So those of you who don't lie to your children...

[LynetteScavo]

..yes you; the parents who tell their children Father Christmas doesn't exist, how far does this truth telling go?

Do you tell them you really don't want to play game of Junior Monopoly for example. Or, like me would you smile and lie saying "Of course dear, I'd love to."

"Mummy, do you like Hello Kitty?"
"Mummy, is pink your favourite colour?"
"Mummy, do you like chocolate cereal/yoghurt?"

The answer is not "no I think it's totally gross" but "Darling, I know you love it and I love it because you love it and I love you."

In contrast

"Mummy, do you like Hello Kitty?"
"Some of the things are quite pretty, but I wouldn't want everything to be covered in Hello Kitty"

"Mummy, is pink your favourite colour?"
"No, I think I prefer blue. And DS likes yellow, doesn't he? We all like different colours. I do like your pink top, though."

"Mummy, do you like chocolate cereal/yoghurt?"
"No, it's a bit too sweet for me. I can see that you really like it, though, and this way you get to eat all the chocolate yoghurt and I get to eat all my yoghurts without fighting."

Honest responses, but childhood trauma avoided.

way too much over analyzing on this thread

Of course I would tell my DS if I didn't want to play a game with him. Or, if I didn't mind, I might tell him I'll play it with him but it isn't really my thing.

There is a difference between telling white lies to prevent hurting someone's feelings and actually making up lies that decieve people.

Nothing wrong with feigning enthusiasm for a game once in a while, big difference from the elaborate lies surrounding father christmas.

The whole point of this thread is over-analysing, though, surely?

My parents used lie to me about everything to the point where i still don't trust what they say.

They'd lie to me about what i was eating even though i knew they were lying, they lied on behalf of family, they lied about how much things would hurt, they lied even if they knew i'd find out within minutes it wasn't true, in fact, they lied daily about everything big and small.

When my mother tries to do it to dd now i pull her up on it and refuse to allow it. My honesty with dd means she trusts me implicitly and that has stood us in good stead time and time again, doctors and nurses are constantly amazed at her trust in me when it comes to medical procedures as she knows that when i say 'it'll hurt x amount but be over in y time' that it's the truth... not a sugar coated 'It'll just be a prick, it'll be over before you know it'

She knows when i tell her i'm going out for a certain amount of time that that's how long i'll be, not 'I'll be back soon' and not to return for days... as a result depite being quite a clingy and anxious child she happily waved me off on the plane for a weekend away much to my mothers amazement (she had attempted to lie and tell her i'd be back soon, and when confronted told me i'd scare her telling her i'd be gone for a few days, that i should say i'd be back later and 'she'll forget about it when she's at home having fun with [dp]' )

I told her in detail about how babies are born and that it hurts mommy but it's ok, as a result when we were almost stuck at home for ds2's birth and i was contracting heavily for several hours at home she was completely unfazed and gave me a kiss on the belly to make me feel better and wandered doff to watch tv.

She knows sausages are pigs and lamb is baby sheep, she knows what animals her milk comes from and none of that has bothered her.

Ds1 is younger but he's already starting to benefit from my (occasionally brutal) honesty as well and i wouldn't do anything differant having seen how much it helps dd to know the truth.

Like wannabe, i see santa as a fantasy that is easily seen through when they get old enough but provides a bit of joy now, telling a child who sounds like a cat being skinned alive that she's a beautiful singer can lead to lots of heartache and anguish though if they then pin all their hopes and dreams on being a singer.

lol - plonker that brightened up my mon morning

port&lemon - good

i would go with p&l

pink tulips good points

Why would I say I like pink or chocolate with I don't What's the point of that? Dd has asked me those things and I just tell her.

Dd has a habit of asking me point blank whether things are real - which makes it hard to avoid. She's starting a church school although we are card carrying atheists. If we take the view that 'some people believe' we will have to apply that across the board. I had to explain to dd that some people believe that God made the world. She immediately asked me if I believe that and I said no - I always tell her that she will have to decide what she believes for herself as she grows up.

Isn't over-analysing the purpose of mn??

Dd is asking a lot about the boundaries of real/sort of real/total fantasy at the moment and I confess to a long-standing pre-occuppation with philosophical questions such as 'how do we know anything?' and I don't want to fob her off and miss the chance to develop her critical thinking (saw a very similar post from a pp recently but forget who....).

Acinonyx. How is is your dd? I have recentlyhad the same coversation with dd (5). She asked about God and we have had the "some people believe and yo have to decide for yourself" chat. She also asked me if I believed in God and I said no.

She believe in Santa (because I love it!) but she knows that fairies, elfs, goblins, monsters, ghosts etc are all make believe. She has always known this and I think it has helped her not be scared of the dark or "monsters" in her room/under the bed. It means we can watch sci fi programmes (doctor who) and films that are a bit old for her without her being scared as she enjoys them as pretend rather than believeing daleks are real.

Pink Tulips. I have also always been honest about things like jabs "ot's going to hurt quite a bit, but it's quick and the nurse has a jelly baby for you once it's done" (oh the medicinal and pain relieving effects of a jelly baby)

God am I supposed to tell dd that she sounds like a wounded cat when she sings? She is 3 years old and loves to sing me her made-up songs which are utterly dreadful, but I genuinely LOVE hearing them and applaud enthusiastically.

How and when am I supposed to break it to my darling child that she cannot sing?

Won't that have the effect of making her self concious and stop wanting to join in family singing?

Surely she'll notice in her own time, and will reflect warmly on the fact that her mother adored her singing even when no one else did?

It really is bad.
I really do love every broken note of it.

I'm all of a worrit now.

Hando - I'm a big sci fi fan but alas dd is bearly able to cope with Snow White let alone Daleks! She was 4 in July - so still time to grow into I hope. I still have my Star Trek annuals but I fear dd may never want to read them!

I have tried to say that fairies are not real but she's SO adamant about the tooth fairy I lose the will......

As for her singing. Of course we love to hear her (asonishingly tuneless) singing, bless. But if she ever tries to audition for a TV show I will have her physically restrained. Alas, dd gets her muscial talent from dh.

MaMight - tell her before she goes to the X factor audition.

I'll happily tell half-truths and outright lies to my DC if it doesn't cause harm and/or makes my life easier, but we've always told DS that Father Christmas is a story. I think perhaps that I don't really 'get' the whole Father Christmas thing because I really don't understand why it's so very important to some people that their children do think he's real.

Oh I hadn't thought about the tooth fairy

We actually watched war of the worlds with dd earlier this year (the new version) and she loved it. Same goes for star trek. I didn't take her to see the movie though (although me and dp went) as I read beforehand it was a bit grpahic and had swearing (as indeed it did).

The snow white ride at Disneyland was horrific - it even scared me!!!

I'm in the same camp as Acyonix (also have a philosophy degree and don't believe it's possible to over-analyse anything). I just wouldn't bother lying to my children, I haven't so far felt the need. I prefer to discuss or dispute than gloss over things.

You can teach them the difference between tactful comments and brutal bluntness. How to keep quiet if you don't agree, or say "Yes I like it when you sing" rather than "You sing beautifully". Or you can say "I think this but you might not want to repeat that in front of other people as it might upset them".

Surely MaMight you tell her the truth - that you love to hear her singing. If she continues to love to sing, and her tunefullness doesn't improve, you sign her up for singing lessons

The thing that bothers me about the whole truth thing stems from something that happened at a friends house.

One of her children asked a question and I said a really silly answer with a big jokey smile and she laughed.

Upon which her mum said "well no spam that's not true is it, it's such and such".

I was suitably chastened, but I thought, well sometimes it's fun to give ludicrous answers, as long as you make it obvious you're joking and you know the child will realise.

Where do others stand on that?

I do silly answers all the time, LovelyTinOfSpam! DS1 will ask where his teddy is and I'll say I ate him as I was hungry, or something silly like that. DS1 thinks it's hilarious.

I think lies are definitely part of parenting just the same as lies are part of every other relationship we have. That sounds bad but we do sometimes have to lie so as not to offend/hurt someone and I don't think that's a bad thing. As long as we are honest about the things that count, iykwim.

A silly answer, obviously not true and part of a game, is fine by me. That's a game, not lying or distorting the truth. But my children know when we're playing a game or using our imaginations, and when we're not, and if they ask me directly about something like the tooth fairy, I won't lie. I might say something like "what do you think?" or "why don't you write a letter to the tooth fairy and see what happens?"

It's interesting though as my friend obviously thought that my silliness was lying and that her daughter should be set straight. Even though we all knew it was a joke.

Mind you she is a much more serious person than me.

Butterball don't worry I shall continue to claim that DDs pajamas have been blasted into space in her space rocket etc

I think surely you can tell fairy stories etc but still be honest with them about the things that matter.

On the point of singing i used to LOVE singing, gutted when i couldn't join the school choir, my voice was apparently too 'deep' eventually my best mate broke the news during a bout of carol singing that i was totally out of tune and just couldn't sing. I have had a complex about my singing ever since!

I think it's so much fun to go looking for magic pennies in the garden that the fairies have left (chocolate money I have hidden ) and things like that. I grew up with these sorts of lies and rather than harming me in any way I actually think back on my childhood with those happy memories.

Not to say that a child not told any such lies and stories wont have as many happy memories of course, before anyone thinks I'm suggesting anything like that.

While my 2 year old was brushing her teeth telling me about her going to Dr Who's house later, I said..."You do know Dr Who is not real dont you?" Yes she said and smiled!