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Original poster

Do you find it hard to like your child?

66 replies

alwaysmoving · 22/03/2009 14:01

...or is it just me?

I am having a really hard time with my ds age almost 6. I also have 2 dd's age 7 and 3. The dd's have their difficult moments, like any child, but ds is another story. If he is not around for whatever reason we have a lovely calm house and everyone is happy. But when he is there (basically whenever he's not at school) it's chaos.

He wrecks whatever his sisters try to do, he barges into everything and causes arguments and fights, he has massive tantrums if he doesn't get 100% what he wants, he screams if I ask him to do something, anything.

We have tried reward charts, time-out, positive reinforcement, all the usual, but nothing much seems to have an effect. But that's not really the issue here - I feel I can just about "manage" him, but God he is bloody hard work. It feels like such a slog, I feel I can't leave him much with the others as problems arise within minutes, and it's just so hard to like/enjoy him.

He demands so much of my attention the girls are missing out. We do our best to give them all one to one. There is obviously still some jealousy but not sure what more we could do. I find myself imagining doing things with just the 2 girls and how much easier and more enjoyable it would be, then I feel guilty for thinking that. I love him so much and when I look at him sleeping I wonder why he drives me so crazy.

Can anyone relate to this?

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Nabster · 22/03/2009 14:13

I would say there are times I doing like what my children are doing but I never dislike them.

It made me feel very to read your post and I am wondering if your son knows how you feel and wonders why bothering to be nice?

MelonCauli · 22/03/2009 14:19

It sounds as if you are having a hard time having a fiesty boy around the house after a peaceful time with 2 girls. My ds (age nearly 8) has calmed down alot in the last 2 months, but he is still hard work. I love him to bits and see what a struggle he has with calmly going through life. This makes me want to help him even more, and I have to "manage" him, IYSWIM.

Perhaps your expectations of him are too high? Does he get plenty of exercise and a chance to run around the park/woods/beach?

Original poster
alwaysmoving · 22/03/2009 14:32

Nabster, it IS sad, I know. I couldn't say what he thinks about all this tbh, BUT I tell him I love him all the time and praise all the great things he does. However he does get negative stuff too because i find him such hard work. One example is he often runs off when we are walking home from school which I find an important thing to be "on his case" about as it is potentially dangerous. The girls walk calmly and sensibly next to me so obviously I'm not saying the same things to them in that situation. There are times when I would like to tell him I am just so exhausted by him and can he just go away for a while and leave me alone, but I DO NOT say this.

MelonCauli, we try to make sure he gets enough exercise but we live abroad and there aren't any parks which is a shame. We go to a soft play and he runs around a lot in the playground at school, and also we have a trampoline which he loves.

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cornsilk · 22/03/2009 14:36

alwaysmiving you sound like you're absolutely drained. What have school said about his behaviour?

purepurple · 22/03/2009 14:40

if you feel like that, then no wonder he behaves like he does
sorry to be harsh but your feelings towards him must be oozing out of every pore and he will be picking up on it

you need to get professional help for all your family's sake

thirtysomething · 22/03/2009 14:40

alwaysmoving my DD is a lot like your DS as you describe him. I too try to give both my DCs equal attention but DD demands so much more time and I worry DS (who's older) misses out. I'm not sure what the answer is - I find DD exhausting at times with constant tantrums and whining if she's not getting 100% attention. It has eased as she's got older though (she's Year 3)

peppapighastakenovermylife · 22/03/2009 14:41

Alwaysmoving - I emphathise I really do. I love my DS to bits but he is hard work. He is also incredibly rewarding when his energy and mischief is channeled in a positive way - the grin he gets from running around the park, the huge hugs as he throws himself across the room...his giggle.

He is nearly 3 and really a handful. He sleeps well but when he is awake...well...unless he is ill or tired he doesnt sit still or shut up lol! He has a constant stream of chatter of whatever comes into his head, lurches from one near miss to another and is generally loud and attention demanding.

DD...well she is only 6 months but is so quiet...placid...smily. Sits and grins and gives you so much positive emotion and so little, well, grief! I know she is only 6 months old so a lot could change but at that age - and younger - DS was still very demanding.

I love him to bits - I love his boisterour personality too but it is such hard work. I cant take my eyes off him or take him anywhere quiet like my friends with daughters can. People look at me like I should be controlling him but believe me I try. I am fairly strict (within reason), lots of praise...he knows what is right and wrong but it is just his personality.

Its not so much I dont want to be around him just wish there was someone else to be responsible for him at times if that makes sense - I love being with him but wish it wasnt me being in charge sometimes. I know he is older but he also demands all my attention when DD is around and I feel I cant give her what she needs - I know I was probably a bit PFB with DS but poor DD seems to be ignored when he is around. On the plus side she loves his antics - he is pure entertainment to her (unless he is lying on top of her hugging her ).

I guess what I am saying is I understand. You love your DS but he is so exhausting that sometimes it is difficult to enjoy him. I try to tell myself it wont be like this forever and one day when he is lying in his pit of a room as a teenager we will miss the madness

xxx

cornsilk · 22/03/2009 14:42

alwaysmoving I disagree with the other posts on this thread. I really hope you don't get slated for expressing your feelings here.

cornsilk · 22/03/2009 14:43

(that was meant to come after pure purple's post)

Original poster
alwaysmoving · 22/03/2009 14:43

He is much the same at school, possibly a bit better. I think he lets off steam at home after a day of having to do what he's told at school. But his teacher says he's noisy and chaotic, and also shouts out in class and needs a lot of help to focus and finish work. He's not at all intimidated by authority and is very assertive and argumentative, even with teachers.

OP posts:
Tinker · 22/03/2009 14:45

Gosh, I think you've had some very harsh reponses on here. Hope you can get more of the constructive replies.

RoseOfTheOrient · 22/03/2009 14:48

My DS was like this too - his behaviour at home had me in tears on numerous occasions . BUT at school, it was different story - he got glowing reports, was helpful and hardworking etc. and his teachers couldn't believe that he was such a handful at home when I told them. They thought he was just playing up with me, because he could, and although I didn't think I was letting him get away with it, my DH often pointed out that I was inconsistent when dealing with him sometimes.
DS behaviour had got sooo much better recently (he is nearly 10) and he is (mostly) great to have around...
so hang in there, it WILL get better. Just be very consistent in how you deal with his behaviour, and be very generous with the praise...positive reinforcement of good behaviour is very important. Negative attitudes on both sides can be a real viscious circle, imv.

cornsilk · 22/03/2009 14:48

ALWAY'S MOVING - it sounds like he may need some help with his behaviour. Have you spoken to the SENCO? It's very common for children with behavioural difficulties to let it all out at home and have tantrums etc. You have my sincere sympathy - he sounds like my ds and it is hard work I know.

thirtysomething · 22/03/2009 14:48

alwaysmoving I'm considering having DD assessed for dyspraxia as I looked at the signs on the dyspraxia charity's website and she has about 80% of them, but none of the social interaction aspects. I agree with cornsilk by the way - I think people have responded harshly. These things aren't so clearcut - it is exhausting sometimes and if you can't say what's on your mind on Mumsnet where can you say it? I love my DD more than words could describe but I do sometimes find her behaviour hard to handle and understand.

iris66 · 22/03/2009 14:49

isn't he just being a boy? - why is all behaviour deemed "good" typically feminine? (ie sitting quietly, compliant, non-agressive, non-physical)

cornsilk · 22/03/2009 14:50

Sometimes it's just being a boy, sometimes it's more than that.

Original poster
alwaysmoving · 22/03/2009 14:54

Thanks cornsilk.

purepurple what help do you think I need? I'm not depressed or anything, just worn out. I try so hard to see the many positive things about him - he can be affectionate and funny and creative etc etc. But the day to day struggle wears you down and unless you have child like this you really cannot imagine what it's like.

At the moment he's watching tv which is how I can be on the computer. Since he came out of school approx 2 hours ago he has shouted/screamed a lot at everyone, run in and out of dd1's room and slammed all the doors while she's doing homework, had a 10 minute tantrum because I said no more biscuits etc etc.

Normal day....

OP posts:
kaz33 · 22/03/2009 14:56

Hi, I've got a 7 year old who is hard work for different reasons - he is, I believe on the ADHD spectrum. Looking in to it both DH and I meet lots of the pointers as well - so adding to the fun .

He isn't bad enough to get a DX and most of the time we manage fine. I get more concerned about what happens at school. What we find helpful is to treat him as though he is ADHD and use behavioural tactics to help us all cope. For instance he doesn't respond to discipline particularly well and confrontation just escalates the situation.

iris66 · 22/03/2009 14:57

sorry - didn't mean to be inflammatory re: OP but have recently had a gutful of people complaining about "boistrous" boys (FFS) agree with other posters that ther may be merit in seeking professional assessment.

purepurple · 22/03/2009 14:59

well, is there no-one you can talk to about how you feel, like a doctor or a therapist?

you sound like you are not coping well with him

cornsilk · 22/03/2009 15:00

'unless you have child like this you really cannot imagine what it's like.'
Hold that thought alwaysmoving. Many people won't be able to understand what it's like because they haven't been in your shoes. Let off steam on here. What year is he in at school?
Have you read 'How to talk so children will listen?'It has lots of good ideas.

Desiderata · 22/03/2009 15:06

purepurple, it sounds like she's coping just fine to me.

Original poster
alwaysmoving · 22/03/2009 16:12

A friend just popped round so I had to disappear for a while. Thanks for all your replies and support.

We have wondered about ADHD but teachers have never said anything so I guess he must be within normal limits. He is in year 1. In reception they did say his concentration was not good but it has improved a lot. We also wonder about dyslexia but he's a bit young to be tested. I do feel he's quite bright and there may be something specific going on.

I don't feel I need help managing his behaviour, but I do worry about our relationship and how I sometimes get so fed up with him and just want to get away from him. I talk to dh about this and also friends but I haven't told friends I sometimes don't like my child.

I have great admiration for people who always see the good in their children and can always be positive.

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Original poster
alwaysmoving · 22/03/2009 16:41

kaz33, are their any techniques you find particularly helpful with your ds?

OP posts:
kaz33 · 22/03/2009 16:51

Actually he sounds like DS1 - does this sound familiar:

  • doesn't have an off switch
  • talks constantly
  • interrupts
  • argues with everything you say, "No" is his default position
  • is aggressive
  • does things impulsively
  • picks up on any language ie: television ad's, silly words and reguritates them ad infintem
  • doesn't appear to understand the relationship between his action and the consquence
  • lies constantly, even when not to his advantage

We:

  • try not to punish, time out if he gets out of hand just to calm down
  • lots of positive re-inforcement of things he does well, he really wants to please
  • clear instructions and time warnings ie; in 5 minutes you are coming off the nintendo
  • before he goes somewhere remind him of the social rules ie: we are going to a restaurant and it is important to sit on your bottom and not make too much noise.

There are more, just a few idea and great books as well.