Have I made a mistake in discussing DS1's difficult birth with him?

[dragonbutter]

He's four now and happy and healthy btw.

On his 4th birthday we got out his baby photo's and he showed lots of interest, especially in the photo's of him in an incubator, and with a venflon in his arm and an NG tube.
He was born with Group B Strep pneumonia and was lucky to make a recovery.

I told him that he wasn't well when he was born and that he had trouble breathing. He asked why and i said, because it was difficult to get him out. (he was also tangled up in umbilical cord and I needed a c-section).

He seemed interested and not upset, although it's something I find it difficult to talk about. The photos aren't your average new baby pics and he is very sweaty looking.

Anyway, it's now been about 4 months since his birthday and that discussion. Today he was talking to DH about when he was a baby. All the usual questions about how did he get out of my tummy etc and then he said, he was sad in my tummy because he couldn't get out and he didn't feel very well.

I feel sad for him thinking this and don't know what to do.

Can i salvage this?
What's the right thing to say?
I want him to believe his arrival was a great day but i know that it really wasn't.

I was told the same mollieO.
It think the preparation i made in my mind to lose him did the most damage long term.
hope you and yours are ok now.

my DS(7) often asks to see the photo's of when he was born and was really poorly! He took them in to school once for show and tell! He obviously thinks about it too and finds it slightly fascinating.

inappropriate but lol at your name, fruit.

ty aitch

you could try saying that mummy and daddy gave him lots and lots of kisses to make him all better and so did all the doctors and nurses?

DB missed you again ( just ned my sleep)
I really feel for you, I know you struggle with this and I think you do absolutely brilliantly with your boys, and I see myself in a few years time having a differently, difficult conversation.

I've never discussed Lyd's birth with you but from the other side of the fence, "Normal" births are not everything( they just give you a false sense of security), what happens after is as important, and DS1 and you have developed and bonded as you needed to in the circumstances.

I've never discussed Lydie's birth with you but When Lydie went back in (to hospital)after being home and not eating for 3 days, then down into an incubator in NITU, then a 200 mile ambulance journey to the nearest (!) surgical unit my world collapsed.

There are many feeling that I just can not go back to and the fact that it was a genetic condtion ergo OUR fault, that she was as she is. There are so many conversations I am terrified of having with her, not least the will I die?? Dh sometimes worries about what we will say but I just cannot go there yet..

I think you have handled your situation really well, and I only hope I am as brave at facing MY fears and nightmares in a couple of years time...

X doris (hope to see you soon.

My mum had a tough birth, i dont know the exact details as she just told me when i was a child that i had the cord wrapped around my neck and stopped breathing for a short time

I was strangely proud of that as a child, i thought it was amazing and special

It was only when i had a surprise homebith and my mum was making tea and chatting to the midwife i heard that i had been monitored and heartbeat dropped followed by a pretty rough forceps delivery

I had never questioned it until then and must admit it seems less 'cool' now, but the point i was trying to make was that i was told at a similar age but by the time i was at school i was fine about it so hopefully in a few months your ds will have accepted it and see it a special and unique experience of his

You're right doris. I'm lucky the problems ended there. They so very easily could have not.

I think it's normal to feel to blame when your child is very ill though whether it be genetic or in my case MY infection. It's such a painful feeling. but really nothing anybody could have predicted.

Tclanger, i didn't deliberately set out to discuss his birth with him. His nursery asked him to bring in photo's of him to make a time line for his birthday and that led to the photo album being dragged out.

Hope you're feeling a little more at ease with your chat today (you did do good!), has he brought it up anymore???

hi dragonbutter, your ds sounds very sweet and he will get over this.

You might be overanalysing this. I don't think your ds cares that his birth was sad for you. He probably does not think about it in terms of how you felt about the day he was born. He is more concerned about himself on that day. Children are rather self-absorbed.

So long as he knows that he was sad and not well but got better and now all is fine (as he does), he will be alright.

My dd had open heart surgery at 4 months' old. She saw the photos post-op, unconscious with the worst wound all down her chest, bloated and tubes sticking out all over. I told her she was born with a poorly heart and the doctors had to operate and make her better and she is fine now and we look at her scar together.

Frankly, I don't think she gave a stuff about my feelings. But loved the idea of being poorly.

i'm feeling much better, just having one of those moments yesterday. they pass.

blueshoes, i don't know why kids love the idea of being poorly. mine couldn't wait to get chicken pox.

nikckschick - we had the same experience with our DS1

we have one of those photos too

i've always been pretty honest with him about the fact that he was very ill when he was born, but haven't told him exactly how close we were to losing him

Dragonbutter - can suggest that if you still have unresolved feeling about your birth that you contact the birthtrauma association. They are really helpful and supportive.

I think what you have said to your DS is lovely and you are handling it very well :-)

Zombie Thread Reanimated!

Wow, just found this old thread I started in 2009. An example of mumsnet at it's best.

DS1 is now 9 and so healthy and strong and brilliant if not utterly exhausting with his energy.

Have still had a cry reading it though. It really has taken years to recover emotionally from his birth. I even had flashbacks last year during a gynae op.

For those in the same position, it really does get easier, believe me.

I am dreading the day we have the birth conversation with DS. We lost his twin brother at 34 weeks, had to wait overnight for a cs to give steroid injections time to work (the worst and longest night of my life), then managed to hold him for 5 mins after delivery before he was taken to Scbu where he stayed for 3 weeks before coming home.

I don't know how I'll explain what happened to his brother, and I feel awful that his birth was so sad - I felt guilty for so long every time I looked at him and felt joy and happiness because I was so devastated at the same time for his brother. DS is only 2 so we have a while before this conversation will happen, but just reading this thread has helped me begin to prepare myself for that day. I'm glad to see your DS is doing so well.

Wow ipswich, I can only imagine the mixed feelings you have on birthdays, or when people start sharing their birth stories.

I think the advice given to me on this thread is largely that it's obviously harder for us than it is for the children. They really do just take it all in their stride.

I'm pregnant again with DC3 and am aware the birth may be a trigger again.

I'm also pregnant with DC2, and with only 7 weeks til I'm due, I am dreading the birth. It is bringing back a lot of feelings, including stupid feelings of how I'll feel guilty for DS all over again if this birth goes smoothly -how ridiculous! I have his early days photos on display, complete with feeding tubes etc, as for 3 weeks they were all I had to bring home and were (still are) so important to me.

I managed to avoid the comparing birth stories at baby groups as much as humanly possible, or told just the bare minimum, and DS's birthday will always be difficult for us. We visit the crematorium early in the morning so that we can give DS the birthday he deserves afterwards, rather than having it hanging over us for the day. God, that sounds so awful. I've had a lot of counselling and I'm still working through it all myself. This is probably the most I've ever said on the subject to anyone other than the counsellor, and it is helping. I think you are right - it is hardest for us, and kids are amazing at taking everything in their stride. I could probably learn a thing or two from them.

I think that sounds very healthy, he is identifying with his birth for himself and expressing his feelings about it. Perhaps he did feel like that and on some level can remember it. He is also sympathising with you. I think you did the right thing being honest with him and letting him talk about it from his own perspective. You could focus on the strength he had and still has, about how he was such a healthy boy to have recovered so well and how you knew he would always be ok because that helps him to know his mother believed in him. You sound like a lovely mum.