I am really really fighting against the urge to leave

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

This was last night

This morning 8 year old answered me back and was rude every time he spoke to me. I asked him not to do something and he immediately did and then back chatted when I said about it, finishing off with sticking his leg out to trip up his sister on her scooter.

He has refused to speak to me whenever I have talked to him on the way to school, pulled away when I said bye, complained about me seeing his sister to the door and also said he wants to live somewhere else.

I know I am doing everything wrong and have no idea what to do as I was brought up in foster care and all my instincts have been squashed with just wanting my kids to have a better life than I did.

DH asked if he could get an au pair as we need help with the kids but we can't afford it, I don't see how it would help unless I could get an older lady who would be like a mother figure to me too; and they would behave for her and not be anyway.

I am so that I am expecting my kids to just get how I am and help me.

it is a rare child that does not misbehave

most children will do something naughty/cheeky etc that pushes the boundaries, but it is not the end of the world

my childrne can be cheeky/feisty/argumentative, but at the end of the day, the are inherently good children , they are fun, tehy have spirit and personality and they are great to be around

and is all you can ask for!!

i'd be worried if they were totally passive, never questioned things, did not push things, did not spark off each other and fight their corners

Well, I was a rare child then. I quite probably misbehaved once as I remember the beating I got. I never did again.

Flash points are usually when we ask him to tidy his room, put something away, do his homework, do anything to help.

And I get that my kids have personality and I love that they must be so secure that they behave in a way I don't like, but just once it would be nice to have them not answer back.

i was not saying that as a criticism, i was saying it as something that is unusual.

when your children are naughty , you don't beat them, do you? you are concerned enough to post for help to make sure you are doing things right, you worry that you are not doing the best for them..

those things positively mean you are not going to be parenting the same as the people who brought you up

you are parenting in a good , positive way, but the stress of worrying about it and not udnerstandting what is normal and ok is making this an unpleasant time for you

yes it would be nice, but it might not happen, so you have to take a deep breath and try not to rise to it

i notice with DS, the crosser i get, the loudefr i get, the more he does it, and taking a deep breath and walking away, or not repeating myself at a rising volume makes a massive difference

Well then, quite frankly I would go ape shit (and have done so)

My eldest DS has also gone through periods like this when he refuses to do anything/take responsibilty for anything.

So yes, I hit the roof big time because that is not acceptable. Once I calm down - we talk and then we lay down the ground rules (again!)

There are 4 people living in your household (plus the guinea pigs!) so there is no way it is acceptable for only two people (ie you and DP) to be doing the lions share of the work.

Even the little one should be expected to handle some responsibilies.

So there you go, yelling and loosing ones temper with a child is not ideal and I certainly don't want to give the impression to you that this is the only way I react. But I am a human being and the kids need to understand that (a) we are not perfect and (b) they can only ouh us so far etc

True.

I also remember trying to be quiet and very good in the hope that someone would notice me/not notice me and I have always felt like I want to move whenever I am unhappy as that is what happened as a child. Dawned on me in therapy that is is the complete opposite. Where I was happy my mother caused so much trouble I had to be moved; where I was unhappy she didn't come near...

I think that there are really strong issues arising from your childhood.

I don't know how, but you need to try as hard as possible to seperate your experience as a child and your abilities as a mother because they are actually two entirely different things (despite what you may think)

I know/have worked with people who had perfectly normal, caring childhood but who still grew up to be complete selfish arrogant twats. Similarly, I know people who have had a very hard/sad tme growing up who have turned out to be OK and to confidently parent their own children.

I must say that you are very hard on yourself.

What do you think others feel about your parenting. Your DH? Friends? DH's parents?

DH thinks I am doing brilliantly.
My only friends are 2 old school friends who live 100s of miles away but they think I am doing okay. I wonder if they all think Considering? But they understand why I am the way I am.
Dh's mum thinks I am a good mum but I don't think she understands all I went through and they don't understand depression at all.

It was unbelievably hard to type that as I can't accept I am a good mum though rationally I know I am better than mine as at least I am here with them.

I just heard him say "2o minutes on my bike then back to homework."

.

A large glass of red I raise to you Fabmummyisback!!

There are so many reasons why you are a good mum Fab - to many to count - and NOT just the fact that you are still here with your children.

We all have ghosts and skeltons in the closet. I had some very traumatic experiences in my own childhood and yes I have struggled over and over and over again with these issues. Like you - I have suffered from depression and the whole works.

Do you want to know what happened then? I got seriously bored of trying to figure it all out and couldn't be arsed anymore to ask 'why me' or 'what did I do wrong' Totally fucking bored and uninterested.

I decided to be very selfish and turn my back on all that and the realised that I actually had quite a bit of growing up to do.

I am still not a perfect mum and my kids are not perfect kids but I go easy on myself because I am doing my best and it is more than good enough.

At some point (I don't know how) but you are going to have to put this behind you and move on.

Betty - how do I do it?

Oh God, have I become the sum total of my childhood?

The credit is all your fab mummy.

I think it is not just your ds that has some homework to do tonight.

100 lines now please in your neatest handwriting......

I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!

I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!

Fab - I honestly don't know how to advise you on that. It must be a different process for each person.

Just decide at some point that you are going to walk away from it and truly move on.

I did start my own business actually and this has helped to channel my energies. Infact I am a killer businewomen (which helps!). Friends who knew the old me (insecure, needy, lacking in self esteem) actually don't necessary like the new me (confident, mildly opinionated) but ah well

I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!
I am a good enough mummy - so there!

Hurrah

I probably have too much time in the house and alone and would always avoid doing anything that means talking to someone I don't know.

I would love to bake for a living.

I am wondering if I repeat 'i do not have a fat saggy arse' 100 times - it will eventually come true

Now I DO have a good arse but a terrible stomach area.

Fab - quite a lot of my business is done face to face (various training bits and bobs) but much of it is done on the phone or via email which even I find easier.

I am not a full on social butterfly by any means.

What about cupcakes? - are you creative? Or just pinch someone elses ideas and do it better

A cup cake mail order company - perfect for you!

Do have some pennies set aside for a small start up business Fab?

God the thought of cupcakes is making me hungry!

I would so love to just bake things all day long and send them out to people.

I am a really good baker.

I wouldn't know where to start to set up a business.

No money atm.