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Original poster

Have I made a mistake in discussing DS1's difficult birth with him?

70 replies

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 22:24

He's four now and happy and healthy btw.

On his 4th birthday we got out his baby photo's and he showed lots of interest, especially in the photo's of him in an incubator, and with a venflon in his arm and an NG tube.
He was born with Group B Strep pneumonia and was lucky to make a recovery.

I told him that he wasn't well when he was born and that he had trouble breathing. He asked why and i said, because it was difficult to get him out. (he was also tangled up in umbilical cord and I needed a c-section).

He seemed interested and not upset, although it's something I find it difficult to talk about. The photos aren't your average new baby pics and he is very sweaty looking.

Anyway, it's now been about 4 months since his birthday and that discussion. Today he was talking to DH about when he was a baby. All the usual questions about how did he get out of my tummy etc and then he said, he was sad in my tummy because he couldn't get out and he didn't feel very well.

I feel sad for him thinking this and don't know what to do.

Can i salvage this?
What's the right thing to say?
I want him to believe his arrival was a great day but i know that it really wasn't.

OP posts:

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gigglewitch · 21/02/2009 23:16

don't you dare do flippant brushing-under-the-carpet at me, matey
I didn't mean it like that

and yes he probably will say something like he's got the power-force from all the tubes and that he's got to be a power ranger for everything, don't just think it will be tesco's. In fact he's probably sleeping in it now

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 23:21

oh yes, he wore it night and day for the first week until i pointed out it was a bit smelly now.

sorry about the brushing under the carpet gigglewitch. i'm trying to pull myself together. i hate it when i mope.

i get in this state about it everytime somebody i know has a great birth experience too. it's a total fucker that you can't change the past.

i may just tell him about the power force from the tubes,he'd love it.

OP posts:

used2bthin · 21/02/2009 23:26

Not really got anything sensible to add but wanted to say I am reading this with interest.I've got thread in the special needs topic about the fact that I am about to write an article for parents with new babies diagnosed with the condition my DD has got, its about how I felt when she was born and coming to terms with it all.I am finding it very hard to think about and its made me realise that I usually avoid thinking about it so can see how it must be hard for you to talk about with your son and am now thinking lots about how I will discuss all this with DD.

So no help whatsoever to you but good luck!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 23:29

thanks used2bthin. when i went through this i had no information about how to feel about it. and there didn't seem to be any books, nobody i knew had any experiences similar so i think it's great that you plan to explore these issues in your article.

another regret. i wish i'd discovered mumsnet sooner.

OP posts:

frasersmummy · 21/02/2009 23:31

dragon butter

I dont want to take away from your feelings tonight so wont go on about mine

But... its normal when you are tired=/its dark/you are along for bad memories and feelings to come flooding back

I understand you are now saying "I will be fine" to try and convince yourself..

but as my mammy would say better out than in

feel free to talk ..

gigglewitch · 21/02/2009 23:32

yes i know that pull-myself-together line too
Moping's allowed sometimes. and you are usually there with a huge box of tissues for the rest of us so it's time you got a bit yourself eh?

you had one good birth story out of two, is that one of the things that pisses you off too? I had difficult pgs with both my boys and then a piddling easy one with dd - and in many ways i wanted to have 'enjoyed' the other pregnancies
I don't think the ones with the completely shitty stories are going to post them on here, are they - too painful for one, too public for another, i mean in all the detail, not the concise outline you've given. Thus the bias is going to be lovely easy-peasy no mess ones. Well there's my pennyworth (not that you asked for it lol)

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 23:32

thank you.

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frasersmummy · 21/02/2009 23:33

and yes its a real fucker that you cant change the past...

nickschick · 21/02/2009 23:35

dragon butter I still get jealous when i hear of lovely stories of trouble free births .......

gigglewitch · 21/02/2009 23:36

nickschick, do you reckon they really exist?

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 23:36

i usually come on mumsnet for the laugh and nonsense, but every once in a while i need a bit of propping up and it's nice to know i can have that when i need it.

where were all you buggers 4 years ago when i really needed you?

this is why i tell all new mums i meet about mumsnet.

i've just popped in to give the boys a kiss. i am lucky.

OP posts:

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 23:40

i've just posted a pic of my big strong boy on my profile.

OP posts:

nickschick · 21/02/2009 23:41

giggles- i hope so otherwise ive been misdirecting my envy lol ...... wouldnt it just be fab tho to pop one out in tesco and it be perfectly healthy and then you carry on with your shopping?

Ive had 3 and none of them have bordered on positive experiences ......

used2bthin · 21/02/2009 23:41

I find it hard totalk about other peoplesbirth experiences too,wellcertain aspects ofthem. Luckily for me,they seem to mainly come up at toddler group or similar so I can walk off with DD or become distracted by a child or whatever.

And thanks yes I hope my article will be helpful for new parents,its a scary prospect writing it though, I didn't realise till I started.

Late at night things do play on our minds more. Your DS sounds lovely btw. I once looked after a little boy who loved his new bike so much he insisted upon taking it to bed with him the first night he had it!

SnowlightMcKenzie · 21/02/2009 23:45

dragonbutter I don't think you did anything wrong, but please keep to yourself your suffering. You are his world and the idea that he might have made you suffer would be horrible for him.

You can talk about how much you wanted him and were looking forward to seeing him. How brave, strong and clever he was to get better and how much you loved him.

You can tell him how happy he must have been whilst you were growing him because you loved him so much whilst you were carrying him. He was not sad in your tummy, he was very happy, but needed some help getting out.

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 23:52

i know, i worry that he picks up on my sadness even if i don't verbalise it. he's surprisingly perceptive.
maybe i need to work on my feelings about it a bit more. but the thought of that is hideous.
i prefer to pretend it just didn't happen.

OP posts:

Original poster

dragonbutter · 21/02/2009 23:56

thanks for the advice everyone.
i'm going to get some sleep.

OP posts:

NellyTheElephant · 22/02/2009 10:17

DD1 has just turned 4 and I'm expecting DC3 shortly. DD1's birth was utterly ghastly and traumatic and also dangerous for her towards the end (nearly two days in labour ending in emergency c-section). We've been talking about it a fair bit recently what with new baby going to arrive soon. DD1 is aware of how babies are usually born and I have explained to her about the fact that there were difficulties when she was born and that the doctors had to cut through my tummy to take her out (she's seen the scar). I couched it in terms of what a miracle that doctors are so clever and were able to take her out safely despite problems, and that they did the same for DD2 and will do again for DC3 so she will have to be gentle with me after DC3 born as I will be a bit fragile. She is absolutely fascinated and obsessed by all this and talks A LOT about mummy's tummy being cut open to get the baby out (yuk!) - tells anyone who wil listen!! I have explained how the doctors give you clever medicine so that the cut doesn't hurt and that when she was taken out and handed to me it was the happiest most wonderful moment of my life etc. I try to pass over the trauma of her birth and focus on the practicalities of the section itself as she is very interested in technicalities (i think most children are), so if I explain about cutting and then stitching up again (she has recently tried sewing at nursery and is very interested in the idea of me being stitched up!!!), so what I'm saying is maybe if you explain technicalities and keep emotion out of it (beyond saying how happy you were when he finally arrived safely) you might find he gets so interested in all that he doesn't worry too much about the 'sad' thing. If you find it hard to talk about maybe get your DH to discuss it with him so he doesn't pick up sad or stressed vibes?

gigglewitch · 22/02/2009 14:54

hope you managed to get a good night's sleep dragon
(and did he go to tescos in the power ranger gear ?)

PeppermintCream · 22/02/2009 15:28

hi, I don't often post. Just wanted to say you did the right thing being open with your lo. I had a difficult time with my dd, emc and then she spent 6 days in special care. I've shown her those first photos and explained to her that she is really really special to have got well and strong so quickly. I tell her about how all the doctors and nurses worked really hard to make her well and how precious it was when we could finally bring her home.
She is v matter of fact about it. I still have the odd little weep and envy when I hear about perfect births.
Keep talking xx

AitchTwoOh · 22/02/2009 15:47

for db and nickschick and the others.

Original poster

dragonbutter · 22/02/2009 16:07

thanks all,
i had a decent night sleep despite sharing my bed with a nearly 2 year old insomniac cuddlemonster and am feeling much better today.

realising that he really had moved on since his conversation yesterday, it felt a bit strange to discuss it with him today, but i felt i had to say something, for me.

i cornered him for a cuddle this morning and said 'you know you said you were sad in mummy's tummy, well i don't think you were because i used to sing to you and you used to jump about and when you were born i was so happy to meet you at last because i didn't know what you would look like.
he seems to really like hearing about him as a baby and he told me how he was getting bigger and bigger and bigger (with arms stretched out of course).

then he told me how hot it was in my tummy! ha, if only the midwife had known what he knew. y'know he does say the oddest things that make me think he actually remembers his birth.

we didn't make it to tesco so i'll be having old bread sandwiches in my lunch box tomorrow. but we did go into town to let him spend his birthday money (four months later) and he bought a scooter.

i'm overthinking all this i know. he really couldn't care less how he was born.

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 22/02/2009 16:09

ach, it sounds a wee bit like you've got some working through to do still... i hope that your conversations with him will be healing for both of you.

Original poster

dragonbutter · 22/02/2009 16:12

thanks for the squeeze aitch.

OP posts:

MollieO · 22/02/2009 16:13

I would focus on what a healthy boy he is now. My ds was born with group B strep and had everything they listed on the group B strep website. Worse time of my life as there were times when he was in SCBU I was told he was unlikely to survive. Fortunately he hasn't asked to see his baby photos as none of them are nice to look at.

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