If you want another baby but DH doesn't...

[lechatnoir]

....how/when do you come to an agreement that doesn't leave one of you feel bitter?

We have 2 DS (3.5 & 3 mths) and I definitely want another one and preferably sooner rather than later but DH will not even discuss the possibility of having a 3rd child. He is one of 3 and thinks it's an 'odd' number and is happy with our 2 boys - as far as he's concerned our family is complete but IMO it's most definitely not.

What did/will you do if this happens?
LCN

I haven't got a clue, but thought I would post in sympathy... we have had three children, out first daughter died at just over two from a rare syndrome she was born with.

I have since had a DS (aged 2) and a DD (aged 6 months).

I would love another, but my DH disagrees, although he says he'd go again for my sakes - but this isn't the same as wholly wanting another baby.

I would leave it for now, it has only been 3 months! my dh was exactly the same. We have 2 ds's 3.10 and 13months and at the beginning he was saying absolutely no but at least now he is saying possibly and is willing to at least talk about it.

Get a dog.

DH is the same, absolutely adamant that 2 is enough. TBH now they are 4 and 2 I've got beyond the broody stage of really wanting another baby, but I can't say it hasn't left me feeling a little bitter.

I felt like this after I had my two. But I have to say, now I've got to the point where both of them are over one and are actually turning into little people, I'm quite glad to have the baby stage over. So you may actually change your mind yourself.

Of course, if he really doesn't want anymore, it is your husband's responsibility to have the snip, not to expect you to control your own fertility!

My husband was exactly the same and had the snip in June. We have two dds - 4.6 and 13 months and I had a m/c in between. I don't have easy pregnancies and hubby just gets anxious throughout. I would still love another but on balance, agree that it was right to stop - plus I'm not getting any younger.

I agree with a previous poster - your youngest is only 3 months - maybe leave it for a while until the whole sleepless nights thing is over. He may then change his mind.

Thanks for your thoughts. I realise of course that he could change his mind but he's always been vocal in his desire for just 2 & is very stubborn so unlikely . TBH I was rather counting on the fact that I would have changed my mind as I hate being pregnant & find newborn stage very tough, but DS2 has been such a dream & my labour was pretty easy so it's only fueled my desire for another!!!

LCN

I understand exactly how you feel. My dd is 21 months and dh and I always talked about having 2. A couple weeks ago he told me he was done having children and dd would be an only child. I went from furious, to sad, to frustrated and back again. I hope you're able to work through it with your dh.

i bribed him with a playstation 3

Not really, we had several tearful and angry conversations where i did my best to explain the gnawing ache that the need for another child created in me and he gave all his reasons for not wanting another; he was a middle of three and hated it so didn't want to force ds1 into that role, he felt we'd been lucky to have 2 healthy babies and a third was taking an unecessary chance, we were just getting close to being free of the baby stage and getting some normality back and a new baby would be a step back, another baby would be another two years before i could realistically go back to full time work and obviously the cost of a third.

We discussed all these issues and i also had some arguements as to why two just wasn't right for me.

I made sure to make a point of leaving the decision up to him and suddenly one day he turned to me and said 'I hope you're taking folic acid then if we're going to try for another'

ds2 is 7 months old and i now feel complete, after ds1 i always hoped for an 'accident' but this time i really feel no urge to ever be pregnant again (much to dp's relief )

by the way, the gap betwen ds1 & 2 is 2.5 years so you might need to give it a while before he comes around to the idea

Thanks

mrsjammi that is what I'm afraid of - resenting him for not agreeing but forcing the decision so he finally 'gives in' & then he resent me or child. There is also of course the possibility that there are problems and I think it would be hard for him not to blame me for forcing the decision etc.

Stupidly, I'd secretly got quite excited about having another one quite soon (short term pain & all that!) & I'm just peed off that things aren't going to plan & I am a bit of an obsessive planner
Thanks again for all your experiences & wise words.
LCN

Of course you're right - we're both only 34 and DS2 just 3 months so no reason at all not to reassess in 1,2 or even 5 years time....I just feel the longer we leave it the less likely DH will consider it as he certainly 'prefers' (for want of a better expression!) fatherhood as the children grown up & can't wait to take the boys skiing, sailing, to Disney etc etc

I'll just have to wait & then hope I guess.
LCN