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Parenting

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Original poster

The friends your children have chosen??????

75 replies

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 12:58

Hi all, It's only day 3 of reception and I'm already unsure about the friend my little boy has made. He's no angel but he is easily led. The little boy in question seems to pull him around the play ground and wrestle with my ds (something we don't encourage at home) and it' the child's general demeanor. He...doesn't speak nicely to his mum which to me is worrying!! I know to some I might be over-reacting but even when I spoke to the teacher today she agreed that if it was her son it would not be an association that she would be encouraging!!

So how do I get my ds to play with other children and not exclusively with this little boy???????? It's soooo difficult up until now I have had total say as to his friends but now it's up to him (partly).

How do I get him to make better choices in his friends???????????

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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cory · 09/09/2009 17:46

SO what about when the shoe is on the other foot, Lola? When your son comes home crying from school because another child won't play with him because of their parents' superior standards? I am sure there is some area where every child falls down compared to some other child. Or is it inconceivable that your son might ever want to play with another child who has even higher standards of behaviour?

Would you be prepared for your son to be told that "my Mummy doesn't want me to play with you"?

I too have high standards for my children. First on the list is being kind to everybody, second is being able to behave well regardless of what other children do.

Original poster

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 17:57

My son also enjoys endless amounts of chocolate and cakes etc should I also endorse that? I don't like wrestling especially at this age because they aren't always aware of their own strengths. As well as the fact that it always (on the ocassions I've witnessed it) ended in tears. Also how do you say to a child don't hit, push, pull etc but wrestling is ok?

OP posts:

hocuspontas · 09/09/2009 17:57

Eeek! What did you say to the teacher?? Did you tell her you didn't like him? And the teacher saying what she did . Hope my children have never been judged to that degree - and within a week!

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cory · 09/09/2009 18:01

And if there is another child in the school whose standards of behaviour happen to be higher than yours in any area, you are presumably quite happy for the teacher and the parent to get together and agree that of course she wouldn't want her precious son to associate with yours?

Original poster

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 18:02

Cory - I guess that is just something my son will have to deal with. Not everyone likes you especially if you do x. Or simply explain to him that every household is different and that that is ok.

Cory and Mrs Ruffalo are you suggesting that I lower my standards?

OP posts:

cory · 09/09/2009 18:05

NO, I am suggesting that you tell your son that he must stick to the standards of your family whatever his friends do. This is something he has to learn. Or else, how on earth do you think he is going to get through life?

This is what I have told my dcs- that I am not lowering my standards but that they can be friends with people with different standards. If they don't learn this in time, they will always struggle morally.

Original poster

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 18:07

Cory, despite your obvious sarcasm, my son is precious to me. But if there was some teacher-parent conlusion about my son I would hope that at some point, in the not too distant future, I would be told about my son's behaviour and then the responsiblity of my son's behaviour would be that of mine and my husband.

OP posts:

cory · 09/09/2009 18:08

You seem to suggest that it is ok to be easily led; it's just a question of being protected from people (other 4-year-olds) who might lead you astray. My message to my dcs has always been that it is not ok to be easily led, and that any misbehaviour that you indulge in, you will have to answer for. But that at the same time you owe other people kindness and friendliness.

Original poster

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 18:09

Cory, you are right children do need to learn about making the right decisions with regards to friends. But I'm not always sure that at 4, nearly 5, they have all the right information, for want of a better phrase.

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Original poster

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 18:10

Cory, I agree with your last post wholeheartedly.

OP posts:

cory · 09/09/2009 18:11

Zola78 Wed 09-Sep-09 18:07:08 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

"Cory, despite your obvious sarcasm, my son is precious to me. But if there was some teacher-parent conlusion about my son I would hope that at some point, in the not too distant future, I would be told about my son's behaviour and then the responsiblity of my son's behaviour would be that of mine and my husband."

Yes, but supposing this was an area of behav iour where you either did not agree with the other parent, or which you did not think was that important. Would you be prepared to change your standards to fit the ideas of this other parent? Or would you think it ok if the other parents ensured that he was ostracised?

lucykate · 09/09/2009 18:11

oh dear. my ds has just started in reception and he wrestles with his friends all the time! ime boys do need a bit of rough and tumble play (as long as they know where to draw a line)

i'm more disturbed by the teachers comments. the teacher should remain completely impartial. i find it quite sad a child can be labeled at school so quickly.

cory · 09/09/2009 18:13

The right information is what we are there to give them, Zola. And in my world, the right information is never going to be "don't play with x because he is rough/naughty etc". For me the right information would be "not all parents think the way I do, but I don't like wrestling/swearing/pushing so I shall expect you not to do that". And then of course come down on them like a ton of brick if they disobey after they've been told.

cory · 09/09/2009 18:16

For instance, my dcs know that I disapprove of them swearing, so have never used a swearword in front of me, and as far as I can gather, do not use them elsewhere either. That is good enough for me. But if I had tried to dissuade them from swearing friends instead of the act of swearing, then I would have stopped some lovely friendships, and, perhaps even more importantly, they would not have been there when their friends really needed them. Which imho is what we all are here for, to be there when needed.

fircone · 09/09/2009 18:16

I think that by and large children tend to make friends with children with similar backgrounds to themselves. It's human nature. The most successful matings are proven to be between those with much in common.

So fear not, I'm sure your ds will find a nice friend or two. If he kisses a few frogs in the meantime, fear not.

Original poster

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 18:16

Cory, it's a completely hypothetical question. Right now I would say I would stick to my standards. But I'm not suggesting my ds never plays or talks with this boy but probably more that their not sat together in class

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mollyroger · 09/09/2009 18:19

bigchris - ds and his friend have been split up for secondary school But they talk on phone every day and meet in town

at the other end of scale, my other ds fell head over heels with a very 'suitable' child from a lovely family who made my heart sink as I worked out he was really manipulative and delighted in getting my son into trouble. It took 2 years of my ds being constantly hurt for him to realise he possibly wasn't the best option for him.
Point is, I didn't dictate, or keep them apart - or ever have to have an excruciating conversation with a defensive other mum about why little Johnny wasn't invited for tea etc. Because eventually, ds worked it out for himself that he could make other choices...

mazzystartled · 09/09/2009 18:19

I think that from what can only be minutes at the playground, you are being way too quick to judge this little boy.

Most little boys like a bit of wrestling. It is a bad idea to frown on it too much.

I'd stop worrying about it and wait and see.

Original poster

Zola78 · 09/09/2009 18:21

I think that we are saying the same thing i.e be friends with everyone but don't copy their 'bad' behaviour.

OP posts:

cory · 09/09/2009 18:22

The hypothetical question was put to make you think about this would actually be the right thing for you to do. Imho the vital thing in the early school years is not for all undesired influence to be limited, but for parents themselves to maintain the very highest moral standards. If you can manage to make them feel that your standards are right and good (in the highest sense of the world) and sensible, then your battle is won.

As for whether they are seated together or not, that will be for the teacher to decide, and she will have to take into account the needs of a whole class of children, not just these particular two. But hopefully this boy will not be in a position to do much wrestling while seated at his desk.

lucykate · 09/09/2009 18:23

it's only day 3 fgs!! at least wait a full week before wearing the judgey pants

mollyroger · 09/09/2009 18:27

If the child comes to your house, you are at liberty to explain ground rules at start of the visit :''we do not hit/fight
We do not swear'' or whatever your house rules are.
Little boys often like to know The Rules and respond well.

At school, teachers have no compunction about splitting up friends in class if they feel either party is likely to distract the other.

So why not give it time and see what happens?

mogs0 · 09/09/2009 19:28

Cory - your post makes so much sense to me and I really wish I'd read it when ds was in nursery and making friends with children whose behaviour I didn't approve of. I'd have saved myself a lot of stressing if I had! I'm not quite so uptight about it now ds is in Yr3 and think I can trust ds' judgement to choose between right and wrong.

piscesmoon · 09/09/2009 19:29

I agree entirely with cory. I have expectations for my DCs and I don't expect them to be led or use others to excuse their own bad behaviour. It is very early days -your DS will learn how to get on with others and choose his friends. Current research shows that boys need rough and tumble and that schools, with mainly female staff, are not allowing for it.
My main argument against HE is that parents get total control over who their DC mixes with-I think that they should be free to make their own. My mother doesn't like some of my friends but I can't see a problem-I'm not expecting her to spend time with them!
I wouldn't encourage the frindship but you can't stop it. Ask other DCs home to tea and make sure that he gets plenty of opportunities to have a wide range of friends.

FrameyMcFrame · 09/09/2009 19:35

OP, I think you should be glad and proud that your DS has found a little friend already. Imagine how you would be feeling now if he was moping around the yard on his own with no friends?

You are going to have to learn the very hard lesson that you cannot interfere with your children's friendships.
You can be the impartial arbitrator during fights, you can support them, talk them through it and help them to make good choices. But anything that happens at school or at other people's houses (bullying excepted), you just don't get a say any more.

You can't make their choices for them, even if they are wrong.

It's all part of letting go which happens to all parents bit by bit over the years. It's a long process and it is not easy!

Good luck!

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