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Parenting

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Original poster

advice please - husband and I totally disagree and will be led by general consensus on mumsnet!

28 replies

dcgc · 15/07/2009 18:11

DS is 15 weeks old and up until a couple of weeks ago we used a dummy (very successfully) to get him to sleep. I say up until a couple of weeks ago because I got so fed up of going back in to him to put it back in everytime it fell out that we stopped using it. This is my first baby and as such I have read a couple of books as to what to expect/what the "right" things to do are. As we are no longer using the dummy I have taken to resting my hand on his chest and gently rocking him from side to side (in his cot) and 9 times out of ten this sends him off to sleep within a couple of minutes. Hubby doesn't do this and the result is DS gets overtired and screams for up to half and hour (something I don't let him do if I'm around at bed time). Hubby thinks that if I rock him to sleep everytime then DS won't learn how to go to sleep and will become reliant on me getting him to sleep. I disagree and am more than prepared to spend a couple of minutes at bed time/nap time rocking him if it means he gets to sleep without screaming. This is becoming a bone of contention so I'd really appreciate your opinions to save any further domestics! Thanks in advance (grin)

OP posts:

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bedjumper · 15/07/2009 18:18

does he wake in night for rocking and patting like he used to with dummy?
if not then you are onto a winner, so stick with it, dh being a nob

yomellamoHelly · 15/07/2009 18:19

Think I agree with your dh. In your position think I'd stop as ds starts nodding off and leave him to settle himself that last bit (leaving the room). If he then doesn't go to sleep I'd repeat the process and so on. That way he doesn't learn that he needs you to sleep and potentially keeps your evening free.

ButterbeerAndLemon · 15/07/2009 18:20

I favour rocking to sleep at this age if it works. Self-settling is something that different babies learn at different ages and while you can potentially encourage it you can't force a baby who isn't ready to learn to self-settle. IME it isn't actually that difficult at all to transition away from rocking when they are older, whatever the dire warnings of the books may be.

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hobbgoblin · 15/07/2009 18:23

If you are both happy to spend the time rocking then it's fine, because it will become something he associates with settling. If you are not then you have to do something different.

I was a behaviour management/sleep coach/parent coach sort of person before I did th ejob I do now and that is my personal and professional opinion.

shootfromthehip · 15/07/2009 18:24

Well we rocked our LO to sleep and it went on until she was 18mths and it was terrible. I'm with your DH here, sorry.

Bicnod · 15/07/2009 18:24

He's still really little and IMHO needs the reassurance of mummy or daddy being near him when he's going to sleep - or at least to know that mummy or daddy will come if he cries.

my DS (first baby as well) is nearly 12 weeks old and we're weaning him off his dummy as well. I do exactly what you do as does DH. Sometimes if he's really unsettled we even let him sleep in with us

I've been persuaded by the research that shows letting babies cry and cry when they are young can be damaging, but that responding to their cries results in more settled babies/children in the long term...

Go with your instincts - that's what I'm learning... trust yourself x x

luckylady74 · 15/07/2009 18:30

At 15 weeks you do what ever works - crying for 30 minutes suggests that your method is better. Babies of 15 weeks need their parents for comfort and it's inconvenient in the night, but not unreasonable of the baby really is it?
This stage will not last forever - at some point you'll all sleep through the night promise.

llynnnn · 15/07/2009 18:34

at 15 weeks old i would say that its too early to leave him to cry and make him learn how to fall asleep, theres plenty of time for that once they are a bit more aware. i would def spend the couple of minutes reassuring him and settling

hth!

hobbgoblin · 15/07/2009 18:34

Babies also need their parents not to be utterly frazzled. There are gentle ways of enabling self settling, it does not have to mean lots of crying.

Waswondering · 15/07/2009 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo · 15/07/2009 18:39

Whoever puts him to bed the most gets to have the final say in how it is done in my opinion.

ButterbeerAndLemon · 15/07/2009 18:39

But if OP has already, at 15 weeks, successfully got rid of the dummy and has her DS settling with just a couple of minutes of a light rocking hand on his chest then she seems well down the road towards self-settling to me.

Original poster

dcgc · 15/07/2009 18:52

Thanks guys, really appreciate your speedy responses. Will have further discussions with DH tonight! I just think, for me, it is so much easier to spend a couple of (stress free) minutes at bedtime gently rocking rather than try to endure listening to him screaming
(which has, on the very few occasions I've endured it, never worked)! Sometimes he doesn't even need it too, it tends to be when he gets overtired that he needs a little extra help. Anyway, thanks again.

OP posts:

Colonelcupcake · 15/07/2009 19:45

Hi, hope the settling goes well I think you should carry on doing it but try and not do it until he is actually asleep just nearly dropping and then if you want to you can gradually reduce how long you do it for and then just have a hand there then just be there etc

cornsilk · 15/07/2009 19:47

If you don't mind rocking him then do it. He's still very small. You could carry on with it and reduce it when he's a bit older.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 15/07/2009 19:50

I think whatever works! It's just not worth making life harder for yourself! It's easier to teach them to settle by themselves when they're a bit older. It's a couple of minutes out of your day. Does your husband want to 'win', or does he want a child who goes to sleep nicely and doesn't scream the place down? I can't help feeling it just doesn't matter enough to make a battle out of it. Rock the child. Let him go to sleep feeling nice and safe, rather than anxious.

angel1976 · 15/07/2009 19:51

Just because you rock your DS to sleep soon doesn't mean you will be doing it forever. I rocked DS to sleep till he was 6-7 months old, then I started the shush-pat method and by 9-10 months old, he was self-settling very quick to bed himself. At 17 months old, he has a bottle in his cot with his blankie. Once he finishes and I get the bottle from him and say goodnight to him, he turns over and goes straight to bed. Do what works now. You will find your DS will change as he gets older and you will be able to do 'less' to help him get to sleep...

HighOnDieselAndGasoline · 15/07/2009 19:55

I agree with you that it is not worth getting too het up about self-settling at this age.

I rocked DD to sleep until very recently (16 months). I then got her to self settle using the Penelope Leach method of saying goodnight, and going back in when she cried, saying goodnight, and leaving again (repeat as necessary). It took about 30 minutes the first night, 10 the second, and then she settled like a dream.

So just because you are rocking your DS now, does not mean that he will never be able to get to sleep on his own.

hobbgoblin · 15/07/2009 19:59

But this isn't a rock to sleep versus self settle debate. We need to know if DH is happy to spend HIS time rocking because that can be as knackering and frustrating as other methods to some. This is about the needs of all 3 people concerned, and then balancing them.

BitOfFun · 15/07/2009 20:01

I think a firm skewering motion should do the trick.

HighOnDieselAndGasoline · 15/07/2009 20:02

Very true, Hobbgoblin. Perhaps the OP could try the method I suggest as a middle path?

BitOfFun · 15/07/2009 20:02

Sorry, wrong thread.

As you were.

belgo · 15/07/2009 20:06

fantastic mis-post BitOfFun.

LenniEd · 15/07/2009 20:11

Don't you just love it when someone does that PMSL. And got

LenniEd · 15/07/2009 20:14

I'd carry on with the rocking but try to leave him before he falls asleep. And if you find he is waking a lot needing re-settling then maybe think about stopping the rocking then. At 15wo there is a lot going to change before you get to your end game iyswim, esp with your first, you are still evolving and deciding what is and isn't right for your family.

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