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Parenting

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Original poster

please help me

18 replies

SparklyGothKat · 04/04/2009 07:58

Not sure if I am posting in the right place.. I am so tired...

Anyway my husband has sereve arthisis (sp) in his knees, and when he has a flareup he can't even move.
We have 4 children, Ds1, 11 who has cerebral palsy, Dd1, 8 who has cerebral palsy, Adhd and learning disabilities, DD2, 7 and Ds2, 17 months. I have to do everything atm as his knees are very swollen and stiff and he is struggling to even get upstairs to bed. He went to the GPs yesterday and he gave him more painkillers. I am so tired.. I need help, but DH refuses to claim DLA and won't let me get in touch with social services to see if I can get more help.

Can anyone give me advice on what help I can get please? DD1 goes to a carer twice a month

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 04/04/2009 08:00

I would sit down with your dh and broach the subject of getting more help in tbh, it's all very well him not wanting to get help but he's not the one doing everything, I can understand his reasons for not wanting to but I don't think they outweigh your reasons for needing more help.

I hope you get more help soon, you must be exhausted!

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 04/04/2009 08:06

i am sooooo tired.. I always doing something, don't stop from 7am when DS2 wakes to 1am when I finally get to bed... and Ds2 doesn't always sleep through, last friday I managed to get 1 hours sleep.. [tired emotion]

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 04/04/2009 08:08

You can't carry on like that can you. How can your dh expect you to carry on doing that when you may be able to get some help?

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mrspnut · 04/04/2009 08:10

You could ask social services to assess your needs as a carer, and they can then put in place things to support you. You don't need his agreement to have yourself assessed.

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 04/04/2009 08:16

thats what i thought, but when his knees aren't swollen to double their normal size, he can do small things around the house, he can't drive anymore as he can't do the clutch, which he is finding very hard to come to terms with. I told him to ask the GP to refer him back to the hospital (last seen there about 4 years ago) and he didn't I snapped and said 'what, do you like living like this then!!!' He has to go back in 2 weeks, to see if the swelling has gone down..

OP posts:

Flower3545 · 04/04/2009 09:03

Agree with other posters, you can't carry on. What will happen if you collapse from sheer exhaustion?

Has he said why he won't apply for DLA or ask social services for help?

hotcrosspurepurple · 04/04/2009 09:20

however much it hurts his pride to ask for help, you need it
being a carer for 5 people is going to end in you having a breakdown
who will look after them all when you are in hospital?

tell him you need help, for all your sakes

madairyMilkEggday · 07/04/2009 15:19

You sound so shattered, Sparkly. I agree with the others that you cannot carry on like this, and need to lay it all out before him, that his not wanting to get extra help is affecting you and the dcs and your general quality of life as a family. He sounds like he could be entitled to DLA if it is affecting his daily life in such a huge way, and if so you may also be entitled to carer's allowance (do you get that already for your older dc? Not sure how it all works, if so) - but either way, you need a break, it is too much and it is going to run you into the ground if you carry on.
Sorry not to have more advice, but the DLA etc could make a big difference. Also with the car, would it be possible for him to try an automatic? Or is he finding the brake/accelarator too difficult now too? Just a thought.
Hope things improve for you soon.

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 08/04/2009 16:49

I get DLA for the older 2 and I get Carers allowence for Ds1 and DH gets Carers allowence for Dd1. He is coming round to the idea of claiming DLA for him as I said he would be able to get an automatic car and I drive the huge van!! He is sooo down atm, he can't even help cook a meal as he can't stand at the cooker for long. He has depression anyway and I fear this will set him further back.

OP posts:

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 08/04/2009 16:53

I have been giving him small things to do, like peeling potatoes for dinner, he has been folding clothes while sitting down etc, so he doesn't feel worthless but he can't play with the kids and he is hating that too. He went back to the GP on monday and she just gave him codine which makes him spin out so he isn't taking them

OP posts:

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 27/04/2009 21:44

DH has been referred back to the hospital now. I have phoned for DLA forms, and am phoning SS in the morning to ask for more help. I have been doing everything and DH is still unable to help with the children, I am shattered now and am snapping at everyone.. not sure how much more I can take

OP posts:

pottycock · 27/04/2009 21:47

He needs to listen to you and let you get some help. You can't possibly go on like this without hitting a wall SGK. Hope you get on ok with SS tomorrow. Is he happy for you to apply for DLA for him?

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 27/04/2009 22:01

yes he is ok about the DLA, I am not sure when to do it as although he was dxd with arthisis about 4 years ago he has be ok with it, his knees have always clicked and he got pain on and off but its been over a month since this flare up happened and its not easing, and its really affecting his life, he can't even get upstairs to bed anymore and has been sleeping on the sofa.

OP posts:

softgirl · 30/05/2009 14:31

Hi - not read all the posts in detail so sorry if I repeat something. Not sure what arthisis is but I have RA (rheumatoid arthritis) and when both my kids were born (now 9 and 5) I was bedbound coz of my knees. I now drive an auto which has helped. Also my Health Visitor tried to get me help with HomeStart - unfortunately there were not enough volunteers in my area but it may be worth a try in the short term. Your hubby needs to understand he can either have help or a broken wife - and if you break, what then? He'll have to have help but then it will be crisis time. Best to get it now. Hope it gets better xx

mears · 30/05/2009 14:38

Sparkly - my DH has rheumatoid arthritis and once he had a severe flare up which was treated really successfully with sulfasalazine. He is no longer on it and is well at the moment. Hope he gets an appointment through soon. Is he on anti-inflammatory medication?

SimpleAsABC · 30/05/2009 20:58

I have DU who has no muscle in one of his thighs (it disintegrated, not the right word but you'll know what I mean, whilst he was waiting on an op to fix his knee). They were finally granted DLA and it appears to have made quite a big diff to them.

Not advice, and prob not helpful but I am in the sharing mood tonight!

pushkar · 04/09/2009 20:40

arthritis have you tried organic coconut oil eaten and stirred into drinks and food
have you asked for respite weekends from your local social services doctors drugs dont treat the cause you may also want to try homeopathy.
A good homeopath could help the best one I know is chris boardman the rosedale clinic reading but any student clinic could help their are many neals yard for one!!

for adhd look up bright spark a homeopathic remedy to help with meltdowns
contact -a-family should help as well outings saturday clubs help with increasing dla to a higher rate....

have you tried the listening program
the scotson technique
the sonrise program
applied behaviour analysis
biomedical intervention look up www.autism .com

all these things help with l;earning difficulties as does no sugar an organic food diet and zinc magnesium fish oils really important there is funding for all these things fromc caudwell trust.....

rosietoes · 09/09/2009 14:31

Just adding a bit for what it's worth. Nightshade family of veg (tomatoes, peppers, aubergine, courgettes and potatoes--all very healthy nice stuff sadly!) very bad for RA and inflammation. Try three weeks without them to see if his RA gets any better. Also, Enbrel (etanercept) is the only thing that works for two aunts with RA. With it, they can now walk. Without it, wheelchair.

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