Should I send my son to private school?

[GooseyLoosey]

My ds is 6. He's lovely. He is funny. He is clever. He is the tallest and the most accademically developed child in his class (although not the oldest by a long way) which leads to assumptions of maturity. He is also very articulate. He is generally well behaved in class.

However... he has not got a clue how to get on with other children and is emotionally quite young. He does not pick up on the subtle social cues that other children seem to and as a result has problems sustaining relationships. He is also very loud and I strongly have the impression that other parents would prefer that their children play with someone else. He seldom gets invited to parties or round to people's houses. His "best friend" has now said that he would like to be able to play with other people besides ds and the school and parents have become involved with this and told ds to leave this child alone. ds is unhappy - he used to be the most vibrant person I knew and now he seems sort of squashed.

I have been as objective here as I can be with my assessment of my son as I really do not know how to help him. We have been aware of his social issues for sometime and have tried hard to address them. I have told the school repeatedly of my concerns - but all they can see is that he performs well in the classroom (and I am not really saying it is their job to sort out social issues). I have invited endless children around to play but he is aware that he seldom gets return invites. I try hard to befriend the mothers.

Do you think sending him to a private school with smaller classes might help (it would be a financial struggle as I have 2 children and I would feel that I would have to offer dd the same)? If not, do any of you have any other suggestions? I have spent the last few days in tears over this and don't really know what to do next.

Dd is only 15 months younger than ds and I know that they do interact together at school.

We have tried playing board games with ds and actually now I think about it, it is a very good illustration of where his problems lie. He loves playing and will try and get us all to do so but then he hates losing and will get quite "huffy" if he does or create additional spurious rules ie "it was the person who goes down the most snakes who wins". Of course we do not allow this and explain that everyone likes to win and he should just smile when other people win even if he is not happy about it. We even remind everyone before we start that everyone has to congratulate the winner. Perhaps we should play them more to drive the point home.

I think he does feel low at the moment and I think I have made the problem worse by discussing the issues with him directly. I should not have done this and now feel terrible about it. I am desperately trying to make it up to him and make him see that he really is a lovely person - he just has to work out sometime how to get that across.

God he sounds like my ds re the board games dp threatens to leave home every time I suggest it

Bingo is quite good, as is Hiss. You could offer him a reward for getting through 1 game nicely.

Don't feel bad we all do things to try and help our dc that aren't always right. I'm always stuffing, up it's the fact you care and learn from it that matters.

In a few weeks they'll be breaking up anyway. I'd try and keep up contact with other kids during the holiday if you can(not easy I know),has he got any cousins or older kids belonging to your friends? I'd visit the park a lot take a ball boys seem to have a habit of finding other boys with a ball. Have your friends over and reward him if he plays nicely with their kids.

There are often lots of things on involving other kids in the hols,down here in Devon we've always got children's centre days running,look in the library or Netmums for a list of things.

Is he getting enough outdoor play? The hols will be an ideal opportunity to exhaust him.

Thanks Mila - I think he may be getting too much outdoor activity . DH has a habit of going cycling with him and underestimating the distance - they were out for 5 1/2 hours on saturday and he is participaing in a children's bike race tonight.

Never tried Hiss, I might investigate it as Snake & Ladders is a nightmare!

I'd post a new thread with the title Help needed with bossy,loud son- then direct to this thread as you may get a lot more ideas.

Oh and avoid Junior Monopoly at all costs it goes on for ever and there is scope for spurious rules galore

We don't pay extra for the two hours a week of school-provided SEN support my son gets, nor for NHS support.

My youngest son is just like this and struggled at his mainstream school. He now goes to a private school in Surrey which caters for boys who are similar to him. It has made an enormous difference to him to the extent that he couldn't wait to get back to school after the summer holidays. He is borderline Aspergers and has an expressive language disorder but now has proper friends for the first time in his life.

You see Dizzy, that's just how I envisioned it would be if I moved ds. I can see from this thread though that it is very dependant on the specific school. Very glad to hear though that things are working out for your son - hope things go the same way for mine too!

To be fair to DS's school they can and do

• move DC up/down between years to better meet their needs
• have some highly trained Teaching Assistants who do one-on-one help without extra charge
• know and understand the children as individuals
• have small classes and great teachers

However, when it comes to extra extra help (Occupational Therapists being the prime example) they do charge extra - a lot extra (£60/week). I also think that if you can only just afford the fees themselves, then your DC may not get full advantage out of the school - when I add up the optional extras DS does (judo, tennis, music, trips, etc) and the kit required for them, it gets scary (so I try to avoid adding it up )

If your NHS PCT offers a service to state school children they have a duty of care to offer it to kids attending independent school too.
They may only offer a limited version of the service,e.g. during school holidays for a one-off assessment and advice session - but they do have a legal obligation to offer you a service.
If they do not you can formally request a service.
However, if they don not offer a service to children over 7yrs regardless of school placement in your PCT, then you are right no child in the PCT has a right to a service and that is when it becomes a postcode lottery.

I am in the same situation. Moved DD to private school when she was in Year 3 (at 7 years) because state school failed to recognise or deal with her poor concentration, her desire to be heard, incessant questions and her very poor writing skills. There were other children who received extra help and had statements but only because they were quite obvious Autism cases.
Now she's now 9 and in private school - who have also failed to recognise her problems (keep complaining to me all the time about her social behaviour - no disruptive stuff - just not doing as she's told sometimes and not concentrating). No one invites her anywhere anymore - parents shun me at pick up time and we are now having her assessed (after 7 month wait) for Autism - possibly Asperger's.
She has a high IQ and reading age three years ahead of her real age - she has remarkable ideas and talks like an adult - but her ideas and desire to follow her passions don't fit into the teaching curriculum. She is bullied and called weird. Now I am told that if she requires additional support after diagnosis the private school will not pay for it. The authority is being cagey until the diagnosis. I can't afford private education - am using all my severance pay from former job which I left to spend more time with DD.
It is terribly depressing at times.
It seems to me that society needs children who think 'outside the box' but this country is keen to shoehorn children into fitting a traditional mould which is intolerant of anything 'different'. I was quite a good journalist once - perhaps it's time to use those skills to do something.
Are the authority really legally bound to pay up even if my DD's in private school? I am not sure of my ground.