Are you the kind of parent you wanted to be?

[stickybeaker]

I certainly am not. DD is one and every day I think I'm not cut out for it. She drives me insane and I'm really noticing that I'm not really enjoying her. She just seems to be a real 'madam' and spends alot of time whinging.

I'm so fed up. I have actually left the room today whilst she was screaming about nothing as I'm worried I'm going to hurt her. Oh and I have been screaming into pillows. I have been at home with her all week but normally work 3 days, and we have been stuck in becuase of the snow but I am just so p*ssed off.

Everything from nappy changes to getting in the pushchair seems to be accompanied by tears (hers not mine...yet).

I seem to always be thinking 'when she's doing x it'll get easier'... like crawling/walking etc and it just seems to get harder and harder.

I had been on antidepressants after breaking my finger punching the floor in frustration last year but they finished and I didn't bother going back for more. I don't really want to be on medication, I want to be able to cope.

Not sure if there's an answer but if anyone has some techniques for dealing with either stroppy toddler or my insanity I'd be glad to hear about it!

Nope. But I don't have the children I expected either, so I've had to find a different way to parent. ah well, such is life.

Yes and no- I thought I'd be at home and I am but I'm horrified how boring I find it and I find myself wandering off to facebook mumsnet do something intellectual. I love my kids to bits but struggle not to get angry with them (didn't think my DH would have quite as little to do with them as he does right enough). I am a miserable, grumpy and shouty mummy more than I should be and mostly because I'm bored and sick of doing it all by myself!

oh and I have plenty of techniques, but they all seem to border on child cruelty for some reason

no

Thank-you. I hate that boiling rage that I feel bubbling up inside me. Nothing else in life makes me feel like this.

NAB - why not?, please share!

I wonder how far it might be anxiety at the root of this - I know that anxiety makes me jumpy and far less tolerant of noise and minor misdemeanours. The 1/2 age group can be extremely challenging to say the least........

So - do you get time to yourself at all? go out in the evening?

I do try and make time for myself. I'm home alone 4/7 evenings each week as DH works. I have to say that for all her other crimes, DD is actually pretty good in that she goes to bed at 6 and stays there for about 12 hours. So it's not too stressful once she's in bed, and during the day I make an effort to see friends and even have coffee by myself.

Nah. Who is?

I know I wasn't during the whingey stage, but I'm getting better. Or they're getting better. Or I've stopped caring. Or whatever. I just find older children are so much easier. So hang on in there- better times will come.

Nope. DS is off ill at the mo and threfore scratchy and whingy as hell. Wish I could be the mum I wanted to be, but it ust doesn't work out like that every day. Still, makes me cut my mum a bit more slack, she really was very shouty indeed...

I always feel deadful after the situation though, which is the only thing that stops me from physically lashing out. I cringe when I think of a child being hurt but my god I'm close sometimes.

no. i think i'm rubbish at it and constantly worry about the effect I am having on dd because of poor parenting. it does get easier as they get older but the worrying about it doesn't. that stays just the same.

I did just the same as you re thinking 'when she's x age, it will be easier'....i remember wandering around a clothes store looking at school uniform when dd was still in a pushchair and saying to my mother that I couldn't wait until she was that old.

my techniques for dealing with involved going back to work and having a top childminder. i feel very sad that i never enjoyed the early years, and still don't enjoy it now that much(dd is 6). But I guess that I've got my head around it and have regrettably accepted that i just wasn't/am not cut out to enjoy parenting. and people do constantly point out that dd is much more challenging than other children so it's bound to be harder than having a more compliant child. She's an interesting individual but caring for her is just bloody hard work.

Yes and no,
I thought I'd spend a lot more time doing crafty type things with my kids (I also thought I would enjoy doing these things and not have to force myself to )

I also thought that I'd always have time for them, and to an extent I do, but I also find myself thinking "Just be quiet and leave me alone for 5 minutes" sometimes, or getting frustrated because dd isn't eating her breakfast as quickly as I want her to, or because ds fights me when I try to change his nappy.

I completely underestimated how knackering and relentless it can be, especially when you haven't had a full nights sleep for ages or your child cries continually!

I don't really have any tips but ds was a real screamer (still is to an extent)and I have often felt myself getting wound up. I bought some Kalms tablets that I take when I feel myself getting like that. Not sure if they actually do anything but the act of going to the kitchen and getting them out at least gives me time to calm down slightly...

Oh Lalaa that's a very honest of you. I appreciate that. I am in awe of people that do stay home 24/7 with their children and do wholesome activities. I know people whose children are the same age as mine who haven't left them overnight(or more than a few hours during the day) and I'm so jealous I feel like crying. I mean that they don't want to leave them, not becuase there's no-one to have them.

I took DD to nursery 2 days a week from 4 months old and never had any pain about leaving her. I do worry about that lack of attachment I feel.

Clairey I did try Kalms last year together with antidepressants. Might get some more.

I kind of was till I got pregnant again. Now I'm tired, boring, lazy, unengaged and cross/shouty/vile all the time. It is crap.

FWIW I think your DD's age is the absolute worst - they have no attention span whatsoever, are unreliable on their feet and utterly unreasonable.

I know it sounds a bit kooky, but sometimes it can help to re-frame your thoughts about things (I used to do this when DS was that age) - try to make PC statements out of your feelings, or turn them into a harmless description. Instead of "DD is being a madam" for example, say to yourself something naffola like "DD is learning how to be an independent person." "DD is under the bloody table again" = "DD is learning about the dimensions of the table." It can kind of take the heat out of the situation. Sometimes. For about five minutes.

Oh and don't forget to give yourself credit too - "I was so tired I let DD empty the kitchen cupboards while I stood at the kitchen counter eating biscuits" becomes "I supervised DD in a hands off manner while she engaged in a discovery learning exercise with a variety of foodstuffs and household objects."

I hope this doesn't sound too pollyanna or mad - sometimes it gave me a bit of a psychological boost and got me over a grotty bit of the day.

mrsgboring, that's so funny....your turning around a situation to make it more positive. Sounds like dd's first school report!

Nope, I wanted to be "The Waltons" or "The Vonn Trapps". WTF did I get, the "ADAMS FAMILY!!"

Excellent posts - well done ladies.

Funnily enough I do try and think 'well at least she's fit and strong' when she's twisting herslef inside out whilst I'm changing her nappy. I actually do praise her out loud when she's doing something I consider to be desirable - more so I can hear it out loud, and acknowledge it.

I also try and tell myself that parents of sick/ disabled children would probably love to have their kids doing the 'mischievious' things she does.

Maybe just trying to take it one day at a time is the key?

I know exactly how you feel and i sympathise. i couldn't wait to go back to work and tbh i really don't see a time when i would be prepared to go through that 1st year with another baby. dh wants another one but i don't, usually the other way round isn't it!

it's getting slightly better but there were times in that 1st year when i thought i would go mad. i cried a lot. like another poster said, i just want 5 minutes to myself!

see, now i've posted that i feel really guilty. you can't win can you!

I am better now - getting into communication and crafts; 2 is a lovely age I think. The first year I was a mess - i SO wanted to be the earth mother type, natural nappies, cooking everything from scratch, out in a sling doing my thing. Er I had the baby from hell that didn't settle or sleep for 10m and did everything ridiculously early, so aware and unhappy to be a baby she was! Didn't expect that and just had to chill out and calm down which wasn't in my repatoire...

Oh and it didn't help that I was surrounded by women with these perfect sleepy passive babies lol I was the one at the NCT group that didn't sit down

No, not AT ALL. I aspire to be like a Japanese mother I know. She exudes calm, and I can never ever imagine her shouting or making hyperbolic threats or getting hissy. I also don't play enough with my DCs, as I find it nauseatingly boring.

I am not as good as I want to be but I am better than I thought I would be. I don't really take responsibility for that though. My dc are just so amazing it makes me want to be the parent they deserve. It is hard work though.

I think you need to take time out from it without feeling guilty whether that be mumsnetting, gyming, work whatever. I spend hours on the pc sometimes but when I get up and go and find my dc I am not stressed, we are happy and I am so much more patient for having had the break.