I am really really fighting against the urge to leave

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

This was last night

This morning 8 year old answered me back and was rude every time he spoke to me. I asked him not to do something and he immediately did and then back chatted when I said about it, finishing off with sticking his leg out to trip up his sister on her scooter.

He has refused to speak to me whenever I have talked to him on the way to school, pulled away when I said bye, complained about me seeing his sister to the door and also said he wants to live somewhere else.

I know I am doing everything wrong and have no idea what to do as I was brought up in foster care and all my instincts have been squashed with just wanting my kids to have a better life than I did.

DH asked if he could get an au pair as we need help with the kids but we can't afford it, I don't see how it would help unless I could get an older lady who would be like a mother figure to me too; and they would behave for her and not be anyway.

I am so that I am expecting my kids to just get how I am and help me.

If only I could take your post, fsal, as a sign that my kids are normal.

They are angels at school - the teachers love them.

Your kids are normal Fab. And they will have happy memories. Honestly. This is all normal. I remember telling my Dad i hated him. I remember him blowing his top with my loads of times. I still love him. And I have happy memories of my childhood. It wasn't perfect by a long shot but I have happy memories.

I think your childhood was so abnormal that as you say you have a skewed idea of what normal is. It is NOT the Waltons! It is fighting and cheek and yelling and slamming doors sometimes. And wondering why the hell we had kids!

I think you expect perfect behaviour. And you are never going to get it. Because your DCs are not perfect. NOBODY is. And NOBODY had a perfect childhood. Just as well really as it wouldn't exactly prepare us for real life now would it??!!

I disagree that I expect perfect behaviour. I would be happy with a day of no fighting and arguing, even an hour or two would be good.

Being a mum hasn't turned out as I thought it would and more than that, I haven't turned out to be the mum I thought I would be.

It is just so exhausting.

Fab, do you think that maybe you are trying too hard? Given the circumstances of your past, that would not be at all surprising

Honestly though, the descriptions of your childrens behaviour sound very very normal.

I would be slightly concerned about your sons rudeness towards you but maybe then again, it perfectly normal for children to try and push the boundaries. Just remind him of the boundaries and calmly explain it is not acceptable for him to talk to you in that way.

It may be that as the eldest, he is picking up on your insecurities and feeling as if he has to shoulder some of the responsibilty?

You don't have to be a perfect mum and your children do not have to have a perfect childhood. It must be really hard for you though so do keep talking it through with us on here and good luck!

I expect I do try too hard.

FGS I feel a failure sometimes if I serve them stuff from the freezer .

New start when I pick him up and I will try and stay calm and ignore him if he back chats other than to say that isn't acceptable to talk to me like that.

Yes and it's ok to let him off the small things [most things actually]and laugh about stuff too~
don't mean that to sound patronising at all btw, I just remember how deadly seriously I used to take everything with ds1 !

Fab - your DS expects you (and needs you) to behave like a mum.

By definition this means a whole combination of things - firm, kind, grown up, funny, caring, thoughful, selfless etc etc BUT it also often means shouty, stressy, narky, grumpy, short tempered etec etc.

It is interesting that you said in an earlier post that you were a good nanny. You just sound as if your confidence could do with a boost with regards to your mummy skills. You could always spend a day in our house to give you a bit more perpective as I am far from being a perfect mum but I do (normally) have a good relationship with my children

Try not to be so hard on yourself and there is NOTHING wrong with food from a freezer (that is what they are there for!!)

Good advice labyrinthine - don't sweat the small stuff.

Things like good manners and being considerate of others are crucial and worth enforcing.

But arguing (for example) with an 8 year old who refuses to wear a coat to school in Winter is NOT important.

Fab,
I've read your two threads and I really sympathize with you. It sounds like your dcs are normal and you are a normal mum trying to do your best.
There was a thread yesterday about someone feeling disappointed because they are not the parent they thought they would be. I think lots of people feel like this. Like they've let themsleves and their children down in some way.
There is no amount of preparation that will really set you up for being a parent.
You and I are both human.

I think it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking your children will be your friend and help you. They won't, they are just children. I get the impression you are expecting too much from your 8yr old.

And food from the freezer is brilliant.

Hope you have a better time this afternoon with your dcs.

Oh poo.

I made the kids a new pudding yesterday and it wasn't quite set as I didn't realise it would take as long to do. They loved it all the same. I decided to make it again today and completely forgot!

I normally take a snack when I pick them up and if I don't they moan, if I don't take the car, they moan, when I ask DS1 to do his homework, he moans.

But I can't wait to see him and DD.

sorry I didn't come back sooner - what I meant was is that by you measuring yourself by, you are effectively burdening them with your lack of self esteem. It sounds harsh, but it's a conclusion I came to when my dd started being 3 more difficult. That is, she has to learn how to deal with people (including me) and decide how she is going to "be" and she doesn't need me also deciding that my personality and behaviour is going to be based upon it.

I hope this makes some sense! It's along the same lines as "there are no shy people, only rude people" - not that shy people are rude, but I have to remember that if I am acting shy, then I may well come across as rude. So not that it's something that you are doing that is wrong, but how your actions play on other people.

When you were being a nanny I bet you had your "professional face" on, so your charges felt that however they behaved, Nanny Fab would act reasonably. If you had blown your top or burst into tears or whatever when they were naughty, not only would they feel that things were not under control, but they would feel resentful of the responsibility of having to cope with your moods as well as their own.

DS comes out of school and pretends he has lost his voice. Doesn't want to talk about this morning. All okay.

Once home I ask him to do his homework and he says no. So I ask him to sit down and do his homework, he says only if I let him go out on his bike first. I say no, all the time staying calm. He runs off and hides. I get him in and he is now doing his homework.

I just feel differently like I have you guys behind me. Thank you.

The rude/shy thing is interesting. I felt my vibes were I hope no one notices me whereas it has been pointed out to me it could be go away and leave me alone.

i am staying clam

I will stay calm

I can do this

He is in a strop saying he can't do it. He can and if he can't then the school is failing him tbh. He is just being stroppy because he doesn't see why he has to do his homework this minute.

Fab - my dp will send out those vibes when he is in "the zone" with work and it plays absolute havoc with my dds' behaviour. Might be worth thinking about if you think you might be doing it.

Am I allowed to send you a hug-like vibe too tho (without being drummed out of MN!) because it is so hard dealing with unruly children and any other stresses on top of that. I really don't want to come across as know-it-all (I don't! I'm a relative newbie at parenting, as my oldest is 5) or unsympathetic.

Fab - can I be really nosey and ask how old you are (you can tell me to mind my own business if you wish)

I only ask because I had my first at the age of 24 and although this is a fairly normal age to have a child, in myself, I felt like a 'young' 24. I did feel as if older mothers were judging me and finding me lacking.

As Gok would say 'it's all about the confidence'

My kids moan everyday when I pick them up (this is fairly standard) my response varies according to just how moany they are being (I don't tolerate rudeness) and also what kind of a day I have had myself. Sometimes I will deal with it calmly and on other days I will blow my top!

FWIW though, I always let mine play out/chill out/watch TV etc after school before sugesting that they sit and do homework. They have a pretty intensive day at school so R&R is probably needed. And they are bloody ravenous too - am dishing out sandwiches, fruit and yoghurt all round in vast quantities.

I'm sure your were a FabNanny and even more certain that you are a FabMummy too (just don't expect your DS to see it that way)

hey course you can!

Does he want a bit of help/direction so he knows you care about it and him?

Yes, homework is a nice time for you both to sit together and look at his work. It is also a good opportunity to reaffirm the ground rules and boundaries.

Fab - I am your mum and I am interested in your school work. I am here to help you!

Fab's DS - I will let you help me and I promise not to sulk or be rude!

Job done.

I usually take a snack but today I didn't have time to get anything so I am doing an early tea which will be ready in less than 20 minutes.

I am 37.

I ask that he does the homework fairly soon after getting in (he has had a play with the guinea pigs and a play on the trike) as he will leave it to the last minute otherwise, and if we leave it to after tea he is even more likely to refuse to do it.

He is sat quietly doing it with me going over and stroking his head and leaving him to it. I have told him to ask me if he is stuck.

I have sent him to the step as he has backchatted me three times and says he is going to strangle himself with his tie.

he is coughing at the moment. And talking.

Hang on while I remove his tie.

i honestly think you are overthinking their behaviour and your reaction to it

you cannot give your children a 'perfect' child hood with no raised voices or naughtiness

children push the boundaries and will fight/argue with each other and their parents

that is normal !!

your children are having a lovely , normal childhood, they have two loving parents, they are well cared for, loved, clothed, fed lovely homecooked food and baking and are happy

you are not going to ruin their lives by discplining them within normal realms

children feel more secure with firm boundaries

you need to stop thinking every little argument is a catastrophe and the end of their worlds and yours

It all boils down to me not knowing what is normal as I didn't have a normal childhood and didn't behave like a normal child. I never misbehaved.

I am so pleased I have managed to stay calm.

Fab... I can so sympathise with your situation. My mother left me as a child (well, more than that, long story) and I too feel I have to be a perfect mum to make up for what I went through...

Classics are... I cannot refuse DS food, even if its rubbish food which i hate to let him have, because I dont ever want him to feel hungry.

EVERYTHING is home cooked, organic, from when he was a baby I was the one juicing, pureeing etc, and never let him have anything from a jar - i knew academically i was being over the top but couldnt help myself.

Had to buy sew on flipping name tags because I thought spending hours sewing them on made me a better mummy (what?!).

The only thing that sometimes sorts me out is remembering something a friend said to me, "there is no normal in parenting, there is never perfect in parenting, there's only doing your best... and sometimes they are still little shi*ts. Not everything is your fault, and perfect wont teach them about life".

Oh bollocky arsey shit on a stick!

I had a super lovely response just then and bloddy connection dropped so lost the lot.

Ah well - ditto what Lulu said.

Here's a thought though - why don't you tell us some flash points?

i.e 10 things that happen or are likely to happen that really wind you up? We can then all chip in and tell you how we would deal with it. And I bet you some of that wobbly pudding you make that we all have slightly different approaches.

I would also just say that a caring, stable, normal childhood certainly goes some way to shaping your own parenting style.

BUT it is still a huge learning curve for all of us, every single day. And we learn by our mistakes too.

I remember loads of fights between my sister and I when we were growing up - it made our mum unhappy but mostly we didn't think about that! We were just annoying each other by spending too much time together... maybe the kids need some time apart in the evening when they're tired after school!