Anyone read the Guardian Family piece today about having a second child?

[alittleteapot]

Gist of it is she fell out of love with her first born straight away when second child born and had to work really hard to get he love back.

Made me cry! But I am 26 weeks pregnant with second child and crying at anything.

Did it ring bells with people? I'm already nervous about my how it will affect my first child when no 2 comes along but this was another angle on it that freaked me out a bit!

Sounds like she had postnatal depression to me. I sincerely hope this is not the norm as I love my 3 year old girl to bits and could not bear to not love her like I do.

The article actually made me cry. but like the OP I am pg too and a bit weepy at a lot of things

We are TTC no2 at the moment and I HATE the newborn stage but am loving 11 month old DS1, I am worried when/if no2 comes along I just won't be interested in he/she because I much prefer children at 6months+.

I think EVERYONE worries to some extent about how the dynamics are going to change within the family and it effects each family differently. But they usually muddle thru

Don't be put off, Eyeballs. There are so many moments of pure bliss when they are playing together, or cuddling up in bed, or just being THEM but doing it together iykwim. Makes it all worthwhile.

I might have struggled with the relationships going on THEY never did and absolutely adore each other.

Go make another one, right now!

Well I think the point is it's different for everyone and for her to be suggesting that her behavior is the within the norm range of reactions in order to sell her book is quite alarming actually.

Have just read the article and it has made me sad. Yes, there are definitely things to which I can relate.

Even now that DS is 5 I still feel guilty when I see toddlers who are the same age as he was (20 mths) when DD was born. He was so little; I made him grow up too quickly. I didn't get to enjoy him learning to talk, count, etc because I was absorbed with DD who was a very clingy baby.

I found the first year very hard.

malfoy - I also feel very guilty still when I look at dd1 even though she's a happy, healthy five year old. I feel very protective of her.

It's really not a normal way to react after the birth of your second child. The feelings I experienced were not normal - I probably did have PND (a friend suggested that I did) but I remember thinking that no one could do anything to help even if i was diagnosed with PND.

And judging by this thread, it's actually quite a rare feeling to have.

It's true that your first born quadruples in size in the time you're away having the baby.

I'm sorry to read that so many people relate so well to the artical. To reassure the OP and Eyeballs I'll add that it wasn't my experience at all. I loved my 2nd born right from the start, but only in a fierce, animal, protective way. Nothing like the precious adoration I had spent 2 years growing with my 1st born.

In fact, I felt almost impatient to get to know and love and like ds in the same way. I was looking forward to growing the same relationship with the new baby that I already had with my girl.

Having suffered with PND after the birth of my first and not at all after DC2, I don't think this awkward relationship with your firstborn is necessarily linked to PND.

I felt on top of the world after having DD2 - totally euphoric and invincible for several months afterwards, and not a bit depressed. I had such a rush of love with my second baby, in fact, that it left me feeling irritated and annoyed with my firstborn, who was suddenly not my PFB, but a big cumbersome 3 yr old boy next to my dinky, smiley, easy little baby DD.

MrsMattie - the writer of the article did not have just awkwardness. She had something much more serious and devastating to her and her relationship with daughter. She talked about feeling like her like had been re-organised and she did not know how to find her way around it. I certainly expect DD and my relationship to change, of course it will, there will be a new baby and the family dynamic will alter, but thats the point of adding to the family isn't it? To improve/change/develop/extend. That cannot not have an impact, and some awkwardness and readjustment is inevitable, but to feel out of love with the first child does not feel like how it normally is?

Pavlov - exactly. it's not just about an awkward realtionship, it's not just about feeling your eldest child is big, clumsy, no longer cute (because my eldest child was still very petite and incredibly cute).

It does seem as though there is not much understanding of this problem if you haven't experienced it, and that unfortunately make mothers who experience it feel even more guilty and more freakish.

I dont really agree with anything that this author says, I read her older book on a recommendation but found it incredibly negative (suddenly amazon feedback has brightened up now she is releasing anew book )

She speaks about not leaving the house for months after her second child, which I found quite self indulgent as i was out and about getting on with life within days because I had to, nobody else was going to do it but that was the same with my first

She does sound like she had a terrible birth though and I wonder from some comments if she had a touch of PTS or perhaps PND, which after such an experience wouldnt be altogether surprising, and I suppose discovering the details of the birth (not mentioned in the first book) has made me soften to her

But then maybe im one of the mums that makes the ones not coping feel terrible by managing, I dont think i am as im permanently flustered and loose my teper in the supermarket sometimes but perhaps I cant see it from the other side

I felt something similar to this but not to such an extent. I still loved my DD but I found coping with two young children very hard at first (mainly as I was living far away from friends and family and DH worked long hours) and DS was easier to handle than DD who was 2 and a half so going through that difficult phase anyway plus she was jealous of her new brothers arrival. My relationship with her definitely changed but I think it had to slighty so their was room for DS in our family. 2 and a half years later and I love having two kids - wouldn't have it any other way. It was hard for the first 6 months though and I do relate to this article but I think her experience was more of an extreme (possibly PND fuelled) one than mine!

I didn't feel this at all with any of mine.I would sometimes get a bit exasperated with the big one for being a bit rough or whatever, and certainly found having 2, then 3, then 4, very hard work sometimes and sometimes the whole situation put me into a pit of despair - but never fell out of love with them at all. I read this and I don't think it's "normal" to have such an extreme reaction. I don't think women expecting their second baby should worry that this is a normal reaction. If this happens I think the best thing to do is to recognise it is not a normal reaction and get some help asap. The writer had big problems giving birth and this sounded to me like PND of a sort - or some other sort of depression?

I do agree though, that in a less extreme way sometimes you can lose touch with a child a bit and have to work at the relationship - I found that a very positive aspect of the article as I have had times when my dd1 was younger when we didn't get on at all and eventually the penny dropped and I realised I had to work a bit harder at getting on with her and now we have (generally) a very good relationship.

I think some deeper, darker feelings than some of us care to admit can bubble away under the surface when you have a second child. Doesn't mean you are depressed. That's all I meant.

I too echo the feelings of the article. I have admitted it on here before but I was so irritated with my DS when DD was born. I still loved him and would have done anything for him but I did not enjoy being with this loud energetic whirlwind who was being difficult but normal. I resented the time he took away from my gorgeous snuggly newborn DD.

I also had PND but I dont think that caused this - but it didnt half exacerbate the guilt I felt over it. It passed but it took time to settle down and he is my gorgeous big boy. What a few people said to me at the time though was that although you will always love your children the same at different times you may enjoy or like being with one more than the other - its only human nature to enjoy being with someone more who is easier.

Dont get me wrong I didnt hate my DS or not want to be with him - I just wanted to do that bonding thing with DD where you dont move from the sofa all day. And DD was a real joy of a baby - literally did not cry and loved cuddles, so terrible two's DS was certainly more difficult to be around.

I always make a point of telling friends pregnant with number 2, gently an abridged version of this just in case they may feel the same - or feel the opposite. Not in a scary 'you will feel this way' obviously - but I would have loved people to have been more open.

I had the opposite. I had tried to prepare DD for the arrival of DS (even reading Abrahm's book on having two which terrified me and made me cry) but what I didn't prepare for was the fact that, after DS's birth, I loved her more and struggled to love him. Even now I know the bond is much stronger with her than it is with him which makes me sad and guilty.
I thought the article was interesting but it is very much her experience and not necessarily that of everyone.

Good to hear all these responses. I do think it sounds like the author had a spot of PND prompted perhaps by what sounds like a really really tough end of pg and labour. I feel reassured that so many of you have not had that experience. I found it quite a devastating idea to read. I'm sure they'll be strange feelings I'll have to tackle and always good to have places like this to share and air and get through.

It did feel like a bit of a plug for her book, but also a horrible horrible experience for her so fair enough...

I found that I flip-flopped about it all the time. At first I was really concerned about DD2 and so protective of her that I would get grumpy with DD1 because she was a clumsy toddler. Luckily at that early stage most of the time there was someone else looking after DD1 (DH on paternity leave or family visiting). Then I got a bit grumpy that DD2 was preventing me from doing anything with DD1 any more. I took DD1 for a short walk to the shops and we were chatting away and I was a bit sad that we found it hard to do that stuff any more when I had a newborn attached to my nipple permanently. I don't think that it was a case of loving one or other more, just that I was struggling to divide my attention for the first time ever.

Now that things have settled down, I just get grumpy with them both because they are up at the crack of dawn and I want my sleep! I fall back in love with them at the weekends though, when we get to do nice things as a family

I totally fell in love with dd all over again the first time I came into their room and found little brother tucked up in her bed because he had had a nightmare and she had comforted him.

I read the article crying as well (I am 20 pg at the moment so very hormonal), as I already have this fear that I've made a massive mistake having another baby as I'm worried about the impact on my DS. The first thought I had when I fell pregnant (we were TTC) was not excitement like the first time, but more a feeling of 'Oh god, what about X' I just feel like I am going to screw up his personality from feelings of jealousy and not being able to give him the same level of attention as I do at the moment. The article made all these worries come flooding back.

I'm especially worried as DS is going through a bit of a terrible twos stage at the moment so I can see how easily it would be that I would get really annoyed and angry with him for 'misbehaving' and he'll think its the new baby's fault.

I'd really like to hear some more positive stories, and its good to hear some here already.

I've got many friends with two, and I've seen a lot first hand, and the only thing I'd say for sure is that there is no single way it goes. Some do seem to struggle a bit with the first, some the second, but I have to say most seem to end up do-lally about them both pretty quickly. Knackered, obviously! and full of challenges thy hadn't thought of in advance, but I agree with the mum who said the article seems to come from the extreme end of the negative spectrum. And I say in the 26th week of pregnancy no-one needs to be thinking at that end!! Past is dead and the future ain't here yet so deal in the now, hug your baby and your bump and look forward to the goalposts moving!
(1 ds down and just trying for another)
xx

I read the article and it made me cry (in a coffee shop ) - because I though it was v sad, not because it happened to me. I have a very intense relationship with DS1 (difficult birth, sleepless baby, tricky toddler) and was v worried about the impact DS2 would have on him. Still worry about it, as I think he is still adjusting to it - but he also loves his little brother, and they are going to be great partners in crime! Maybe it would have been different if DS2 had been more demanding, but he was an absolute doddle of a baby, and is now a lovely toddler.

I found it helped that DS1 did 2 mornings a week at nursery from a few months before DS2's birth, which gave me some nice quiet time with DS2 once he arrived.

I often find the Guardian's Family section has some sideswipe in it that has me howling into my tea. Thoughtless buggers.

ok, there will be times when you feel that having two is just about quadrupling the workload and they don't even seem to like each other

but then again- all the other times...

the first time that your oldest one is delighted with something that the baby has done

when lo falls over and reaches out to his big brother or sister instead of to you

when they giggle uproariously at some joke that you, dull adult that you are, simply cannot understand

the first time you find them snuggled up together

when the lo is worried about something at school or nursery and the old one is able to explain or reassure him because only he knows what actually goes on in there (miss Jones only has a shouty voice; she's not cross really)

when you tell one of them off and the other one comes running to defend him- and you forgive the interruption because it is so sweet

when you can send them out on a little excursion together- just the two of them (and watch the pride on the big one's face when he comes back having kept little brother safe)

when you all share a family joke together and it suddenly dawns on you that this joke will live long after you are gone, because they will help each other remember