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Parenting

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Original poster

How long do you stay mad with your 3 year old for

22 replies

janjas · 28/09/2009 12:59

When I picked my 3 year old up from pre-school this morning, she went into meltdown because I didn't change her book. I said I would do it tomorrow morning when we had more time to choose one. Well, she flung herself on the floor, screaming, crying, kicking out, whilst all the other parents and children climbed over her to get out of the door! Even the teachers looked at us as if to say "get a grip"! I was mortified. Her tantrums are horrendous at the moment, but I can usually control or at least distract them in public. Not today though, it went on for about 10 mins. I am so angry with her because she knows that its wrong. It happened about an hour ago and I can't bring myself to talk to her yet! Is that wrong? I am going to sit her down in a minute to explain how wrong it was to tantrum like that at school, but I'm still so mad! HOw long do you give your children the silent treatment for? She already seems to have forgotten about it and is sat reading a book and trying to start conversations with me!

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andgodcreatedwoman · 28/09/2009 13:01

I feel your pain, but I think this is one of those times where we have to remember they are still tiny.
I do lose it and my eldest dd has mega screaming fits, but as soon as they're over I talk to her and we have a cuddle and it's finished with.

crokky · 28/09/2009 13:02

I don't give my 3yo the silent treatment ever. If he really upsets me, I do shout to convey to him immediately that what he's done isn't acceptable. I know shouting is not model parenting, but it does seem to work when needed

I think with a 3yo, they need to be told at the time if there is a problem - you can't leave it because they will not associate your "punishment" with their "crime".

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 28/09/2009 13:03

Give her the silent treatment? At three? I wouldn't do that passive aggressive shit to my 12-year-old let alone a three year old. Reprimand her at the time and move on. She has and you need to.

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haventsleptforayear · 28/09/2009 13:04

I think an hour is too long tbh.

But I know how you feel and have been tempted to do the same myself.

Have you tried the "how to talk" books? here

It's not too early to start with their 'techniques'...

moopymoo · 28/09/2009 13:04

I would never ever give a 3yr old 'the silent treatment.' Is it her thats 3 or you? Are you really sulking with your child? Im only half serious, my ds has full on tantrums sometimes too, but its not being naughty - its being overwhelmed by their emotions. They need help dealing with this, not ignoring!

llareggub · 28/09/2009 13:05

I don't do the silent treatment. I calm down the tantrum, use stern voice, then when over have a nice cuddle.

My mother used to, and still does, give me the silent treatment and I hate it. It feels more like a rejection, like her love is conditional and I feel our relationship has suffered as a result.

MmeLindt · 28/09/2009 13:06

Sorry, but I do agree with the other posters that giving a 3yo the silent treatment is wrong.

She has no idea of why you are withdrawing your attention.

And a screaming tantrum is absolutely normal at 3yo.

Go give her a cuddle and do not mention her tantrum again.

Lizzylou · 28/09/2009 13:14

We don't do sulking here, me or my DC.

She is 3, explain why you were upset immediately she has calmed down, she probably won't even remember what happened or why you're ignoring her now!

I do understand how mortifying it is, DS2 had a humdinger outside the school gates during DS1's school pick up. T'was lovely, very special. Am sure that the teachers are already getting worried about DS2 starting next September.

PinkTulips · 28/09/2009 13:16

oh ffs, grow up!

no wonder she doesn't know how to behave appropriately if you're as childish as she is.

it's far too late now to explain to her, 3 year old have brains ike sieves, the poor mite doesn't have a clue why mommy isn't talking to her.

either tell her at the time or don't tell her at all but for the love of god learn to be the adult in the relationship

gingertoo · 28/09/2009 13:22

I really understand how you're feeling. It's exhausting when they tantrum and so hard to deal with but giving your child the 'silent treatment' will not help matters.
Deal with things when they happen then move on. Give her a cuddle. Can you imagine how she must be feeling when she's trying to talk to the person she loves most (you!) and you are ignoring her?

Also, why not try and look at what is causing the tantrums. In the 10 mins that she spent having a tantrum, she could have changed her book maybe?
Try and look at things from her point of view. She's not throwing a tantrum just to upset you - she's reacting like that because she feels upset and frustrated about something.

Knickers0nmahead · 28/09/2009 13:25

I ignore dd if she is playing up but would never give the silent treatment like this.

Give her a huge and say sorry and play with her.

Next time it happens tell her you are upset at her behaviour and talk to her about it.

Original poster

janjas · 28/09/2009 13:35

Whoa please stop being so aggressive with me! I only came on for a bit of advice! Also I didn't actually say that I WAS giving her the "silent treatment", I just meant that I was so upset and still a bit mad with the situation. We had already sat and had lunch together and talked about her morning. Thankyou for the ones who genuinely wanted to give me some advice, but the rest of you scare me! Thats the last time I come on here asking for help.

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OmniDroid · 28/09/2009 13:39

I know where you are coming from. My 3 year old DS can have some major tantrums, and I have to fight with myself NOT to withdraw from him for an hour or so afterwards. I agree that it's not something I should do, and I do try not to, but I stay mad for some time and have to try very hard to put it behind me. I try to be honest with him - he tells me 'that's not kind', and I agree and we try to work out what we can do next that is some fun.

llareggub · 28/09/2009 13:42

Well, I just answered your questions. You've been a member here for long enough to know how threads can go. You specifically asked: "how long do you give your children the silent treatment for" and posters responded to your question.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 28/09/2009 13:51

If you don't like the answers, don't ask the question. Your response specifically contradicts what you said in your OP.

How is anyone supposed to believe you weren't giving her the silent treatment when you say that you haven't spoken to her for an hour beause you are "still so mad" and she is "trying to start conversations" to which you haven't responded.

smallone · 28/09/2009 13:55

If you need time to calm down, take as long as you need. Far better to say nothing to your dd than to say something you'd regret. It maybe too late to address this particular tantrum now, but you could decide what to do with the next one. Or talk to her about how you expect her to behave.

No point in staying mad for too long, its water under the bridge, like you say she's over it now, so you may aswell make the most of the afternoon.

MmeLindt · 28/09/2009 13:56

I am sorry that you feel that we have been aggressive but you are the one who mentioned the fact that you have been unable to speak to her for an hour and asked if that is wrong.

I really don't think that oyu realise that your 3yo has already forgotten her tantrum. In fact she forgot about it 3 mins after it happened. If you mention it now she will be completely flummoxed.

I use that as a rule of thumb, tbh. How old the child is = how long the time out should be. So 3 mins for a 3yo.

pigsinmud · 28/09/2009 14:07

Have to say I thought some replies were aggressive. OP only wanted an answer some opinions so didn't need to be shouted at.

I think you need to forget tantrums as soon as your 3 year old has calmed down. My dc4 does public tantrums so I feel your pain. The other 3 hardly ever threw wobblies and never in public!

Also, if your reaction is out of order - like shouting becasue I personally don't feel that's an in control reaction - then apologise when you've calmed down. the other day I was getting very stressed with my 2 squabbling girls (5 & 3) and was trying to get them in the bath, I lost my cool when dc4 shrieked very loudly - I shouted, walked out the room slamming the door. I waited a couple of minutes, went back in, apologised for shouting and explained why I'd lost my temper.

cory · 28/09/2009 21:03

The thing that strikes me is that you say in your OP that you are so angry with your dd "because she knows that tantrum is wrong." Really this seems totally unrealistic to me: a 3yo doesn't know that it's wrong in a sense that an older person does and they haven't got the impulse control to stop if they did. That would make sense if said about a much older child, but not about a 3yo. It is a normal, if embarrassing way, for a young child to express emotions. It doesn't become naughty until they are a bit older.

It's as if you burst into tears during an argument with your dh and he said he found it hard to forgive you "because you knew it was wrong".

What you mean is that you are angry because it embarrassed you. As no doubt your dh would be embarrassed if you burst into tears in a public place. Doesn't make it morally wrong.

pania · 28/09/2009 21:11

Absolutely agree with Cory.

applepudding · 28/09/2009 21:16

I find it hard to stay angry at my extremely-annoying DH for that long! I confess that if I've been angry with my DS and shouted at him I calm down immediately afterwards and feel very guilty, particularly if he is crying. I would normally give him a cuddle, apologise for shouting and add 'but mummy is cross because ...' then repeat calmly why I was cross. Then forget it.

thesouthsbelle · 28/09/2009 21:19

NEVER! def not.

DS knows i'm displeased with his behaviour. He knows that I may shout at him (as did today when he ran out infront of a car in the car park running off) but I never give him the silent treatment.

the shouting bit is done dusted and then forgotten - we have a cuddle he says sorry I say sorry and we're friends.

(only read the OP btw)

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