I really need to grow a backbone don't I?

[HeadFairy]

My cm is obssessed about early potty training. She's currently potty training her 9 month old grandson I kid you not!!! Anyway, she's always nagging me to get started on ds, he's 21 months now. She used to look after my sisters two dds and she potty trained both of them in a week at 18 months.

The thing is, we live in a tiny 2 bed flat with no outside space. We have carpets everywhere, and potty training here is a nightmare. I read the Mnet guide to potty training and Cod's top tips, and I just can't keep ds indoors all day in this weather. It's just too unfair, he's got so much energy and he'll go bonkers with cabin fever.

We're selling our flat at the moment so I'm perhaps more jumpy about the carpets than usual, and I just keep thinking this'll be so much easier in a house, with more space and a garden but I'm sure my cm thinks I'm a rubbish mother because I just can't cope with potty training right now. This is the woman who single handedly brought up five children, putting them all through private school and is normally simultaneously feeding three babies, potty training five toddlers and reading educational books to the rest of her charges. She is super mother, and I can't help feeling a bit of a failure in her presence.

So, I'm right aren't I? It's crazy to potty train in these circumstances, it's much better to wait until we've moved, got a garden, ds can run around nekkid and I'm not so jumpy about accidents. I'm just worried because when he goes to the cm she has in pants all day and on the potty so he's getting really mixed messages.

Normally I would agree with your childminder - it's become the norm to potty train very late in the UK and the people who benefit most are the nappy companies.

BUT if you have carpets everywhere that you need to keep clean because you are selling the flat, then I wouldn't potty train at the moment.

I think a stern reminder to your CM as to who is the parent and calling the shots is in order here. Followed by a phone call to see what other CMs are available!

Under the circumstances I agree with you. Perhaps you need to say to your CM that you are not able to PT at home at the moment so she is not to PT him at her house as it is giving him mixed messages.

It is your decision to make, not hers.

You are in the right.
Some people are obsessed with potty training as if it is the pinnacle of a child's achievement and the sole marker of successful parenting.
Pisses me right off.
My ds is 3 this month and still in nappies. We are in the middle of moving and the last 6 mths have been hell. I have had a few goes but with no success, so dropped it and got on with normal life.
Your ds is 21 mths and very young to be toilet rained. Some are at that age, but they are the exception. Average for boys is 33 mths, so he has a long way to go yet before it becomes an issue.

If your CM is determined to be SUperwoman, then let her go right ahead, but don't judge yourself against her. SHe is riddled with faults like the rest of us!

If she wants to have a go at training him, then let her. Kids are very adaptable and he will not be confused imho. Just smile and nod if you can't be bothered with a confrontation and do what you think is right for your lovely wee boy.

I wouldn't worry about him getting mixed messages. If she wants him in pants when he's with her, that wouldn't bother me at all. That's her look out if he has accidents.

oh theothermarypoppins, she is the most amazing childminder, practially a part of the family, I couldn't go elsewhere.

I do need to have a word with her, I'm sure she'll understand.

The irritating thing is Belgo I'd love to pt him now, it's the right time of year and I'm sure ds would get it really quickly. He's got really good language and understands what we're talking about, but I can't possibly have people viewing the house with pee all over the carpets.

Gosh I really don't think slightly different views on potty training age warrants looking for a different child minder

Belgo and nicky, thanks for the reassurance about mixed messages. I'm quite happy for her to have him in pants at her house, after all it is her clearing up the mess. And for example tomorrow we're at my mum and dad's all day and ds will be in the garden all day so I'm happy for him to have a nappy free day, but I just can't do it at home yet.

You don't need an excuse why not to start potty training, your child, your choice. Your childminder should not be nagging you about this

That said there is nothing wrong with introducing a potty early if that is what the mother and child want.

Different views - no, riding roughshod over a mother and ignoring her wishes, and leaving said mother thinking that she is thought of as a rubbish mum as a consequence - yes.

You are right to not do it at home.
I ended up0 in tears to my MIL one day becasue I felt pressured into having him in pants round the house when I was in teh midst of viewings and keeping the place in order. He then started getting really anxious becasue he knew I was and tbh I htink it has really delayed thigs for us.
In teh garden is fine and whe he is at your cm's too. Honestly, they are such adaptable wee things. Much more so then us.
With any luck teh hard work will be over for you by the time you move house.

The childminder is putting pants on the child and encouraging him to use the potty. So what?

I mean really so what? Do we really think that's going to harm the child? Maybe the child minder is right.

My dd1 was potty trained in one day at age 23 months. Probably because the creche that she went to two days a week had been encouraging her to use a potty.

We need to stop being so sensitive about potty training. Stop arguing about when the best time is. Stop following a long list of rules about when the best time it. Stop worrying about confusing the child, stop worryiong about psychologically damaging the child by potty training.

We need to stop thinking about it and just get on and do it without all the stress.

Thanks nicky, that's very reassuring. It is pretty hard to do it at all in a tiny flat with no garden, but when you're selling it's impossible. He did do a pee in the potty this morning but then an hour later he had an accident and got really upset. I'd rather he didn't get upset about it as I don't want him to start holding it in or anything like that.

He goes to the cm three days a week usually so perhaps that will be a gentle introduction for him until we're in a house and he can pee where ever he likes, though hopefully it'll be in the potty!

Headfairy,

It is clear that children can handle different rules depending on the situation.

i.e. Mummy breastfeeds me, nursery gives me milk in a bottle. Or Daddy carries me in a sling, mummy uses a pram. They cope just fine and why shouldn't they.

So if you are happy with the childminder introducing a potty, I don't think your DS will get confused. It will be a case of 'wear pants and use potty' at childminder, 'use nappies' at home.

I think it's outrageous that she has decided to try to potty train your child when she knows you are not doing it at home.

I agree that kids can cope with different rules in different places etc, but the fact that she has just gone ahead without a proper chat first implies that she thinks that she knows better than you, and I would be furious about that

Exactly where I am coming from Jojay as a CM myself, I am appalled at the woman's attitude.

Moving house is likely to cause a child to regress and that in its own is a good reason to put off potty training.