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Original poster

Diplomacy tips needed please - irritating grandparent pet name

105 replies

IrritatingPetName · 13/02/2009 10:38

Resisted posting this in AIBU (deep down I probably am) but something is really bothering me and I'd appreciate some advice from all you lovely minor family dilemma experts

My MIL and FIL use a ridiculous name for 'grandad' that sets my teeth on edge. They used it for their other, now teenaged, grandchildren, it always bothered me then, but hey - none of my business, right?

However, now its being used for their new little GD, who is just getting to the talking stage, but a probably few months off and I feel I really want to nip it in the bud before we get stuck with it forever.

How, oh how, do I approach this knotty problem without causing offence, turning it into a big deal?

We don't see them that often, as they don't live close by, but we have weekly phone-calls and will soon be going away on holiday with them. I have an okay relationship with them, but not bosom buddies, so it's not something I could slip in casually.

Oh and before you ask - DH is no help on this. He agrees with me, but doesn't feel strongly about this kind of thing. Men, hey?

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Original poster
IrritatingPetName · 15/02/2009 13:06

Not the point really though is it? It happens to annoy me, a lot, and has done for over 10 years (albeit in a minor and churlish way). It has now become more relevant and necessary (for me) to deal with it one way or the other and was looking for advice.

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Original poster
IrritatingPetName · 15/02/2009 13:07

x-post, that was a reply of sorts to rantalot. Think I've got PMT also

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FairLadyRantALot · 15/02/2009 13:22

I get that...but...well...I think it's just not worth to create over...says she that can get wound up about the silliest things...

Are they british or do they have a different cultural background?
Saying that, I am german where Papa is the normal way to call your own Dad, that or Vati or Papi....so...to my ears it would not sound so irritating, I suppose...
although, I suppsoe I would, if in germany, prefer my Kids to call their grandfather Opi or Opa...which is the german pet name norm

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IrritatingPetName · 15/02/2009 13:33

Scots. In fairness, didn't realise it was potentially a common Scottish thing. I have other Scottish friends/relatives that don't have the Pappa (smurf) thing to deal with.

OP posts:
ThumbLoveWitch · 15/02/2009 13:59

you could try adding the Smurf onto it - get your DD into the Smurfs, and then when they mention "Pappa" you say, "yes, DD - just like Pappa Smurf!" see how that goes.

Of course, he might like to be compared to Papa Smurf.

The only alternative is to be religious about referring to him as grandad (or whatever your preferred moniker for him is) so that your DD gets the idea.

Dragonfly74 · 15/02/2009 19:35

My MIL insists on being called Mama and I hate it, Everytime DS said Mama as in mummy she would say "oh look he knows who I am he's saying Mama".

Whenever she comes round to visit she always say's "wheres my baby".

Maybe i'm being oversensitive but it winds me right up.

curlyredhead · 15/02/2009 19:52

It's very common esp in west of Scotland, though I can imagine it sounding a bit strange if you're not used to it.

Maveta · 15/02/2009 20:05

My mum and dad came up with all kinds of ridiculous suggestions of what to be called when I was pregnant with ds (1st grandchild). My mum always wanted to be called a nickname another small child used to call her yeeeeeears ago. Really irritated me. Dad suggested ´opa´ . I waged a steady campaign of bastardising the names they´d suggested teasing them that if they tried to get ds to call them that the version he actually came out with - in toddler speak - could be quite ridiculous. (that and some hearty singing of ´OOmpaPA oompaPA´ everytime dad suggested his name )

I eventually suggested Nana for my mum and she seemed to like it, it has stuck and she loves it. Dad went for Grandad in the end and is now Dada which is very sweet. And not an issue for us re. being like ´dad´ as ds calls dh ´Papa´.

toddlerama · 15/02/2009 20:14

Dragonfly - I have the same MIL issues. Does my nut. I AM MAMA!!!! Also SiL's have no kids and call my DD's 'their girls'. Don't know why it bothers me (grabby hog that I am) but it does, and there is NOTHING I can do without causing unnecessary grief. Can't help feeling like they can see my teeth grinding and saying it more too, when there's no way they are, they're really nice! I don't know why I am so sensitive and unreasonable on this point. "Ownership" of kids is obviously an issue...
Don't want to out myself as a nutter, so I will never bring it up with them!
I think if you really hate it, taking the p*ss is probably the way to go. Papa Smurf is a good one. The Papanator. Anything to make it sound naff.

My parents are Nana and Grandad.

braid · 15/02/2009 20:44

My neice and nephew call my Dad this. The reasoning was because they have two Grandads and they wanted to distinguish between them. I told my Dad my children were going to call him Grandad, and where there was confusion with my FIL they could just use first names too. I think he was OK about it. Don't like Papa either. It does however confuse the children when they are all together.

rumdoodle · 15/02/2009 22:10

My father decided he wanted to be Papi which is apparently French (he is from the East End of London) rather than Grandad or whatever came out. I find it really contrived but DS uses it quite happily.
DS has begun to refer to my in-laws as Grandpa and Grandpas Granny (to distinguish her from my Mum) She hates it as it makes her sound about 150 but as DS came up with it she's stuck. Causes much amusement to the rest of us.

Also in the extended family we have Granny Guiness, Granny Chocolate Cake and Granny Tennis.

JamInMyWellies · 15/02/2009 22:24

Pappa is fine. My niece and nephew call my dad fat pa but I am telling my DS's he is pops.

Slambang · 15/02/2009 22:39

Cannot fathom why you think you need to 'deal with it'.

What you call your dc was your choice whether they liked the name you chose or not, but what your PILs call themselves is their choice.

In fact I think you are being a tad insensitive and possibly hurtful to your FIL by insisting on calling him grandpa if he wants to be known by the name traditionally used in his family.

How very peculiar.

FairLadyRantALot · 15/02/2009 22:44

Maveta...are you german ? Just that Opa would be completely normal there...

Coldtits · 15/02/2009 22:49

It's the name he has chosen to be known by, you can't change someone's name for them because you don't like it!

CeceliaAhern · 15/02/2009 23:14

I agree with Coldtits. I also don't think you can confuse your little one by changing his name now.
And I had 2 papas,one of whom is still referred to as papa (or paps on occasion) and I am 37!!!! My dad is papa to my dcs. Ithink it depends very much on where you're from- I am in Scotland, as you may guess.

Nighbynight · 15/02/2009 23:45

Opa is just german for grandpa

dizzydixies · 15/02/2009 23:51

are they scottish per chance? its what I called one of my grandads and its what my kids call my dad

AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump · 16/02/2009 03:41

Nothing to do with you I'm afraid. ?It would be wrong of you to force your preferences. Do your PILs get a say in whether your child calls you Mum or Mummy or Mama or Ma?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/02/2009 04:17

Loving this thread Woo woo!

I went through a phase when I was about 2 yrs old of calling all my grandparents by their first names, and then I decided to call my Grandad 'Graggins' for a while which he hated.
My Dad's Mum had a vanity problem, and decided she wanted to be called Margee - what a nightmare that always was at school trying to explain who she was to friends who just had grandma, nan etc. It stuck though, and for years decades everyone in her road has called her Margee as well because of hearing us use it when we were small

For some reason I feel obliged to point out that my brothers and I call my Mum 'kleine Mutti', from learning german at school.

Can't see anything wrong with Pappa, but then as you see we have a tradition of 'non-normal' names in my family

LilRedWG · 16/02/2009 04:30

None of your business. Do your IL's decided what you get called?

GoodGrrrl · 16/02/2009 07:32

i can sympathise- my step MIL suddenly started putting a weird pet name on cards etc, with no explanation. It wasn't a common one, and actually so absurd that DH and i couldn't say it without laughing, so we didn't. We always referred to her by her first name, as we always had. If the kids still pick on the daft name and want to use it, we won't stop them, but i honestly can't use it without laughing, so i think it was kinder on my part to use her real name. Plus, i found afterwards that it was what her own kids called her when they were very small, so i found it all a bit 'empty nest' in a way.

She hasn't use it in a while, so perhaps she's realised it was a bit silly.

Let them call them themselves what they want, YOU don't have to refer to them as that.

GoodGrrrl · 16/02/2009 07:33

and Papa isn't weird at all- quite common. My Scottish grandfather was known as this.

Maveta · 16/02/2009 08:28

lol - but the was because I am not german, nor is my dad. Nor do we have any german heritage. He was just being a ponce.

twentypence · 16/02/2009 08:44

We let both set of grandparent choose what they wanted to be called.

FIL seemed to sleep through us telling him that and ended up just being Grandad.

My mum and dad choose hilarious names, but now me and my brother (who has no children) find ourselves calling them by those names too.

You get to choose mum or mummy - let them be who they want to be.