Unconditionally parenting friend with terrifyingly behaved child - not sure how to deal with it. Longish

[AirPieandWindyPudding]

I have namechanged!

I have been spending time with this friend and her 5yo DS (and now baby DD) for a while and while I like them, the5yo can be very violent, as well as difficult in various other ways (eg screaming and kicking everything if he doesn't get his own way, being verbally extremely rude etc.) His mum has only ever responded by comforting him - I have never once heard her explain to him that any kind of behaviour is undesirable, let alone tell him not to. Often when he has behaved violently or nastily he is very upset and wants a lot of comfort and attention.

I do realise he may have SN (though nothing officially). In fact I am not sure whether the parenting has led to or encouraged his behaviour or is perhaps partly a result of it - ie he can't be controlled so she doesn't try.

However I'm finding it really difficult that both I and DS are the victims of his violence and nothing is done. She will say sorry to us but she won't tell him to say sorry or tell him it's wrong.

She hasn't said she is doing UP as such but she has talked about her parenting views conflicting with other people's and it is definitely a deliberate policy. I have been reading up on UP to try to understand it and while I agree with many of the basic tenets eg mutual respect and understanding, it does seem to me that it can be taken too far. What really upsets me is the message being sent to us, especially my DS - that it is OK for this boy to hit him, throw sand in his eyes etc. I have to reassure my DS that it is not, while avoiding openly criticising what's going on. It is also of course difficult that my DS gets very different responses from me as I am more of the "Oi! you do NOT hit, that hurt X, say sorry and if that happens again we will have to go home" school of parenting - not aggressive but a lot firmer and clearer. (BTW I am not saying I'm better than her. obviously I choose the kind of parenting I think is best but who knows what is best really - I'm not claiming to be an expert, i just want to be able to manage this)

I know that some other people have started avoiding them and she is becoming isolated, and exhausted with the baby as well, and I wonder if she is actually depressed (from other signs I have noticed).

I would love to hear your advice if you've been in a similar situation - should I ever say anything, to him or to her, and how? How would you deal with it when he's violent?

I agree that it sounds like the little boy is confused and desperately needs boundaries.
And surely if he carries on like this then a bigger kid is going wallop him back one day. Have you asked your friend how she'd feel about her ds being hit?

I strongly urge you to get your friend to see a doctor about her depression. She isn't seeing things clearly, and will end up with no friends, as will her son. His life will be miserable at school as he won't be able to cope with their methods of discipline.

From what you write, your friend sounds as though her depression is making her think her approach to dealing with the little boy is right and everyone else is wrong. She seems not to see that, as long as she's been doing it, his behaviour is getting worse, and others are suffering because of that. I would go so far as to suggest that the boy knows that there is something wrong with mummy and is more volatile as a result, he's desperate for the security that comes from knowing she will give him boundaries and enforce them. Instead she just cuddles him, which must be better than no response at all to him.

Do talk without the children present, you can't concentrate when you're wondering when the next hit will land! You sound very caring, she doesn't realise how lucky she is that you haven't just walked away and left her to it.