Should I send my son to private school?

[GooseyLoosey]

My ds is 6. He's lovely. He is funny. He is clever. He is the tallest and the most accademically developed child in his class (although not the oldest by a long way) which leads to assumptions of maturity. He is also very articulate. He is generally well behaved in class.

However... he has not got a clue how to get on with other children and is emotionally quite young. He does not pick up on the subtle social cues that other children seem to and as a result has problems sustaining relationships. He is also very loud and I strongly have the impression that other parents would prefer that their children play with someone else. He seldom gets invited to parties or round to people's houses. His "best friend" has now said that he would like to be able to play with other people besides ds and the school and parents have become involved with this and told ds to leave this child alone. ds is unhappy - he used to be the most vibrant person I knew and now he seems sort of squashed.

I have been as objective here as I can be with my assessment of my son as I really do not know how to help him. We have been aware of his social issues for sometime and have tried hard to address them. I have told the school repeatedly of my concerns - but all they can see is that he performs well in the classroom (and I am not really saying it is their job to sort out social issues). I have invited endless children around to play but he is aware that he seldom gets return invites. I try hard to befriend the mothers.

Do you think sending him to a private school with smaller classes might help (it would be a financial struggle as I have 2 children and I would feel that I would have to offer dd the same)? If not, do any of you have any other suggestions? I have spent the last few days in tears over this and don't really know what to do next.

Social stuff is partly the school's responsibility.

Access to services which would help (including "teaching" Aspergers-type children to deal with social situations) can be easier through your GP that through the school, as others have said.

Go look at private schools, if you have some locally which look promising, and ask the hard questions - for example, if your DS did prove to need additional help, would they charge extra? DS's (independent) school (very inclusive, will deal with SN, etc, etc) bring in an Occupational Therapist - but because the NHS ones will not go into private schools the parents have to pay £60 a week extra for it.

Could you find DS a different Beaver colony maybe?

GooseyLoosey - re your post of 13.59

"I have rang up one local school and explained the issues fully and of course they said that that is just the sort of thing that they are equipped to deal with, but then they would wouldn't they"

I don't think they would say that unless they really did have the intention of helping. I looked at 2 private schools for my DS (who sounds similar to your DS, although younger).

School 1: Did not want anything to do with him, totally unwilling to help. No child with any sort of SEN or perceived/potential SEN allowed anywhere near the school.

School 2: (He is there now). Very understanding of mild social issues, very willing to help and have worked wonders with him.

If they said they'd help, it's worth a look - you can always walk away.

Re diagnosis - I feel the same with my DS at the moment. If it's aspergers, it's mild and I don't want him labelled and discriminated against etc because of it - a private school like DS's will help this sort of problem without a diagnosis. A state school - I don't know, but I would imagine that he'd need a diagnosis to qualify for extra help.

FWIW I don't think it was a "horrible" thing for the other parent to do - she has to defend her child, and the over-intensity of being the sole friend of a child who can't pick up social signals can be very wearing and stressful (I know, my DS has been in that situation). Yes it would have been better if she could have addressed it directly with the OP, but that is a very hard conversation to have.

Well some schools leave it largely up to the dcs while others have a more caring atmosphere,more accepting and try to get the children to include all in their play and develop social skills.
Also a bench in the yard/field where a child can sit if they have noone to play with and someone will come along and help them.
Also a buddy scheme where older children play with those who are struggling in the yard.

Not rough (well not often) but very domineering. He has learned how to approach other children and join in their games (and it took a while and much help from us) but once he joins in he always wants things to be done his way. He is very loud and I think quieter children might just get talked down.

One other parent has complained about him. Her child just started at the school and said that ds was making her child scared to go into school. I was horrified by this. Both the school and I interrogated ds and he denied ever even speaking directly to this child and other parents had actually seen the child kicking ds. The school clearly were of the view that ds was not at fault. However, the other mother has told many, many people about this.

I no longer know if I am seeing my son objectively - to me he is a nice, if slightly odd person - most definitely not a monster. But I am not sure that is how other children see him and which is the correct view. I have to help him.

I think it is important to put the ball firmly in the school's court. You wil of course support them and your ds, but there is a limit to how much you can influence his behaviour at school.

My ds1 is similar in that he was academically well advanced, but lagging in social skills and physical skills. After a few incidents in Y1 and Y2, when he had mis-interpreted how the children were expected to behave and therefore overeacted, and another occasion which looked like he was bullying a child but turned out to be that he had completely misread the social cues and was devastated at what he had done, I asked the school what action they could implement to help him. As a result, they used their SN resources to include ds1 in a social skills group.

The infant school has an SN unit, and use it as a resource to help non-SN children as well. Which I didn't know until I asked what they would do about it.

I think it helped, because the incidents stopped happening, and ds started talking about more children, not just about the same two boys that he played with. He still doesn't get many playdate invitations, but I get the impression that he is doing better socially.

He needs a school that has a learning support team, access to an educational psychologist and experience with children who have aspergers. Academically, he needs work that challenges him, socially he needs support in this. Please do be aware that children at a private school live all over the place though so it may not help his social skills as he'll have no one to play with in the school hoildays. The holidays are often a little longer, try and get a second hand uniform from the school as new ones are expensive.
There is a book that helped ds called the unwritten rules of friendship. It's a social skills book and helps them to look at their own behaviour and how it affects making friends. Someone on here recommended it and it has really helped. Ds has a few friends now rather then none. Your ds will still need to make friends outside school so it might help him aswell. I'd love to say that it's as easy as having an older friend who looks after them but it isn't. He needs to learn these skills, they don't come easily to some children, some have problems with maths or english, others with social skills. He's lucky that he has a loving mum who cares so much for him and wants to help him. I'm in derby if you are close. I will be more then happy to meet up and have a chat.

Would you consider home educating as an option Gooseyloosey? Then he could take things at his own pace iyswim.

Stealth, I agree that the other mother was doing the right thing by her child and she did ring me up afterwards to try and talk to me about it - I had to tell her I was too upset (I was crying on the phone) but I understood what she and done and why. Dh talked to her later. I still want to scream at her though!

Forgot to mention that, until these incidents, the school didn't see any problems with his behaviour - despite my bringing it up as a concern at every parent-teacher meeting. There is only so much that they observe, and that is generally in the classroom, rather than the playground - two very different environments.

Pretty - that sounds familiar - we have been mentioning our social concerns to the school from the outset but (sadly), it has taken complaints from other parents to do anything.

Fluffy - am in South West so sadly Derby is a long way away.

Not sure I could home ed - have given it fleeting consideration but would acknowledge that I am lacking in the patience department, so do not think it would go well for all concerned .

Thanks again all of you for talking to me!

Goosey - I have x posted with you

My DS is younger and this is his first term at school, so your DS is a lot further along, but I will try to tell you a bit anyway.

Today I was given an "individual education plan" for my son (from head of nursery). It's a sheet of A4 paper about him.

It says things like (these are way to young for your DS, but I'm just trying to show you the effort that the school are making)

-encouraging him to join in with with peers and making sure that he feels secure and happy by regualarly talking to him
-asking other children to hold his hand when walking to/from lunch etc (IMO, this also teaches these children to help others where necessary so is very valuable to them as well)
-making sure that if he is asked to do something, he understands the reason why he has been asked and helping him to do it if necessary

I am at the other mother asking for your DS to be kept away from her child. That is extremely hurtful and I would have been horrified to hear something like that.

Perhaps ask the schools specifically how they help - could they give an example (obv without names) of a child they had helped etc.

This has suddenly reminded me of a boy in my ds2 class who has recently joined from another school and is being very loud in class~shouting in childrens ears etc
also rather wild and unaware in his behaviour.
It is awful,but his mum invited my ds to a water park last week and ds was busy ~ but while I will happily go over to play I couldn't let him go alone with them to a water park having seen how he doesn't see danger and is rough etc.

I do think that if you would struggle to afford a private school it is something to think very hard about - specifically, as I said earlier, because it often means that you will no longer have access to NHS resources for any extra help your DS may need and will end up funding those privately as well. If you are otherwise happy with the school I would be more inclined to spend any money you can spare on private Occupational Therapist assessment/sessions to help "teach" the social stuff. It has worked wonders with one of DS's friends and he has recently made some very hard and incredibly mature decisions in tricky friendship situations.

It's really hard as a parent to have a child like this. You want to do everything to help them, you sit down and talk to them about the things they do but you can't be at school with them to guide them. I'm so anxious all the time, just hping he's OK and there have been no problems. You can support them as much as possible but if the school are not backing you up and helping whist your child is there it's 100 times harder. It's very difficult for your child to remove the 'naughty' label, often no matter how much they try. Parent's attitudes also stick. Children do often go home and say "X did this at school", even when x didn't, they get so use to saying it that they just carry on regardless. You also have the added problem of rocking the boat by moving him as it's unfamiliar, new people, new rules. I'm going to gently ease ds into the new school (providing they offer him a place!), morning's only for a while, then collect him for lunch and take him back after before full days. I'm hoping he'll feel happier if he gets to know everyone rather then jumping in. I'll see. I had to explain to the new head that he has not had an assessment because everyone assumes he's the naughty kid.

To be honest, the school your son is at sound's alot more supportive then the one my ds attends so I wouldn't move him just yet. They want to help which is very positive. I'd be inclined to chat to the senco and get hold of the book I suggested (Unwritten rules of friendship). Private school's (from experience) don't always want to help. By the sounds of it, there's more reasons to keep him where he is, even if he's having problems making friends then things can be done to help him where he is. Moving is only ever a last resort as it is upsetting for them.

LeninGrad - I know you are right. Infact I have invited her and her dh around to my house for drinks (we are/were friends). I think I may need a few before they arrive to help me through. I really do understand why she did what she did, but a very primitive part of me hates her for it - I am trying to get over it.

Fluffy - I know what you mean about ds automatically getting the blame. They have recently had a supply teacher in for a month and one evening, I talked to her about ds. She said that whenever she asks who had done something, the other children blame ds even when she has actually seen the culprit and knows that it was not him. Of course they don't get away with it, but it shows that they do see him as a soft target. This enrages him as he has a very strict sense of justice.

Are there people who can teach the social stuff - really? This sounds great! I could easily afford that (we are reasonably well off, but £20k to send 2 children to private school would be a nightmare). How could I dress it up to ds so he did not know he was being singled out for being "odd" and where does one find such marvellous people?

I think most parents go by two things,firstly who their child chooses to have over and secondly avoiding a child who might cause their child harm.
For me,with the choice side of it, I would still invite a child my dc hadn't asked for over to return the favour,or as a family friend.
If a child was very badly behaved or aggressive I would still invite them over with their mum,as long as the mum didn't ignore very bad behaviour and could keep things under control.

I think OT's help with social skills, if I remember correctly there's something called brain gym that also helps but I found the book really helpful. Ds went from having no friends as he would just rush into games, to having a handful. The rest of the children were nicer to him aswell which really helped. He is a soft target aswell, I recognise the strict sense of justice (this is covered in the book )

Fluffy, I have ordered the book! I guess none of you think that I should try talking to the other mothers?

Occupational Therapists (good ones) and others can "teach" the social stuff. As for how you sell it to DS, the mother I know sat her DS down and talked through how, in life, most people find some things easy and some things hard. I am sure your DS knows of examples of children who have extra help in one aspect or another - he did, and clearly acknowledged that he found the academic stuff easy. She then 'sold' OT (and other) sessions to him as being the extra help he needed to understand the playground stuff, which he did find hard.

Get to your GP - talk to them, and then tell them you are prepared to / able to pay for sessions if they can recommend the right people.

Am very keen to avoid GP - as I said, I live in a village, lovely GP but has a child in ds's class at school - all too personal for me. Do you think you can just ring them up out of the blue with no referral?

I think you should start with the mother you have already invited. Then see who else DS is not entirely averse to playing with, and see if you can invite the child and parent over so that they can see you and your DS for themselves instead of just through their DC's reports. The children I don't want to invite are not those who, whilst hard work, are well "parented" (i.e. have limits, parents react to behaviour, etc, etc) - they are those whose parents I have observed ignoring / condoning behaviour I consider unacceptable - in a couple of cases, I partly don't invite them because I don't want my DS going on return visits as I don't trust the parents to take care of him . Clearly your DS falls into the first category, but you need to prove that to the parents...