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Parenting

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Original poster

So those of you who don't lie to your children...

97 replies

LynetteScavo · 13/09/2009 13:05

..yes you; the parents who tell their children Father Christmas doesn't exist, how far does this truth telling go?

Do you tell them you really don't want to play game of Junior Monopoly for example. Or, like me would you smile and lie saying "Of course dear, I'd love to."

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Bleatblurt · 14/09/2009 12:51

He is! I'm going to marry him.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 14/09/2009 12:55

Which one though, butterball?

Bleatblurt · 14/09/2009 12:57

David Tennant.

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LyraSilvertongue · 14/09/2009 13:06

Pinktulips, my mum was a bit like that. When she told me about periods, she said there would be a couple of spots of blood, to avoid scaring me I suppose.
When my period actually started and it was way more than a couple of spots, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. If she'd just been honest, I would have avoided a lot of worry.

LyraSilvertongue · 14/09/2009 13:09

Butterball, I do that too.
DS2 (5): "where's Daddy"
Me:"He's just gone to the moon for a bit to collect some cheese, he'll be back soon"
DS2: Don't be silly mummy"
There's a difference between mucking around and telling lies that can have serious consequences.

PinkTulips · 14/09/2009 13:10

Spam... joke answers are often given in this house too, as long as the child is aware it's a joke it's a fun game to play and nicely diverts from whinging when necessary

It's the same as ds1 pretending to be a fireman 24/7 or dd playing with her dolls, it's a pretend game and no-one is being deceived

Stephief · 14/09/2009 13:29

I think I work both ways as a mother. I tell the usual lies-tooth fairy, father christmas, but I balance it out by telling them the truth about why its their bedtime (because I want some peace, and they need some sleep!) and why they really should eat veg. It works for us.

KidsTunes · 14/09/2009 14:20

What's all this "can't sing" business? Almost nobody can carry a tune when they're 3, if you tell your kids they can't sing now they'll never learn how to. Singing is a skill that you learn, the same as talking, not something you innately can or cannot do

BonsoirAnna · 14/09/2009 14:24

Why are "lies" and "fiction" being used synonymously on this thread?

nickelbabe · 14/09/2009 15:25

True, Kidstunes: you can learn to sing : i was always an awful singer (thanks mum for telling me that! and often..., but still letting me enter a talent competition on holiday and then afterwards telling me that it sounded dreadful and i was singing too high for my own voice. )
anyway, now i'm an adult I'm in a church choir and think i can sing (i have been told I can) (i'll just add that my mum advised me not to join our church choir when i was a child even though i desperately wanted to because they audition their newbies and i wouldn't pass)

anyway, i want not to tell my children that there's a santa claus (possibly a religion thing, not sure), but when they start socializing they learn about him from other people (yes, even relatives), so is it really better not to tell them or to tell them and then let them find out the truth later? it does kind of detract from the true meaning of christmas, though doesn't it?

stressed2007 · 14/09/2009 15:48

"A child isn't going to be traumatised by finding out that father Christmas isn't real. But if we talk our children up by telling them that they're the most beautiful, most inteligent, most talented, it's going to be a really hard fall when they find out that's not the case."

But what is the balance. Shouldn't you be telling your children that they are beautiful, intelligent etc. I do this all the time - I thought is was "good parenting" - don't tell me I am doing that wrong.

LyraSilvertongue · 14/09/2009 16:14

I tell my children all the time that they're beautiful and clever (which they are) and that they can do anything they want in life if they put the effort in.
Surely that's a good thing?
No-one ever said anything like that to me and I've always had confidence issues.

PinkTulips · 14/09/2009 16:27

But you see my kids are gorgeous and clever so i don't have to lie about that stuff

I don't tell dd she can't sing, how could i possibly tell at 4 anyway, they all sound like cats being peeled at this age? I do occaionally ask her to play a quiet game instead as the baby is asleep/mummy has a headache/we're all a bit tired and want a rest/etc

There's a world of differance between not lying and telling the unadulterated truth

colditz · 14/09/2009 16:41

I agree with everything PinkTulips has said.

I can't lie to ds1. I can't give him silly ludicrous answers the way I can with ds2.

I have a friend who, when ds1 asks me a question such as "What's for dinner?" will butt in with "fried dinosaur!" or something equally silly. Her children and my youngest will laugh their heads off - ds1 just looks lost, and reiterates - "Mummy, what's really for dinner?"

he knows that that's a joke - he doesn't get it, but he knows it's a joke and not meanness. But some of the subtler lies would really upset him when he found out the truth. He knows that lamb chops come from lambs, which are dead baby sheep. He chooses to eat them anyway. He knows that when he goes to his dad's, he is coming back at 5pm on Saturday, not 'soon'. If someone says to him "ohhhhh I'll take you home with me!" I have to quickly interject with "ds1, X is joking, you are coming home with me like every day".

He's not a child for subtleties, and rather than have him HUGELY upset when he realises he hasn't got 'the joke', I would rather tell him right here, right now, what is true and what is not.

Interestingly, he pooh poohed my insistence that guinea pigs were real until I took him to a petting farm and showed him one ! i guess it sounded like one of those ludicrous jokes people play on children ....

zisforzebra · 14/09/2009 16:53

For the singing question you could tell your DC what my DH tells me - that I sound like a cat being throttled but he loves to hear it anyway (which is lucky because I yowl along to music all the time).

We maintain the father christmas, tooth fairy, easter bunny illusions but are fairly honest about all other things. I work along the lines of that if a child has asked a question, they are looking for an answer to it and deserve the truth.

We do make up silly stories to distract from whinging but the children know they aren't true and they play along too.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 14/09/2009 17:30

colditz does it get on your tits though when your friend gives the silly answers?

Tortington · 14/09/2009 17:37

dd is partially deaf but loved singing and dancing and performing.

i really wasn't going to tell her aged 3,4,5,6,7,8 that she sounded bloody awful - more than bloody awful - there are no words to describe the hiddeous flat out of key noise that came out of her mouth. i was also not going to tell her she has no rhythm and that her dancing was particularly pants.

i encouraged her and praised her - when she got old enough to understand her limitations i made subtle comments - it didn't warrent a sit down conversation a la "your puppy is dead" but i couldn't imagine watching a pretend singer with hairbrush to mouth aged 5 and saying "perhaps singing isn't your forte darling would you like to try art?"

MaMight · 14/09/2009 18:12

That's interesting Custy. My dd also has reduced hearing. I had never thought that might be a reason behind her tunelesness. What she lacks in melody she more than makes up for in volume and enthusiasm . Wouldn't have her any other way.

I think there is quite a distance between telling your catawauling 3 yr that her singing is delightful, and humiliating your deluded teen on an X-Factor audition.

Although... now I come to think of it I have a lovely friend who wants to be a singer/songwriter and his singing is sooooooo baaaaaaaad, it's terribly embarassing when he sings. He is a good friend. It's difficult. Once he looked me in the eye and asked me outright if I thought he could sing. I said that his songwriting and guitar playing were definitely his stronger suits. Eek.

simplesusan · 14/09/2009 19:14

I think there is a difference between honesty and tactfulness.
I don't really believe that all parents are 100% honest all the time. Even if they try to be honest with their kids someone who told the truth point blanc to adults would not be that popular.

examples
Do I look fat in this outfit: Of course you look fat, you are a size 18.
Mummy x cannot even do the basic maths why is that; Because x is thick.
Did you enjoy the meal I cooked for you: No it was awful and tasted like dogpoo.
Why won't my boyfriend marry me : because you are a slapper who he only wants to shag.

White lies can sometimes come in handy.

missp123 · 14/09/2009 19:18

My friend's parents told her the most amusing lie - that when the ice cream van's music is playing, it means it's run out of ice cream!

OrangeKnickers · 14/09/2009 19:43

'It's enough to drive me to housework.... '

genuis quote Acinonyx !

LovelyTinOfSpam · 14/09/2009 20:00

Oh and butterball, not Jon Pertwee then eh?

edam · 14/09/2009 20:07

Terry Pratchett says we teach children to believe in the little lies, like FC and the tooth fairy, so that they can learn to believe. It's practice for believing the big lies, like justice and freedom.

His point being, I think, that justice and freedom are concepts - you can't see them or point to them or hold them in your hand. You need belief.

(Only he put it much better than that of course, will google when ds is in bed.)

curiositykilled · 14/09/2009 21:37

I tell the truth on the whole. I don't see the point in telling children little twee white lies or untruths. If you don't want to do something telling them so and accepting a compromise helps them to understand how to compromise when they don't want to do something and why it is necessary.

I don't think it is a parent's job to protect their children from the world. It is a parent's job to help the child interpret the world.

My ds isn't a big fan of make believe but my dd is. I am the same with both of them, they don't get any lies but dd likes to play make believe games, knowing that something is not real. I think that is nice, she enjoys it. My sister, who likes the made up stuff, often says things like "Oh, DS you like Dr Who don't you? Would you like to be the doctor when you grow up?" he says "I do like the doctor auntie Liz but he is not real you know, just a story?"

DD will play with her though. Basically I think equpping them with the knowledge that certain things are and aren't real doesn't stop them enjoying the make believe game. I also think the make believe game is often more for the adult's benefit than the child's.

DidEinsteinsMum · 14/09/2009 21:52

I dont lie to ds as he would be destroyed if he found out. he is literal very literal and didnt believe is father christmas....

...until i put my foot in it. Cue quick lesson in belief being personal and just because you believe on thing and someone else believes something else doesnt make you wrong just have different opinion.

Ds gets comments like. No darling i didnt find that joke funny, you have a rather interesting sense of humour and its different to mine or I'm sorry i didnt understand that joke, Can you explain it?

My biggest problem is literality:
I am so hungry i could eat a horse caused hysterics cos he thought i was actually intending to supply a horse for tea. Bless.

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