Do you find it hard to like your child?

[alwaysmoving]

...or is it just me?

I am having a really hard time with my ds age almost 6. I also have 2 dd's age 7 and 3. The dd's have their difficult moments, like any child, but ds is another story. If he is not around for whatever reason we have a lovely calm house and everyone is happy. But when he is there (basically whenever he's not at school) it's chaos.

He wrecks whatever his sisters try to do, he barges into everything and causes arguments and fights, he has massive tantrums if he doesn't get 100% what he wants, he screams if I ask him to do something, anything.

We have tried reward charts, time-out, positive reinforcement, all the usual, but nothing much seems to have an effect. But that's not really the issue here - I feel I can just about "manage" him, but God he is bloody hard work. It feels like such a slog, I feel I can't leave him much with the others as problems arise within minutes, and it's just so hard to like/enjoy him.

He demands so much of my attention the girls are missing out. We do our best to give them all one to one. There is obviously still some jealousy but not sure what more we could do. I find myself imagining doing things with just the 2 girls and how much easier and more enjoyable it would be, then I feel guilty for thinking that. I love him so much and when I look at him sleeping I wonder why he drives me so crazy.

Can anyone relate to this?

[ben5]

my ds2 sounds just like your little boy. hes just over 3 and doesn't really speak so we are wating forever for a speech theapy appt.in the mean time we are getting help with his behaviour through his pre school( the health visitor has filled in forms but didn't offer any practical help). he has a pacemaker which is set quite high, so when he went for his last heart check up i asked if they could turn him down abit. i'm hoping that this will calm him down and i'm not on tender hooks with him all the time. i totally agree that you love and like him when he's asleep. it's just when they are awake your blood pressure rises!!! good luck. your not alone

[Podrick]

Well I don't expect more 1 to 1 time will sort out all the behaviour issues in a flash but i feel for you when you say sometimes you don't feel like you "like" your ds and i wondered if building empathy would help.

[alwaysmoving]

Podrick I can sort of see what you're saying. Certainly dd2 is very like me and I have always found her easy to handle although I'm sure that's not the only reason. DD1 is a mixture and can be a stroppy madam but is an adult pleaser which means a lot of the behaviour issues are avoided.

We do our best for one to one time. DH is away until tomorrow though and this happens at least once a month.

[Podrick]

Glad you had a good day today!

When I mentioned one to one time, the reason was that I think whether you "like" your child, even when their behaviour is poor, is related to how much empathy you feel for them, and I think one to one time can often build empathy such that it is easier to like a child who is behaving badly iyswim.

If your ds is quite different to you it might mean that you find it easier to undestand and empathise with your dds with less time and effort.

[alwaysmoving]

Thanks, will let you know what teacher says, although she has not been very communicative in the past!

[ICANDOTHAT]

Ooops, sorry - didn't read that you were not in UK.
Good luck!

[alwaysmoving]

Ican do that, I made appt with teacher today, so will see what she says. But as I said we are not in UK so it would be summer before we can get him seen, unless we make a special trip back.

We are not registered with GP in UK so would have to go to a private psychologist.

[ICANDOTHAT]

Many teachers will not be experienced with ADHD or other related disorders and certainly would never be able to dx a child. But from what you are saying, it may be worth having him observed by and ed psych in the classroom. They would be able to tell you if he may have any particular learning difficulties, which in turn could be related to a disorder. Either way, it could help him and you cope better in and out of school.

A developmental pediatrician or child psych could assess him - you can ask for a referral via your gp.

My ds aged 6.8 has dx of ADHD, so a lot of what you are saying I can understand. I think if you are at the point where you say "I don't like my child", you need a little help.

[alwaysmoving]

Thankyou!

However now I hear squealing from dd2 so feel the moment of triumph may be over....

Should have known a few MN-minutes during the day was too good to be true!

[Smilewearingthin]

Congratulations! Now you feel yourself to be the brilliant mum you really are. Onwards and upwards. (Hope for us all!)

[alwaysmoving]

An amazing thing just happened.

Usual kind of day etc, then my friend arrives to pick up dd1. Trying to have a 2-minute conversation with the other mum before they leave and ds is jumping over me and pulling and interrupting as usual. It's one of the things I find most annoying and we've been working hard on it recently, reminding to wait etc. If I ever try to talk to anyone - one of his sisters or my friends or dh, anyone - ds does whatever he can to get my attention, shouting "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!" with increasing volume, then if I ignore that he starts doing something he knows I have to pay attention to like running away or climbing something. It's the usual negative attention thing but believe me he does get good attention - I talk to him and play with him a lot.

Anyway, today I gave him the sign to wait, which he knows, then spoke to my friend for about another minute then she left. I turned to ds and told him I was cross with him for interrupting, he should have waited when i told him to wait and I would only be one minute. For some reason I decided to take a firm approach and told him to go and sit down for 5 minutes then come and tell me why I was angry. This is the unbelievable part - he frowned and WALKED AWAY. No screaming, shouting, nothing. Am still in shock, don't think this has ever happened before. Afer 5 minutes I went to him and asked him why I had been cross with him and he said "Because I kept interrupting you." I asked him to say sorry which he did, then he went off to play and here I am!

So there you go. I must be giving out a MN vibe or something.

[willali]

Always -I could have written your OP. Whilst I would kill (or be killed) for my eldest he can be bloody irritating and infuraiting and bloody minded and contrary and ultimately UNLIKEABLE a lot of the time. I too feel guilty when that behaviour means I don't pay attention to the other one. It's like he sucks the oxygen out of the room sometimes. I think some childen are just hard wired like this I'm afraid. You have my sympathy - been there and got the T shirt!!

[LackaDAISYcal]

beautiful, that is such a salient point for me about the irritation. sometimes just the way my DS lols about on the sofa with limbs flailing makes me want to scream. I had PND as well and although my relationship with DS1 as a baby didn't suffer from it, I have suffered from pretty bad depression for the last four years through two miscarriages, the death of two parents and two babies and things have gone downhill during that time. Of course he has suffered the same life events as me, and we have moved twice and he has had new nursery then school to deal with so it's no wonder he is a bit conflicted. I just wish I could do something to help him.

We do try to counter his attacks with the opposite behaviour, so when he is screaming "I hate you" at the top of his lungs, DH and and I tell him that it's a good job that we love him though, and if he is trying to lash out we tell him we want to give him a hug.

We bought the companion book to How to Talk called Siblings Without Rivalry which has some good pointers in as well and i think i have a copy of raising boys somewhere......need to dig it out.

[alwaysmoving]

Thanks Beautiful.

Actually I see hardly anything of me in ds - I am organised, methodical, not very creative etc, and he is the opposite. Partly that's why he drives me crazy I suppose but also it can be lovely when he comes up with a really imaginative game/drawing/lego model which is something I have never been good at.

He is very much like dh in that way, although MIL doesn't recall dh being rude and argumentative. He was quite dreamy and stubborn though apparently.

[alwaysmoving]

Thanks again everyone.

Applepudding I would be surprised if food is an issue. He seems to get sugar-lows easily but I give him lots of snacks like bananas, toast, crackers, cheese etc. He eats most things really. When he was much younger I got caught out a couple of times when he lost it due to hunger but now I know to keep him topped up. He does love biscuits and sweeties, much more than the girls do, and will scoff as much of that kind of stuff as I let him, but I regulate it strictly!

Desiderata that's something to look forward to then! dd1 is already a bit hormonal I think.

LackaDAISYcal, I totally get that about feeling like you should be able to deal with him better. It just takes so much energy and creativity!

Today a friend said to me that she thought I should keep an eye on ds's "talking back" as she put it. Hmm. I know what she means, and people will not be so forgiving as he gets older, but if you have an "okay mum" kind of child you cannot know what the argumentative ones are like!

[BEAUTlFUL]

I 100% understand and empathise with the OP and everyone who agrees with her! My 5 y/o DS drives me wild quite a lot of the time, and I feel constantly guilty that I am much harder on him than I should be, just because his behaviour irritates me.

I didn't bond with him as a baby (PND), so I'm trying to do that now. It's working... slowly. I'm also giving him more respinsibility as that channels his energy/enthusiasm into more positive directions than when he's leaping all over the sofa & bouncing on his brother.

I grew up with a father who was very obviously irritated by me a lot of the time. He still is. I know now that it's because we're similar.

[Smilewearingthin]

Alwaysmoving, I have a daughter who is 'easy' and and two boys, one a baby and one nearly five. The latter is hard, hard work in all the ways you describe. Much of your post could have been written by me and I, too, feel that you've had some harsh posts here. Who hasn't felt that life would be easier if you had a bigger kitchen, more money, a husband who worked closer to home, family living close, or even, whisper it, daughters rather than sons?!

I admire you for being so honest. I think many mothers find there are times when they don't particularly like their children/their children's behaviour. (To distinguish between these two seems to me to be hairsplitting. Bottom line is: we love our children, no questions asked. But just sometimes ...) I find humour helps. I find hugging when I want to shout helps. I find sitting down to read a story to DS1 while baby sleeps helps. But sometimes these don't help. What helps me is the odd weekend away (at the moment with just the baby). This gives me a break and my DS a break from me. I miss him while I am away.

Good luck, and know that there are lots of us out there who know exactly how you feel because we're feeling it too.

[Notquitegrownup]

I have been driven to exhaustion by both of my boys in turn, and have felt as you do. There is lots of sound advice and positive encouragement here, to which I would just add "Hang on in there". Ds1 is now 8 and just a delight most of the time. The change came just after his 7th birthday, which was when we started to be able to spend time indoors together. Up to then, we had to be outside in a very large field!

Carbohydrates helped them a lot. A snack - biscuits and an apple - after school is essential still, and then they need their evening meal early, with lots of carbs.

How to Talk is great, but I'm hopeless at it. Must reread! Have you read Steve Biddulf too - Raising Boys?

Giving responsibility is good. Both of my boys really value/need one to one attention, and struggle to share me. One way round that is to give them responsibility for a task - laying the table etc - and then loads of praise for doing it.

HTH. Best of luck. It will get easier.

[LackaDAISYcal]

just been poined here after starting a very similar thread this morning (in fact so similar it's scary)

My nearly 7 year old DS has much the same issues as yours alwaysmoving. I don't have a lot of advice but can offer a squeeze and a bucket full of empathy.

I have felt sometimes that I don't particularly like him, but feel like it's my fault for not being able to deal with him.

When he is on form though, he is funny and clever, thoughtful beyond words and cares about his two younger siblings very much. But, one minute he is trying to hug and kiss his little sister (five year age gap, so definate attention seeking issues) and then the next he is tormenting her and seems to have a cruel streak a mile wide

[Desiderata]

alwaysmoving, it may seem that the girls are a lot easier now, but that's fairly common.

Boys are a bit of a nightmare when they're young, and girls are good. That's a generalization, of course, but generalizing has its uses!

Girls tend to go off the rails a bit later, during mid to late adolescence. You're not out of the woods with the girls, you're not even in them yet, but hopefully, your son will be some compensation when that time comes

I understand your OP completely. I have a four year old, a very bright lad .. but he can't cope with crowds, and he can be extremely verbally agressive.

It's a struggle at the moment .. and yes, when he's told me 'shut up' and 'I hate you' for the fiftieth time in one day, I don't find myself liking him very much either!

[applepudding]

You've said that he 'needs regular food or he's worse' - are you careful with what you feed him e.g. e-numbers, sugar highs? I understand that children with ADHD can be affected by what they eat.

I would echo the suggestions saying to speak with the SENCo at your child's school to see whether they feel it would be appropriate for him to be assessed.

[saggyhairyarse]

My eldest is our 'difficult child'. He is a senstive and emotional chap and just can't cope with his own emotions sometimes. He also hates change/new things so lots of occasions are difficult. And lots more besides. It is extremely frustrating!!!!

I will admit that sometimes I don't like him/his behaviour but I try to see it from his perspective and life must be bloody hard work for him too (as we seem to want him to do things he doesn't want to do when he doesn't want to do it all the time, ya de ya de ya de).

Hang on in there, I am sure it will get better! I try and diffuse things with humour as much as possible, that's my only 'tip'.

[alwaysmoving]

As I said earlier Orm, I am full of admiration for parents who are endlessly positive about their dc. I try to be but he pushes me to the limit every day.

I don't always dislike him, obviously. And i always love him because he's my cute and funny boy. It's just that the way everything can be such a nightmare with him makes me realise how much easier it is when he's out of the equation. I know it's not nice to say that, I'm just being honest. I know children are all different and I try to accept that but it's bloody difficult day to day when I have two easier personalities in the family who are being ignored a lot as a result.

[OrmIrian]

No. I don't dislike my DC. Ever. I find them hard work sometimes. But fortunately I happen to think they are delightful human beings by and large.

He probably realises you dislike him and gets more demanding in consequence. IME boys tend to be more direct in expressing their needs. I struggled with my youngest - he was very hard work for a long while, but now I feel rewarded as he is bright, loving and happy and much much easier.

DOn't expect any child to be the same as any other. They won't be.

[alwaysmoving]

Piscesmoon, we do that - we have about one playdate per week I would say, either he has a friend over or goes to their house. Also he's out and about taking dd1 to a couple of clubs and sports during the week when he gets to ride his bike or similar while we wait for her. I'm always waiting for him to go off on one wherever we are - one particular place we go where dd1 does dance lessons, I explain beforehand what will happen, what he can have etc, but still he demands ice creams and sweets from the shop the entire time and goes into a rage if I say no. I don't mind buying treats sometimes but not every time and not just to keep him quiet. And anyway as soon as he gets something he's demanding the next thing.

But as I said before due to where we live opportunities for spontaneously going out for exercise and fresh air are very limited.

I would say he mainly directs his aggression at family but he can also be very stroppy with friends if they don't do what he wants, and he can be rude to other adults too. Funnily enough he still has lots of friends - maybe being noisy and wild is an attractive thing if you are a 5 year old boy.