Do you find it hard to like your child?

[alwaysmoving]

...or is it just me?

I am having a really hard time with my ds age almost 6. I also have 2 dd's age 7 and 3. The dd's have their difficult moments, like any child, but ds is another story. If he is not around for whatever reason we have a lovely calm house and everyone is happy. But when he is there (basically whenever he's not at school) it's chaos.

He wrecks whatever his sisters try to do, he barges into everything and causes arguments and fights, he has massive tantrums if he doesn't get 100% what he wants, he screams if I ask him to do something, anything.

We have tried reward charts, time-out, positive reinforcement, all the usual, but nothing much seems to have an effect. But that's not really the issue here - I feel I can just about "manage" him, but God he is bloody hard work. It feels like such a slog, I feel I can't leave him much with the others as problems arise within minutes, and it's just so hard to like/enjoy him.

He demands so much of my attention the girls are missing out. We do our best to give them all one to one. There is obviously still some jealousy but not sure what more we could do. I find myself imagining doing things with just the 2 girls and how much easier and more enjoyable it would be, then I feel guilty for thinking that. I love him so much and when I look at him sleeping I wonder why he drives me so crazy.

Can anyone relate to this?

Thanks again everyone.

Applepudding I would be surprised if food is an issue. He seems to get sugar-lows easily but I give him lots of snacks like bananas, toast, crackers, cheese etc. He eats most things really. When he was much younger I got caught out a couple of times when he lost it due to hunger but now I know to keep him topped up. He does love biscuits and sweeties, much more than the girls do, and will scoff as much of that kind of stuff as I let him, but I regulate it strictly!

Desiderata that's something to look forward to then! dd1 is already a bit hormonal I think.

LackaDAISYcal, I totally get that about feeling like you should be able to deal with him better. It just takes so much energy and creativity!

Today a friend said to me that she thought I should keep an eye on ds's "talking back" as she put it. Hmm. I know what she means, and people will not be so forgiving as he gets older, but if you have an "okay mum" kind of child you cannot know what the argumentative ones are like!

Thanks Beautiful.

Actually I see hardly anything of me in ds - I am organised, methodical, not very creative etc, and he is the opposite. Partly that's why he drives me crazy I suppose but also it can be lovely when he comes up with a really imaginative game/drawing/lego model which is something I have never been good at.

He is very much like dh in that way, although MIL doesn't recall dh being rude and argumentative. He was quite dreamy and stubborn though apparently.

beautiful, that is such a salient point for me about the irritation. sometimes just the way my DS lols about on the sofa with limbs flailing makes me want to scream. I had PND as well and although my relationship with DS1 as a baby didn't suffer from it, I have suffered from pretty bad depression for the last four years through two miscarriages, the death of two parents and two babies and things have gone downhill during that time. Of course he has suffered the same life events as me, and we have moved twice and he has had new nursery then school to deal with so it's no wonder he is a bit conflicted. I just wish I could do something to help him.

We do try to counter his attacks with the opposite behaviour, so when he is screaming "I hate you" at the top of his lungs, DH and and I tell him that it's a good job that we love him though, and if he is trying to lash out we tell him we want to give him a hug.

We bought the companion book to How to Talk called Siblings Without Rivalry which has some good pointers in as well and i think i have a copy of raising boys somewhere......need to dig it out.

Always -I could have written your OP. Whilst I would kill (or be killed) for my eldest he can be bloody irritating and infuraiting and bloody minded and contrary and ultimately UNLIKEABLE a lot of the time. I too feel guilty when that behaviour means I don't pay attention to the other one. It's like he sucks the oxygen out of the room sometimes. I think some childen are just hard wired like this I'm afraid. You have my sympathy - been there and got the T shirt!!

An amazing thing just happened.

Usual kind of day etc, then my friend arrives to pick up dd1. Trying to have a 2-minute conversation with the other mum before they leave and ds is jumping over me and pulling and interrupting as usual. It's one of the things I find most annoying and we've been working hard on it recently, reminding to wait etc. If I ever try to talk to anyone - one of his sisters or my friends or dh, anyone - ds does whatever he can to get my attention, shouting "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!" with increasing volume, then if I ignore that he starts doing something he knows I have to pay attention to like running away or climbing something. It's the usual negative attention thing but believe me he does get good attention - I talk to him and play with him a lot.

Anyway, today I gave him the sign to wait, which he knows, then spoke to my friend for about another minute then she left. I turned to ds and told him I was cross with him for interrupting, he should have waited when i told him to wait and I would only be one minute. For some reason I decided to take a firm approach and told him to go and sit down for 5 minutes then come and tell me why I was angry. This is the unbelievable part - he frowned and WALKED AWAY. No screaming, shouting, nothing. Am still in shock, don't think this has ever happened before. Afer 5 minutes I went to him and asked him why I had been cross with him and he said "Because I kept interrupting you." I asked him to say sorry which he did, then he went off to play and here I am!

So there you go. I must be giving out a MN vibe or something.

Congratulations! Now you feel yourself to be the brilliant mum you really are. Onwards and upwards. (Hope for us all!)

Thankyou!

However now I hear squealing from dd2 so feel the moment of triumph may be over....

Should have known a few MN-minutes during the day was too good to be true!

Many teachers will not be experienced with ADHD or other related disorders and certainly would never be able to dx a child. But from what you are saying, it may be worth having him observed by and ed psych in the classroom. They would be able to tell you if he may have any particular learning difficulties, which in turn could be related to a disorder. Either way, it could help him and you cope better in and out of school.

A developmental pediatrician or child psych could assess him - you can ask for a referral via your gp.

My ds aged 6.8 has dx of ADHD, so a lot of what you are saying I can understand. I think if you are at the point where you say "I don't like my child", you need a little help.

Ican do that, I made appt with teacher today, so will see what she says. But as I said we are not in UK so it would be summer before we can get him seen, unless we make a special trip back.

We are not registered with GP in UK so would have to go to a private psychologist.

Ooops, sorry - didn't read that you were not in UK.
Good luck!

Thanks, will let you know what teacher says, although she has not been very communicative in the past!

Glad you had a good day today!

When I mentioned one to one time, the reason was that I think whether you "like" your child, even when their behaviour is poor, is related to how much empathy you feel for them, and I think one to one time can often build empathy such that it is easier to like a child who is behaving badly iyswim.

If your ds is quite different to you it might mean that you find it easier to undestand and empathise with your dds with less time and effort.

Podrick I can sort of see what you're saying. Certainly dd2 is very like me and I have always found her easy to handle although I'm sure that's not the only reason. DD1 is a mixture and can be a stroppy madam but is an adult pleaser which means a lot of the behaviour issues are avoided.

We do our best for one to one time. DH is away until tomorrow though and this happens at least once a month.

Well I don't expect more 1 to 1 time will sort out all the behaviour issues in a flash but i feel for you when you say sometimes you don't feel like you "like" your ds and i wondered if building empathy would help.

my ds2 sounds just like your little boy. hes just over 3 and doesn't really speak so we are wating forever for a speech theapy appt.in the mean time we are getting help with his behaviour through his pre school( the health visitor has filled in forms but didn't offer any practical help). he has a pacemaker which is set quite high, so when he went for his last heart check up i asked if they could turn him down abit. i'm hoping that this will calm him down and i'm not on tender hooks with him all the time. i totally agree that you love and like him when he's asleep. it's just when they are awake your blood pressure rises!!! good luck. your not alone

Hi all, appreciate this is 16 years old!!! But would love to know how your little boys turned out when they became much bigger boys!
I too have the same situation with an easy DD and a very difficult DS. I am sooo glad I have found this thread. Even if nobody replies, I am going to save it and regularly read through for comfort ☺️