The friends your children have chosen??????

[Zola78]

Hi all, It's only day 3 of reception and I'm already unsure about the friend my little boy has made. He's no angel but he is easily led. The little boy in question seems to pull him around the play ground and wrestle with my ds (something we don't encourage at home) and it' the child's general demeanor. He...doesn't speak nicely to his mum which to me is worrying!! I know to some I might be over-reacting but even when I spoke to the teacher today she agreed that if it was her son it would not be an association that she would be encouraging!!

So how do I get my ds to play with other children and not exclusively with this little boy???????? It's soooo difficult up until now I have had total say as to his friends but now it's up to him (partly).

How do I get him to make better choices in his friends???????????

A funny story about DD's first friend she brought home to tea.

Friend (A) was an angelic looking little dot of a girl, who happened to live in a notorious part of town. The girls had a very nice time together.

When I was driving her home we passed a police car.

A: "Oh no, old bill. Bet they want me Mum"!
Me: "Why ever would they want your Mum?"
A: "Nah, It's me Dad what nicks"

Eventually DD drifted away from A, who was VERY proud many years later whn her brother had the first Asbo of our town so was in the paper, and then they all appeared on the TV programme "Neighbours from Hell"!!

Really well put, Framey-the voice of the wise parent. It is hard when you can't control everything, but it much healthier to start letting go-it is a long slow process.

I think everyone's being a bit mean to you Zola; it's perfectly natural, after being your child's main influence, that you're stressed about him being out in the big, wide world, copying and adopting behaviour that you'd prefer not to see in your own child. I think it's also true that it might be a bit early to tell and that you can't always tell a book by its cover (or indeed its origin) and that rationally, it's unlikely that they'll be best buddies forever. Nonetheless, worrying about him wedding himself to this other boy and not forging other friendships in school, is probably quite natural and in spite of some of the high and mighty posts you've received, I suspect there are none amongst us who don't have favourites and 'unfavoureds' amongst our children's friends.

I also think some of the responses are overly harsh. You don't remotely sound like you think your son is 'superior', just that you are finding it hard to let go, and feeling protective. Totally understandable. You sound like you are willing to take on board some of the saner and wiser comments, so good luck - hope you feel more relaxed about it in good time.

Well naturally I don't like all dd's friends equally. But it's a big step from not liking to actively interfering to stop a friendship, or encouraging a teacher in unprofessional conversations.

He'll probably move on of his own accord. DS1 was 'best friends' with a little boy when he started reception. By Christmas they hardly played together anymore. Both DSs have had strong exclusive friendships that haven't lasted when they were that young.

Zola you need to chill out it's day three of reception FFS! They will make and change friends on a weekly basis at that age.

IMHO you and the teacher had no right to be discussing the behaviour of the other child, that is unfair and completely unprofessional. You want to hope the other mum doesn't find out because she would most likely feel very upset to find out her son has been labelled as the 'bad lad' on day three for no real reason.

My dd is also on day three of reception and so far is having a ball, luckily for all. If I knew that one of the mums was discussing the negative behaviour of any of the other children with the teacher I would think 'overprotective, neurotic weirdo' and steer clear.

Why not try to see the good?

at the teacher. It will pass - the most I would do is to talk to my child about making lots of friends.

I have resorted to explaining to DS that there are some friends which, whilst he is entirely free to be friends at school, I will not be inviting home, because I can't deal with their mothers - I acknowledged that it was not fair, and he has accepted it and has not stopped being friends with the children concerned at school.

One of ds's 'best' friends aged 4-5 was a complete trouble magnet. Lovely child in many ways, pleasant (and desperately worried) parents but if there was trouble to be found this kid found it. And ds was in there too. Time and again we had the conversation with ds asking why he had got involved in the latest questionable scheme, to be told 'But X said we should'.

Anyway, after a year ds grasped that he needed to exercise some judgment and only follow plans if they seemed unlikely to lead to trouble. It was and remains an invaluable life skill, learned early enough to be useful. The friendship with X started to fade through the following year, and he left the school at the end of that year. I was actually quite sorry to see him go.

I am so shocked at the teacher in this case. What did she REALLY say?? If, as a mother, I found that a teacher had passed judgements like this on my child- after three days!!- I would hit the roof. Just dreadful.

Yes I too wonder what the teacher really said - if she made the comment that you quoted she should be reported to the head as being totally unprofessional. This is a serious matter. Was it a teacher or a teaching assistant. If the latter then the class teacher should be made aware of the comment.

Zola - I think one or two people have been trying to ask what you would think if another mother discussed your son with the teacher, and the teacher made a similar kind of judgemental comment about him. My guess is that you would be horrified.

I agree with the majority of comments saying that you cannot choose your child's friends. Also how do you know what happens in the playground. Do you stand around watching to see what is happening?

You sound somewhat over protective and this will not be good for your son. Yes I know he is precious but then so are all children to their parents. This is the first step in letting go of your child and will continue through life. You need to give your child the skills to cope with whatever comes his way in life and stop worrying about a little boy wanting a bit of rough play in the playground, which in my experience is absolutely normal for small boys.

i am a mother of 7 children 6 are boys,

my opinion if this taken from my 8 yr old and also my reception boy who is my precious child too

i know what your saying sweetheart about this but you have to remember this is when we let go a little bit we have done what we could and taught them right from wrong and all that, but hes a little child and they play rough and tumble and pull each other round by the hoods as much as we say dont do that or this

my reception son came out yesterday and told me of a little boy in his class who cheeked his teacher, my lad was he said you dont say that to you mum do you he is so rude, so hes got the right idea but he still loves to run around tug the hoods too because hes 5 and its fun, and its what is all about
learning exploring testing the bounderies, just relax a bit hes settling in and bound to have a whole selection of friends before the terms out.

I would start by thanking those that have made really positive and wise comments on my 'situation'. I have taken on board alot of what has been said i.e continuing to teach ds1 right from wrong; giving the little boy a chance; remembering that ds1 has to take responsibility for his actions and ultimately that I have got to start to let go.

In defense of the teacher, she didn't really want to say anything. But I felt that her comment referred more to inside the classroom as oppose to in the playground. She's lovely and I hate the fact that so many have misunderstood her.

I think it's naive to think that teachers don't discuss other children's behaviour with other parents i.e when x and y sit together they are very disruptive so we've split them up. We all hate the thought that our little ones might be labelled but that too is part of being in the big wide world.

I've got to say I am a little disappointed at how harsh people have been. Ds1 is my first to go off to school (I have another 3 to go) and in the same way you wouldn't have gun down a first time mother who is concerned about the fact that her baby has only pooed once that day. I would have liked to think that the same consideration may have been taken. I don't dislike this little boy, I'm just concerned about mine!!!!!

zola i dislike putting my ideas on here as some people are truly horrible and i find that upsetting
were all new at something arnt we and were all moms and supposed to help not be rude and thoughtless

hoping things settle down soon from a very anxious parent who actualy has watched her son from the playground for a few mins as he cried when he went in and it upset me, he was playing and laughing so all was well.

imagine if id have put that on here id have been shot to pieces shock horror you watched your son to make sure he was ok

pfb ?

Zola, it's not whether teachers discuss problems, it's how they discuss them.

I can assure you that I have been in several times over the years to discuss problems dcs have had with other children and there are far better, more professional ways for a teacher to approach the problem than to say that they wouldn't want their own child associating with another child. I have never known a teacher approach a problem as clumsily as this and would have been extremely concerned if they had.

If it was a case of children needed to split up, they would say something sensible like, 'we will split them up if their being together doesn't work'. Or simply 'I will deal with it', without giving details.

Disneystar, Mumsnet would not have been anything but supportive if you had come on to say you were crying at your son's first day at school: a quick trawl through older posts would have reassured you that we are full of support threads for that sort of thing. But that is different from making a judgment about another child.

I'm new to Mumsnet and really shocked at how spiteful and judgemental some of these comments have been.
Zola is simply voicing a common concern of many parents and I am suprised how quickly that has been turned on it's head to make personal comments about her parenting. Really disappointed as I thought this was a valuable resource with a supportive online community.

The teacher may have meant that she wouldn't encourage the association because they're a bad influence on each other? This is no way means that either of the children are bad or naughty, but just that they get up to mischief and wind each other up when they're together. Often you can get two children who are totally lovely and charming separately but it just so happens that they encourage a certain aspect of each others personality.

It doesn't matter whether the teacher was referring to the classroom situation OR the playground. She still seriously breached confidentiality rules. The teacher has not been misunderstood conversely I think many have understood clearly how unprofessional she has been. Again i ask you Zola how would you feel if this teacher discussed your son with another parent?

Given that this is your first experience of formal education i am not sure how you come to the conclusion that teachers will make comments about x and y not getting on together etc and so splitting them up etc. This should not happen. Teachers should not and in my experience DO not ever discuss(or indeed make acomment about a child) with anyone other than another professional or the child's parents. My son and dil are both primary school teachers and are in absolute agreement with this. Indeed they talk of the fact that when parents complain about this or that child, they are very careful not to make any kind of comment whatsoever and will only discuss the child in question with the parents in question. This is for very obvious reasons and I cannot understand why you cannot understand this.

Are you not concerned that this teacher may think it perfectly acceptable to discuss your son with another parent??

Zola I am a teacher and would expect to be disciplined for speaking like this about a child. And that's in a secondary school! YOU may think this teacher is lovely, I bet the other boy's mum would feel differently. Comments to one parent about another parent's child, whether about inside OR outside the classroom, are wholly inappropriate.

My DS had a friend who not only went to the same school, but also lived very close. He was the third of four brothers, my DS the only boy in the family. The friend was a really rough and tumble boy, who turned out to be uninterested in academics but extremely gifted, and that is the only word, in sports, every sport he ever turned to, actually. My DS was not . DS found his boisterous friend a bit much occasionally, but I let him sort it out by himself as long as it never came to blows, where the friend had a clear advantage. They remained friends, and DS learned a lot about getting along with jock-type boys, and was accepted into the sporty crowd very readily through his friendship with this boy, even though they parted ways academically. I made sure they were never seated together in class, btw.
I agree about that teacher .

The teacher may well be nice, but it is unacceptable to make that sort of remark about another child.

Hi...just joined and this is my first post actually! Thought I'd just add a comment about my own experience.

I can remember as a child being really close friends with a girl who lived in a 'posher' area than I did. I can remember numerous conversations about how she was a bad influence on me, and how how her parents didn't approve of me because I was a bad influence on her. Fact was, we probably brought out the worst in each other,but both sets of parents blamed the other child. I can remember going to her house a few times, but she wasn't allowed to visit mine because of the area that we lived in (it wasn't actually THAT bad!!)... we eventually drifted apart anyway. And as is turned out, a few years later we actaully moved into a house a few down from her!

(Also my first DS starts at nursery on Monday and friend choices are top of my list of worries, as I'm sure it is for alot of others, but I have found many posts on here very helpful so thanks )

One of the best things about sending your children to state primary school is that they get to mix with a whole range of children. One of the things that varies is behaviour - as others have said you don't have to invite all their friends home but sometimes my sons discuss things their friends have been told off for and it's actually really useful for discussing why some behaviour isn't appropriate etc.

Some kids are naughty when they start school because they find it stressful, they're knackered, they haven't been taught how to behave so far - but it doesn't mean they won't learn and change (they're 4!!!) and maybe your child's good behaviour will actually rub off.

Zola78 I think you've had a very unfair trial on this!
Baring in mind you said you didn't like the way this boy spoke to his mother (not good) and that the teacher after 3 days DID feel that strongly about it she said that, she is with them all day remember. Id be exactly the same as you.
Most of us put a good bit of work into our children, their behaviour and manners so it would be un-nerving to watch a little nightmare having a bit of influence on your child and you obviously came on here for a bit support and advice.
No, we dont have much control over their friends and it sounds hard to watch but hopefully the boy will either settle or yours will find other friends.
Since your DS is easily influenced as you said, maybe point out that it's better to have lots and lots of friends than just one and not to let this little boy take over.
Good luck. x