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Parenting

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Original poster

The friends your children have chosen??????

75 replies

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 12:58

Hi all, It's only day 3 of reception and I'm already unsure about the friend my little boy has made. He's no angel but he is easily led. The little boy in question seems to pull him around the play ground and wrestle with my ds (something we don't encourage at home) and it' the child's general demeanor. He...doesn't speak nicely to his mum which to me is worrying!! I know to some I might be over-reacting but even when I spoke to the teacher today she agreed that if it was her son it would not be an association that she would be encouraging!!

So how do I get my ds to play with other children and not exclusively with this little boy???????? It's soooo difficult up until now I have had total say as to his friends but now it's up to him (partly).

How do I get him to make better choices in his friends???????????

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fruitstick · 09/09/2009 12:59

You don't.

But you don't have to invite him for tea.

Flyonthewindscreen · 09/09/2009 13:09

You can't choose DCs friends for them and you don't have any control over who they play with in school. All you can do is encourage other friendships by inviting other children around, and as fruitstick says you aren't obliged to do any out of school things with DS's chosen school friend if they turn out to be nightmare.

Original poster

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 13:10

No I don't think that I will be inviting him home for tea at the moment. But friends affect how well you listen in class and also how teachers respond to you! I know from experience that if I had made better choices at school earlier on things may have been very different!!

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GooseyLoosey · 09/09/2009 13:14

Not very nice of the teacher to say that on day 3 of reception!

I would wait and see how "important" this child becomes to your son over the next few months and not do anything at all at the moment.

If he one friend among many, then you don't have to invite him around. If he is your son's best or only friend, then you can encourage him to make other friendships but I think that you also have to give some support to this one for now (at least in terms of inviting him around for tea).

bigchris · 09/09/2009 13:15

firstly your teacher sounds very unprofessional to have said that
secondly at the beginning of reception the children are often more of a handful due to overtiredness etc so you might find he calms down
also the teacher will split them up in class if they are disrupting each other
you have to take a step back
good luck

fruitstick · 09/09/2009 13:20

I would say Zola that you are putting unnecessary pressure due to your own failings. It's the first week of reception ffs. if it was senior school and he was giving DS fags then fair enough.

I have to say that your son's friend sounds a little bit like my DS. In his defence, he has recently moved house away from all the people he knows, had a new baby brother and a whole other host of unheavals.

Who knows what situations this other little boy is dealing with on top of starting reception.

Original poster

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 13:27

Fruitstick - 'I would say Zola that you are putting unnecessary pressure due to your own failings'. What do you mean my own failings??????

I feel like I do my best by my children. They have always had a set routine. I have always taken them out. They don't always get what they want but they get treats. We are quite firm about manners etc. They are read to daily. I mean I don't have to list my credentials and at present I have only put down some of our strong points but ' my failins'...please expand???

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themildmanneredjanitor · 09/09/2009 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 09/09/2009 13:36

you can't dictate who your child is friends with. There are children at school I would rather my ds didn't play with, and although I have said as much to him and have backed up my opinion with a reason why) ultimately children have to learn to make their own friends and to learn for themselves which children are and are not good friends.

and tbh after three days you really cannot know what this child is going to be like.

And I would be very about the teacher making comments like that about another child.

minko · 09/09/2009 13:43

You don't really get to choose. Still, never fear it takes ages for the real friendships to emerge. My DD was adamant that a girl called Abby was her best mate in the first week. 2 years on she doesn't like her at all. Which is just as well as she's a bit of a bully!

Original poster

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 13:45

Fruitstick - Sorry for my defensive attack!!!! I misinterpreted what you said.

I know your all right but it's my baby (she says irrationally). You just want the best!!!!

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OtterInaSkoda · 09/09/2009 13:58

I'm quite that the teacher is bad-mouthing this child to you. Even if the teacher knows the family, "knows" they're bad news, they've been bang out of order.

fruitstick · 09/09/2009 14:01

I may have taken it the wrong way but "I know from experience that if I had made better choices at school earlier on things may have been very different!! "

This is an odd thing to bring up on your son's 3rd day at school.

Original poster

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 14:51

I don't think so, Fruitstick. Alot of our own experiences shape the type of parents we are. I'm just making the link between my own failures and not wanting my son to make the same. Not odd, maybe a little apprehensive.

OP posts:

cory · 09/09/2009 15:42

My dcs have now got to Yr 5 and Yr 8 respectively so I have had time to have a good close look at their friends, and there is simply no way I could have gauged from the first week in reception who would be a good influence and who would not. I can think of several children who looked a little dodgy from the start but who have actually been very good influences two or three years down the line. And vice versa.

Besides, my dcs have known from toddlers up that I would never be in the least interested in any influences they may have been subjected to: your behaviour is your responsibility as far as I am concerned. If you choose not to listen in class that is your outlook and you will get into trouble. In that respect I don't want the best for my dcs, I want the best from them.

The teacher doesn't sound like an influence I'd want around my dcs, though

Acinonyx · 09/09/2009 15:58

''The little boy in question seems to pull him around the play ground and wrestle with my ds (something we don't encourage at home)''

I may be waay off here but maybe this is part of the problem? Don't all boys like to wrestle and roll about like puppies? Just my observation (amongst my very middle class friends )

I have a dd in reception myself who is not at all into rough play - but came home with a monster bump - she fell over while running hand in hand with another girl away from some boys and the other girl ran faster and pulled her over.

It's Lord of th Flies out there - but they have to learn to make their own way.

The teacher was way out of line there - very unprofessional comment.

bigchris · 09/09/2009 16:53

great post cory
the kids find their own feet and realise quickly that if they misbehave it is them who will get into trouble, no one else

mollyroger · 09/09/2009 17:06

on paper, my ds1's best friend in the world sounds like BAD news....
In reality, he has been the best friend my son could ever have hoped for - they made friends at nursery and are still best friends at 12. And they have made each other so happy. Ds has other friends, but this dude has turned out to be special

Agree teacher should not have said that - terribly unprofessional.

OtterInaSkoda · 09/09/2009 17:12

molly that's so sweet I want to cry. And I'm not even pre-menstrual!

bigchris · 09/09/2009 17:12

aw molly that is so nice, i hope my ds finds a good friend like that, the trouble with our primary school is there are no feeder secondary schools so they will all go to different schools ( not somethibg the OP should worry about in reception!!)

mrsruffallo · 09/09/2009 17:20

The boy in question sounds like my ds. He loves rough and tumble play, likes to wrestle and chase and as a result can wear himself out and become quite surly just before he has a nap.
He is also a friendly, loving, kind, bright little boy who is extremely loyal.
I can't believe that you are making a judgement on this boy after 3 days of reception. It's ridiculous.

And I do all the things that you do with your kids (and more) sounds like a normal upbringing to me so I have no idea why you consider your son superior

mrsruffallo · 09/09/2009 17:21

And why do you discourage wrestling at home if your son enjoys it?

BaronConker · 09/09/2009 17:37

Although I agree with all the above, that you can't choose and can't make a judgement after 3 days, I do know what you mean. My DS1 is in year 2 now and there are still some boys that he loves playing with, that make my heart sink when I see them. One boy in his class climbed to the top of the slide in the village park and pee-ed off the top of it, while my sons watched in awestruck wonder. I took them home and gave them the 'If I EVER see you....' speech.

You just have to credit them with the ability to be a good judge of character, or hope that if they're not, then they learn to be through a learning curve of making friends with the 'wrong' people early on!

Original poster

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 17:38

Mrs Ruffalo, I don't consider my son superior. My son is special to me and I have every right to be concerned about him and his influences. I am, however, inclined to agree that I am being a little presumptious about the little boy.

Superior indeed!!! I hate the fact that by saying I wouldn't want my child to play with someone whose behaviour is questionable that I am some sort of snob. Surely, I am accountable for my son and his behaviour up until the age he has proper moral and social judgement. We all have differing standards, that is still allowed? Or should we all parent in the same, despite our own convictions, so that no one feels superior to another????

OP posts:

risingstar · 09/09/2009 17:42

sounds like every one has their judgy hat on today

really, i think with the benefit of experience i would say that there are many battles ahead. this is not one worth fighting. you cannot choose your kids friends. no, you do not have to invite them home, but i would- yes really. they might be lovely, they might be great with younger siblings. They might be horrid- but then you have a justifiable reason not to invite them again.

Lets face it, this is the point at which you lose some control over your children. you really have to live with it.

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