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Original poster

Please help me decide whether to have a third baby

52 replies

Doctorskidaddle · 10/04/2009 17:10

I just don't know what to do. If I tell you the pro's and con's, can you please help me decide? (Yes, I know only I can make the decision but I just want a bit of help please)

OK, PROS
DH wants another
I don't feel our family is complete and would love to have three children
DD (3.5) would love a little brother or sister
We've both always wanted a big family
I never thought DS (15 months) would be my last
I love being a parent and so does DH and I especially love babies

CONS
We are pretty tight for money and would struggle financially (i.e. no holidays, not much spending money - not to the extent of being in poverty)
I dread the whole being pg, giving birth and newborn stage (but also kind of relish it!)
Our contracts are both temporary (me 2 years and DH 3 years) so worse case scenario - we could both be unemployed with 3 DC to suppport - but I am 35 and don't want to wait another 2-3 years before TTC
I wouldn't want to work full-time with a young baby but also couldn't really afford not to
We have a lovely happy family as we are and I'm scared of spoiling that (even though I'm sure having another would probably make it even better)
I know this is a bit poncey but I feel like I would be being a bit environmentally irresponsible having yet another baby (please don't take offence if you have lots of DC - I would never think this of anyone else)

Oh gosh, I just don't know - although I do notice that I have put a caveat after almost every con....
Any advice, experience,suggestions greatly appreciated- I am driving myself (and DH) demented with my indecision
Thank you

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CarGirl · 10/04/2009 17:12

How about considering being sterlised so there will not be another at all?

FAQinglovely · 10/04/2009 17:17

cargirl - don't you think that's a little drastic when she's still at the stage of being not sure whether she wants another or not

Just one thing - you say you love babies..........but don't forget they don't stay babies for long and then you've got a child..........

pginthecloset · 10/04/2009 17:17

All your pros are heart feelings.

All your cons are practical head feelings.

What will you regret more down the line. Having a third, or never having tried...

I can't decide for you but, I'm definitely a gut feeling person. (and biased because I'm pg with number 3 )

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CarGirl · 10/04/2009 17:22

If you think about being sterlised it kind of focuses you on whether your family is complete or not!!!

Well it does for me!!

I "knew" when my family was complete so I'd say you really still want another.

Original poster

Doctorskidaddle · 10/04/2009 17:26

cargirl - I am completely horrified at the thought of being sterilised! But I htink that would be true even if I didn;t want another tbh

pginthecloset - that is true about all my pro's being feelings (hadn;t realised that at all) but sometimes it isn't sensible to go with your feelings, don't you think? My current feeling is of your current pg state

OP posts:

thirtysomething · 10/04/2009 17:28

It does sound like you and DH both want one. As others say it's all very logical reasons you give for not having another one but they're not gut feelings, more practical worries.

I went through the same - in our case it was not wanting to push our luck/rock the boat, and because DD was such a time-consuming child I didn't have the energy for another till she was 3-4 by which time it started to feel "too late" for us as a family for various reasons. DH also went off the idea as soon as we had our first holiday without nappies and pushchair and couldn't be persuaded otherwise.

A friend once said you never regret the children you've had; only the ones you wanted but didn't have. I would definitely agree with this in my case. i will always yearn for the 3rd we never managed to have......However I have friends who feel their family is complete at 1 or 2 children. Only you and DH can decide what's right for your family!!

Original poster

Doctorskidaddle · 10/04/2009 17:34

thanks thirtysomething - I have always ascribed to that view that you never regret the children you do have only those that you don't.

Is not having had another something that really eats you up and is hard to live with, or just a vague longing? I also have a strong feeling of not wanting to push our luck and just appreciate how great we have it. Does appreciating how great your DC(s?) is outweigh your longing?

OP posts:

MuffinBaker · 10/04/2009 17:36

We have 3.

Were hoping for four.

Two was so much easier but it didn't feel enough.

3 is a lot harder than 2 ime.

MuffinBaker · 10/04/2009 17:38

We pushed our luck to have number 3. We just didn't know it though.

Original poster

Doctorskidaddle · 10/04/2009 17:39

how do you mean you pushed your luck MB?

Having 3 is really harder than having 2?

OP posts:

pginthecloset · 10/04/2009 17:40

I do agree that sometimes carelessly going with feelings is not sensible, and I am a very sensible person .

But you are considering the issues. Are any of them insurmountable? In your worst case scenario, you are both jobless. But that is 3 years away! No one knows what's round the corner, even if you have a secure permanent job now.

If it feels right, and you and your DH want a baby then do it! I've been on mumsnet a while and followed a few 'shall we have a third?' threads. And one thing that no-one says, is that they regret having their 3rd baby .

Also, I completely understand the bit about 'pushing your luck'. I look at our life with my lovely boys and think, have I tempted fate by asking for more? But i believe that we were meant to have this baby and I am steadily starting to look forward to the challenges and joy ahead.

MuffinBaker · 10/04/2009 17:41

I nearly died giving birth and he nearly died trying to be born.

It is completely different.

1 was easy.

1 to 2 was easy.

2 to 3 is so different.

Different ages, needs, abilities.

But a younger one who thinks he is the same as the older two.

I love him so much though and he loves me the best.

ScorpiowithabigS · 10/04/2009 17:42

I didn't find 2-3 hard at all, i adore my third baby and before she was here i 'missed' her already, iyswim.

We are hoping for a fourth baby soon (i mc after dc3 but heres to hoping) and who knows after.... [manic cackle]

FAQinglovely · 10/04/2009 17:42

should perhaps say - I always wanted 2 children, until I had DS2, then realised I wanted a 3rd (and maybe even 4th) . DH didn't want any more (he didn't really want 2 but that's beside the point). I fell pg accidentally, MAP failed and we ended up with 3.

Money was tight, our relationship already on the rocks (we split up when DS3 was 9 months old, but a year on from the split are "dating" again) on paper it was the most foolish thing I could have done to carried on with the pg.

I'll be perfectly honest - I found the jump from 1-2 infinitely harder than 2-3 - and 2-3 seemed less expensive as well (I think because by then we knew what crap NOT to buy lol). Would I turn back the clock - despite the practical things that became harder once I had DS3 - no way in hell.

Would I still have wanted 3 children, and indeed even when DH and I were totally separate last year I still wanted a 4th (still do - but now I'm seeing DH again I can rule that one out).

If you want my opinion (and tough if you don't I'm giving it anyhow ). If you both want another - then do it. You'll get over the practical obstacles.

CarGirl · 10/04/2009 17:42

My 3rd was the hardest but mainly because she had undiagnosed silent reflux until he was 6 months old. 4th was a doddle, she is very naughty now she is 3.5 though.......

Original poster

Doctorskidaddle · 10/04/2009 17:46

gosh MB - thank goodness you are both OK. Well unlike you I found:
0-1 - hard
1-2 extremely hard
so goodness knows how I will find 2-3!!
I can understand how it must be difficult trying to keep them all entertained and happy with three such different ages though

pginthecloset - you sound so positive and calm, I think I will use you as my guineapig - see how you find having 3 and if all goes well TTC myself!!! When are you due (soon please )?

OP posts:

CarGirl · 10/04/2009 17:50

In my case I have the oldest and then a 5.5 year gap and then 3 very close in age so if I look at the 3 youngest gong from 1-2 was hard but 2-3 was easy because number 2&3 entertained each other - hope that makes sense!

Original poster

Doctorskidaddle · 10/04/2009 17:51

scorpio - that's one of the things that worries me - that once I've got 3 I'll want a 4th! And so it will go on until I hit the menopause..

FAQ - that is really good to hear (not about you and your DH spltting up obviously) - I imagined 2-3 would be easier than 1-2. Your DS3 must have been determined to be your number 3 when even the MAP didn't stop him!!

OP posts:

pginthecloset · 10/04/2009 17:52

not soon! I'm only 10 weeks and due in November, so at least I've got time to get used to the idea of three!

I will say that early pregnancy with 2 children is very tiring though!

FAQinglovely · 10/04/2009 17:53

oh yes - and he's still a stubborn little creature now at 22 months

ScorpiowithabigS · 10/04/2009 17:53

I want 50

i think you do notice the jump but in a great 'look at all these little faces' way. Then after 3 you don't notice anymore

thirtysomething · 10/04/2009 20:19

sorry Doctor only just come back on...in answer to your Question I don't yearn for the third I didn't have all day every day, it just comes to me sometimes when I see a newborn or hear a nice name and catch myself thinking if we'd had a third.....I often wonder what he/she would have been like and how he/she would have fitted in with my other two DC, stuff like that. But it's not a desperate sad all day every day kind of yearning and when it kicks in I remind myself of my blessings etc.

Merrylegs · 10/04/2009 20:28

I have three.

1-2 was grim at first- but there were only 22 months between them.

2-3 was so much easier - the age gap was 3.5.

I would say if you are yearning for a third, you will always yearn.

I thank my lucky stars every day (even when she is being tricky, and even when the holiday costs extra, and a family ticket is for 2 adults and 2 kids, and they can't all have friends over because the car isn't big enough and my one child friends are going on fab holidays, and we are on a day trip to Yarmouth) that I have my 3rd, my little girl.

Best mistake of my life!

nikos · 11/04/2009 09:53

I found 2-3 tough and I think 3 is much harder work. TBH if you found 1-2 really hard I would think long and hard about number 3. Do you have family backup? If you want to work remember there is three little people to get sick and if one gets something it passes round them all.
One of the biggest changes is that your life becomes much more chore based with less time to spend with children. There is so much more troubleshooting and life just generally becomes more chaotic.

Original poster

Doctorskidaddle · 11/04/2009 11:36

well DH and I had a big dicussion about it last night and we decided to go for it. Then he had a complete turnaround and decided we couldn;t afford it and we have to wait at least a year well I suppose I can't really talk - I change my mind every other day

nikos - I think I found 1-2 really hard because of things specific to DD and DS - DD was VERY jealous and I had a nightmare BF DS - 8 weeks of mastitis/thrush/pain due to tongue tie etc so that made the jealousy issue worse. So I don;t think the fact that i found that really hard necessarily means I will find 2-3 hard (obviously there will be a whole host of other factors at play so I can't really predict).

merrylegs - that is interesting about the age gap - do you think that is why you found 2-3 easier? Like you I don't think the things about holidays etc would bother me too much

thirtysomething - glad it doesn't eat you up - I can imagine feeling like that whenever you see a newborn though

pginthecloset - well that is FAR too long for me to wait! Suppose I'll just have to make a decision all by myself...

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