I will be the baby Jesus today"

"Don't worry, my invisible pet shark will protect you from the dinosaurs"

This is just a couple that I remember from this afternoon.

My children are walking Dali's.

"If a monster comes out of the tap I will get it and kill it then flush it away".

"Put those down right now they are scarves not weapons" .

I spend most of my days trying to tell DS1 that my dog Rocky doesnt sit at the table with us (btw Rocky would sit on a chair and eat off a plate if given the chance), no Rocky doesn't like to watch CBeebies, no Rocky doesn't need shoes/coat/hat.

DS2 is a different kettle of fish. He was pulling his willy in the bath last night and screaming it was hurting. DH was telling to "let go" but he was just pulling it harder.

Am unable to think of any other specific examples but we do regularly think that we can't believe some of the things we say to DC

I told ds1 (studying psychology) this morning that no ,im not a type A personality im just stressed out cant seem to do anything right and think if things carry on I will have a nervous breakdown.......

not as funny as the penis and the telephone tho lmao

"wait two seconds I will be with you in a minute!"

'Would you just stop kicking that trolley right now or I'm taking you straight home'

As I was in the middle of a stressful grocery shop.

Only problem was it wasn't my child. Cue a wobbly lip from a strange toddler and the iciest glare ever from his mother. oops.

smooth! That's a classic.

SmoothCriminal, that's brilliant! (You're lucky the child's mother didn't hurridly take you up on your threat offer!)

Frequently to dd - "ds is not a chair."

I predict a turn of events shortly though as ds is big and dd is petite (but older) and the 20 month age difference is becoming less noticeable.

Arizona - we seem to have dinosaurs following us everywhere as well?!

Smooth