DH & I think we need to become more 'relaxed' parents..... but how?

[Cornflakemum]

We're both rather control freakish, if truth be known...

We like things how we like them, we're not terribly patient people, both quite academic.

Family life (boys now 9 & 6) was a shock to us, when we realised that we couldn't control every minute detail of our children's lives.

But we still tried.

We think we've now realised that we need to try to 'chill' more for our children's sake. Stop pressing our values and ways of doing stuff on them. We worry that we have stifled their natural enthusiasm and creativity and confidence.

But how on earth can you suddenly change the type of person you are?

What started off as love and protection is in danger of becoming suffocation. But I don't knwo how to 'step back'

Hi Cornflakemum

(Apologies for my rusty English.)

Sorry to hear of your worries.

I can very much relate to the description of you and your DH - fits very well with our household

What's been helping me was reading Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting (when in doubt - read a book...).

One of the issues is that we need to respect our children as individuals and not feel we "own" them and are entitled to decide for them along with a heap of very good and well-thought-through suggestions on how to communicate with our children to teach them to be empathetic, confident and caring people.

Good luck.

Read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, Letting Go as Children Grow by Deborah Jackson, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish.

Good luck!

I am worried that things are not "light" enough in our house...that we dont ahve so much fun as a family. Some of the reasons are that we ahave 4 close together...all sporty so weekends are matches here there and every where...we both work running our own companies...the weekdays have to run on schedule...we all have to be out of the house by 7.30...not back til 5 ish... the cook, eat, homework, bath, stories bed.

It can all get fraught...not sure we are control freaks... the house is a mess...but we are busy and the kids have to keep pace..worried that they will look back and think they have had a boot camp childhood...but we are just a big busy family

When I have been away with friends who also have 4 kids...I have noticed that they seem to take it all in their stride and seem to get the jobs doen and through the day in a more relaxed way.

Do we just need to "drop" activities?

I think life can get too organised and regimented, especially if you have lots of children who all have lots of hobbies, plus busy working lives. Can you cut out any activities? Are there some things that your children do that they wouldnt be too bothered about giving up? Especially at weekends its good to have time when kids can just mooch about in their pyjamas doing not very much.Good for adults too to have at least some time in the week where you're not rushing around like a lunatic

smoke dope.

Cornflakemum- I find just reading some of the posts on MN helpful.

I have a tendency to be over protective towards my DS and before coming on MN I was horrified to see junior age children walking home from school themselves, or hear that they'd been left home alone. However, having taken on board a other people's different ideas (most of my RL friends are protective too) I realise that you do have to learn to step back a little, and I have been now trying to encourage DS to do more for himself at home (e.g. getting his breakfast).

Good luck

OP I think your post is really touching, it's so good to know that you have identified this issue in yourselves, which is far more than a lot of people would do. Just try to be sensitive to the times when you are being more controlling, and read the books suggested by other posters.

I imagine that if you have perfectionist tendencies, you might be in danger of expecting too much from yourselves as parents. Cut yourselves some slack too, and inevitably this attitude will filter down to your kids. If you can be relaxed with yourselves, take yourselves less seriously, then they will model their behaviour and attitude on this. You are their biggest influence. Another book I'd recommend is Superpowers for Parents by Stephen Briars - a good, simple, positive book written by a clinical psychologist, can't go wrong there IMO!

Good luck, and take it easy.

you need alfie kohn.

we have 'doss days' in our house: we plan nothing over the weekend, and we just mooch around so the dcs have mum and dad at home and just play with their toys, each other, mum and dad, or ignre us, whatever they want to do. same rules of discipline as every other day, just free relaxed time for every one.

boring advice, sorry, but we found its good, lets dcs be very relaxed. we have always stuck to a bedtime routine though so kids go to bed nicely!

At least you have realised that you can only control yourself and not your DCs. Since they are now older I would ask them what they like about their lives and what they would like to change-and take note of what they say. Time to do nothing and be bored is beneficial.

op i too think your post very honest and touching ) hug even though we dont do it on here!)

I am a perfectionist and also probably quite controlling

when i had my first 3 children i did loads of extra curricular stuff and tried to be what i thought a mum should be

with my second three i realised i was not making myself or them happy and so i chilled out and now we do bog all

I am much happier

I think my kids are very happy and chilled too more so than when the now teens were young

I empathise with the stifling creativity bit... i felt like that and have now managed to go completely the other way

You have seen what you think to be wrong and acted on it. That is the major step....

You cannot blame yourself for the way you are

you are trying to do your best - read the books suggested - i might!

everyday in our house is a bit dossy

we do bog all and the dcs mill about whilst we garden

its just how i want them to remember their childhood

How about practising as you would any rusty skill? Examples er.. Do something together (bike ride/park/painting) in which you let your dcs decide the direction, with no correction/steering from you. Have a slob evening. Let them do something without you, with just a time to return by. Agree not to check their h/w (or just ask if it's going ok) and only input if they come to you.

also pick your battles

i am a pita re education BUT have let other stuff go

they dont learn to ride a bike at 6 months old - not wearing polished shoes ( dont stress!)

i have let some stuff go - and yes it is hard...

i have completely dropped stuff which left me feeling like a shitty mum because i had ranted ( ie swim lessons)

i have found being older helps or maybe its the benefit of hind sight

Be selfish....I was selfish in that i thought - this is not the mum i wanted to be and thought i would be - i changed for that reason above all else because i have a wicked ability to be kept awake at night worrying that i am a crap mother

i am rambling