<sigh> how to deal with hitting etc at nursery?

[VulpusinaWilfsuit]

My middle son has always been the chilled one. But he was in big trouble at nursery today for pushing over another child. We were upset and disappointed and had some talks with him, and put one of his toys away as a consequence.

He has been getting in trouble here and there, often because there's a dynamic of three boys who wind each other up, including my son. He's quite a lot taller and older than lots of the other kids and can read already etc.. But the nursery are now running out of ideas apparently and we are not sure how to manage this.

He is starting school in sept and would like this not to happen there. No real option though to pull him out completely before then as lots of work on.

Suggestions please?

I work with pre-schoolers and have found that they all get a bit weird the closer starting school gets.
With some it is wetting themselves, with others it is cheekiness and with others it is getting violent.
Then you get others who go into nuclear meltdown if anyone even looks at them.
I think that your DS will be fine at school, a new routine with new children and different adults will give him enough to contend with. He won't have time for fighting.

You shouldn't have to take him out of nursery, and TBH, I wouldn't worry about it too much.
The staff should be dealing with it and they will have told you, just so that you will be onside and support them in their dealings with the children.
A gang of 3 boys is quite difficult to deal with, sometimes. 2 together is easier. With 3, there is always one who feels left out and trying to be the leader.

Hi W.i.l.f.

Totally agree with what purepurple says - I doubt he'll have any violent issues at school and he's probably just feeling a bit big and different from the smaller ones at nursery which can get frustrating.

I also agree that you should not really do anything more than you have done - obviously support the staff in the way they deal with it and tell him that that sort of behaviour is not acceptable but I don't think there's much point in "doing" anything more (iykwim)

You could always tell him that you'll take him to Old Trafford if he carries on

(why the name change, btw?)

First of all, it's not your job to deal with it at nursery, it's theirs. They will have their ways, their rules, and hopefully they are making it clear to him that it's just not acceptable behaviour and also ensuring the trigger situations don't happen. What do they do in this situation? It isn't great that they are 'running out of ideas', maybe they need to change focus?

The other thing is that hitting can come as a result of stress, I mean any stress, not direct boys-fighting stress. And they're at an age where anything can stress them out BUT they can't talk about it/analyse it etc, hence the reaction. DS got stressed by things like: having a plan and not being able to follow it/the rush of activity when people were putting on their coats/having the attention on him if they sang his name at circle time...

We were counselled to give ds as much input on recognising emotions and little tricks to deal with them. Basically, the ed psych (oh yes it got that bad) gave us advice that was identical to 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen etc. We worked together with the nursery and it really helped. We also held ds back a year (Scotland). TBH I think time is as much a cure as anything else, he has grown up a lot in the past 6 months.

And the thoughts of school are probably quite stressful too - it's a change, some kids do not DO change well, and even though DS is quite happy to be going, he has the odd shut-down moment. So we are plugging away with the vocabulary for emotions and yes we feel a bit ridiculous but it does seem to help.

Thanks all for your helpful advice. Maybe I am over-worrying, but they said that if it carries on he'll basically have to be sort of 'on report'

I had a word with them just last week explaining that he has just moved into a 'big bed' from his little one, got rid of his dummy and has been for school visits etc. So could they take that into account etc... And we've also talked with them a number of times about this 3-way dynamic. The other two boys are going to a different school, and they constantly make a big deal about it (how DS isn't etc) which upsets him. One of the boys is a little livewire and him and my son seem to be a bad influence on each other. We have asked - again and again - for DS to be separated from them (the staff often comment on how well he behaves on the days the other boys aren't in ) and for him to be given more 'responsibility' and 'jobs' to encourage him to feel proud of being older and a bit 'different' to the others (he will be 5 in early Sept, some of the other kids are just 3...).

I do think the staff are working really hard with him and are doing some brilliant stuff, but they aren't cracking it. I even made a suggestion about 'collective' rewards, like a jar of magic stones etc. Perhaps it went down like a lead balloon.

Ho hum.

Squonk! Have been Lupusina for a while. Posted some stuff about work which was a bit too revealing so wanted to, um, confuddle my identity a bit! How're you? And ROFL at OT: yes, that would be punishment indeed. I'm so looking forward to seeing Tevez run out in the Derby

REally Len, I can't. Will watch from afar. I clearly have an IT-addicted personality...

Sorry to hijack, but interested to read a few posters commenting on children's behaviour can go a bit 'weird' in the weeks before starting school. DD (4.9) has been tantrumming on and off for the last few weeks - I'm sure it could be pre-starting school anxiety.

Also, Pruneurs, interested in what you say about giving your ds the vocabulary for emotions - how do you do this? Any examples?

Vulpusina sorry you are upset about your son. I also work with Pre-School and can confirm they all go a bit loopy at this time of year.
Having said that, the nursery should have a "Behaviour Management" Policy and a member of staff in charge of this kind of thing. Pushing another child/not sharing/snatching etc are really daily occurances. Staff should be well used to this and have a range of strategies to deal with different children. If you are not happy ask to speak to the manager.

TravellerinTIme: it's basically the same as "How To Talk So Kids WIll Listen" - good book, excruciating to follow but can work well, we have had success with it. Give it a google.

DS really didn't want to go to nursery this morning: refused to get dressed, including not putting his wellies on (I made him walk from the car in his socks ) and clinging on to me.

He cried and cried. Nursery leader was very nice to him but wouldn't really engage in any notion of separating the three boys (which I think is the only thing which will work). She said that if he didn't play with them, he'd only be able to play with even younger children.

I don't know what else to say to the room staff. This week it has just flipped from him being caught up in a dodgy dynamic, to him being perceived as THE problem. I think I will try to pick him up early today. And maybe I need to speak to the manager. I dunno. What else can we do? He has a star chart already but it all seems a bit past that.