Do you find it hard to like your child?

[alwaysmoving]

...or is it just me?

I am having a really hard time with my ds age almost 6. I also have 2 dd's age 7 and 3. The dd's have their difficult moments, like any child, but ds is another story. If he is not around for whatever reason we have a lovely calm house and everyone is happy. But when he is there (basically whenever he's not at school) it's chaos.

He wrecks whatever his sisters try to do, he barges into everything and causes arguments and fights, he has massive tantrums if he doesn't get 100% what he wants, he screams if I ask him to do something, anything.

We have tried reward charts, time-out, positive reinforcement, all the usual, but nothing much seems to have an effect. But that's not really the issue here - I feel I can just about "manage" him, but God he is bloody hard work. It feels like such a slog, I feel I can't leave him much with the others as problems arise within minutes, and it's just so hard to like/enjoy him.

He demands so much of my attention the girls are missing out. We do our best to give them all one to one. There is obviously still some jealousy but not sure what more we could do. I find myself imagining doing things with just the 2 girls and how much easier and more enjoyable it would be, then I feel guilty for thinking that. I love him so much and when I look at him sleeping I wonder why he drives me so crazy.

Can anyone relate to this?

alwaysmoving,

i have exactly the same problems with my son, and feel exactly the same way at times.
it is hard to have a child that challenging and exhausting, you are only human.

dont feel bad, use that energy to find things that you can do together to keep you relationship going strong.

kaz that is my son exactly.

did u say ur son has a DX?

Well that was a very honest OP. I suspect, deep down, that you do really like him, but that you are struggling with his behaviours and it's hard, hard work and he's a whirly gig through your house causing havoc, and life would be simpler if he just put his shoes/ sat at the table/ stopped shouting when asked. I think lots and lots of people feel like this tbh, so don't feel bad about it or about him.

You might just need to do things differently? What worked for the other two, just doesn't work for him. I like Kaz's list, and also echo Cornsilk with looking at How to Talk, because it's good. Draw up a battle plan, make some lists, have a re-think. Some children are harder work than others - but that's what this parenting lark is all about. Don't feel bad about it - get prepared instead!

Thanks kaz, he sounds just like ds! And we use very similar strategies. In particular we found he doesn't respond to rewards and punishments. If he gets really really angry or is aggressive we put him in his room to calm down, which can take 20 minutes or more. He shouts insults and trashes the room sometimes. I often wonder why he gets so angry.

I have the How to Talk book somewhere - thanks for reminding me about it, going to look at it again.

Well I keep saying this, but it really is good for managing your responses when things get stressy, and almost because of that I think it works.

DS2 used to get really angry, he's much better now he's 9. He just found everything stressful - noise, people, clothes, school everything really.

I found acknowledging that he was cross was helpful to us both - and we agreed that when he started to feel it, he'd go and do 40 jumps on the trampoline. I don't know if that worked - but what did work was saying 'your cross!' rather than 'don't shout at me!' or 'don't throw your shoes at your sister' or whatever.

Does he sleep well? What time is bedtime? And does he watch TV before bed?

This stuff makes a big diference to my dd's behaviour. So does getting some exercise after school and eating properly.

Sounds like my dd2 who has ADHD. I hadn't realised how draining it was and how much negativity had crept into our relationship until we had her diagnosis. I'd have a word with your SENCo and push for some assessment.

I've just gone into the living room - DS1 is singing right into DS2 ear some silly song, DS2 is ready to pounce on him. I say to DS2 is that song annoying, DS2 nods. I turn round to DS1 and say "Stop singing that song." When he has stopped I tell DS1 that DS2 finds the song annoying. One instruction at a time. Situation defused.

ADHD seems from my limited research to be one of those syndroms that is pooh poohed. But estimates of 5% population having ADHD means that in my son's class of 33 (nearly two children have it to some extent). I suspect it runs heavily through my family on both sides. However it can accompany success - my dad is a very successful business man but also increased preponderance to substance abuse and depression.

Most of the time I like them. DS does a reasonable amount of singing and I love to hear him practise his stuff. Every time I've mentioned practising this weekend though, he has sung:

Mamma Mia
I've got diarrhea
Splish splosh
Oops I missed the toilet

Hideous and exasperating child. He was perfectly in tune though.

Trying to think what my ds would do in the situations you described.

AHundredTimes, when he is calm (occasionally) we can talk about things he could do when angry, but when he loses it he really loses it. If I told him to go and jump on the trampoline when he was about to tantrum, I think he would say no on principle, no matter what we had agreed beforehand. But I will try it though.

Podrick he sleeps about 7.30/8pm until 7am, which I think is fine. Sometimes despite all my attempts to avoid it he will be ranting at raving about something at bedtime, which means he goes to sleep later. This is particularly annoying as he shares a room with dd2 meaning she can't fall asleep either.

I've noticed that he needs regular food or he's worse, but that's easy to do.

He watches TV before dinner during the week, more flexible at weekends though, and only DVD's as we don't have any TV channels where we are. It's the only time he's quiet.

kaz33, again in the situation you describe I think he would say no on principle. Sometimes I can reason with him but it takes forever hence why he takes up so much of my time. At other times he will go straight for full-on screaming and can't even hear me.

He is in bed (we are 2 hours ahead of UK). Managed an ok bath-time (was dreading it as dh away!). Reasoned gently for about 10 minutes to get him out of bath, alternative would be to get more and more firm, count to 3, or just take him out after a warning, all of which would lead to screaming and later bedtime. But, having to do this with him meant that dd1 got virtually ignored and had to everything herself and dd2 got a quick dunk and speedy hairwash, which is a bit unfair really.

YeahBut, I will bring it up again with school. Would have to wait until we're back in UK on holiday if he does need assessment though.

Quattrocentro i remember that song from school!

You're a mum.
So the deal is you have to love them.
But you don't have to like them all the time.

Well it doesn't sound as though lack of sleep is a factor! Do you have any one to one time with your ds, and if so does this help you to enjoy each other's company?

Either me or dh takes dd1 and ds out somewhere alone on Saturdays, so they get every other Saturday, if that makes sense. I figure dd2 gets enough one to one as she's not at school yet. However dh works away a lot so sometimes this falls through, and as we don't live in UK we don't have family to help out.

He is better one to one as i can devote all my time to him, like any child I suppose. But the majority of the time I am juggling the 3 of them until dh comes home (usually just before their bedtime) and we can split the workload.

Has he got friends that could come around and play and he could go any play with them? He sounds like a very active boy and you are expecting him to behave like your girls. I had 3 of them and they are very active, if bored at that age they used to wrestle or play cricket down the hall etc. I found it irritating but they loved it so I used to go into another room and leave them to it.
It sounds to me as if he has the day at school where he has to conform and sit still, write etc and then when he comes out similar behaviour is expected. I think he needs to get rid of all the pent up energy and get exhausted-not easy I know.

Piscesmoon, we do that - we have about one playdate per week I would say, either he has a friend over or goes to their house. Also he's out and about taking dd1 to a couple of clubs and sports during the week when he gets to ride his bike or similar while we wait for her. I'm always waiting for him to go off on one wherever we are - one particular place we go where dd1 does dance lessons, I explain beforehand what will happen, what he can have etc, but still he demands ice creams and sweets from the shop the entire time and goes into a rage if I say no. I don't mind buying treats sometimes but not every time and not just to keep him quiet. And anyway as soon as he gets something he's demanding the next thing.

But as I said before due to where we live opportunities for spontaneously going out for exercise and fresh air are very limited.

I would say he mainly directs his aggression at family but he can also be very stroppy with friends if they don't do what he wants, and he can be rude to other adults too. Funnily enough he still has lots of friends - maybe being noisy and wild is an attractive thing if you are a 5 year old boy.

No. I don't dislike my DC. Ever. I find them hard work sometimes. But fortunately I happen to think they are delightful human beings by and large.

He probably realises you dislike him and gets more demanding in consequence. IME boys tend to be more direct in expressing their needs. I struggled with my youngest - he was very hard work for a long while, but now I feel rewarded as he is bright, loving and happy and much much easier.

DOn't expect any child to be the same as any other. They won't be.

As I said earlier Orm, I am full of admiration for parents who are endlessly positive about their dc. I try to be but he pushes me to the limit every day.

I don't always dislike him, obviously. And i always love him because he's my cute and funny boy. It's just that the way everything can be such a nightmare with him makes me realise how much easier it is when he's out of the equation. I know it's not nice to say that, I'm just being honest. I know children are all different and I try to accept that but it's bloody difficult day to day when I have two easier personalities in the family who are being ignored a lot as a result.

My eldest is our 'difficult child'. He is a senstive and emotional chap and just can't cope with his own emotions sometimes. He also hates change/new things so lots of occasions are difficult. And lots more besides. It is extremely frustrating!!!!

I will admit that sometimes I don't like him/his behaviour but I try to see it from his perspective and life must be bloody hard work for him too (as we seem to want him to do things he doesn't want to do when he doesn't want to do it all the time, ya de ya de ya de).

Hang on in there, I am sure it will get better! I try and diffuse things with humour as much as possible, that's my only 'tip'.

You've said that he 'needs regular food or he's worse' - are you careful with what you feed him e.g. e-numbers, sugar highs? I understand that children with ADHD can be affected by what they eat.

I would echo the suggestions saying to speak with the SENCo at your child's school to see whether they feel it would be appropriate for him to be assessed.

alwaysmoving, it may seem that the girls are a lot easier now, but that's fairly common.

Boys are a bit of a nightmare when they're young, and girls are good. That's a generalization, of course, but generalizing has its uses!

Girls tend to go off the rails a bit later, during mid to late adolescence. You're not out of the woods with the girls, you're not even in them yet, but hopefully, your son will be some compensation when that time comes

I understand your OP completely. I have a four year old, a very bright lad .. but he can't cope with crowds, and he can be extremely verbally agressive.

It's a struggle at the moment .. and yes, when he's told me 'shut up' and 'I hate you' for the fiftieth time in one day, I don't find myself liking him very much either!

just been poined here after starting a very similar thread this morning (in fact so similar it's scary)

My nearly 7 year old DS has much the same issues as yours alwaysmoving. I don't have a lot of advice but can offer a squeeze and a bucket full of empathy.

I have felt sometimes that I don't particularly like him, but feel like it's my fault for not being able to deal with him.

When he is on form though, he is funny and clever, thoughtful beyond words and cares about his two younger siblings very much. But, one minute he is trying to hug and kiss his little sister (five year age gap, so definate attention seeking issues) and then the next he is tormenting her and seems to have a cruel streak a mile wide

I have been driven to exhaustion by both of my boys in turn, and have felt as you do. There is lots of sound advice and positive encouragement here, to which I would just add "Hang on in there". Ds1 is now 8 and just a delight most of the time. The change came just after his 7th birthday, which was when we started to be able to spend time indoors together. Up to then, we had to be outside in a very large field!

Carbohydrates helped them a lot. A snack - biscuits and an apple - after school is essential still, and then they need their evening meal early, with lots of carbs.

How to Talk is great, but I'm hopeless at it. Must reread! Have you read Steve Biddulf too - Raising Boys?

Giving responsibility is good. Both of my boys really value/need one to one attention, and struggle to share me. One way round that is to give them responsibility for a task - laying the table etc - and then loads of praise for doing it.

HTH. Best of luck. It will get easier.

Alwaysmoving, I have a daughter who is 'easy' and and two boys, one a baby and one nearly five. The latter is hard, hard work in all the ways you describe. Much of your post could have been written by me and I, too, feel that you've had some harsh posts here. Who hasn't felt that life would be easier if you had a bigger kitchen, more money, a husband who worked closer to home, family living close, or even, whisper it, daughters rather than sons?!

I admire you for being so honest. I think many mothers find there are times when they don't particularly like their children/their children's behaviour. (To distinguish between these two seems to me to be hairsplitting. Bottom line is: we love our children, no questions asked. But just sometimes ...) I find humour helps. I find hugging when I want to shout helps. I find sitting down to read a story to DS1 while baby sleeps helps. But sometimes these don't help. What helps me is the odd weekend away (at the moment with just the baby). This gives me a break and my DS a break from me. I miss him while I am away.

Good luck, and know that there are lots of us out there who know exactly how you feel because we're feeling it too.

I 100% understand and empathise with the OP and everyone who agrees with her! My 5 y/o DS drives me wild quite a lot of the time, and I feel constantly guilty that I am much harder on him than I should be, just because his behaviour irritates me.

I didn't bond with him as a baby (PND), so I'm trying to do that now. It's working... slowly. I'm also giving him more respinsibility as that channels his energy/enthusiasm into more positive directions than when he's leaping all over the sofa & bouncing on his brother.

I grew up with a father who was very obviously irritated by me a lot of the time. He still is. I know now that it's because we're similar.