Anyone read the Guardian Family piece today about having a second child?

[alittleteapot]

Gist of it is she fell out of love with her first born straight away when second child born and had to work really hard to get he love back.

Made me cry! But I am 26 weeks pregnant with second child and crying at anything.

Did it ring bells with people? I'm already nervous about my how it will affect my first child when no 2 comes along but this was another angle on it that freaked me out a bit!

all right, so big sister did take the skin off little brother's back with her crutch the other week, but they are still really cute together

all right, so big sister did take the skin off little brother's back with her crutch the other week, but they are still really cute together

Thanks cory, they are lovely examples, I hope I get some stories like that to share in a few years.

Set me off again!!!

Quite the opposite for me.

I went through a kind of bereavement when DS was born. I mourned the fact that DD wasn't a baby anymore and and wondered who this 'imposter' was.

Fortunately, it didn't last long and these days I adore them equally

Please don't worry about this. There are so many things to worry about (if you're the worrying kind like me) at each stage of your children's life, but this needn't be one of them.

I didn't experience this at all, even though I had PND after having both DDs. I remember feeling guilty about DD1 when DD2 was a newborn because of the amount of time a small baby demands of you, but that was all. In fact I remember thinking that I definitely loved DD2 but I felt a closer bond to DD1 for some time because we had had a lot more time to develop our relationship.

Five years on (DD1 is 10 and DD2 is 5) I can quite honestly say that I love them completely equally, but they are practically opposites, so I appreciate them in different ways. It's nice having the difference and yet knowing you would willingly die for either of them.

I suspect this is another example of Guardian journalists over egging the pudding as they can't think of an article this week.

I certainly feel on occasion that DS1 is getting in the way of my cooing of DS2 and he does seem suddenly huge with legs flying everywhere. But I certainly don't love him any less.

Obviously your relationship changes as he is no longer the centre of your world but it's not life changing. It also tends to coincide with the annoying toddler stage where they start making irritating noises and throwing themselves on the floor.

I did comment to a friend a few weeks ago that having 2 kids was great as if one was being really annoying you have the other to fall back on.

Having said all of that, today DS1 made DS2 (4 months) laugh more than he has ever laughed before all the way round the supermarket. Lots of people turned to look as they both sounded so happy.

I didn't fall out of love with DS at all when DD was born. He did start irritating me more (I think it's easy to subconsciously expect them suddenly to grow up several notches at a time when their life has gone through a huge change and if anything they are going to need to regress for a while), and there were a few points when he started playing up really badly where I thought "I love you more than life itself, but I'm not sure I like you very much right now". And it took an investment of time devoted him to get past that aspect of things, I think. But it was the fact that I loved him just as much as ever that meant we could handle the friction points.

DH, on the other hand, really wasn't all that bothered about DD for a few months. I think as pp said she needed to "earn her stripes" with him.

DS was besotted with DD right from the beginning and I loved watching them together. The two of them together are still my favourite moments; DS is clearly DD's favourite person in the world and is the object of her only two-word phrase so far ("Hello [DS's name (or a reasonable attempt at it)]") and they giggle away together at things that only the under-sixes would find funny.

'I suspect this is another example of Guardian journalists over egging the pudding as they can't think of an article this week.'

It is true that 'had a bit of an off day today, got over it' isn't going to win you any prizes for journalism. Or much money.

eep - this is one of the things I fear about having another. It is one on hand good to know that other people do really experience it but bad to know because it means it could happen to me.

Still, I think forewarned is forearmed, so I shall be on guard against it, if/when we manage to have a second baby.

I think different people react differently and there is no way if knowing how you will feel until it actually happens.

I love both my DDs equally but DD1 (aged 2.9yo) is still my dare I say it favourite. DD2 (aged 6mo) is great but I am just not a baby person!

DD1 is DD2's favourite person and they just adore each other. DD2 likes to climb into DD2's cot so they can pull at the toys on the mobile together whilst DD1 tells DD2 all about them.

Both were born early and started life in NICU. Both were special babies who have developed none of the problems early predictions heralded.

But being home with DD2 without DD1 around would have been much harder. DD1 is at such a fun age and is so much fun to be with.

I don't feel guilty about my feelings - as DD2 gets older she is more interested in stuff around her and becomes more interesting too. They are both easy-going, smiley girls and we are such a 'girlie gang' (in the words of DD1).

Don't let the possibility of what might happen put you off having another one.
It's a short term thing whilst they are small.

It is DD1 who does the climbing into the cot. DD2 is not THAT advanced!

OP, to calm your freaking out, this article didn't ring any bells with me AT ALL. I just can't relate to it.

DS1 was 22 months when DS2 was born. Sure, I thought he was huge compared to his baby brother. Sure, going from one to two is tough.

But falling out of love with him? Just didn't happen.

Yes, go for it thumbwitch. None of our lives would be nearly so rich without DD2, and our girls are very close.

Time can seem to pass very slowly if you're in a bit of a rut at first, but it's the tiniest fraction of a lifetime of love and pleasure.

By 'our' I obviously mean our family - I like to think that she makes the world a better place, but I appreciate that you might not all have noticed.

I didn't get this with my 2nd but sort of did with my 3rd, I was quite overwhelmed with my feelings for dd3 and for ages my feelings for the other two (4 and 2 at the time) were much less intense than my feelings for the youngest. I didn't resent or not love the older two, but was surprised how strong my feelings were for the 3rd. Even now I'm suspectible to favouring her though. No idea why, she's not that special, but I have a huge soft spot for her.

What irritated me about the article though was the pretense that no woman has ever admitted such a thing before - I mean I have a shelf full of books critiquing or debunking myths about idealised motherhood, don't these journalist women read anything themeselves? Feminist literature is full of examples of imperfect mothers with varieties of imperfect feelings for their children.

pretence, not pretense...

I could very much relate to this article (it made me want to cry), although I would say I had more awareness of what was happening than the author. I did feel that I loved dd less after ds was born and would happily have given her away at times. However, unlike the author of this article I quickly became aware that if I didn't change my behaviour towards dd our relationship would be irrevocably ruined.

I'd like to add that I think it is a good thing that articles like this get written as I felt like a freak for wanting to abandon dd in the supermarket if she disappeared down another aisle. We are sold this myth that we will love our babies/children unconditionally and without question and it isn't always like that. It is good to know that other people have felt the way that I did and I wish I had known before having a second dc that it doesn't always feel like there is enough love to go around.

Things are fine now between dd and I now though, thankgoodness.

OP and other pg women:

I can't relate to this article either so don't worry too much. DS was 24 months when DD was born and he was absolutely thrilled with her. Loved her from day 1 and still does (she's 15m, he's 3 now). He shares his food and his toys with her and I love them both equally.

I think its the realisation that number 1 does not need you in the same way as a new born. I felt awful gulit at first and that DD1 was angry with me and didn't love me as much. Then i realised that she is 2 and not capable of such feelings and nothing had changed.
I have been very lucky and DD1 LOVES ds to bits with no appearance of the green eyed monster at all.
I love them both differently as I love them for the little people they are with different traits and personalities.

I saw this thread last night and read the article this morning. I didn't feel exactly like that but I can understand how people could all too well. I went back to work when DS1 was 10 months and realised I was pregnant again less than 3 months later, a few weeks after his first birthday. Gradually as I got very tired and ill dp started taking on more of looking after him. DS2 was born in early February, with a gap of 21 months between them. I'd never spent a night apart from ds1 before ds2, but had ds2 at night by emergency CS and was kept in for 3 further nights, then we only had 2 nights at home before returning for another 9 nights as ds2 lost a lot of weight due to feeding problems and they wouldn't let us go home until he began to gain.

While I think I love ds1 even more now, and he gets to be more fun every day, I am keen to get closer to him again. Often I have to hold, feed etc ds2 while dp does the running around with ds1, reads him stories (something I really miss), takes him to get the paper at the weekend and to the toddler toy library/music session at the library, puts him to bed etc.

It doesn't have to be like that article or that book but I think parents need to be prepared for their own feelings as well as their children's.

I certainly feel that DS2 is more 'my baby' than DS1. As he was our first, and the first baby in our family for a long time, he got all of our attention.

DS2 gets much less, he got far fewer presents when he was born and everyone wants to play with DS1, look after him while I take care of the baby. DH has certainly had a lot less interaction with DS2 than he had the first time round.

As a result I feel far more protective towards him and overcompensate.

That said, he gets far less attention from me as I'm careful that DS1 isn't pushed out. As a result, it almost feels like I'm having an office affair with DS2 (I have never had one I hasten to add). I wait until DS1 is at nursery or in bed and then shower him with affection and attention.

There'll be plenty to keep the therapists busy

I think most toddlers are huge and awkward anyway but having a newborn empahasises that. I only have one dd but i mourn the loss of the newborn stage. nature needs mum to bond with the new baby. it dosn't mean you don't love your oldest. i am a bit snappy with dd when she's being trying as she is capable of far more destruction than when she was small. toddlers need boundaries so don't feel bad about protecting your newborn from the sometimes clumsyness of an older child. in the end everyone will benefit if your oldest learns how to treat the baby gently.

i fell MORE in love with dd1 because i could see that she was trying so hard to budge along and make room for dd2.
dd2 was prem and although we were only in hospital for ten days i HATED being away from dd1, felt like i had turned her life upside down. she was such a good sport about her new sister, and at 2 and a half could pick her up easily (dd2 only 4lb 1oz so much lighter than the doll she'd bought her sister when she was born). so a few heart-stopping moments on that front but i was the eldest of four so i know that babies are hardy little things and don't get broken by siblings.
i was concerned that i might see dd1 differently after the new baby came along, and i did, but only in the respect that i was even more impressed with her kindness and strength of character. fear not.

I thought it was an interesting article but a bit of a rehash of her book about parenting two children (Three shoes, one sock and no hairbrush, 2001).

I shared some of her experiences in terms of her feelings about parenting two children.

I don't think the journalists were short of something to write about. It seemed to me as if she was just plugging her new book!!!