working mums - how do you cope????

[PSCMUM]

I have a full time job and so deos my DH. we have 3 children. every night i get home from work about 6pm, cook dinner, then do homework and music practice with all three of them, read all three a story, hassle them into brushing teeth / wearing pyjamas and getting into bad, i do this one by one so I have individual time with each of them and writing it down now it really doenst seem like that much of a big deal, but I am CONSTANTLY exhuasted throughout, I am tired by the time I get home ,and then a start about 3 hours of intensive work, I try to get them into bed at 7 / 7,30 and 8. and then i start the housework. recently sacked cleaner as credit crucnhed and can't afford her anymore. And now I need to do a job application form. And also I need to have a bath, hair dry my hair so it doens't look like a birds nest, iron some clothes for tomorrow so i don't look like a monster and also try and do some sit ups so i dont get obese. i cannot cope with all of this. i just am too tired to do it and i feel constanly like a failure. then i need to go to bed and make my husband feel happy, rather than like he has married a frazzled ugly incapable fatso.
help me ladies please!!!!

typos galore. i know. i am sorry.

utterly shameless desperatly attention seeking bump

Do you really feel like this all the time? if so you need a calm sit down with a pen and paper to think how you can change your life a bit (even if just to get the cleaner back-save somewhere else! if a clean house matters to you, if not then just chill about dust!). However if actually you feel like this sometimes and actually you are pretty happy but just fancy a moan as are tired and need a rest then thats fine, I think most of us feel like this sometime. Feel free to moan! I have 2 little ones and work full time and somedays feel its all terible and I can't cope but other days think 'what fun-life is full and exciting!'

Is your DH doing his share in the home and looking after the children or do you find yourself doing it all?

Please tell me your DH is doing half of this?

I think its a mistake to sack the cleaner unless you are seriously credit crunched. I read my children (4) stories together eventhough they differ in age group. Its more about being together. I don't really do homework with mine as they do it in their after-school club. Skip the sit-ups and do them under your desk at work instead

dh is actually brilliant, does his share for sure, he has a very full on job which means he often misses bedtime, so i do it alone around 4 nights a week, and sometimes he works weekends too. And he works quite far from home also, so leaves around 7am, so i normally do the shcool run everymorning as well, which means i am always sneaking in late to work and start the day on the back foot. I dont' really care about that bit, i have chosen to do it as i want to take them to school myself and make sure they are happy, but then i rush to work and you know, it just is a stressful start. i feel i need to sit down with a pen and paper, that is a good idea, but i don't know what can change, we are stuck with an enourmous mortgage so we both do need to work. this job i want to apply for is more responsibilty but a big pay rise, so although its a full time position i am kind of hoping that either i will be able to employ someone to help me, or i will be able to drop down to 4 days a week or one or two days working school hours.
nicewarm - i agree - it is often very exhilirating, knowing I'm pulling it off, my job is great and my kids go to a great school and are happy, so really i don't know what i am moaning about! but its just i feel this pressure to get it all done - the music, homework etc, and that is so stressful as i never quite mange it with all three, every night, there will always be one night where i slip up an dmiss something out wiht one of them.
sprry for being such a boring old moaner but i am really struggling today.
And i don't care about dust - really not at all - but i do care about masive piles of post and washing and plates building up everywhere. its that kind of stuff. I have long ago let go of any illusions about clean skirting boards!!

Can you find yourself a bit of time out that is just for you - exercise class say? One night of getting away from it might give you enough momentum to get through the others, and your DH can do stories etc that day.

dh really is good, honest! he is my second dh -the other one got the boot for definetly not doing his share! i am a real militant feminist and just couldn't accept being with someone who thought this was all my job. HE does all the shopping, he cleans and cooks when he is here, he orders me into baths with candles and wine. its just he is not here as much as i'd like and its not his fault that he isn't - its the whole earning a crust thing! we reall can't afford the cleaner. DS has a tutor, plus the music / acitvities they do = something had to give. clean house the least important in that so

time out for myself is really hard to find as DH works so much and doens't work the same hours every week - he is the boss in his job so has to be vey responsive at the last minute al the time. so really hard for me to plan to go out somewhere, nad to be honest if he gets home at 8pm, the last thing i want to do is pick myself up and go somewhere, i just want to get it all done and go to bed!

How old are your DC's? Can they start helping with dishes, little jobs after school to help out?

Do they mind if you accidently miss doing something with one of them when you are really busy? Could you turn this into a regular thing? Ie 2 nights per week, read to all 3 of them together, then 1 night per week they get an individual reading, instead of doing 3 lots of reading every night?

they don't mind -the poor loves, they are used to it! its me that feels a it crap about it. they are 9, 6 and 3. Their story is the only time I have with each every day which is just me and them. Its really important i deliver that at least - so that is a priority.
ps - i know i am bering veruy negative, i am really aprreaciting and taking on board all these suggestions, really i am .

thank you.

I don't do housework in the week at all - maybe tidy round a bit. Dh loads/unloads the dishwasher and sticks a load of washing on each day.

I get home about 6. Bath dd every other day. She has a cooked lunch at school and a snack at 4 so I don't "cook" her a dinner. She'll have a sandwich, or beans on toast, occasionally pasta, with fruit and a yoghurt.

I'll do bits and bobs with her - no homework yet - and dh and I take it in turns to take her to bed and read a story (about 8pm). Usually dh sits and plays/reads with her for a while after he gets in at about 7pm. Then I cook our dinner. I try to double up with recipes and freeze half, so some nights I really only need to defrost stuff.

I only iron what really needs ironing. I'll do dd's clothes in batches through the week - utility room is upstairs so i do it whilst she's playing in the bath. I iron what i need the night before, or when I get up in the morning. DH does his own. DH also makes his own sandwiches before he goes to work if i haven't got round to doing it in the evening.

8pm onwards is then grown up time. Though I do pay bills/sort stuff some evenings. DH and I share the housework - hoovering/bathrooms etc at the weekend.

I know I only have the one dd though. How old are your dcs? Can you get them to do more stuff by themselves, or give each of them a job to do to help out?

you are amazing...I have on child and work 2 days a week and get stressed at that!

What about these suugestions:

1. Book a day off work take kids to school etc.. go home and have a "me day" - not saying take one day off a month but one day to re-charge YOUR batteries and think of you.

1. On a SAt why not have a big cooking day the purpose of making batches of food to freeze to relieve the stress of coming home and having to cook dinner etc...

1. Any chance of getting a w-end away just you an hubby

1. Sod the housework

Remember what I said at the beginning - you are amazing and very much appreciated Im sure

I'd suggest you leave housework for weekends - during the week just keep to the basic tidy up and quick clean of kitchen and bathrooms. Also, I'd suggest you invest in a slow cooker so you can chuck food into it in the morning to cook up for dinner - may save you a lot of time and hassle during the week if you use it a couple of times a week. I know you've got rid of your cleaner but maybe you could farm out your ironing for an hour or so to help save your sanity? Both my husband and I work (have a 2 year old and recent baby) and it is hard, but you sound like you're doing a great job and making quality time for your kids each evening so keep up with the good work.

The thing is, and you probably know it, it gets harder as they (and we) get older. They go to bed later, for one thing, so you have less and less time after they've gone to bed to get anything done. So really getting on top of it all is key.

But it sounds as though you ARE on top of it all - it's just finding ways of keeping on top of it all without exhausting yourself.

The thoughts I have are:

1. I've persuaded the DCs (10&8) that it is only fair for them to cook a meal each at weekends. I am on hand for tips etc. While they are cooking the sunday lunch, I'm batch cooking for the forthcoming week - vats of bolognaise or carbonara, a soup, chicken in sauce, baking a cake etc

1. Clean and tidy each room as you leave it, so there's none of this housework in the evening and it doesn't build into a big chore

1. Piano practice at night is horrific because you are tired and THEY are tired. Try getting them to do it in the mornings.

1. Washing up and clearing the table in the evening is definitely their job.

1. Can you persuade whoever is doing the afterschool care to do their homework with them?

1. Don't ever buy anything that needs ironing again.

1. Book a day of leave every month for a YOU day. You are not allowed to do any chores on a YOU day although you are allowed to go to the gym or go swimming or whatever.

Some great ideas here. I would definitely say sod the housework. I only really clean the house once a week, on Sat mornings, and everyone has to help. It's how my dd earns her pocket money

In the week I just stack the dishwasher at night, unload in the morning. Nothing else really gets done other than picking up socks from the floor.

By Thursday the house looks a little 'tired' but that's okay.

Yes, you sound like you are doing a great job. I only work 3 and a half days a week and an evening and my dds are 3 and 4 and I am shattered by Friday (my day off) so I can't imagine how you are feeling. My DH works f/t (although on shutdown at mo from car factory) and is often on a late shift so it can be hard when i work in the evenings as i have to get someone - usually my mum who also works alot on shifts - to look after dds. I imagine it will get harder when dds go to school. Good idea about making batches of food to freeze on weekends. It sounds like you need to get away from the normal routine - can you do something different? Go out for a day on the weekend with friends? Sorry just read this back and sounds rubbish, not many suggestions at all.

You are doing a good job - I have no suggestions as I feel the same way a lot of the time, but with only 1 DD!! I do second the idea of batch cooking though - I feel much less stressed when I get in from work if all I have to do is reheat some defrosted food. It gives me more time with DD, and I get dinner on the table a little earlier too, which means more time afterwards.
When it all gets too much, I take a day's annual leave and just potter around - it makes such a difference to my sanity, and makes everything seem much more do-able.

• 10 mins music practice in the mornings
• once per wk when there is no tutor/music lesson, take them OUT for supper. You eat then too. Dh can eat something else later; maybe you sit with him over a glass of wine
• communal bedtime story at least 2 out of your 4 evenings.
• spend a w/e morning batch cooking eg massive bolognese, a chicken curry (mild enough for dcs - you can add chilli later to some portions if it's just for you and dh), fish pie, a cauldron of lentil soup etc.
• can you find time for a gym on the way back from work ? Even once per wk would energise you a bit.

Gosh Quattrocento - what do your DCs cook for you at weekends? I fancy this idea.

You are doing really well. I do (pretty much)the same 4 days a week with 2 DC and I am struggling. Our cleaner did her back in and I am trying to find another one...

You need (IMHO) to work out what could 'give'

Where are they after school? Could they do homework there?

Do they absolutely need to do music practice every night?

Does the 6yo need to do homework (I am guessing reading?) every night? I sometimes write 'sorry we didn't have time to read' in DS's reading record and give us both a break. Otherwise I get DS to read to me, or do his practice, while I am cooking. Other nights I bung something in the oven and do bath&jamas while it cooks - DC eat in their pyjamas.

How much so you do in the morning? Could music practice happen then? Or sit-ups? How important are baths to you - I can't remember last time I had one, as showers are quicker.

Batch cooking/ironing at weekends?

We both work full time and I have 2 children, and I have just sacked cleaner too! Things which help me are:

• online shopping - can do it in half an hour my desk. I do a whole load of other home admin at work too - obviously only an option if you work in an office (DH is a teacher and can't do anything like this during the day so all falls to me).

• working from home a day a week, sometimes more depending on what's going on at work. This buys me additional hours when I would have been commuting and I can do 15 mins tidying during screen breaks/ put a wash on etc. Is this an option? Tiny amounts of contant tidying/ hoovering a room are more effective than letting it go to rack and ruin and having to blitz it.

• Dh and I take turns to batch cook at the weekends. So we have at least three weekday meals sorted to just heat up. For the rest we do v quick things - pasta and pesto, omelettes - that kind of thing. Our weekly meal plan and it's on the fridge so no-one ever has to think.

• Music practice - do it in the am (while you're in the bath?!)

• I understand about the stories - I try and do that too, or at least have some 1-1 time to talk. I have started lettting my ds (9) go to bed later just so we can fit things in - he goes at 8.30.

The exercise issue is one I haven't cracked - I am going to start running at the weekend as it seems the most time efficient, but will be getting up at 6.00 to fit it in.....

It might also be worth checking your diet/ alcohol intake and getting your iron levels checked if you're constantly tired - you have a terrifically busy life but it may be that you are not looking after yourself properly.....I know that I forget about my own needs quite often (and have joined the 10/10 thread to try and improve things).

Have you spoken to a financial broker to find out if you can reduce your mortgage and other outgoings, you maybe surprised how much money you could save.