Advice needed: I've just caught 7yo DS trying to use my credit card secretly to join bloody Club Penguin...

[scampadoodle]

He'd been nagging us to buy a membership but we said, firmly, No (none of his friends are members btw). Last night & this morning I found my purse in the study where my computer is, I challenged DS1 & he admitted that he was going to use the credit card to buy the membership. I was I am normally a shouty mummy but I was so upset by this that I stayed v calm & DS was v contrite - said sorry & hugged me. I told him how wrong it was & that I was v upset & didn't want to feel I couldn't trust him. TBH, i thought I wouldn't have to deal with this situation until he was a teenager.

So far the punishment is:
No more Club Penguin
He's not allowed to use my imac in the study.
When he uses his dad's old laptop it has to be with an adult present in the room.

I don't know if that's enough. I feel that morally, it's the tip of a very slippery slope. What do others think?

Also ime if you DO have a really good reason -

we just can't afford it, I'm sorry, please play without membership

or

erm

can't think of any others. Then they do accept it. But the onus is on you to listen and be reasonable and not to expect blind compliance to your wishes

Crikey my ds (7) knows exactly what a credit card does
The boy withdrew his money from the school bank because they didn't pay interest (and then harangued the poor girl on the Barclays bank counter who tried to fob him off with a crap piggy bank/sponser a otter fun pack

Let him earn his pocket money to pay for club penguin.

(my bank stuff/ebay is all password protected following the Match Attax incident)

But if you can't afford it then say why

Proper reasons not just no

Tis a proper life lesson

I disagree that it was because you were too strict, there have to be boundaries. If no membership to club p is your boundary then stick to it. I feel a 2 week ban would probably suffice though.

I do however think that cornsilks idea of a pre pay card is great.

My v strict SIL gave her girls membership for their birthday present.

My DD is, luckily, ok with no membership and a the restricted chat facility. I may be popping into the disney store and suggesting she use her pocket money to buy a card for the hols though. My objection really is that I would rather she was reading, playing outside, chatting to me, playing with her DB or dog/rabbit/various other pets or helping out. The PC is in my office and I cannot sit watching her all the time.

Yes, agree with sagacious. and I love the story of haranguing re junior piggy bank.

Yes. 7 is when it starts to change a bit again, you need to say why and show you listen and understand his wants. Otherwise you will be in for trouble later imo

but what's the point in arbitrary boundaries? They are pointless. Just exercises in power and invitations to be beaten down as stupid in the first place.

present is a good idea. But you'd have needed to have said that before.

Gosh, I think some of you are being a bit hard on me!

CP is about £100 a year, isn't it? I agree that it's well moderated but he is obsessed with it, and a neighbour who let her son become a member said she really regretted it because he was never off the computer (and I know you will say, Then set limits, but even doing that creates such a battleground).

Badgers: I actually quite resent you insinuating that there is a communication problem between my child & myself. I knew exactly how much he wanted to do it, but I disagreed. He constantly wants stuff - sometimes I say yes, sometimes no. Often when I say yes, 5 minutes later he is harassing me for something else. (eg Match Attax cards: He wants some. I buy a couple of packets. Later the same day, he is whining and moaning for more! Same with GoGos.) I don't not think there is anything wrong in trying to teach your child that there are limits. Believe me, they have plenty have stuff. DS1 is a marketing person's dream, he is incredibly suggestible & DH & I try to teach him that not everything is worth having, and the value of money.

I agree, a lifetime ban is too harsh. I have commuted it to a couple of weeks

It is £3.95 a month What is that £47 per annum - ish?

Join for a montha adn see how he does, he is your son not your neighbours son!

Don't mean to be harsh.

Yes, you DO need to set limits though don't you? It's not all the fault of the advertisers. If there's yes and then sometimes 'no' then he might as well try it on all the time. I mean, clearly he's like this too - it's nobodies fault.

But maybe there is something to explore in the ways you are saying 'yes' and 'no' and why - and how understandable they are to him and to you too?

Good commute to two weeks. If you do give him the option to earn his membership - this earning principle v. good and empowering for whiners ime - then definitely set computer time limits and STICK TO THEM and tell him if he kicks up then he's off for the rest of the week etc.

do you think?

There were a few posts while I was writing the last one:

I did give him proper reasons for saying no!

1)He spends too much time on the computer as it is

2)There is plenty of free web content without having to pay for it (though I agree CP is wholesome, & ad-free, & well-moderated)

3. I thought it too expensive (I'm sure it's more than £4 per month, but maybe I'm wrong).

I'm afraid I'm one of those parents who doesn't automatically buy their children something from a gift shop on a day out - I do occasionally but I want them to learn it's not a given.

But Yespecan, does that mean I either have to say Yes all the time or No all the time? Why can't I say Yes sometimes but No other times and tell him why? How else can he learn to discriminate?

1. isn't a reason. It's an opinion. YOUR opinion. If he spends too much time on the computer that's your responsibility not his

It's only £37.95 for a year.

I think EARNING might be the way to go? Do you?

If he's got some power over raising money to feed his wants, he might not go on at you so much? Also you have nice stock answer 'well if you want it, you can always hoover the sitting room' or some such?

It is def £3.95 per month.

Your choices are your choices and you do not have to give them CP membership if you don't want to! I was more responding to your slippery slope comment than anything, please don't think this is something terrible, what he has done is not that bad really, it just shows how strongly he feels! If I were you I would be tempted to put it on the list of things he can earn/get for a gift/holiday treat or whatever seeing as it is clearly important to him but you don't have to!

My comment about being your son not your neighbours was more to do with the fact that the way it affects your neighbours son is not going to be the way it affects yours! My dc certainly are not chained to the computer because of their membership!

I mean to get pocket money, rather than in exchange for you to buy it!

This will then also allow for occasional lapses of generosity on your part - which he will be pleased by and will feel like a real treat.

Soupdragon, that is only if you pay for a year in one go - I like having it as a monthly bargining chip

You can do it month by month. You do end up signing up for a direct debit from your credit card but it can be cancelled at any time. (And thus used as a sanction if it comes to that!)

Agree re monthly bargaining tool.

Also you could set 'screen times' when he's allowed on a screen. We do this. It causes ructions at first, but you can stand firm, and then it works.

Everyone happy

Reality, I said no for ages for the reasons you have given above (except they didn't have a mag subscription). My dc accepted it and left it alone - that is why I relented in the end andworked out how they could earn their membership each month - instead of a mag subscription. If they had tantrumed and complained I would not have relented - no is no, if they accept that then I am happy to be flexiable on my terms, if they do not I become completly inflexiable. End of [tough mummy emoticon]

We cancelled Dr Who mag and started Club Penguin. Dr Who mag has gone hopelessly devoid of content in the last few months...And the house is overflowing with dalek pens and cyberman masks.

Well I guess you just work out where the lines are. The thing I was responding to was listening to their wants and weighing them up, and showing you respect it - because then you can expect some respect in return ime

Her ds didn't respect her saying 'no' because he thought, oh well, I'll go do it anyway.

Yespecan - As I said before, he's an early riser. I can hardly monitor him if he is getting up at 5.30 and going on the computer. I can tell him not to, but then it gets back to saying No, doesn't it? Which some of you seem to find unacceptable.

Look, I posted this because I wanted some advice as to a suitable punishment, not a lecture in touchy-feely parenting. I accepted his apology, I agreed with some of you re being harsh so shortened the ban, but I still do not think I am wrong to say No to some stuff - I always say why. DS1's general behaviour is challenging and to be frank, I find parenting a struggle & think I do a shit job most of the time. Thanks for confirming my opinion.

Sorry guys, that was a bit of a flounce... He gets Match of the Day mag every week, which is nearly £8 a month, plus pocket money £1 a week, and Gogos and Match Attax and ice creams and the occasional McD etc. If I could get him say, a couple of Match Attax packs & a pack of Gogos a week (as well as the other stuff) that would be fine, but once he's got that he just nags and nags and nags for more, then has a tantrum. I agree with Reality - once he starts screaming at me, that's it.

I'm just so tired of it, it's constant (and DS2 is almost as bad)