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I'm a terrible mother..

100 replies

shish · 22/06/2009 15:51

Ds1 just turned 3 last week and ds2 will be 13 weeks this week. Some days (like saturday) I can be quite confident with both of them. Other days, like today, I just want to cry and I feel like everything is just wrong and I can't enjoy ds2 (or ds1!). I shouldn't complain cos ds1 is in daycare and ds2 has settled himself into a routine that fits in quite well around ds1 for the moment until he starts pre-school (far from home) in september.

So why do I feel like this?? It's really not fair on the boys to have a mummy that feels so low. I really wish I could enjoy being a mother of 2 like I did a mother of 1. I just feel like my head is all over the place and my confidence keeps dropping. I thought I would be more settled within myslef by now..

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shish · 26/06/2009 09:21

All the htreads on here about the advantages of having only 1 dc really aren't helping...

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Backtoblue · 26/06/2009 09:44

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moosemama · 26/06/2009 10:29

There are lots of threads about the joys of having two or more dcs as well Shish. Remember, I was where you are a few years ago and now I have 3 and absolutely love it!

Bonding doesn't always happen in an instant, its a myth perpetuated by the media that just serves to make many of us feel that we are somehow not natural if we don't get that elusive rush of love the second we meet our babies.

As I said yesterday, not only do you have a chemical/hormonal imbalance that will affect your mood and feelings, you are getting to know a whole new little person, it takes time.

Obviously you have had years to get to know ds1 and build a strong bond with him, plus it is inevitably true that you have less to do and more time to spend just 'being' with your first child and this tends to make bonding easier and quicker. It doesn't mean it won't come with ds2 it just means it will take a bit longer that's all.

I hope today does get better for you, try to take it easy and not be so hard on yourself. Have you heard from your named HV? If not, give her a ring, she may take it more inclined to take it seriously and do something to help if you speak to her on a low day rather than on a day where you have called up all your reserves and are coping slightly better.

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moosemama · 26/06/2009 10:32

Backtoblue is right, you definitely need to keep on at either the HV or your GP, you shouldn't have to wait when you are feeling so low. They have a duty of care and are trained to look out for and act quickly with PND.

shish · 26/06/2009 11:18

I called my named HV this morning who pushed me to make an emergency appointment with the Gp. Just saw someone - although not who I wanted to see. She immediately put me on anti-depressents. I feel like such a failure and scared that I won't be able to come off them. How long were you on them for moosemama?? She said they're normaly taken for at least 6 months.

With ds1 I coped without even seeing the GP and all got better around 6 months. I went today cos I'm worried that I'm not being fair on my family. I've just spoken to my mum and she says I should take them as she's worried that I'm being so negative toward ds2. I'm going to speak to dh when he calls me at lunch. Not so sure that he'll be so keen for me to take them..

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shish · 26/06/2009 11:21

Backtoblue how old are your ds's?? Do you feel like you're finding it hard to cope? And difficult to bond with ds2? I'm just worried that what I'm feeling isn't normal.

Moosemama when did you find juggling the 2 ds's by yourself got easier? I feel like I lawys need help if I'm gonna have them both by myself for the whole day and yet other people don't seem to need it.

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moosemama · 26/06/2009 12:21

Shish I was on them initially for 6 months, but then my Dad was taken seriously ill so I stayed on them for a year in the end. Which ADs have you been given? They aren't usually difficult to come off, there is just about a fornight to four week weaning off period (depending on which ones you have) when you lower the dosage bit by bit.

I can't recommend counselling highly enough though, I am sure that's what made the difference for me and I felt so much better within a few weeks of starting the ADs and going to weekly counselling. In the counselling sessions you would be able to verbalise and let out all the emotions you are having about your family and about ds2 without judgement or recrimination and sometimes just talking about it all with an impartial third party helps you to get your head straight. Counsellors aren't there to tell you what to do or to judge, they are there to listen and if necessary gently guide you in the right direction.

I can't remember exactly when handling the two on my own started to feel easier. I think it was a gradual thing. It comes back to confidence really, you have to trust you can do it. Perhaps you could try having some days when you aim to do it by yourself but make sure someone is available to pop round if you feel you can't cope. Maybe just one day a week to begin with, or starting with just a morning or afternoon. There is nothing wrong with having help when you have a young baby. My Mum still pops round most days, sometime because I feel like I need help and sometime just for a coffee (having another adult to speak to after being in the house with two toddlers for a few hours can make all the difference).

I am just reading a book called 'What Mothers Do' which addresses precisely this problem. Historically women didn't raise children alone, all the women in the family did it together as a team effort and there was always plenty of advice, support and respite available within that circle of family. Its only relatively recently that women have been told they should be able to do it on their own and to be honest that is absolute rubbish, the more people around that love and care for little ones the more secure and settled they will be.

You should read the book actually its here on Amazon (I'm reading it while feeding dd) its all about what mothers actually do for their children, the way society views mothers and why it is that so many of us end up feeling negative about our achievements. I'm finding it really affirming and empowering, it reminds me to remind myself that I'm actually doing one of the hardest jobs in the world.

Also, don't be fooled by how well other people seem to be coping. The number of times I've made assumptions about other Mum's and how they are so cool, calm and organised only to find out later that they are only human and have problems and worries just like me. You don't know how often their Mum's/Grans/Sisters/Friends/DHs help them out. Everyone needs help sometimes.

Thefearlessfreak · 26/06/2009 12:31

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Thefearlessfreak · 26/06/2009 12:33

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moosemama · 26/06/2009 12:34

I won't tell if you won't.

shish · 26/06/2009 13:04

She gave me Citalopram Hydrobromide 20mg. She just gave my the prescription and asked me to come back. She didn't even mention counselling.

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moosemama · 26/06/2009 13:15

I was on Citalopram, they are one of the gentlest ADs you can get. When have you got to go back? She should have suggested counselling. Maybe you could try your HV again as she seemed to be on the ball this morning. She may be able to help you to push for some counselling.

I'm sure she would rather you called her back than carried on suffering, after all its her job to take care of you and your children.

stickylittlefingers · 26/06/2009 13:19

shish - it is hard looking after two! But there are so many advantages to having a brother/sister as moosemama has pointed out, and ime it's one of the best things to watch them play together or see them hug the other when one is upset etc etc.

But I don't think you are really arguing with that - more that you had learnt to cope with one and two is a struggle and therefore logically... But it IS the chemicals in your brain and not your rational self talking and that's NOT your fault in any way at all. I know you're worried about your relationship with DH, but do you have a good mum friend you can chat to? I found a "mum" neighbour down the road so helpful to me - often I didn't even talk about how I was feeling, but she just cheered me up anyway once I realised I was just another Mum and having totally normal Mum type thoughts and feelings...

Perhaps look around MN for who might be close by?

shish · 26/06/2009 15:02

I'm thinking of still going to see the GP that I had booked the appointment with on 6 July. She is really nice and showed a lot of compassion and understanding when I got a bit tearful at my postnatal check.

I spoke to HV briefly after my visit to GP and she said I should take the AD's but didn't say anything more than that. She's coming to see me on Tuesday.

Dh is being supportive but thinks I should try and avoid the AD's. He's encouraging me to have some more me time.

Stickylittlefingers I do have nice mum friends but I feel that they will get fed up of me and I will loose them as friends. It's happened to me many years ago when I was a student. My best friend stopped talking to me when I told her I was struggling and I was seeing a councellor

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moosemama · 26/06/2009 16:13

Shish any so-called friend who would abandon you in times of trouble or just because you are seeing a counsellor is no friend at all really. I'm sure your current friends wouldn't behave so badly towards you.

Am a bit at your DH though. Does he have a clear understanding of what PND actually is and how it is treated? Having more me time is great, but PND is a medical illness that needs proper treatment as well. Perhaps you could look at the PND support websites together so that he gains a better understanding of what you are going through and why.

So many people are anti ADs, but in truth they are just a medicine that rebalances the brain chemistry. Yes, they can be overprescribed, but conversely there are some cases, such as PND, when they are a necessary part of treatment.

Backtoblue · 26/06/2009 18:22

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shish · 26/06/2009 19:43

I think we're both scared of what will happen when I stop taking them

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shish · 26/06/2009 19:55

i seem to hit real highs and lows. This morning I felt like I had hit rock bottom and now I feel like I'm more on top of things. I know it doens't really make sense.

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BarrelOfMonkeys · 26/06/2009 20:02

Shish, I only have 1DD so can't really comment on the change from 1 to 2 DCs but how much sleep are you getting? PND and sleep deprivation are, I believe, linked. Can your DH help out at nights (expressed feeds if you are BFing perhaps?) or can he look after the kids while you nap? If it is any consolation, although I only have 1 DC it was about 4 months I'd say before I felt 'properly' bonded.

BarrelOfMonkeys · 26/06/2009 20:05

Oh, and if it is any consolation, I think Citalopram is one of the ADs that takes a few weeks to 'build up' in terms of full effectiveness and when they take you off it they shouldn't just stop you taking them, it should be phased out over a period of time - so if you start feeling worse they can phase it back up if necessary.

BarrelOfMonkeys · 26/06/2009 20:12

Just checked and yes, Citalopram is one of those. Stopping suddenly is a very bad idea so speak to your GP before thinking about coming off them. (ExBF used to be on this, among other ADs, so I speak from experience here!)

And don't forget you are still full of pregnancy/birth hormones so mood swings are to be expected. Don't beat yourself up about it.

shish · 26/06/2009 21:29

Thanks BarrelOfMonkeys. I am getting enough sleep but I still feel very tired. Ds2 is going through the night so I really shouldn't be complaining.

Dh is being very supportive. He's spent a large part of the evening looking up PND.

You've all been so kind and supportive. I can't express how much I appreciate it.

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shish · 30/06/2009 09:37

HV coming to see me this afternoon. Althought the last few days have been relatively good.

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clemette · 30/06/2009 10:04

shish reading your posts reminded me of me just over a year ago. I found having my second INCREDIBLY difficult and frequently wished he wasn't around. I even asked DH to speak to social services about putting him up for adoption!
Now I recognise it as PND but my GP was very canny. He knew I would refuse ADs (long story) so instead arranged for my HV to phone me every other day. It really helped me just having someone to talk to and she was excellent - entirely non-judgemental.

It took a while but just after DS was one I realised that I did actually love him. I stopped becoming his "carer" and now am his mother.
It will happen and what you are feeling is very, very common.

CMOTdibbler · 30/06/2009 10:14

Shish - just wanted to say that although I have no experience of PND, I have a close friend who has depression. He spent a long time avoiding ADs as he thought that he should be able to do it on his own, just needed to talk about things etc. Then he said he would try them for a couple of months - and the change has been huge for him.

He says that he now thinks of them like a walking stick when you've sprained your ankle. Your ankle will fix itself in time, but you need to care for it, do physio etc, and if you just keep walking on it it's really hard for it to get better. The walking stick won't fix things on it's own, but just gives your ankle a chance to mend faster, and for you to do the physio cos you are in less pain.

Taking the ADs has helped lift him enough to go out and get counselling, and sort of see the way through. He just couldn't get there on his own

Obv with PND it is a temporary thing due to hormone changes anyway, so 6 months of ADs gets you through the really low bit and lets you enjoy your family until it clears

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