Have I been too hard on 5yo DD1, it's breaking my heart seeing her so upset.

[sweetkitty]

DD1 is 5yo just started school a few weeks back.

Anyway she has always had this habit of biting and chewing things, in the past it was books, paper, pencil, chalk, crayons, Barbie's fingers you get the drift. She will put anything non food in her mouth and eat it, the day before yesterday she was doing her homework and bit the end of the rubber off and was eating it.

On top of this I feel she does not take care of her toys, she breaks and wrecks things and shows no remorse, probably as she has loads of other toys.

Anyway she gets £1 a week pocket money which she saves up for what she wants, she has been going on about this little Bratz baby for ages so I got it off the internet for her. So yesterday it arrived and she was delighted. Then I looked out the window and she is throwing this new doll and her other ones down the street so I called her in and took teh dolls off her then realised the hair bit at the tops of them both was all chewed off (she had had it for about an hour). I was livid with her so I got all her other Bratz and put them in a black bag and put them in the wheelie bin, I told her that if she cannot look after her toys she won't have any toys and that Santa was watching and wouldn't br bringing her any toys for Christmas.

She was distraught at the time and in bed last night, ths morning when she got up she was crying a lot saying she wanted her Bratz back and I could see her eyes filling up all the time.

Now I feel totally crap, I have retrieved the Bratz from the bin and hidden them and I am not going to give her them back for a month at least but I feel like crap Mum now.

Was I too hard on her, I am so fed up with buying things and her chewing them.

If she has that big an issue with chewing I might be seeing whether I could get a GP referral to someone who could help. At the moment she clearly can't help it; her behaviour is compulsive and punishing her isn't going to help at all (although I can entirely see why you are at the end of your tether).

Then go to the GP, it sounds compulsive TBH. However, no matter how you turn it about, shouting and getting angry never help this sort of behaviour. They may stop "naughtiness" like throwing things but not long term deep set habits! (Thst is not to say it is wrong to be angry, just don't take that anger out on her if she cannot help it!)

Poor little girl

Way way OTT. Give the Bratz doll back with an explanation and an apology. Tell her you will start to take her toys away if she carries on like this.

Oh, X Post wth P&L - who makes excellent points

sweetkitty....I should imagine it also worries and upsets you that if she can chew off something brand new and much wanted, then her problem is way out of your control?
Have you spoken to her school?
Maybe you can move on from yesterday with a positive determination to crack this cycle of events by pushing for some support for you both.
All the best !!

I did find that with all my DC school increased bad habits 100X for a while. DS#1 has a habit of picking things up and putting them in his pocket - sometimes quite horrible things off the pavement - and I had to chuck out a whole load of school shirts because the top pocket was permanently stained. He got over it. It was a response to the stress of the situation.

sweetkitty, the eating thing sounds a bit like pica. I am trying to provide a link but have dodgy internet connection...might be worth you looking into if you haven't already.

She has been warned time and time again that if she breaks or chews something I will take it off her.

It wasn't one incident of her chewing a toy and me taking it off her, this was after repeated and repeated warnings.

The chewing thing is tricky because as others have said it's not deliberate naughtiness, it's a habit and habit's can be very hard to break.....I should know I'm 30 something and still suck my thumb

I feel for you but I feel for your daughter more. My ds's break loads of toys. Toys just aren't made tough enough anymore. They rarely play with toys as they are intended and we have lots of power rangers and Ben 10 toys with missing limbs, heads etc.

I don't replace broken toys but I don't punish them especially over it either. It's part of childhood.

I think you were a bit harsh but we all lose it with our dc's sometimes

sweetkitty, I cannot believe the responses you got - "poor little girl" "you have broken her trust" - wtf? Sweetkitty was angry, and yes you went a bit too far but children can and should see that their behaviour can lead to negative reactions, it's only authentic IMO. I have often in the past lost my rag with my children. If I went too far I have a apologized, explained the reasons for my anger and then adjusted the consequence/punishment to be more reasonable.

Don't feel bad sweetkitty

Pica

Emkana - that is exactly what I suggested sweetkitty should do - appologise and explain why she went too far and adjust the punishment to something reasonable.

If you seriously think and explosion like that does not affect a childs trust then I feel you are mistaken, however I did not say that she is the only parent to have ever done it or anything else. It happens a lot, but that alone does not make it ok and yes, trust needs to be rebuilt after a blow up, the same as it would if your dp/boss/friend blew up at you like that or vice versa.

I just don't think it's in the spirit of the MN to tell a mum who is upset already that this was a shitty thing to do etc., I think there are ways of saying you went too far without causing further upset. And I'm not sure that one incident like this can lead to a breakdown of trust in an otherwise close, warm and nurturing parent-child relationship, which I'm sure sweetkitty has with her dd.

I remember briefly going through the chewing thing - actually during a time of high anxiety. Could your daughter be anxious? Insecure? Are you always busy with other children or tasks? Or are things happening at school or elsewhere that are unsettling her? Could she be chewing to check your love, to check you'll keep replacing toys? A kindly chat with her tonight - while slowly returning toys as reward for good behaviour does sound just the ticket. And no, you're not shitty, you're actually very kind to be so concerned with what you've done. Some parents would not admit blame.

Hmmm.

She saved her money and bought her doll. If she chooses to play with it, or occupy herself with it in one way, can she not choose to do that? It wasn't something of yours that she chewed!

I think it would be worth exploring why she chews things, so that you can address this. Obviously the threat of having things take away is not working, or it would have worked by now. She may be upset because she is frightened that she simply cannot control her chewing, and therefore thinks she will never have toys, and never be able to make her Mummy happy.

I am sure your current upset can be cured with a cuddle and an admission that you went way over the top.

No time to read all the posts but in my opinion YABU.

She is 5 - shouldn't she be allowed to play with her own toys the way she wants?

If she doesn't mind the fact that they are a bit chewed why does it bother you? Are you hoping to pass them on to another child?

I can see why you wouldn't want her eating paper, chewing up her
schoolbooks etc but having a bit of a chew on her own toys is hardly a capital offence.

btw this is not a thread in aibu.

Instead it seems a good example how the harshness of aibu threads has spilled over into other areas of MN.

emkana - most of us who said she has gone ott advised her to do what you said you would do. Apologise. Yes, parents lose their temper but it isn't Ok to do it and then pretend that nothing has happened.

I have no problem with people saying sweetkitty went too far and should apologize.

But there are kinder ways of saying it.

sorry for the abbreviation. was typing quickly.

I do think it was an over reaction though.

Agree with Blu.

If you give her back the dolls when she gets back from school today and tell her Santa will be coming after all, you are not caving. In your position I would apologise and admit I was in the wrong. I have gone OTT about stuff in my time too.

I agree about bad habits getting 100x worse when school starts. She'll be tired, lots of adrenaline etc. (I also have a 5yo DD who started school last month and she is pretty testing atm)

Don't be too hard on yourself.

I didn't like the Santa thing and taking the old toys but the new one I think needs to be confiscated for a while otherwise she won't ever respect things. Carelessly damaging something she's just been given isn't on.

If it was me I'd apologize ,say you were wrong because you were angry and Santa will be coming. I'd say you were angry because all her lovely things are getting spoilt. I'd then give her back her old stuff but keep the new one until she can go a week without chewing things.

Aside from anything else the chewing has to stop,it's dangerous. DS 5 is constantly putting things in his mouth,he swallowed a bell last week. We're worried he's going to choke one day so I'm afraid he's getting a rollicking every time something goes in his mouth.

She will need loads of cuddles though,you're not crap,the fact you're so upset shows that. We all screw up at times it's recognizing your mistakes and offering an apology that that is important.

sweetkitty - am not sure what to say here as I'm sure regardless of the responses you've received nobody can make you feel worse than you're already feeling - you wouldn't have started this thread if you didn't feel bad

its a habit, that's true but I can also understand the need for her to understand that money is not a finite resource and she has a responsibility to look after her possessions - regardless of whether or not she's paid for them herself or if they're intended for siblings - it is a lesson in common courtesy and manners

if the end of your tether was reached fair enough, what is done cannot be changed - you need to decide how to rectify your situation without letting DD think she's gotten away with doing something that you constantly ask her not to do and without looking like you're completely backtracking

am pretty sure you will work it out and please ignore the holier than thou comments on here - we're all human and I have certainly made more than my fair share of mistakes - am sorry you've been upset by the situation in the first place AND the responses you've had

this all comes from the woman who threatened to throw her DD1's bike in the pond if she didn't stop whinging whilst trying to learn to ride - am not proud, I know it was wrong but it happened, we've moved on, I haven't lost her trust and I don't think it will be her everylasting memory of me

please don't beat yourself up about it

I haven't read the thread but eating / chewing on 'non-food' items can be a symptom of anaemia (low iron) - it might be worth ruling that out?

Sweetkitty. Long time no speak

I am prone to over reaction. It is my problem not the DC's.
However, my DD2 who has just started school and was 5 this week, sounds very similar to your DD.
She breaks stuff, she writes on everything. Walls, ceilings, doors, floors, tables, desks. When ever I talk to her about it she apologises, then does it all again.
I do shout at her, I lose my temper. Nothing makes any difference to her at all.
I am clinging to the hope she will grow out of it. Eventually.
We are not perfect. Noone gets it right every single day. We do our best.