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Original poster

Have I made a mistake in discussing DS1's difficult birth with him?

70 replies

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 22:24

He's four now and happy and healthy btw.

On his 4th birthday we got out his baby photo's and he showed lots of interest, especially in the photo's of him in an incubator, and with a venflon in his arm and an NG tube.
He was born with Group B Strep pneumonia and was lucky to make a recovery.

I told him that he wasn't well when he was born and that he had trouble breathing. He asked why and i said, because it was difficult to get him out. (he was also tangled up in umbilical cord and I needed a c-section).

He seemed interested and not upset, although it's something I find it difficult to talk about. The photos aren't your average new baby pics and he is very sweaty looking.

Anyway, it's now been about 4 months since his birthday and that discussion. Today he was talking to DH about when he was a baby. All the usual questions about how did he get out of my tummy etc and then he said, he was sad in my tummy because he couldn't get out and he didn't feel very well.

I feel sad for him thinking this and don't know what to do.

Can i salvage this?
What's the right thing to say?
I want him to believe his arrival was a great day but i know that it really wasn't.

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nickschick · 21/02/2009 22:28

The arrival wasnt but every day after you've thanked god he sent you such a special boy and every day you wait for him to smile at you to make your heart feel warm.

Its not it started its how it is today.

HairyMuff · 21/02/2009 22:32

And how about focusing on how he's such a strong boy and was able to fight through it all to get where he is today. You could put a positive spin on it if you talk about his journey from birth and how well he did fighting through his birth illnesses.

Does that make sense?

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 22:33

thanks nickschick.
i'm not religious but could adapt the sentiment.

I just wish it was all so different.
I'd feel like i was lying if i said it was a great day.

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Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 22:33

oh that's a good one too hairymuff.

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hunkermunker · 21/02/2009 22:36

It was a sad day for you because you were so worried about him - but he may not be able to grasp the nuance at his age.

Can you talk about how happy you were to meet him? And how the people who looked after him realised what a special little boy he was and worked hard to make him well?

nickschick · 21/02/2009 22:40

By dragonbutter on Sat 21-Feb-09 22:33:18
thanks nickschick.
i'm not religious but could adapt the sentiment.

I just wish it was all so different.
I'd feel like i was lying if i said it was a great day.

Dragon - ive been there too my eldest ds was actually dead when born they rescusitated him he was on the ventilator etc they said hed have c.p and hed be brain damaged etc etc - hes 15 and doing v well no celerbral palsy or anything - the only 'new' baby pic we have of him he is blue with grey lips and is connected to a plethora of tubes.

I always say to him thats the worst its ever gonna be you are strong and you were meant for this world you have a job to do.

foxinsocks · 21/02/2009 22:40

oh I don't think there's anything wrong in him knowing that tbh, don't feel bad if you are.

I would also focus (like others have said) on how he got better (and cite other illnesses he might remember where he's got better!).

It seems like, from the conversation he has with dh, that he said it in a matter of fact way? Perhaps when he says it you can say 'and yes, you were strong and recovered and the nurses and doctors helped to make you better and here you are now, my big strong boy!' or something like that.

You probably ascribe more emotional significance to it than he does (quite understandably).

foxinsocks · 21/02/2009 22:41

my goodness nick, how frightening that must have been

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 22:41

this obviously runs deeper as I wasn't happy to meet him, i didn't allow myself to be happy to meet him. i loved him instantly but i didn't feel happy for a long time.

partly because i spent the first few days preparing myself psychologically to lose him. and partly because i was unable to hold him for 5 days.

for me, the day he was allowed out of the incubator and to be held, was like the day i met him properly and could check him out for real. those first five days of him in the box were more like a sneak preview or sorts.

but this is all to complicated for him to understand.

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HairyMuff · 21/02/2009 22:41

What a lovely thing to say to him nickschick.

hunkermunker · 21/02/2009 22:43

Oh, sweetheart - this is triggering feelings from his birth, isn't it?

Can you tell him you loved him instantly then? Don't lie, but don't tell him the bits that might be trickier for him to understand - that can wait till he's older.

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 22:44

yes, nickschick, he was resuscitated too, for about 5 minutes. it was the worst moment in my life.

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gigglewitch · 21/02/2009 22:45

fwiw, an anecdotal thing for you, own experience. I was born with serious difficulties, mum still on the delivery bed and me in ambulance by 20 mins old, to city childrens hospital to try to keep me alive. My mother obv has never felt good about this, made worse by the fact that she was kept in the hospital where I'd been born for 10 days whilst i was in the city one. However, the spin that they put on it was that when she couldn't be with me I carried on growing in her heart, and Dr x (who I still saw into my teens) was looking after me and making me 'better'. There aren't any baby pics of me until I was 5mo, my mum has always told me that those pictures are in her heart for ever. When I was slightly older she explained what the reasons were as she understood them, basically honesty at all levels in a way that the child can understand.
Four year olds can process stuff in a fantastic way, he is just getting in touch with those baby pictures in his own matter of fact way. Please try not to think that he is upset by it, understandably you are, but he will see his own ways of accepting that as the start of his life and know that from there on he has grown in strength and love - which you have given to him.
sorry if i ramble

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 22:46

yes hunker, i'm feeling a bit blown away by him talking about his birth. it has caught me off guard and as much as i don't want to talk about it much, i realise he might want to.

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hunkermunker · 21/02/2009 22:47

It may be that it becomes a favourite story for him to hear for a bit - so if you can, try to have a way of distracting him if it gets a bit repetitive and uncomfortable for you.

And chin up - remember, he's here, he's four, he's asking questions.

nickschick · 21/02/2009 22:49

Dragon do u blame yourself for not having this 'perfect delivery'??- I do definitely and I was trying to work out how old ds1 was before I felt any better about him being born the way he was and strangely enough i started to cry,and ive had 15 years to get used to it,maybe this isnt something you can resolve? maybe this is one of those times you have to make believe things were better than they really were??

nickschick · 21/02/2009 22:50

I realise that post sounded a bit weird but i think speaking about my experience has made me think to myself i didnt actually get over it ive just learnt to gloss over it.

nickschick · 21/02/2009 22:51

thanks hairymuff.

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 22:51

i know, he's just brilliant and we are very close.
having DS2 with a normal planned c-section laid a lot of ghosts to rest for me with regard to feelings of unluckiness and feelings that DS1 was still fragile (the new baby made him seem so big and strong).

but i just wish i had a better birth story for him, or that i could tell him without him picking up on my sadness. i would hate for him to think i was sad he was born, or that he was sad when he was born.

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Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 22:55

For a long time i blamed midwives etc.
Then i blamed myself for not being more forceful when i had concerns about an infection and for my obvious lack of skill in being a mother. Nonsense i know.
Then i blamed myself for just being unlucky.
I think now i've come to accept it as it was.
I've had counselling and been back to the hospital to discuss what happened and why etc.

I just wish it was all different and there's nothing i can do about it.

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frasersmummy · 21/02/2009 22:59

dragonbutter

I dont think you did anything wrong..

you told your son the truth about his arrival into this world.

You didnt say oh it was horrid and you didnt tell him that you werent pleased to meet him

Honestly dragon butter dont beat yourself up. Your ds asked about his incubator pictures and you told him in simple language ... sounds like your son understands quite well for 4 (bright lad)

I havent been in the same position as you so wont say I understand.. but it sounds completely reasonable to me that you didnt want to get too attached till you could hold your ds and you knew you were going to be able to take him home
You never communicated this to your ds.. one day there may be a time you want to .. thats your decision .. but in the meantime just continue to talk to him and be honest.. both qualities of a great mother

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 23:01

thanks frasersmummy.

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gigglewitch · 21/02/2009 23:05

you are strong, your ds is strong, he's here and he is gorgeous. Try to hang on to that?

Would it help to keep posting here and see if it makes any more sense?
Things can get so much more intense at this time of night, if there is any way you can give yourself a breather, relax for a few minutes, a bath or something, even sleep (but hopefully not that mentally exhausted kind of sleep)?

Please stop beating yourself up for the day not being a 'good' day. Life happens when we have made other plans? Don't merge the first week of his life with "him" as a person, the two are completely separate. The day he was born and the days after may have been utter crap, but he is the lovely son, the child that you always wanted? Perhaps that is the thing you need to have in mind when you think your way through this?

gigglewitch · 21/02/2009 23:07

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 23:12

oh it really has opened up old wounds for me to hear him talking about his birth.
i'm sure i'll have a chat about it with him tomorrow and he'll say something utterly hilarious and misunderstanding and i'll realise he really isn't bothered how he got here as long as he can wear his power ranger costume to tescos.

you're right gigglewitch, it's late and probably not the best time to be up worrying about this sort of stuff.

good ol' mumsnet

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