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Original poster

I'm a terrible mother..

100 replies

shish · 22/06/2009 15:51

Ds1 just turned 3 last week and ds2 will be 13 weeks this week. Some days (like saturday) I can be quite confident with both of them. Other days, like today, I just want to cry and I feel like everything is just wrong and I can't enjoy ds2 (or ds1!). I shouldn't complain cos ds1 is in daycare and ds2 has settled himself into a routine that fits in quite well around ds1 for the moment until he starts pre-school (far from home) in september.

So why do I feel like this?? It's really not fair on the boys to have a mummy that feels so low. I really wish I could enjoy being a mother of 2 like I did a mother of 1. I just feel like my head is all over the place and my confidence keeps dropping. I thought I would be more settled within myslef by now..

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Original poster

shish · 30/06/2009 10:44

Thank you all

Clemette I don't think I can wait a year for things get better. I've had the same thoughts as you but I've never said them out loud as I feel so awful for even just thinking it.

I just want my confidence back. I want to be able to see the benefits of what we've done. I feel so bad because ds2 is just as beautiful as ds1 was at this age. I didn't enjoy ds1 at this age and now I'm gutted that it's happening again. I never took anything last time. I never even went to the GP. The HV I had at the time helped me by sending me to the mother and baby group so that's why I'm going again.

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clemette · 30/06/2009 11:09

Don't get me wrong - it didn't take a year for me to feel like I was graudally getting better, it just took a year for everything to feel "right" again. I think this is quite normal - many of my friends say they would have another if they didn't have to do the baby stage again. There are many, many women who feel like the early days are just unrewarding slog. keep asking for help, keep getting out and meeting other mums, and keep reminding yourself that you felt like this last time and it all turned out OK - that the love did kick in...

Original poster

shish · 30/06/2009 12:39

I hate the baby stage. I have friends who say they are really enjoying their second babies - just not me. I feel like there's no control - just panic. With ds1 it all felt better after about 6 months. He was on 3 meals and 3 milk feeds - not on demand! I had a lot more control and that made me feel a lot more relaxed.

The mums at the group this time are so different to the ones that I met last time. They were so much more lively and friendly.

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clemette · 30/06/2009 14:38

Keep going though - there may be someone new next week.
I could never understand people who were broody for babies - I get broody for toddlers!

Original poster

shish · 30/06/2009 15:34

I agree. My ds1 just turned 3 a couple of weeks ago and he's at a stage where he's just so much fun. He's developed his own sense of humour and he's talking lots now. I feel so guilty that I'm missing out on so much with him cos I'm so tired and stressed all the time - and cos I have to split my time.

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clemette · 30/06/2009 15:38

He will be fine. My DD was the same age and adores her little brother. I kept reminding myself I had added something to her life even when I felt I had ruined hers (and mine).

clemette · 03/07/2009 08:35

How are you doing shish?

Original poster

shish · 03/07/2009 13:36

It has been a better week. This time last week it felt like my whole world was crashing down around me. This week I've felt a bit more on top of stuff - even had a happy day out with ds2 and dh on Wednesday. But I feel like I'm in a visious circle cos when I am having a better day I feel guilty about not feeling so anxious. The anxiety is always there in the background but I am trying so so hard to try and keep it at bay and to try and be happy. I still don't feel like I'm enjoying ds2 the way I should be, but am trying really hard at that too.

The thing that erassures me is how much ds1 loves his baby brother.

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Original poster

shish · 04/07/2009 10:38

I really need more confidence. I just can't feel confident as a family of 4 yet..

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clemette · 04/07/2009 21:16

But you will.

BottySpottom · 04/07/2009 22:05

You are very brave to face up to the fact there is a problem . It takes a lot to do that.

Give it a few months and your hormones will have settled, you will be getting a bit of sleep, your children will adore each other, and you will feel so much better. The turning points for me are always 12 months, and then 18 months. Things suddenly get better. It seems a horribly long way off, but things will get better dramatically in a couple of months.

Good luck, keep posting.

Original poster

shish · 05/07/2009 19:31

Thank you clemette .

Thank you BottySpottom. Waiting for 12 months and 18 months is like a lifetime away right now. A couple of months seems a tiny bit more witihin arm's reach.

MN is a lifeline for me right now cos you have all been so kind and supportive x

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Original poster

shish · 06/07/2009 14:37

Going to see Gp now. Feeling low again today. Doesn't help that ds2 is so irritable

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Original poster

shish · 06/07/2009 15:42

No real solution from GP, although she was very nice and will see me again in a couple of weeks.

Having that awful feeling of regret again today - wishing we had stuck with one. I really wish it would go away. It's really not fair on ds2. He was planned. I must be the world's worst mother!

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BottySpottom · 06/07/2009 15:58

No, you are not. You probably have pnd - that is nothing to do with being a bad mother.

Did the GP not offer you medication or counselling?

BottySpottom · 06/07/2009 15:59

PS: fantastic that you went to the gp. Probably also worth talking about it to your health visitor

girlsyearapart · 06/07/2009 16:02

Just to say felt same for a while dd's are 10mo and 22 mo so when dd2 arrived dd1 wasn't walking v confidently so it was all just hard and generally exhausting! Things are better now we're all in a routine though(even contemplating a 3rd next year )
My top tips are - talk to people about how you feel, other mums HV whoever you feel comfortable with. Most people who have more than 1 dc have felt the same at one point. Try to go out every day even if just to shops or wherever. Remember don't be too hard on yourself it will get easier and no one ever really knows what they're doing!

Original poster

shish · 06/07/2009 19:47

I know I have pnd but am trying to avoid AD's. Councelling is an option but no-one to look after ds2 while I go so a bit difficult..

Girlsyerapart when did you feel less like that? GP reckons it will go away but it's early days yet.. She thinks I should go easier on myself.

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BottySpottom · 06/07/2009 22:03

You could take your DS2, I'm sure that would be fine. He would probably sleep or feed I expect.

Did you explain how you feel about DS2?

To be honest, I think your Dr should have been a bit more proactive on your behalf. Have you managed to speak to your Health Visitor? Maybe she could suggest something?

Original poster

shish · 07/07/2009 08:31

I've explained how I feel about ds2 to both GP and HV. I really want to just get past these first few months which have been a struggle for me both times but with different anxieties.

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Original poster

shish · 07/07/2009 12:45

I don't hink anyone can help me. I just want to be happy..

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girlsyearapart · 07/07/2009 13:06

Felt less like that prob when dd2 was 4-5 mo and dd1 was walking well. Had got used to having 2 and in a routine. Routine is a big thing for me..

juicy12 · 07/07/2009 13:51

Hello, Shish. You're being soooo hard on yourself. Please don't. My DS was 2.5 when his sister was born and I can still clearly remember trying to get her to sleep after a night-feed and crying and teling her I didn't want a newborn baby, and that I wished I'd just had one child. I found it really hard at times with both of them and the first day that my DH went back to work (when DD was 2 weeks) I was on the phone sobbing to my mum by 10am, saying I couldn't cope with 2 kids on my own. Practical things that helped me were that my mum came up one day a week and we paid for DS to do an extra day at nursery until DD was 3 months old. That just gave me a bit more time to get to know DD and bond properly with her. I felt guilty for "sending DS away", but realised that it was short-term. With DS, we were pretty tight on routine, which suited us, but I forced myself to relax a bit with DD. I just had to keep telling myself that I would have really s*t days and also better days and gradually the s*t days got overtaken by the better days. Looking back I definitely had PND when I had DS, but was too scared to go to HV/GP. YOU ARE BRAVE for having done so. Well done. I know how you feel and please believe that I'm not just saying it, but you will feel better and when you do, it will hit you like a juggernaut how much joy and happiness you'll get from having two beautiful kids. I'm an only child and I would have loved to have had a sibling.

MrsSnoops · 07/07/2009 13:56

I have been thinking about this thread all morning. I know a lot of people have come on and shared with you how they have been through similar things and I just thought I would add to that voice!
You sound so very similar to me. I had anxiety after having DS, but somehow it was bearable or ignorable and it slowly got better. I now also have a DD who is now 7 months. When she was born all the anxiety came back and this time so much worse. I couldn't enjoy her or mothering at all. I was genuinely shocked by how awful I felt and how she just didn't feel part of our family. The guilt was also horrendous.

I felt like I should just snap out of it and if I just stopped dwelling then things would get better.

In the end I decided we all had a right to be happy, me and the kids and DH and so I went to my HV and demanded help. I don't think I would have got it otherwise.

I am now seeing a psychologist and it is actually through the Child and Infant Mental Health team (or something like that) and it is therapy for us both and we look at how I feel in relation to the kids. It has taken a while, but I can now see the benefits and think that the change for the better will be immense.

You absolutely deserve to be happy and someone will be able to help you. I know you can't see how right now, but there is a way out of this and the fact that you want it to change has got to be a good start.

Sorry for the waffle, you are not alone.

Original poster

shish · 07/07/2009 15:13

Girlsyearapart I'm quite big on routine. I guess it's a bit of a control thing. The thing is ds2 has fallen into a routine all by himself for feeding but not for daytime naps, but I still feel rubbish..

Juicy12 I really hope you're right. I keep on hoping that one day iwill wake up and feel strong, confident and happy with my 'new' family. Ds1 tells me he loves having a baby brother.

MrsSnoops you've hit the nail on the head. I had anxieties after ds1 which went, but his it has come back worse. But, I still keep hoping that I can work through it like I did last time and it will go away.

I try to get out every day even if it's only to buy some milk. I'm going to baby group and baby yoga and generally keep myself busy. I'm trying so hard to help myself. I'm hoping that as ds2 grows and starts to sit, hold toys etc that things will get better - like with ds1.

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