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Parenting

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Original poster

Your wisdom required - DS does not wnat to sign classmates card

24 replies

Eve · 11/03/2009 16:23

..one of DS (9) in year 5 has one of his classmates in hospital and the teacher is mkaing a card for them all to sign to say get well soon.

He's not in for a serious problem.. but for an old injury that was originally caused by his sister.

My son can't stand this child and constantly tells stories of how he hit him ,tripped him up etc.

Today he tells me he doesn't want to sign his card, doesn't see why he should as he doesn't like him and hes not a kind boy etc.

What would you do....

tell DS he should sign... but why....??

or.. do as I have done and said its up to him but he has to expalin his reasons to the teacher and not just say he hates him.

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bellavita · 11/03/2009 16:27

Tricky one, but I don't think he should be made to do something he does not want to do.

If he is willing to give valid reasons to the teacher then let him.

Seeline · 11/03/2009 16:29

agree with Bella. He is old enough to make his own decisions on such matters, but must be able to explain his reasons.

Doodle2U · 11/03/2009 16:31

Tell him he is going to sign it because that's the right thing to do. Not signing it is the petty thing to do and whilst he lives under your roof, he does the right thing - end of.

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bellavita · 11/03/2009 16:36

A "friend" of DS1's (DS1 used to call for him to walk to school) injured DS on purpose at school resulting in him having a double fracture to his wrist and him not being able to go on his residential in Yr6 (he was just getting over a broken right arm so with both injuries, this put the kybosh on the hol).

DS1 did not want to walk with this boy anymore after the incident, it did result in the mother falling out with me (we used to shop and have coffee together) but I said fair enough if that is the decision you want to make...

crokky · 11/03/2009 16:39

I'm not sure as my DCs are a lot younger.

But...it seems to me that even if someone is nasty (like the boy in hospital seems to be), you still don't wish them to spend time in hospital. Therefore, I think I would ask my DS to sign the card on that basis. He should want this child to recover or whatever, but that doesn't mean he has to be his friend.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 11/03/2009 16:41

well, I wouldn't sign, and I'd say why. I think that if you really dislike someone, then the fact that they are ill is irrelevant. They don't turn into someone who has treated you well, just cos they're sick. So I wouldn't sign because if I did, I'd be a hypocrite. I wouldn't be wishing them well, I wouldn't be caring at all, so why would I sign a card to say I did?

(But then I also think that if someone was a shit when they were alive, they're a shit when they're dead and fake mourning or regret for someone you thought a bastard when alive, makes you a hypocritical twat too. )

So I'd say no, don't make him sign it. He doesn't like the kid, the kid doesn't like him. Bollocks to it.

cornsilk · 11/03/2009 16:41

He should sign as Doodle says. He can just put his name, he doesn't have to write a message.

bellavita · 11/03/2009 16:42

Go Hecate -

jellyhead · 11/03/2009 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 11/03/2009 17:10

hi bella

cory · 11/03/2009 17:58

I agree with cornsilk. You may not like someone because they are ill, but it is still your duty to help them as much as you can.

I would tell him he has to sign the card, but that next time this child bullies him I'll make sure the teacher deals with it.

zipzap · 12/03/2009 13:03

Or maybe... if he's feeling very brave and is happy to explain himself... I suspect this won't be a popular option but it would be a way of giving control back to your ds.

He could use the card to write a message to the child - along the lines of 'Maybe now you will understand what it is like to be bullied and not carry on bullying me when you get better'.

He can always temper it by saying hope you are better soon on it too.

But it seems to me that it ticks several boxes - he writes in the card, he's truthful and puts what he really thinks - and other people will see that he has been bullied and how much grief the other child has caused.

If the teacher queries it, he can turn it around and say that he can't understand why class is being so nice to other boy when other boy is so horrible to him. Does the teacher realise the extent of the bullying your ds experiences from the other child?

Good luck - let us know what he decides to do!

Leenie · 12/03/2009 13:16

I most cetainly would not force my child to sign, if this boy is as wicked and a bully as your child feels, who's to say that the boy won't come back to school and comment on the fact that your DS signed it and go on to make him feel humiliated, i have memories of a girl at my DS's school being bullied, on sports day a group pic was taken by the bullies mother, which all were told so stand in for, the bully in front of everyone some weeks later, scribbled the girl out of the picture, i felt sad for her cos she was embarrased,and hadn't even wanted to be in the pic, if your son can justify why he has the feelings he has , then consider that it might be appropriate to allow him to have the right to make his own choice.

SkittlesAreFruitGroup · 14/03/2009 09:03

In the grand scheme of things, signing the card will not go down in history as the great turning point of your son's life. Or it might. Not signing it and making a big deal out of this issue is going to result in more drama than signing his name in a corner of a class card.

Might even make the injured kid feel a bit pleased and happy that people are thinking of him, even though he's been a a bully. Of course not that he's in hospital for a serious problem, just an old injury. Doesn't even deserve the card, does he?

Heaven forbid we do a nice thing for a mean kid. Could make us look like a sissy.

I think in this instance the 'moral high ground' is teetering on obnoxious point-making for the sake of making a point.

harpsichordcarrier · 14/03/2009 09:08

hmmm
I think I would always sign a card to say hope you get well even if I didn't like someone.
I mean, just because you don't like someone, you don't wish them pain and to stay longer in hospital.
I think I would tell your ds that it is part of normal human social behaviour to behave well towards everyone irrespective of their behaviour and how they behave towards you.
I don't think that you should encourage your son to withhold kindness and good wishes on such a tiny scale as signing a card. It seems petty and mean tbh.
I am not a Christian but I think Jesus had the right idea on this one.

harpsichordcarrier · 14/03/2009 09:11

"He could use the card to write a message to the child - along the lines of 'Maybe now you will understand what it is like to be bullied and not carry on bullying me when you get better'." I am genuinely shocked by this suggestion. there is a time and a place for dealing with hurts and disagreements and signing a get well card is not the time or the place!
that would be, imo, shockingly rude and aggressive. imagine reading that message as a child in hospital! or the parents of the child!
good gracious me.

edam · 14/03/2009 09:14

I wouldn't make him sign the card. Ds is old enough to decide this one for himself IMO. Child will have enough get-well messages from other people, doesn't actually need your ds to pretend that he gives a toss.

MaureenMLove · 14/03/2009 09:14

If the whole class are signing it, will the child even notice that DS's name isn't on it? I doubt it. If your DS can explain his reasons to his teacher for not signing it, then let him.

TheProvincialLady · 14/03/2009 09:15

I think it is a good lesson to learn that we always try to do the right thing, even if the other person is at fault. I think petty behaviour should always be discouraged and TBH this does seem petty. Teach your son that problems should be dealt with through the proper channels. Not signing a card achieves nothing and doesn't make anyone feel good.

edam · 14/03/2009 09:57

Actually not signing the card might just make Eve's ds feel good. Give him back a bit of control that the bully tries to take away.

All this 'we should try to do the right thing' stuff is a bit Anne of Green Gables. The child in hospital is a violent bully and I don't see why Eve's ds should be forced to kow-tow to him.

Gorionine · 14/03/2009 10:07

Where does it say that this boy is a bully? Is it from ""My son can't stand this child and constantly tells stories of how he hit him ,tripped him up etc."" I think if the OP did not use the word maybe we shouldn't assume the other boy is a bully. I am unsure about Doodle 2u's answer (and that is a very first I ALWAYS agree wit Doodle!!!!) I prefer crokky's way, it ultimately amounts to the same result but the message your son will get is a bit different and might make him feel good about himself in the process.

TheProvincialLady · 14/03/2009 10:07

I don't see it as kow towing. I honestly feel better when I know I am doing the right thing regardless...I don't see anything Anne of Green Gables about that One thing I have learned in life is that wasting energy on petty behaviour and holding grudges only hurts me and does nothing to change things.

MadameCastafiore · 14/03/2009 10:12

Make your son sign the card and if the other kids behaviour is that bad go in and address it with the teacher saying you did not know he felt so strongly and him saying he did not want to sign the card brought it to your attention.

Say that you told him not to be so petty but you would appreciate a little help to stop (what sounds like normal behaviour for 9 year olds) the pushing, tripping etc when this boy comes back to school.

harpsichordcarrier · 14/03/2009 10:38

er hold on it is a bit of a leap to say this boy is a "violent bully"! all we know is that the op's son says he "hates" him and he "constantly tells stories of how he hit him, tripped him up etc" - boys hit each other and trip each other up all the time. it doesn't mean he is a bully. I imagine there might be another side to the story.
clearly the two of them don't get on, but why does that make him a violent bully
seems a little quick to judge.

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