Should I send my son to private school?

[GooseyLoosey]

My ds is 6. He's lovely. He is funny. He is clever. He is the tallest and the most accademically developed child in his class (although not the oldest by a long way) which leads to assumptions of maturity. He is also very articulate. He is generally well behaved in class.

However... he has not got a clue how to get on with other children and is emotionally quite young. He does not pick up on the subtle social cues that other children seem to and as a result has problems sustaining relationships. He is also very loud and I strongly have the impression that other parents would prefer that their children play with someone else. He seldom gets invited to parties or round to people's houses. His "best friend" has now said that he would like to be able to play with other people besides ds and the school and parents have become involved with this and told ds to leave this child alone. ds is unhappy - he used to be the most vibrant person I knew and now he seems sort of squashed.

I have been as objective here as I can be with my assessment of my son as I really do not know how to help him. We have been aware of his social issues for sometime and have tried hard to address them. I have told the school repeatedly of my concerns - but all they can see is that he performs well in the classroom (and I am not really saying it is their job to sort out social issues). I have invited endless children around to play but he is aware that he seldom gets return invites. I try hard to befriend the mothers.

Do you think sending him to a private school with smaller classes might help (it would be a financial struggle as I have 2 children and I would feel that I would have to offer dd the same)? If not, do any of you have any other suggestions? I have spent the last few days in tears over this and don't really know what to do next.

Ah yes, I know that problem. They are professionals and village GPs do deal with that work/home separation on a daily basis, but yes I am sure you can go direct - the problem is getting a recommendation!

The book's really helpful. I don't think I'd be brave enough to want to talk to her about this so it depends on what you decide to do. Please do remember that moving him isn't going to solve all the problems, just give him a fresh start but as all the children live so far away the holidays and weekends can get very lonely. Ds is an only child, I'm a single mother. I can afford school fees but only just so it doesn't give us much scope for holiday's either. It has been a weight off my mind having a break from them but this has been replaced by the problems ds is having. They are not just social but have resulted in bullying, he's had boys try to pull down his pants (which the head didn't believe), calling him nerd/weird/gay boy. I collected him for lunch on Friday, he was walking to meet me and was pushed up against a wall by another boy, luckily (or not) it was witnessed by a teacher. I'm moving him because things have gone too far and I don't feel as if he's safe. If the school were as supportive as yours I would have kept him there. I would find someone you trust and confide in them, maybe someone that's got some clout over the other mums .

Stealth - thank you very much for the last post. I have worried so much about my parenting and what I have done wrong and how other parents see me. The fact that you have intuited I am an OK parent from my e-mails does actually mean something to me!

You could say the same about teachers and head teachers Lenin! Some of those don't get this either.

I think the problem is that there is a range of accepted personalities and those that are outside that range are treated as "problematic" whereas sometimes they are just different.

For those of you who are still reading, firstly my thanks and secondly, I have one more qu.

I also have a dd in reception. She is miss popularity. I have wondered if I should stop accepting invites for dd and inviting her friends around as the contrast for ds may be too stark. dh says absolutely not and we should continue with dd as normal but I am not so sure. Actually, I am not feeling sure of anything at the moment.

What did the other mother say? What are her reasons?

Thanks Lenin - dh would agree with you.

I have to go for a while now, but if anyone else has any thoughts or ideas for me, I would be immensely grateful.

Nigella - basically her son feels overwhelmed by ds who always wants to play with him - he also finds ds distracting. Generally he seems upset by ds. Why she didn't talk to me first, I am not sure. Although I know her well, I am quite shy and I think I can come across as aloof so perhaps she felt she couldn't.

Goosey my DH would strongly recommend you leave your DD be, DH feels tremendous guilt over the way his aspergers effected his brothers childhood.

actually, dh's god daugher is very similar n(5 years old and was explaining tectonic plates). she was local primary and was very miserable, very left out, played up a bit because she was bored, didnt fit in. she was removed and put in posh private school and is like a different child. sorry know every child is different but smaller classes might help.

Has the school got a Speech & Language Therapist (SLT)?
An SLT will be able to look at his social skills professionally (and that is not suggesting Aspergers as that doesn't sound like your DS at all) and suggest some ways the staff can help support DS in games and playing with other children.

Alternatively, ask if your child can attend some of the groups the SLT runs in school to informally support his social skills in a small group (this is not suggesting there is anything wrong with your child's social skills).

It is absolutely wrong of the school to support any parent who encourages their son/ daughter not to play with your child. The school's role here is to support your DS in making friends and developing his social maturity. An SLT will be able to help the school understand their role better.

In my opinion private school will not solve this problem.

Thanks turtle - am not aware of a SALT at the school and would not have imagined that one could help - I will certainly ask.

Dh walked the dcs to school today and this child and another boy (who he is also friendly with) were behind him. Dh said ds stopped and shouted "hello" but they would not walk with him. Dh said ds looked really upset. So glad I was not there.

I want to make everything right for him. Would a meeting with his teacher and the head help and talk to them about what they can do? I must admit I had viewed this as our issue rather than the school's.

It takes a village to raise a child and all that. I'd have a meeting with them, work with them rather then worry. The book's really useful, I sat and read it when it arrived and all I thought was "yes, that's ds!".

This is absolutely a school issue. The school has a responsibility to provide a social and emotional curriculum, much like the Maths and English curriculums. The school will have a programme in place to support friendship development among peers. The school might have a 'friendship stop' in the playground or a programme of 'circle of friends' in the classroom, or they might be using a curriculum support like 'SEAL' in the classroom to develop friendships.
It is not ok for the school to actively encourage children to 'not' be friends, and it is up to the classteacher and ultimately the headteacher to take issue with parents who encourage this behaviour in their children.

Other stuff you can do to develop DS's social skills are to heavily model them for a few weeks. This means go out of your way to be polite and sociable to everyone and explain your actions to DS. For example, say please and thankyou to the bus driver, excuse me to passengers on the bus, explain why you have to move to let the old lady sit down on the bus, have a friendly conversation with the shop assistant.
All of these overtly social acts help your son to learn better social skills such as waiting his turn in the bus queue, not talking too noisily on the bus and sharing his seat, which he can transfer into his relationships with his peers. This is not 'telling him off' when he is noisy on the bus or doesn't wait, it is indulging in self-praise once you have demonstrated yourself doing these things to DS, e.g. 'Wasn't I good, I waited nicely in the bus queue and didn't push, I am a friendly/ nice/ polite/ patient Mummy', this should then lead to you being able to praise DS for doing these things, or even better helping him to praise himself and develop self-confidence to do these things without adult encouragement. Giving the act a label of 'friendly' or 'polite' helps DS to learn what are desirable personality characteristics and 'collect' them in his own personality development.
You could even start asking your son who he shared something with today, e.g. did you share the pens on the table today?, who did you say thank you to today?, e.g. Did you say thank you to x child for sharing the scissors in craft.

This sounds like one of ds's friends a few years ago. Big, strong, loud, played quite roughly and was very dominant. Ds was getting to the stage where he was too frightened of this boy to want to go to school at all (particularly as ds was quite small and physically weak and his friend kept pushing him over). His friend's mum otoh felt her son was being bullied and went storming into the school to demand an explanation. It took a lot of tact for the school to smooth things down.

Tbh I don't know how much good talking directly to me would have done. I would (I hope) have been sympathetic, but wouldn't have felt I could make any promises that ds wouldn't try to get away from the boy he was frightened of.

But the good news is, they are now both 9 and things have really moved on. Ds is more confident and has learned to handle things more forcefully and his friend has learned to be more gentle. In fact, ds said last year when somebody else was getting too aggressive and hurting him, it was this boy who looked out for him and went and got help. He just needed to grow up a little.

Cory - I really am trying to see the otherside of this. I truly believe that ds's overbearing manner is off putting to other children and that it is reasonable for their parents to ask the school how they are going to address it and to want their children to keep their distance. I want to address it too - it is terrible to think that my child has made other children feel like this (without I think any malicious intent on his part). The only thing I would want to know from other parents is what specifically ds does which worries their children and what their children would find easier to deal with!

I am very glad to hear that the child in your story worked it all out in the end. Problem for me is that at the moment, I can't really envisage dealing with several more years of this. I want to do everything I can to resolve things now.

I know what you mean, Goosey, it must be heartrending for you. I wish I could tell you something this other mum did that changed things. But I think it was mainly his teacher who was in a position to actually do anything about the school situation. Easier because the teacher was neutral and because she actually saw what was happening in the playground. And she made it very clear that she wanted what was best for all parties; she wanted to help ds's friend as much as anyone else.

But a lot of it was just that he needed to grow up and I don't know how we could have speeded that up really. It didn't take all of 3 years either; going from Yr 1 to Yr 2 made a big difference.

TurtleAnn is quite right - this is the school's issue as well as yours, and social concerns can be incorporated into an IEP (they were addressed through an IEP with one of my DSs), so there are clear targets and ways to reach them which are identified, on paper and achievable. The current school isn't responding appropriately.

DS's (independent) school (very inclusive, will deal with SN, etc, etc) bring in an Occupational Therapist - but because the NHS ones will not go into private schools the parents have to pay £60 a week extra for it.

This is not necessarily true at all. My son is at private school and is getting NHS support in school. It is not a state/private education issue, it is funded by the health service.

My son has some social issues he actually got on better at the state school he was at, I think the interactions at the private school are a bit more sophisticated, so he tends to play with younger children, he can irritate his peers by not seeing the 'I don't want to play with you' signals.

Anyway, the school have done a good job of identifying and supporting him with a weekly social skills class held with some of the other children that have got similar problems. The state school weren't interested at all.

Thanks all again. I have arranged to go in and talk to his teacher later in the week. She has also suggested that the head be there (which I am trying to view as a positive thing).

Someguy and Cory - it is good to hear similar stries with a positive outcome.

Hassled and Turtle - thanks for the suggestions, I will raise them with the school.

You have actually made me feel much better about all of this. I was feeling so negative (and I think this was coming through to ds), but now I feel that maybe there might be something I can do for ds at his current school. I really hope so!

SomeGuy - whilst I agree entirely that it is an NHS service and should therefore apply irrespective of the type of school, sadly, it is yet another postcode lottery - some PCTs will fund it, others won't - ours won't - and it's certainly a question that needs asking for anyone considering moving a child with these sorts of issues into the private sector.

I had never considered that a private school might charge more than their already pretty hefty fees to help ds and would never have asked so it has been a revalation to me. I had kind of viewed the fees as being inclusive of the necessary degree of pastoral care.

Hi Goosey your ds sounds like one of my twins. He doesn't have social problems but he was/can be bossy,quite bright etc. He's lucky as he has his twin and sister to bring him down a peg or 2 and I can witness his play/bossing so can step into steer him the right way.

My ds is heaps better now. I made a sticker chart and every time he played nicely without bossing he got a sticker. How old is you other dc? I'd ask his teacher if she could tell you the days he didn't boss and then reward it.

Playing board games as a family helps it's great for self control.

I'd also boost his self esteem up in other ways ie if he's kind make a huuuuge thing of it,he'll do it more. Other kids love kindness. If everybody is highly critical of him he must feel really low at the moment. Kids can pick up low self esteem, if he feels good and confident about himself it's far more attractive to other kids.

How about joining a couple of things after school like karate,he'll meet new kids and there maybe some there he has more in common with

I'm also wondering if he's being stretched enough and is maybe bored. Next year things will probably move up a gear at school so he may well improve.

I'd forget the playdate thing for now it'll happen when it happens just help him to build to build a happy busy life he enjoys,playdates aren't the be all and end all. I used to hate as a teacher seeing parents trying to engineer friendships it never works,kids work these things out for themselves.

Some kids are naturally popular some aren't. My other son is very chirpy and makes friends very easily wherever we go,his twin although he has never had a problem making friends isn't quite the same he only seems to need a few special friends. He's never noticed this as it doesn't matter to me or him.

I hope this helps.